The Racing Mind

 

THE RACING MIND

 

Of the many consequences of becoming entangled with our kind, there is one which is always present. This is the racing mind. The racing mind begins in the hinterland between the seduction and the devaluation as we start to create doubt in your mind, create ambiguity and generate concern on your part. There are hundreds of ways of creating this uncertainty and it only increases when the devaluation proper begins. Our various manipulations are designed to not only draw fuel from you but also to create this pervasive sensation of doubt. You find that you are always asking yourself questions.

“Why did he say that?”

“What did that mean?”

“Why has he done that?”

“What did he do that for?”

“Why is he being like this?”

“Has he really said that about me to somebody else?”

“Would he see somebody else?”

Your day is made up of a succession of attempts to understand why we are saying and doing certain things. Everything becomes analysed as you desperately look for evidence to explain away the thing that you fear most; the loss of the golden period. The impact of our seduction is massive. Owing to our mirroring of you, we are your other half, the you that you have always wanted in your relationship. A perfect love. As a consequence, you do not want to lose us and anything which hints at that happening causes you considerable concern.

As with much of what we do, we apply stealth tactics. We adopt an insidious approach which utilises the typical salami-slicing methodology so that we steadily encroach into your well-being but we do so with such subtlety you fail to notice it. At first you will wonder why we arrived back an hour later than we said we would, but you rationalise it away as we mutter something about traffic. Once we would come and see you and arrive early at the weekend. Now we do not turn up until mid-afternoon. What have we been doing in that time? Why do we no longer want to spend the whole day with you? Is there somebody else? You hope that there is nothing to be concerned about but you cannot help but be concerned as you scrutinise everything that we say and do. After a while you are keeping a tally of how many “xs” we place after our text messages. We usually put three but it has gone down to two. What is the reason for that? Did we simply forget? Did we jab the “x” button but the third one did not appear? Does it mean something? You watch us carefully when we speak to you. Do we seem less happy now? Are we laughing less at that daft but endearing nickname that you labelled us with? Perhaps that is just because we have become used to it but what if it is not and it is down to something else? We made frequent mention of getting married but that has not been mentioned now for, ooh, 17 days, not that you are keeping an exact record of this type of thing are you?

We know that this repeated and frequent questioning has you unable to focus on anything other than you and I. You struggle to concentrate at work because you are ruminating over the ambiguous comment that we made as we left that morning. It saddens you and the nervous sensation in your stomach makes you feel sick. You try to tell yourself that it is nothing and you are over-thinking matters but you definitely heard us say that we needed more space. Were we talking about a larger house, a bigger office or was it a reference to drawing back the relationship with you? You want to ring us up but you do not want to seem silly or anxious and therefore you do nothing. On the few occasions where you pluck up some courage to ask about the latest ambiguity you are patronised, laughed at or receive an irritated glare for having troubled us with such nonsense. We will bat away your concerns only to reinstate that two hours later with some other act or comment.

You are left on edge. You talk to friends and family about it but you can see that they are becoming bored with these repeated scrutiny sessions. Your mother smiles and tells you that you are reading too much into it and it is just the relationship settling down. Your best friend will sit and listen, allowing you to espouse your various theories as you select the evidence from the weekend which in your mind suggests that we are no longer interested in you. She does her best to explain to the contrary but you can see she has become fed-up with such conversations as you pick through what she considers to be minutiae. Your repeated discussions never find any resolution. You feel a moment of calm and then the doubts return. There is nothing concrete to point to. We have not shouted at you and called you names, that is to come, we have not told you that we do not want to be with you anymore, there is nothing so obvious and direct. No, instead it is a litany of inferences, suggestions, nuances and subtleties which when viewed in isolation are meaningless but when you string them together, well, the collective effect leaves you fearing the worst.

We purposefully engender such a state of affairs. Placing you on tenterhooks causes you to provide us with fuel. Making you uncertain has you working harder to remain with us. Creating doubt prevents you from moving forward. By causing you to obsess on the details you miss the bigger picture caused by this racing mind. You fail to notice that it is deliberate. You fail to notice that it is signalling the devaluation proper. You fail to recognise that this the preparatory work for creating a state of uncertainty on which we will base an array of further manipulations. This starts to drain your energy, wear you down, prevent you from doing other things as you relentlessly focus on us and the relationship that you have with us. Everything else becomes background noise as your default setting becomes one by which you must check that everything is alright between us from the moment you wake and if you perceive that it is not, you spend the day with your mind whirling as you catastrophise and worry which only goes on to make it worse.

We bring this to bear in order to control you. We cause this to happen because we can see your worry, sense your concern and gauge your nervousness which provides us with fuel and signifies that this campaign of created uncertainty is working. There is however one particular element which drives the racing mind more than anything. Whilst we behave like this on purpose for the reasons outlined, the creation of the racing mind relies on a particular characteristic that comes from you so that it is particularly effective. It is this attribute, this state of mind, this belief which is central to the racing mind. The occurrence of the racing mind and the sensations of dread, anxiety, nervousness, bewilderment and fear that always accompany it are driven by one core belief of yours.

You believe that your reaction shows just how much you love and adore us.

The existence of worry and repeated analysis convinces you that this is because the love that we have is ultra-special and thus you must fight to retain it.

This notion, understandable as it is, is a fallacy.

You feel like this because you have been manipulated.

29 thoughts on “The Racing Mind

  1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    xx
    Luv Bubbles x 😘

  2. DEMBunny says:

    HG the last bit is cut short on your YouTube recording.
    The last sentence here is so important

  3. Amanda Snapchat 5 says:

    wonderful writing. I love coming back to your blog and reminding myself how it is. It all becomes less surprising and it’s just “yeaaah…this guy is a text-book narc…”
    I think it helps a lot to think that the time u invest in trying to understand, fix the situation with the narc is time that is wasted. It is time u could have used to advance your goals. Fuck the narc and advance on your empire. Build your empire. your legacy.

  4. Christopher Jackson says:

    Man really explains how I have felt for years your mind is racing so bad you cant even go to sleep…its really a tough thing to deal with…just glad to know it wasnt me.

  5. kel says:

    It seems like narcissist’s project their drive onto us by criticizing us, and it makes us work out to get into shape, work harder to be more successful, work to make ourselves look better, but no matter how hard we try, it’s never good enough. It’s like it’s the same as the beast inside of them, criticizing them, driving them to succeed, but no matter what they achieve, it’s never enough. Their drive just keeps them busy so they don’t have to feel their pain. The evil they inflict on us just keeps the pain off of them. If a narcissist can’t feel love, how can he feel God? You can tell a tree by the fruit it bears. They can’t accept their traits as a disorder, but they can feel the delight in the evil they project.

  6. shesaw says:

    I remember asking Nex why he was acting so ambiguously.
    Him : “I have to keep you busy with me, you know”
    Me : “I am busy with you without that, trust me”
    Him : *smiles charmingly* “I want you to be ALWAYS busy with me…”

    So honest.

  7. Kate W says:

    This is a great one HG! Hadn’t seen this one before. It’s simple and straightforward. And even after our entanglement many of us still have to battle the racing thoughts and ruminations. Things you wish you’d asked but you realize you didn’t ask then because you were trying to just keep the peace that evening or whenever- then it gets overlooked and the next instance happens. It just goes on and on.
    Kinda like Trump world- Every day something crazier happens and you just can’t even get back to the crazy thing that happened six months ago and your head wants to explode.

  8. flutterbymorpho says:

    Would these tactics work on someone that isnt an empath? Are empaths considered disordered by those who are not empaths?

  9. TY says:

    Excellent article. So very illuminating. Never again! Thank you.

  10. flutterbymorpho says:

    And all of this done instinctively is so hard to grasp! It would actually be easier to deal with if everything was done on and with a purpose. It makes dealing with emotional thinking harder, because ‘they’ can’t help it (lessers and mid range). It puts me in a position of sorts.. not to excuse the behaviour or to want to put up with it, but I feel it’s a tragic thing for them to be so misunderstood in the world. My hatred is softening because they do not know what they are doing.. though it seems like they are. I start to feel sorry for them then. What a bewildering thing it is!

    1. Joanne says:

      Flutter
      Yes, I agree. If it all was intentional, it would be easier to let go. But it feels less personal to believe it’s instinctual. And at times, I find myself feeling pity for him (it passes quickly) but it still makes it hard to hate him. So very confusing.

  11. Tex says:

    Yes, he played me like that. Like a child. And yes, I believed I have to show him that I am worried to make him feel loved. Oh I was so stupid. And then the discard, just like that “you have issues, you are a sociopath probably, I don’t see any future with you”. And I believed that too! ha ha

  12. Joanne says:

    Every single word of this. My god, some of the worst feelings and days of my life. It’s beyond me, looking back, how I was able to function on a daily basis while this was happening. I could barely do my job, could barely function as a mother. Shamefully, I am shocked that my husband and kids did not catch on. Between my weight loss, insomnia, disconnection and overall looking like I’d been hit by a bus. Thank God they did not, and thank God also that I managed to find you in time.

    It amazes me that you are able to define and describe our feelings in such detail. You hit on everything, down to the number of x’s/kisses in a text. A huge one for me which was dismissed as being ridiculous by my friend.

    I really hope HG that someday your name is credited in bylines of articles and psychology papers related to NPD. I have done so much research and reading about this over the past few months and no one maps it all out better than you. Imagine you had a recurring segment in a women’s magazine or something. Imagine how many could be spared the horror of such an entanglement if your messages were spread to the masses.

    1. lisk says:

      Great idea, Joanne, about the women’s magazines!

      The “Femail” section of The Daily Mail might not be in the highest echelon of literature, but HG could make a pretty penny if he were published there.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You know what to do!

  13. foolme1time says:

    WiserNow Everything you have written is the absolute truth! What a wonderful comment. Thank you.

  14. Veronique Jones says:

    HG if we figure it out and reject before the Golden period is over and get out after the malignant hoovering stops and things calm down do your kind try again

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is always a risk of a hoover in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        Thanks unfortunately I fall into most of the criteria for a Hoover I am hoping he just leaves me alone He took me into the darkest place I’ve ever been before and brought the worst out in me

  15. Blondie says:

    Oh yes this was a huge factor..so its about gauging control ahh i see he used to get asked over for dinner and Id get a ready made meal !! Befor I would get the works., if I asked I would be told it wasbecause he was to busy to cook.other favorite was if I dressed upreally nice and I knew I looked great he wold look me up and down and say nothing…god the tactis !!

  16. DEMBunny says:

    Ah! Yes. I’ve now come to recognize when and with whomever I feel the turmoil inside- as being indicative of manipulation although I hadn’t labelled it as such. Thank you for the clarification.

    Fantastic. Very clearly presented.

    Q: How much do the lesser and midranger intend to keep us this way and for the purposes mentioned? I’d come to understand it was largely instinctive.
    Thx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is entirely instinctive.

  17. WiserNow says:

    This is SO spot on! The manipulations cause this to happen and the result is that you are constantly and obsessively, overthinking, worrying and analysing. I think my mind was constantly racing with these analytical and self-blaming thoughts for years on end. Sometimes it still is, but I have more cognition about why now and I strive to control my thoughts and think logically.

    I think this article is the essence of everything. It captures the way the manipulations work to ensnare and trap the victim. A sensitive or empathic person is prone to question and analyse every nuance or detail about what is said or what is happening, as if their life depends on it. Add that to being in a state of isolation or in an insecure or obliged situation (i.e nowhere else to go, financially dependent, responsible for children, no other supportive relationships, etc) and you have the making of a controlled person.

    If there is a core wound from childhood, it’s all based on previously ingrained, subconscious patterns of thinking. If the victim is naturally honest, peaceful, conscientious and loving, they don’t suspect that anyone would do this with deliberately harmful intentions.

    It’s a frightening state to be in. The victim literally eats him or herself up from the inside out, conveniently making the narcissist look innocent and blameless to those who aren’t aware. I am so grateful to be aware now. I literally thank the Universe that I can see things more clearly.

    Thank you HG, for describing this situation so clearly. Thank you for the logical and impartial way you don’t take sides or bring judgement into your articles. For those of us whose minds tend to race naturally, the matter-of-fact way you present this knowledge has a way of stilling our minds with stark clarity.

  18. Sarah says:

    Oh yes! Overthinking, second guessing, self doubt are all consuming every waking moment after the Golden Period subsides. I had never before experienced anxiety or a pull to make a decision out of fear, prior to a formal relationship with the N.

    I remember that mental nagging and need to overanalyse those comments that just didn’t make sense. A slight provocation with a dollop of cream and a slice of malice. The questions that would occupy my mind during a quiet period at my desk or in the shower. So many psychological uncertainties that had a deep impact even though I knew nothing of what was really going on and the fascade was maintained.

    When the relationship was over, I very quickly found my peace again. As it turned out, it never left, it was just shaken and stirred for a while. When I met my husband, I had no issues with trust and he never gave me a reason to fear. Healthy relationships bring certainty, not chaos – that I know for sure.

    Relationships with Ns seem like hard work, because they are. Real relationships may not have the bright lights and the big brass band in the very beginning, but they are built on a very different foundation. Genuine love is founded on a solid intention and commitment to treat another person in accordance with strong values like unity, integrity and humanity. This is a foreign currency to an N.

  19. lisk says:

    My God, this is accurate. Chillingly so.

    The salami slices—as well as the nervo-nauseated feeling—all come back to me as I read these paragraphs.

    I’m glad to know what/why they were about . I’m sorry I doubted myself when I knew something was up but just couldn’t put my finger on it.

  20. mollyb5 says:

    HG …Didyour mom think you were special …did she say this to you many times . Then she would eventually slap you and confuse you about her love ? Is this also what happens to narcs. Is there two different forms of so called “love” acted out on the narc by a person in control over you at a young age. ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.
      2. Infrequently, but it was part of a back-handed compliment – e.g. “You are special HG, but do not lose sight of the fact that is only because I allow you to be special.”

      3. Yes and more besides, albeit she of course did not and does not love me.

      4. Narcissists do not love.

  21. ava101 says:

    And the narc is like, simply forgetting that there has been anything between us? If something is not working for him (appliance not showing up, whatever), he just focusses on something / someone else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissism will do whatever is necessary to ensure the needs of the narcissist are met. If this means forgetting there has been anything between you and the narcissist – then this is what happens. If later it means remembering everything you and the narcissist did together, then this is what will be done.

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