Hidden Engagement



How many times have you stood outside the study door and pressed you ear against the door in the hope of hearing something? Many times I would wager. You press it closer and close your eyes as if shutting off one sense might just aid another. Is that our voice you can hear? It is difficult to tell as the frenetic and anxious beating of your heart causes the blood to roar in your ears and you cannot tell if that is us speaking in a low murmur, the sound of a television or the incessant hum of the technology on the other side of this portal. Are we speaking to someone or is that now the clack of the keyboard as our fingers glide across it? What is it that we are doing beyond this door? Your hand reaches out to the handle but you know that it is pointless. The door will be locked. It was not long after we began these night time residences in the study that a lock was fitted and you have never seen the key. The room is always locked when we are in it. The room is always locked when we are not in it. You have no access. You once went to find a ladder, determined to peer in through the window and see what lies within. Strange thoughts of witnessing bizarre experiments flicked through your mind, visions of some hybrid beast chained and caged, a monster yet to be unleashed, yet as you looked up you could see that the blinds had been closed. Once again we had out strode you.

Even if a locked door did not bar your access you know that as soon as you began to open the door we would appear at it, face filling the crack, bodyweight behind it preventing you from pushing it open any further, our suspicious face blocking you from seeing what lay within. We soon ushered you away, muttering about having important work to do. You made kind noises, suggesting that we worked too hard and inviting us to allow you ingress so you might massage our shoulders but your suggestion did not even merit a reply as the door was shoved shut once again. You shall not pass might as well have been etched on the timber.

Now you walk past, the cold blue light leaking from underneath the door, evidence of the technology at work inside. You always pause and contemplate what we could be doing. What is it that engrosses us to such a degree that we are preoccupied inside this place nearly every night, from after dinner until late. You gave up trying to stay awake for our eventual appearance in bed. Now, you awake in the night and find that we have magically appeared beside you, having soundlessly and lightly entered the room and climbed into bed. Occasionally you have debated looking for the key as we slept and trying to access our place of refuge but you have come to fear and dread the backlash from such clandestine behaviour as it as if we sleep with one eye open. We always catch you when you start to play us at our own game, with sneaking about and covert activities.

Truth be told you have no idea what goes on when we indulge in our night life. You may be told we are working or enjoying watching a film in peace, without the interruption of children, animals, telephones or you. There just might be a film on in the background but the only work that is being undertaken is of the plotting kind. We are busy tending to our growing kingdom of admirers as we flick between the first ‘phone, the second ‘phone and the computer. Technological tendrils radiate away from these devices as we scour the dating sites, pick up the previous evening’s flirtations with someone with an inviting user name and bat back and forth the messages with a new prospect on Facebook. Our inbox bulges with the fruit of our nefarious labours, the computer screen contains an array of different tabs and notifications as the world of social media lights up the monitor. Messages, emoticons and pictures cascade towards us as we drink up this fuel. We reply to text messages, plan arrangements to meet, indulge in sending sexual snares to capture a willing victim and requesting plenty of pictures to send to the hard drive which is attached to the computer. The heat from these exchanges would readily power the house for a week. You may hear a film but it will not be the latest block buster or some critically acclaimed production. Instead we will be staring glassy eyed at the naked figures which contort for out imagined direction. Our fingers grip the mouse and with each click we delve deeper and deeper into the vast array of pornography, our tastes becoming ever more extreme and dangerous. Some nights we might spend ten seconds watching one piece of footage before our eyes are drawn to a more enthralling thumbnail beneath which we dutifully click on. Then another and another. We watch everything but see nothing as we flit like a butterfly from one porn site to another, dancing across the categories, inserting our own searches as we seek that elusive hit that satisfies us. Our eyes widen as an e-mail arrives and we immediately open it, delighting in the messages we can see racking up on our ‘phones. We are gorging on flirtation, infidelity and voyeurism. Like a glutton we cannot get enough as we stuff ourselves with the fuel that flows from so many supply lines. As we do so our thoughts drift to you lying alone, no doubt wondering what we are doing and we allow ourselves a smile as we savour that drop of negative fuel, imagining your discomfort and loneliness.

It begins as an hour after dinner. Then two. Soon external appointments start to be discarded and avoided in order to make a return to the mothership and plug in to all of the waiting admirers in chatrooms, across the internet and in cyberspace. Soon the entire evening is given over to this pursuit and then it bleeds into the early hours until we are still sat wired and fuelled, clicking and surfing as the first rind of dawn can be seen on the horizon. This is our nightlife.

20 thoughts on “Hidden Engagement

  1. A383 says:

    HG, may I ask, prior to SM, was Tabitha still part of your fuel matrix and if not, do you know what happened to her. Thankx.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. A383 says:

        Thanks, she’s my personal favourite. The ‘making a decision thing’ along with the ‘parent threatening to cut you out of the will’ both stopped me dead in my tracks. I knew then you were the real deal HG. Unbelievable insight.

        I appreciate your time x

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed A383 and thank you.

  2. Narc noob says:

    How does the greater manage their sleep routine? I read somewhere that the only thing across the board for narcs is that they usually like their alcohol. Is it common for GN to engage in substance abuse?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We go to sleep but do not need a lot of it.

      1. Narc noob says:

        Thanks HG. I see my question wasn’t well written. I understand GN don’t need much of it (sleep) but I was just wondering if anything external is used to keep energy levels up? Perhaps not a question for the forum.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You may always ask anything you like NN, whether you get an answer is a different matter! Narcissists will use recreational drugs and some of those are used to maintain energy levels because they act as a substitute for fuel. Drug-taking also accords with certain lifestyle choices of narcissists, whether it is escaping accountability, hedonism or something else.

          1. Narc Noob says:

            I have been seeing comments about SM throughout the blog comments here. Why is this relationship different? Is it because it’s your new and shiny IPPS or am I missing something more HG?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Please see the thread on ‘A Stolen Love’

  3. wounded says:

    I’ve thanked you before for numerous reasons. Your sharing of what you are and your insights have allowed people like me to use logical thinking and penetrate truths our emotional thinking kept hidden.

    I’ve asked questions that dance around specific instances of people in my life as I learn more about narcissism in general and toxic relationships I’m currently in.

    Your writing about narcissism as a coping method sucked the rage out of me. I no longer see a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I see a child dressed as a monster who can’t ever take the costume off.

    One thing I’ve always been curious about are certain specific behaviors like the bolt hole. Because I have never been close enough to witness certain things I don’t know whether not these specific behaviors have manifested themselves in a relationship. Is it possible for someone to be a narcissist have particular things not be present (like the use of a bolt hole for instance)? Or for a narcissist to know about certain manipulative tactics of another narcissist and pretend to be the polar opposite of that particular narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. You are welcome.
      2. Narcissists behave in similar ways but the absence of a particular behaviour does occur and therefore does not then mean that that person is not a narcissist because that behaviour is missing (sometimes it is actually the case it is there but you do not know about it/have not yet seen it).
      3. Only a Greater would consciously pretend to be something else.

      1. wounded says:

        I appreciate your detailed response. I was vague in my question however. My co dependent friend hooked up with a long lost friend of ten years. There were a few red flags but nothing big until the recent cancelling of plans in which she was the messenger. This has caused a rift in our friendship. The kicker is he shares an ex girlfriend with the former narcissist she was entangled with. The positives are that he is helping her with her indeciveness, they are doing keto and the gym together, he leaves his phone out and shares messages from his ex-wife with her. They are also both now off Facebook and messenger together as well and she has talked about moving in with him and his kids. It seems rosy – but I feel like she’s being isolated with all of this. I’m wondering if, because he shared an ex with her narc, he would know the manipulation tactics used previously. Mind you, I could be paranoid. Then again I read Chained last night and I have a gut instinct that is telling me I am being too forgiving.

  4. Sarah says:

    Currently NC.
    The lastest texts I received was “Still better without me in the picture?” and then, three days later, “I guess so. I miss you and this is a problem. But so be it. I hope you’re happy x”

    Obvious hidden aggression behind those words of apparent concern. Selfishness and lack of boundaries/respect, also. He is just itching for control.

  5. Narc noob says:

    Perhaps a cup placed on the door before my ear gets near will help some? Ha ha, nope.

    Well written, always good to see a new post! 👍

    A MMRN I know, night-time becomes day time and so on, so forth, as it’s a fulltime pursuit.

    Do you use anything to keep going? I know LN and MRN have a propensity for substance abuse but I am gathering the GN might more readily just use the alcohol to sustain them?

  6. Christopher Jackson says:

    All that fuel is on a buffet and it screams “hg drink as much fuel as you like …to your hearts desire”.

  7. Joanne says:

    This is such a huge turn off. I picture him in this way (not sitting in a study) but on his phone/laptop switching from one app to another having the same conversations, telling the same dumb jokes, repeating the same tired lines with multiple appliances 🙄🙄

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      Joanne, same here 🙄

  8. Kiki Romano says:

    This sounds totally exhausting especially when one considers that narcissists also usually have jobs, children and other responsibilities. What a waste of time and what an endeavor..

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