The Dirty Empath – Infidelity


The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.

There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).

Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behave in a way which is empathic with other people.

There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the class of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them.

This class of Dirty Empath has various streaks which appertain to the relevant narcissistic trait which prevails and this includes the streak of infidelity.

Thus where the empath is already in a romantic relationship, whether living together,boyfriend and girlfriend or married and they embark on a romantic, sexual relationship outside of that relationship, their narcissistic trait of infidelity has risen to the surface and remained there. What has caused that to happen? As ever, it is a symbiotic equation.

From the empath’s side there is something not right within their existing relationship which means that the narcissistic trait comes to the fore.

For instance, let us take the example whereby the spouse of the empath is either an empath or a normal and has become impotent and/or has no interest in sex any more. All else is well within the relationship – they care for the empath, they pull their weight around the home, they are a good parent, they have a decent job and so on. All is largely well, save for the issue of sexual relations. In such a situation, the empathic spouse has the following choices:-

  1. Recognise that all else is well within the relationship, that sex is but one facet (albeit an important one) and accept that it is better to have all of the other good elements of the relationship and therefore not seek to damage the relationship or hurt their spouse by seeking sexual interaction outside of the marriage. This is the response of an empath who has no dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity;
  2. As above save that the empath regards sex as so significant that they need it yet they do not want to hurt their spouse. Accordingly, they seek their spouse’s blessing to seek sex outside of the marriage but otherwise want nothing more external to the relationship. This is the response of an empath who has the narcissistic trait of infidelity but it is not so strong as to amount to a dirty streak;
  3. As per point one, save that the empath craves sexual interaction and knows it can only be achieved outside of the relationship. They therefore seek out sexual encounters with other people but have no desire to leave the existing relationship. This individual’s narcissistic dirty streak has risen to the fore and governed the behaviour of this particular empath.

With regard to this third element it remains relatively rare that the empath will do this unilaterally because their traits of guilt, honesty, decency and compassion will fight against the desire to accommodate the narcissistic desire of infidelity. If the narcissistic trait is very strong, the empath may still seek out these encounters and have them with normal people, an empath in a similar position to their own or find a narcissist.

What happens more often than not in this third situation is that the empath spouse has been targeted by our kind.

An empath with no narcissistic streak of infidelity (or a very low one) will resist the sexual overtures of the narcissist. They may remain as a Non Intimate Secondary Source to the narcissist. It is highly unlikely they would be targeted to begin with in any event by the narcissist.

An empath with a narcissistic streak of infidelity, which is greater than very low, will succumb to the overtures of the narcissist and find themselves engaged in an affair, breaking their wedding vows, breaching the trust of their partner and becoming sucked in to the world of the narcissist. If the narcissistic streak of infidelity is very strong, the empath may even have sought out (unconsciously) the narcissist.

Combine the narcissistic streak of infidelity in the Dirty Empath and a narcissist and infidelity is a given. How this pans out very much depends on the desires and wants of the narcissist. Please see the latter part of The Married Target as to how we are drawn to those who are married and are thus susceptible to our overtures. We may want the empath to become our IPPS and thus they are designated the role of Candidate IPSS as we love bomb them and lure them away from their spouse using our range of manipulations in the way that is described in ‘The Married Target’. It may be the case that both Dirty Empath and narcissist are content with an arrangement whereby the Dirty Empath is a Shelf IPSS and sees the narcissist intermittently and is treated as a friend with benefits, side person or mistress. Both parties are content with this. The narcissist gains in accordance with The Prime Aims and the Dirty Empath scratches that itch for sex outside of the marriage (coupled with the excitement that accords with it) but keeps their own relationship intact.

Sometimes the Dirty Empath becomes the Dirty Little Secret and is content with that arrangement also.

Note however that whether the Dirty Empath is a Candidate IPSS, Shelf IPSS or Dirty Little Secret, this is always at the behest and control of the narcissist. The Dirty Empath may willingly embrace the dynamic (unaware of course that they are with a narcissist and what their role is) as it fulfils the desires of the narcissistic trait of infidelity.

The issue arises however when the Dirty Empath wants to remain in the role of Shelf IPSS or DLS but the narcissist wants the empath to become the IPPS. Battle is joined to pull the Dirty Empath in the direction the narcissist requires with all of the drama, triangulation and heartache that follows. The problem for the Dirty Empath is that having allowed themselves to be governed by the narcissistic streak of infidelity they have already trampled over their partner and the narcissist knows this. In the same way you cannot get a little bit pregnant, you cannot be a little bit unfaithful, you either are not or you are.

Where the Dirty Empath has hitherto enjoyed being the Shelf IPSS or DLS, keeping this activity secret from their partner and enjoying all the other benefits of the best of both worlds, it is the narcissist who ultimately calls the tune and if he or she wants that Dirty Empath in a different role, the narcissist will strive to make it happen. If the Dirty Empath will not accord with the change of allocated role then he or she can expect their partner to be told of their infidelity and invariably the narcissist will have evidence (photos, film, documentary evidence of hotel trysts, oral testimony from Lieutenants) to use against the Dirty Empath. If the threat of release of this material does not persuade the Dirty Empath to submit to the whim of the narcissist, then it will be released. The hitherto painted white Dirty Empath will be painted black, they will be devalued prior to dis-engagement and their own existing relationship with spouse or partner will be the prime target of the narcissist for the purposes of causing its destruction and spreading misery. The need to punish the disobedient Dirty Empath and the significant fuel available (negative fuel from IPSS, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary cuckolded spouse, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary sources allied with said spouse and/or Dirty Empath, positive fuel from loyal secondary/tertiary sources to the narcissist) means that the chances of the Dirty Empath being ‘let off’ are virtually nil.

The Dirty Empath may find they can keep their own infidelity quiet for some time, remain as a DLS or Shelf IPSS and enjoy an elongated golden period with the narcissist, but they have no control over that. If it continues that way, this is purely down to the approach of the narcissist. There remains a risk that the narcissist will wish to change the dynamic and with that comes significant consequences for the playing away Dirty Empath, his or her spouse, partner and family.

Those who “give in” to their narcissistic trait (and this is usually because a narcissist has ‘sniffed out’ this Dirty Empath will eventually end up suffering.

This happens in the following circumstances :-

  1. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist wants to promote them to Candidate IPSS and then IPPS, but the DE does not want this as this will blow open their infidelity;
  2. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist decides to dis-engage against the will of the DE;
  3. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, but the narcissist does not want this to happen;
  4. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, achieves this, leaves their former spouse with all of the attendant heartache that causes and then enjoys a golden period with their newly acquired (but unrecognised) narcissist. Of course you know what is coming next don’t you? Yes, the DE IPPS is then devalued and dis-engaged from. Their narcissistic streak of infidelity has seen them lured from an otherwise satisfying relationship, drawn by the golden allure of the unrecognised narcissist only for that to collapse and now they find themselves alone, rejected and often hated by narcissist and the cuckolded spouse they once had.

The Dirty Empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity who becomes ensnared by our kind is only heading for misery. They do not have the lack of remorse, lack of conscience or lack of guilt that allows us to drive ever forward. Instead they are left to rue the consequences of this narcissistic trait being intensified and exploited by our kind.

Further articles will follow concerning the various streaks of the Dirty Empath.

15 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath – Infidelity

  1. TP says:

    I ran into this myself because my relationship with my bf wasn’t doing well so I figured I was going to just move on. It was odd though; he kept doing the push pull dance and triangulating me with his wife and then told my bf about the infidelity behind my back which I think was an attempt to isolate me. The devaluation & discard came after I refused to leave my bf and he stayed, wanting to work it out.

    Was the narc looking to keep me on the side or to replace his wife? I feel he won’t hoover again now.

  2. Joanne says:

    One of my favorites, of course. However, in the scenario described, one can sympathize with the empath whose spouse has lost interest or is unable to have sex. In my case, I have no justification. There is nothing lacking. But he dangled the bait and dangled and dangled and it was just too delicious not to bite 🙁

    1. nunya biz says:

      I have a particular attraction to somatic traits.

      1. nunya biz says:

        Well, in men anyway. Not women, somatic women usually get on my nerves. I think I can’t understand why they aren’t nicer.

      2. Joanne says:

        nunya biz
        I think we’ve all got our soft spots. Mine is not full on somatic really, his delicious bait that I referenced was more along the lines of his charm. “Regular good guy” wrapped in this beautiful package… *eyeroll to infinity*

        1. nunya biz says:

          Yikes! I am also a huge sucker for humility : )

          1. Joanne says:

            nunya biz
            Unfortunately, I am too 😓

        2. mommypino says:

          Joanne, that sounds like the Somatic handyman who tried to ensnare me. So handsome and so humble but at the same time so confident and sure of himself. Until I wasn’t giving in to his advances then his frustrations with me caused his unmasking a few times which got me wondering what in the world is up with that angelic-looking handyman? Also out of all of the handymen who worked for us, he’s the only one who always looked so clean and fresh and didn’t wear old shirts and jeans. He was so perfect on the outside. But he’s purely Somatic. I would probably have gotten bored with him if I had gotten to know him. I had the 101 Dalmatians movie with Glen Close on (I always turned on children’s movies to kill the sex vibe he was emitting) and he said to me that Cruella de Vil’s mansion is so beautiful and big and I told him that I think it’s hideous and it made him quiet like totally reminded me of my MRE sister, it looked like I offended him because I disagreed. And then he said, “yes it is” but it felt forced. I don’t think that he would have been able to handle me being opinionated.

          1. Joanne says:

            I got a laugh out of the 101 Dalmatians to kill the sex vibe! That’ll do it 😂 interesting how we can pick up on these things; his discomfort when you disagreed with him, also his level of intelligence (by way of commenting on the make believe mansion). I’m sure you would’ve gotten bored and then what? You’d most likely be in a really sticky situation and trying to cut loose.

            I do admire a person who’s attractive and has great qualities and is humble, almost unaware of how amazing they are. My narc isn’t “humble” per se. He was more self-deprecating, but I believe that is actually a tactic he employs as a means to fish for compliments and reassurance. For a short time, I kind of confused it with humility 😒

          2. mommypino says:

            Joanne, he should be thankful that i didn’t put Coneheads on. I thought about it but remembered that I myself couldn’t finish the movie.

            I did notice that about his intelligence too. But at that time it was like I was under a spell that I notice these things but they didn’t translate in my mind as a criticism of him but just mere parts of him that I totally accept. ET is so powerful.

            You’re right about the self deprecation being used to fish for compliments. I noticed that about my MRE sister when she complained that she is aging and looking bad then I always went to the rescue and told her that she is crazy because she’s beautiful. With us empaths, we self deprecate because sometimes being in the spotlight for something good about us makes us feel uncomfortable. So I usually self deprecate after somebody already complimented me although that usually happens too when I’m not well balanced like something bad is going on in the background. I also self deprecate to be humorous but I’m only able to do it when my confidence level is high, otherwise it falls flat and doesn’t sound funny. When things are good I can take compliments and simply thank the giver for it. My sister self deprecated when she felt that she was not getting recognized or appreciated in order to fish for compliments. That is a good observation Joanne. It made me think about the difference.

          3. Joanne says:

            ET really is a powerful thing. It allows the poor or unappealing qualities of someone like a narc to be hidden by their perceived good qualities. Maybe not always hidden but the “good” outweighs the bad for some reason.

            May I ask how you came to classify your sister as MRE? I know you’ve mentioned her several times so I apologize for the repetition.

          4. nunya biz says:

            Yeah, Joanne, totally. I think the best charm facades always include humility even if they don’t feel it.
            The super empath man I adored though was actually humble. When it’s real it’s much more impressive.

          5. Joanne says:

            nunya biz
            Yes, when it’s genuine, humility is very attractive and makes someone appealing.

  3. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Fidelity has never been a virtue of mine.

  4. nunya biz says:

    Uuuggggghhh. It’s like doom.

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