The Fading Narcissist


Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

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17 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist

  1. kathy0720 says:

    It is so appalling to me that I was basically roadkill being fed off of like he was a damn buzzard. I was a depressed heap of a human unable to function. It’s like the walking dead—he’d gnaw at what he could. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

  2. J.G says:

    Hi, H.G. Tudor.
    Very interesting this post, the narcissist’s fading for lack of fuel. I wanted to ask you about the quality of the fuel. We already know that the fuel of an IPPS provides much more energy than any other. The lack of this one, makes that the narcissist has to look in his narcissistic matrix to be able to subsist. This fuel being lesser or of lesser quality makes the narcissist extinguish?
    I ask you, because some time ago I coincided in the street with my narcissist, there was no contact but to observe it I saw it turned off, it did not shine as before as in its best moments. Attitude could be said, I did not have that attitude. It seemed empty of energy or fuel, never better said….
    I believe that at that moment he would not have any IPPS although I suppose he would have several IPSS and so on…

  3. Supernova DE says:

    Would a mid ranger be able to sustain himself easily with virtual/long distance secondary sources while away from his IPPS for extended period due to work (3-4 months)?
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Supernova DE says:

        Sorry, can I clarify – if the mid-ranger is away from IPPS for work for 3-4 months – has access to IPPS with text and phone – has access to secondary sources with text and phone – and has proximate NITS available (that he can try to make NISS) – will he fade?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          On the basis of you clarifying the scenario further, this would not result in fading but he would not be at his peak. I suspect however he would surely have NISS proximate also and therefore this would sustain him more effectively than the scenario you outline.

  4. Joanne says:

    Interesting. Mine is divorced for 2 years (from a 15 year marriage) and had a couple short term girlfriends (less than 4 months each). He repeatedly says he doesn’t have time for a seriously relationship between his job and kids (he’s got primary custody of them). I’m sure he works on extracting fuel from his ex-wife, but aside from that, it appears he has a collection of secondary sources. Whether they are ALL of the intimate variety, I don’t know. I’m sure he’s doing the love bombing / charming / nonstop texting routine with them 🙄 I’m also sure he has plenty of remote/virtual sources. After all, that’s where it started with us.

    Is it possible HG, for the narc to comfortably sustain, long term, on fuel supply from his young children plus a collection of secondaries and tertiaries? And simply not want a primary? He just seems to get bored easily and be content without one.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. You may not know the full extent of his fuel matrix and he may well be lying about the absence of an IPPS.
      2. Some narcissists (upper echelon) can proceed without a primary source for some time owing to the strength of the secondary (especially intimate) sources.

      1. Joanne says:

        Thank you HG. Yes, I’m sure there is plenty happening that I’ll never know. Kind of makes my stomach turn how he’s able to operate in such a covert manner. I do feel like his secondaries are many and strong.

        1. Supernova DE says:

          If you don’t mind my asking what school and cadre is your narc?

          1. Joanne says:

            Supernova DE
            I’ve not had a proper narc detector consultation, but based on what I’ve learned, I classify him as UMRN.
            In terms of cadre, he is somewhat of a mix of Somatic and Cerebral, so I would call him Elite, I guess?

            (Although, Victim could possibly apply to him in the sense that is not pathetic or impotent, etc, but he LOVES a pity play.)

    2. Anm says:

      No, not if the Narcissist has Primary Custody of his children. There is a game that narcissist play, and use their children as pawns. Its called the “pick me!” Game. He has already proved through the courts and on “record” that he is a devoted father and law abiding citizen-so he is telling everyone. Now its time to future fake a IPPS and play games to have her prove her worthiness. She could be triangulated with the ex wife, or if the ex wife pulled herself out of the “pick me” game, that he could be triangulating the IPPS with the kids or a IPSS.

  5. kathy0720 says:

    I have a great idea. How about dousing gasoline over a few of them and flinging a lit match that same direction?

    1. kel says:

      The fumes would be too toxic, Lol!

      1. Twisted Heart says:

        Haha Kel! It would be a biohazard. A nuclear disaster! I’m in.

    2. Kensey says:

      The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back

      It sounds as if they will burn out on their own, sweet Kathy, no worries.

      1. kathy0720 says:

        Oh Kensey.. I’m not so sweet. Thank you.

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