The Silent Sextuplet
The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.
1. My silence is always meaningful
You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence. We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silent that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.
2. Absence makes the silence longer
The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silent treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.
3. The silent gesture
Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how you mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hoovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday, creating a gap which ought to have been filled stands out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.
4. The silent presence
By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.
5. Suffer in silence
You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.
6. I speak, you stay silent
Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem it necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.
32 thoughts on “The Silent Sextuplet”
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Just read the first paragraph – so never mind that last post. ^^
Nevertheless the GP can also be argued that of it’s abusive traits, abusive tendency- it isn’t just in devaluation, discard, or shelving!
6. Is that also in the golden period?
silence- gawd- i put up with so much of it. I was kinda clueless the reasons for it while I was entangled but it’s so clear once you’re out. Becomes so obvious and it’s clear to see the why/the punishment or message being sent. Thankfully I’ve learned so much.
This is an incredibly nutball way to conduct oneself and while I’m imperfect I am grateful I am not a total ass. The world is filled with these men—I disagree with an interview you gave HG that indicated you feel that women are nearly equal to men in being narcissists. (Under the guise of often being borderline) Certainly there are women that are narcissists but not to the degree men are. Many men are complete ass wipes on the emotional spectrum—your brains are wired to just be this way more than with women. My observations are that this sort of nonsense is much more common than flagrant borderline behavior from women and/or passive aggressive shenanigans. I’m not sure what triggered this male vs. female delineation for me after reading this but it did come to the forefront of my mind. In fact, I’ll go as far as to admit I actually contemplated some passive manipulations toward a narcissistic female I know that has hurt people I care about deeply. (We discussed it) I called her last week and let her know just who was responsible for her latest woes. All legal. Me. Narcissists are cowards—that is the difference. I’m fed up and outside of the purview of meandering around my ex’s crazies for the sake of my kids I’m not accommodating anymore personality disorders with as much TLC.
Wrong.
This is a subject where I could write a lot to comprehensively demolish your incorrect assertion (although as ever you are welcome to and thank you for expressing your opinion) but time prevents me from doing so.
Narcissists do not just manifest as an ‘ass wipe’ – they come in differing schools. The charming, seductive, powermonger, the brutish thug, the cry baby, the office politician always backstabbing but never confronting, the overbearing and controlling relative. Narcissism does not distinguish by gender but existing prejudices make erroneous distinctions.
If a narcissist is the person who beats their romantic partner then yes there will be more male narcissists than female (although the number of females by this category would be higher than you realise – the issue of battered men is greater than people recognise). However, this is but one type of narcissist. The fact is many female narcissists go unrecognised because they accord less with the aggressive, alpha type narcissist and more with the passive aggressive subtly manipulating narcissist who is harder to spot. Further, society has a gender bias – it does not like to stigmatise women with a label which is (wrongly) seen as the preserve of the aggressive type of narcissist. Thus the majority of female narcissists go undetected but who do you think these people are, these labels being applied to women
Crazy ex-girlfriend
Bunny boiler
Psycho stalker girlfriend
Domineering mother
Battleaxe mother in law
Nosey interfering neighbour
Village gossip
And that is just a few. These ‘types’ will be narcissists. Female narcissists. The contribution to narcissists is roughly equal between genders. You might be surprised to know of the number of men who consult with me as a consequence of entanglement with a female narcissist. How hard have many of you who are female found it to spot the male narcissist, think then how difficult it is for a man to identify the female narcissist.
Amongst Lesser and Greater narcissists, men are the dominant gender, amongst mid range, women are the dominant gender.
That’s certainly been my experience. Most of the women I have entangled with were in the mid range while the men in the lesser and greater (just business wise).
Indeed NN. It is of course broad brush in terms of analysis but it holds firm.
Agree to disagree. I think more men have these dispositions. Although, the illustration of common sorts of female narcissists is helpful—I had already included them (from my observations) in my anecdotal summation. Perhaps I’m more disgusted today than usual—I’ll own that certainly but I have substantial less fanfare for men these days. Common twits..
I will set you straight when we speak!
Whatever you goofball. I’m going back to bed.
How can I comeback from such a forensic end to the discussion?!
You can’t. You just have to accept the genetic superiority of women.
Laugh? I nearly spared a minion. And they say my kind are deluded.
This is the male chauvinistic argument that is all over the internet and that is utterly false: “(the issue of battered men is greater than people recognise)”. The cases were females exercise violence against males are minimal and among those numbers you can even find women that have been triggered to do so for years by males or violence committed between partners of same sex (included male vs. male). Gender-based violence is real and a product of the patriarchal system we live in. So no, the issue of battered men is not greater than people recognize”, it is a minimal problem in comparison to this:
-1 in 4 women in the UK will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
-Every year 400,000 women are sexually assaulted and 80,000 women are raped.
-In 2014, 1,432 women were identified as potential victims of trafficking in the UK. Of these 653 were trafficked for sexual exploitation.
-In 2014, the Forced Marriage Unit gave advice or support to 1,267 possible forced marriage cases.
-137,000 women and girls living in England and Wales have experienced Female Genital Mutilation.
-2 women are murdered by their partners or ex-partners per week.
-1 in 5 women have experienced stalking since the age of 16.
-750,000 children witness domestic violence each year.
-40% of teenagers are in abusive relationships.
At the bottom, it is this patriarchal and misogynistic system what allows, makes so normal, accepted and widespread narcissistic abuse.
Thank you for missing the point.
I was not diminishing the incidence of violence towards women.
I was pointing out that physical violence towards men from their partners is greater than people realise.
You do realise that to make that point, does not mean one is stating that women are not physically injured by their partners don’t you?
I note that you manage to provide a whole host of statistics with regard to female victims but produce nothing with regard to men. I think that is because you have completely misunderstood the point I was making and you have raced to promote your own agenda (well-intentioned but misguided).
I am not stating more men are battered by women than vice versa.
I am not stating that the situation of battered women (by men) is exaggerated.
I stated that physical abuse (and other forms of abuse) against men by women in a relationship is higher than people realise.
Re-read what I stated and then you will see you got it completely wrong.
Since you like statistics so much, here are some for you in return :-
Parity (a charity for men’s rights) details that male victims of domestic violence in the UK are higher than 40% of all victims. Here is the link to the Guardian article which provides statistics form the British Crime Survey. Greater than 40% – I should imagine many people did not realise it was as high as that. Oh and look, they also provide the information for domestic violence against women (whereas you left out any information with regard to men).
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence
Here is a report from the CDC in the US (again Male and female statistics are included)
https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6308a1.htm?s_cid=ss6308a1_e
Note 30.3%, or about 1 in 3 women, have been physically assaulted by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
25.7%, or about 1 in 4 men, have also experienced physical assault by a partner sometime in their life.
There is plenty more.
This is not an issue about which gender has most victims. We all know women are more often victims than men, the point is that the number of male victims is higher than pepole realise. Those who are victims of such physical violence (and other forms of abuse – sexual, emotional, financial, psychological etc) are invariably victims of narcissists. The issue of our kind and the impact on people is far greater than people realise as a whole and the disparity greater with regards to men.
I think men that are getting smacked around by women are (often) generally getting what they dished out and like a good victim mid ranger they relish in being pathetic.
HG
I accept that there are more male victims than most people realize (more than we realize – not more than women being the important distiction) just from recognizing the simple fact that men would be less likely for a number of societal reasons to report it.
Precisely.
I do agree with this entirely. Also—male/male violence would have some stigma for the reporter.
Claire, are you trying to be a comedian like Bill Burr in his stand up routine of No Reason to Hit A Woman? Or have you just grouped most men who are victims of physical abuse as abusive and narcissists who essentially use it to meet their victimhood?
If the latter, I will have to admit that that is a new one. I have heard: “men can’t be raped;” “men can’t be physically abused as women are not normally as physically strong;” “men don’t show weakness and can suck it up.” All of which I have thought are fucking ridiculous!
And if the latter, I ask that you consider that no one knows what really happens behind closed doors and a nice facade can do wonders for society to believe one thing while the reality at home is different.
HG, thank you for making it clear that acknowledging one does not erase the situation for the other!
I was working on a reply and WordPress did the little crash thing.. I’ll wait to see if it is lost before I type that out again! I appreciate being thoughtful in response.
Hi Getting there.. I do see my prior entry never made it.. Not comedic today at all really. I’m exhausted/irritated and admittedly male bashing to an extent. I concede there is no way to statistically analyze which victims of physical abuse (female to male) are actually pity playing mid rangers who frustrated their partners into reactive abuse scenarios vs. not. Rape? I’ve yet to see it and I’m in a position to see it professionally on the front lines. (Male to male yes I do see at times..) Sure, it can happen. There are many things that can happen certainly. There has to be something to the fact that most members of narcissistic abuse recovery forums are female?? I’d love to see HG expend on this.
…which reminds me of the story of Alex Skeel, a UK father who was repeatedly and violently abused by his now ex-girlfriend, Jordan Worth.
By way of example, the girl would hit Alex in the head and shins with a hammer, pour boiling water on his arms and back as he slept, starve him, slash his hands with a knife, force him to sleep on the floor, beat him with a broken hairbrush (breaking his tooth in the process) and do lots of other crazy sh*t.
In case anybody wonders, she’s in prison at the moment – and has a new boyfriend.
I don’t recall any mention of the “N word” (as HG would say) being made on the websites telling the story.
Clearly the behaviour of a narcissist. Lesser.
I think narcissists are equal in numbers, male to female. I think women on average use less detectable manipulations.
Correct.
Hello, Claire.
Thank you for providing more! I’m sorry you are having one of those days. I hope things get better!
I’m sorry but I can’t remember the details of the rape I did hear about. I want to say that alcohol was involved but I can’t remember. I held on to the comment and the concerns of the stigma men can feel and why some won’t report being a victim of violence.
You have a very interesting point about the participation on sites like this. I have different ideas on possibly why, but I like your idea about having HG provide what he thinks on this subject.
I actually know a couple of good men who appear to have been victims in marriages now over. They both seem to just try to move on and not talk too much about what they went through. The information I get is from trusted others who have observed things and have been able to gather tidbits here and there. Both ex- wives sound like they would be MRN, but then I have to be careful with my thinking as the information is coming from a third party. I have recommended HG to one, through the person sharing with me, but it doesn’t sound like he has actually connected to it.
Thank you for sharing that story, Emp. That is horrible, and I was surprised to see the part about the new boyfriend. I hope he stays safe when she is released from jail.
Thanks for your answer (and mansplaining 😉 ). I don’t have any agenda and I understood your point in the article. It seems to me that you, on the contrary, did not understand mine. It’s interesting that’s your argument (those in your answer too) are used all over the internet by men. Anyway, you say that your argument is this: “I stated that physical abuse (and other forms of abuse) against men by women in a relationship is higher than people realise.” Yes, surely, statistics only reflect the number of complains so the same can be said about violence against women or any other crime. I hope you can see that the effect of putting those numbers together (violence against men and violence againce women) Is that you trivialize the second.
Utter nonsense.
It is clear with your accisation of ‘mansplaining’ that you DO have a prejudiced agenda. You assume a logical explanation amounts to mansplaining because you have been shown to be wrong and therefore you have to resort to a patronising comment.
I understand your comment perfectly. I know women suffer through abuse (after all I am an abuser am I not and all my romantic victims have been women). I also understand that your intention (even though you deny this) is to railroad through stats about women victims and completely ignore the fact that men are victims too.
How on earth you can maintain that putting the numbers together trivialises violence against women, shows how skewed your thinking is. That is utter rubbish.
I made a clear point. You sought to hijack it with your own prejudiced approach, you have failed to address what I wrote and interestingly you show no concern at all for male victims, merely restating the position viz a viz women. That speaks volumes – you make it all about YOUR argument and not about an objective observation that men and women suffer from abuse, more women than men do, but that the proportion of men who do is higher than people realise.
What you ought to be focussing on is that narcissism affects people regardless of gender. However, that doesn’t suit you to state that does it?
I am not wasting any further time with you.
I take 3 years of silence, I blocked everything, I explained it in such a way that I do not think I have ovaries to contact again, I wrote letters to their lovers and to their women, with evidence that left no room for doubt. . Your circle becomes smaller and smaller and the years every day help less, money is also necessary and you do not have it, I am happy to see it from my eyes and I do not absorb its decadence, in the end it also arrives.
I have to say I feel superior to his lieutenants. They must kiss up to him, brush off criticisms, and listen as he goes on and on with his complaints of others and questionable point of view.
I am free to say whatever I like to him. I can be honest, take his criticisms as constructive or brush them off as nonsense. I see him more often, I have no rules, and only low expectations of him, but fondly like family, as people become.
I didn’t want to ask him advice at work the other day, but no one else was around. There’s never a fast answer from him, he asks a bunch of questions about it, goes on and on. My hip was leaning at the corner of his desk where he was sitting in his chair. While I’m talking, he reaches to a ledger close to me and pushes it towards my way a little. I move a little, he pushes it more, I move back around and we do this again, but in the process it’s more like he’s reaching out and about to touch me, as I have to keep maneuvering back away from it.
It reminds of Tom Ewell chasing around Marilyn Monroe in the Seven Year Itch, he seductive while she is focused on what she’s talking about and not even noticing his moves. Except the boss is a greater, he’s sly and smooth and well practiced. It’s also like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers gliding across the room gracefully. Before I realize it, we’ve moved around to the other side of his desk and he’s standing directly behind me as I continue my story, positioning a chair and I feel our buttocks brush against each other once, then three times, and who knows what my hand just accidentally brushed against on him, and wait did his hand just lightly touch me?
He’s so fast at it all, and I’m focused on what I’m talking about, I don’t even notice it til I wonder later. I’ve known him so long, I don’t think anything of it, and of course I know he doesn’t think anything of it either!
Oh I forgot to mention that when he turned around from adjusting the chair behind me, he was standing directly above me, asking me a question about what I’d just said, staring at my lips as I answered. I suppose we would look like we’re about to kiss if someone walked in, but we weren’t, we were just talking.
Before this started, when I asked him the question initially, he called me a doofus, jokingly. But when I explained he’d jumped to the wrong conclusion and why, I put a hand on my hip and said lightheartedly, Now who’s the doofus? That’s when the dance around his desk began. I know from this site that calling me a name is a manipulation, a hook to reel me in, a seed to plant.
It’s nice knowing the facts about narcissist’s. No matter if you can handle a moment with them though, here I am posting about him because it’s on my mind. Goso is inevitable with them and focusing elsewhere is just so healthy.