A Bowl of Cherries

A BOWL OF CHERRIES

I have an Inner Circle Friend. He is what people would generally regard as a ‘good man’. He is older than me, not old enough to be a father. More of the younger uncle who is solid but enjoys a little spice to his life. He tackles fraud in government organisations, enjoys a beer, loves his sport, a keen family man, devout and plays a part in his local church, plays musical instruments, writes poetry and every Saturday he picks up the shopping and spends an hour chatting with a housebound friend of his. He and I enjoy Italian food and a good debate as we set the world to rights. He enjoys a fierce discussion and it is all good fuel but there is never any grudge afterwards, even when I have twisted and spun in order to avoid conceding a particular point. Every time we meet up he always begins by reminding me that my life is a bowl of cherries.

“Yes HG it is bowl of cherries. Look at you. An educated man with many friends, good job, well-read, able to do as he pleases and you travel. You organise your time so you can spend time with lots of people and most of all the girls. Holy Toledo, the girls. You get through them and no mistake but you are never troubled by it are you? Sometimes I wish I was single and younger so I could join you in these adventures. You are a man comfortable in his own skin. I can see that and this means you are able to have a life which is a bowl of cherries.”

I always enjoy this little speech of his. It is important to people to recognise my elevated position and the rewards that come with it. He never displays any jealousy nor does he judge what I do (albeit of course he does not know it all). He regards my behaviours as ‘hi-jinks’ and ‘ capers’ . The preserve of the younger man with the world at his feet. I will relay the latest tale of my activities as he sips from his rioja. He laughs and shakes his head as I detail to him what I have been doing, but he is never alarmed by what I tell him. He is a big believer in living life to the full, seizing opportunities and setting the world alight. All of which I naturally do. There is only topic where he passes comment in a slightly adverse way. Children.

“So HG,” he will begin before swallowing more of his wine and lighting yet another cigarette if we are dining at his house,”when can we expect some children? All these ladies and you cannot tell me that they do not want a little HG to share the cherries with?”

“Maybe one day,” I lie since I have no intention of having any children. He is unaware I took care of that some time ago.

“Well you are in your prime so those cherries will keep on appearing, juicy and ripe, but seriously, a man should have children. I have four. Two by each wife. Children are a great comfort. Tells you that someone can bear you if they want to carry your offspring, they give you something to strive for, something to live for and then you have a legacy as you see them go into the world making their own way.”

I smile and allow him to say all of this. I hear it each time that we meet up.

“You must have met the right lady by now, surely? You have no problem attracting them with your big bowl of cherries now do you?”

“True enough but there is so much to do and sharing those cherries isn’t really on the agenda.”

“Come now,” he smiles, “you have more than enough and you should share. You should be showering your gifts on someone special and your offspring. It is the right thing to do. You have no need to worry, my lad, about sharing those cherries you know. You always have a bowl full and if you share a few around then you will always be able to pick some more won’t you?”

“There is never enough though and I have to be careful you know, there are too many who would steal my cherries from me and leave me with nothing.”

“No there isn’t,I have told you before, the cherries are there to share, not to hoard. You need to listen to me. Share and keep picking.”

I smile and let him continue with his monologue about cherries and children. He is right though I am the cherry picker. I am up on high,elevated above everything else around me and I reach those places that the little people can never reach. I can move from side to side, up and down and ensure that I always obtain the tastiest and most succulent cherries before anybody else. I can see them dark red and with that polished lustre just waiting to be picked by me and me alone. So many out there to collect in order to try and fill my bowl. If only I could figure out some way to plug the hole in my bowl, maybe then I might just be tempted to share.

 

114 thoughts on “A Bowl of Cherries

  1. Indy says:

    Hi HG,
    I enjoyed reading this post and am glad you have this friend. It feels (I could be projecting) that you have a soft spot for this friend. Which brings me to a question…how many people do you have in your life that are genuine friends to you and not just either being used for benefits or are attempting to use their connection with you? Related question: how many of your legit friends have you categorized as narcissist, empath, codependent or “normal” (hate that word, who the heck is truly normal these days).

    I also agree with those that validate that choosing not to have kids can be very thoughtful and some chose to have kids for very self centered motives.

    Best to you and your blog…

    Indy, formerly dubbed the peddler of oils, potions, spells and gluten free treats

    1. Indy says:

      Same with this comment from 2 weeks ago that still says “in moderation”…Betting they are Lost

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No they are not, they are in moderation still. I am working my way through them.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      All friends are there for my benefit, otherwise they become surplus to requirements and an unnecessary burden.
      I have not done an inventory on the classification of my friends, but they contain narcissists, empaths and normal.

  2. NarcAngel says:

    People ask that question about having children like they’re discussing the weather when it should be thought of more like asking someone how much money they make – personal and none of their business. They have no idea what that baby will be born into. Its like some weird club canvassing for new members, and if you tell them no, they go into full high pressure sales mode. Ridiculous. I mean in general – not referring to the questions here about the possibility of HG and SM having children, because questions in general have been invited. There I have more concern than curiosity.

    1. Mercy says:

      NarcAngel,

      I agree. When you see on the news that a parent has abused their child or neglected them or worse, the first comments you read are “people like that shouldn’t be allowed to have children”. Those same people are the ones that will be the first to ask a newly married couple “how many kids are you planning to have”. More couples are choosing not to have children for their own reasons and I think society is shifting in their opinions to acceptance. Unfortunately there are still some that need to mind their own business and not try to force their opinions on others. 

    2. Sniglet says:

      Only recently I’ve decided I want children (I’ve been too selfish in the past) but cannot seem to find the right man. IVF sounds good where I wouldn’t need to meet him so I can live in peace and teach the baby everything. I have so much to share!!!

      1. SMH says:

        Sniglet, I have a few friends who have each had one child that way. They are very happy to live in peace.

        1. Sniglet says:

          SMH – good to know and encouraging indeed. If I start the process it would be nerve-racking and an exciting journey. 🙂

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Sniglet
            You should absolutely consider IVF if you want a child. I discussed this with a woman at work who wanted a child but was still single. She felt she would be shamed if she pursued a child through IVF because she was not married or in a committed relationship. I asked her what would be the bigger regret? Not having the child and being disappointed herself or disappointing others? She also could not discuss it with family or friends (in the case that it was not successful she did not want to divulge that she had tried) or go through with it unsupported, so I offered to help her research it and accompay her to appts once she made her decision to go through with it. I was the only person who knew (no small feat because her sister worked with us). Hopefully you have family to support you, but if you do not, there is always someone who will. You do not need to miss out on this experience if it’s what you really want.

          2. Anm says:

            NA,
            That’s so awesome! Having a friend to attend those appointments will put her mind at ease. They will probably think that you two are lesbians, but really, your coworker will be proud that she has a village and army to back up her decision, and all she has to offer her baby.

          3. SMH says:

            Sniglet, Very exiciting! There are lots of support groups out there for ‘sperm donor’ babies and there are some really interesting social things happening – like the offspring of a single donor finding each other. I also read a story about a woman who had a donor baby, met the donor and they fell in love. It’s a brave new world full of possibilities!

        2. Sniglet says:

          Hi NA, so lovely of you to support her. Did she finally have a child through IVF after your conversation? If I proceed with this procedure I have family and friends who would support me through it all. As long as it is my own flesh and blood no one would chastise me for my choice. At times I do have a traditional streak in me and would prefer to do the whole think the good old fashioned way but it is not a necessity. From everyone’s comments IVF certainly seems popular. I will give it serious consideration. Thank you for everybody’s suggestions and guidance. You are all wonderful!

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Sniglet
            She has had the procedure a few times and has not been successful to date but is still trying. She worries that she waited too long due to her concern about what other people would think and that her window of time has passed. I hope she is successful and if she is not, that she won’t beat herself up about waiting. Fingers crossed. I’m glad to hear you will be supported should you decide it’s right for you.

      2. Anm says:

        Sniglet. IVF is the way to go. If it seems expensive, or non-traditional, ask anyone the price of reproducing with a Narcissist.

    3. lisk says:

      I’m with you 100% on this one, NarcAngel. Not only your point about what the child will be born into, but is there no consideration by these enquiring minds about couples who might be “trying” but don’t want to talk about their possible infertility? Or that the woman they are asking might already pregnant but might be keeping silent until she’s in a post-first trimester safe zone?

      Ugh, inconsiderate, thoughtless, non-empathetic people!

      1. Mercy says:

        Lisk, you make a very good point about infertility. I have 3 daughters. One is a baby making machine, one doesn’t want children at all and the third, it’s looking like she may not be able to conceive. The third is the hardest. She only talks about it with me and her sisters. She wants children but may not be able to have them. She’ll get through either way but doesn’t want people to ask “when are you going to have kids” as a reminder all of the time.

    4. Joanne says:

      NA
      Yes. I think it’s incredibly rude when people ask others if they’re planning to have kids. What’s worse is when they begin to pressure them as if it’s some task that needs to be ticked off a checklist of living a full or “normal” life.

  3. Lou says:

    Have you figured out a way to plug the hole in your bowl, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Banana

      1. WhoCares says:

        Hahaha!

      2. WhoCares says:

        Still laughing…that was very cheeky of you.

      3. Lou says:

        For a moment, when I read your reply, I was afraid I had misspelled bowl and added an e inadvertently.
        Bananas are good. I really enjoy them.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’ve gone Freudian you degenerate!

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Mr Tudor,
            You two are dirty 🍌
            🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Lou says:

            Bubbles, I really didn’t mean THAT.
            Sorry Mr Tudor.

          3. Lou says:

            I know. I apologize. However, I didn’t mean what I think you understood. I was just thinking of the effect bananas are supposed to have. That’s all.
            Not much better, I know.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, I understand. It’s not a problem. They are good for providing potassium and for assisting with hangovers by the way.

          5. Lou says:

            Phew, thanks HG.
            Hangovers are a mystery to me. Have been drunk several times but have never had one.

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear Lou… and Mr Tudor
          https://youtu.be/Q1izY7dSCPU
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Lou says:

            Bubbles, very funny and nice. Wise words too!
            Thanks!

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest Lou,
            Thank you
            It’s all about finding a balance …that’s a no-mean feat for some
            A “prophylactic” banana n cherry a day keeps the …. or is that an apple 🍎? Scallops contain zinc and boost sexual desire, Casanova ate over 50 a day
            Don’t for get to wash it down with red wine
            🤣
            What the hell …. try them all I say
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. Lou says:

            I’ll try them all, Bubbles.
            Thanks.
            😘

        3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest Lou,
          You’re too cute … haha
          Apparently, bananas help increase libido and reverse impotence in men
          Cherries are a superfood (anti-inflammatory) and are beneficial after a “workout”
          I best go and fill the fruit bowl 🍌🍒
          🤣
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Lou says:

            Dear Bubbles,
            I see you keep fit.
            I love both, fresh cherries and bananas.
            I knew bananas are rich in potassium but didn’t know they helped increase libido and reverse impotence. I’ll make sure my sweetheart eats one everyday from now on. Lol.
            XX

          2. Lou says:

            Prophylactic bananas.

          3. shesaw says:

            Bubbles, I read ‘reverse omnipotence in men’ 😂Give that narc a banana!

          4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear shesaw,
            Hahaaaha .. make it a bunch
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          5. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Lou,
            Please don’t eat 50 scallops and wash it down with red wine …. you’ll be sick ….. haha
            We all know the 5 food groups, everything in moderation and finding what works for you
            If something doesn’t agree with you or makes you sick, steer clear of it …..that includes a narc 😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. WiserNow says:

    Ha ha Bubbles, that made me laugh 😄

  5. JustEmpath says:

    So there will be no kids with Sheildmaiden? 🙁

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will have to wait and see.

  6. Chihuahuamum says:

    The last line summed it up so well. That hole needs fixing. Sharing is where true joy in life is not keeping it all for yourself.
    On the subject of children ive seen it asked by many here if youll have children. I have to say i respect you greatly for really thinking that out HG. My narc never wanted kids and i think deep down its bc hes afraid bc he knows hes messed up psychologically. He also knows he is not one to commit so permanently.
    I see many ask this question when will you have children and was asked it a lot in my 20s. Its a deeply personal question. I suffered from infertility so it was a sensitive subject and many dont factor that in. So can it be when you have an aversion to having children whatever that reason may be.

  7. lisk says:

    I am slightly surprised that you would not want a mini-HG or mini-HG-ette or two running around at your feet.

    But I also understand why you do not want children. I never wanted them, either. And that’s partly due to vanity.

    Anyway, have you ever told any of your fuel sources that you had a vasectomy? If so, did you tell them at the beginning of the relationship or later for negative fuel purposes?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

  8. SMH says:

    Oh, this is so sad! The hole in your bowl. I’m sorry happiness is so hard for you to find, HG, and you never feel fulfilled, though whether you have children or not doesn’t really matter. Children do not guarantee happiness or fulfillment. Neither does money, you know. Just ask my narc. Anyway, here I was having doubts about both you and SM because The Economist is your favourite rag, and suddenly my empathy bubbled up!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Didn’t say it was the favourite.

      1. SMH says:

        Which is the favourite, then? (Favourite rag, in case you cannot see the original comment.) Mine is the Grauniad. I even took a screenshot after the Scottish referendum when they mixed up the results on the front page, and for a second there, everyone thought Scotland was leaving the UK.

  9. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Having too many cherries can give you the pip 🍒
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Lol bubbles good point!🤣

    2. Chihuahuamum says:

      Im craving cherries now 😄 we actually cherry picked on vacation a year ago.

  10. kel says:

    You took care of not having children? Vasectomy? Was that so that you didn’t continue the bad seed lineage, or because you disdain children that much?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      To avoid unnecessary distractions from achieving what must be achieved.

      1. foolme1time says:

        HG In one of your earlier posts you commented that having children would take away from attention to yourself and also your fuel supply. You also commented that you didn’t care for children and seen them as a nuisance. ( not your exact words) have you changed your mind on the subject of children?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.

      2. kel says:

        Your grand design is starting to concern me that whatever it is you’re determined to achieve could be on a world wide scale. Is it family vengeance or something more ominous? Children could interfere with time, travel, attention away from you, but there’s always an au pair and boarding school- vasectomy is a grand commitment to a goal. Like your article- Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You- maybe what you’ve got up your sleeve isn’t that perilous or maybe it is?

      3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        Is your mother/family aware, you’ve had the snip ?
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  11. Sarah Jane says:

    Is the housebound friend you, Mr Tudor?

    And is ‘housebound’ code for prison?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

  12. Sarah Jane says:

    He says ALL that to you on arrival?
    Mine says ‘put the fucking kettle on, bitch’.

  13. Heather says:

    Hg, Is this inner circle friend of yours that talks about cherries a mid range narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No

      1. WhoCares says:

        Is this inner circle friend a narcissist at all?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, WC, he is not.

          1. WhoCares says:

            Thank-you for confirming that.

    2. Sarah Jane says:

      He must be a Greater then, Heather.

      Me, personally, I like to cut great fat wedges of cheese for my crackers.

  14. mommypino says:

    I have the same outlook as your friend. I feel that my life is more meaningful if I shared my cherries with special people in my life. And I feel the same way with having kids. I have always wanted to be a mom. It is important for my self fulfillment. Being a parent has made my life so meaningful, rich and happy in ways I can’t even describe. It has been nothing but a blessing (that includes the hardships and challenges) and I wish that everyone gets to experience that. But I remind myself that what makes me satisfied and happy does not suit everyone. Some people are more satisfied in not having kids. My brother and SIL for example chose to not have kids before they got married and broke the news to their parents so that they don’t have to wait for any grandkids from them. My dad admitted that he had been hoping for an accidental pregnancy or a change of heart but it never happened. They have been married for more than 30 yrs now with no kids and they are still very happy together. Probably much happier than a lot of people with kids. So I think that people should stay authentic with themselves regardless of what other people think is better for them.

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi mommypino..i totally agree. I think the older generation feels having children is a must but that is not so.

    2. Kelly says:

      Lol, HG is hardly authentic. He’s a narc! Motivation has a lot to do with it, it’s a heart issue. Narcissists are the ultimate definition of selfish. That said, a lot of narcs have kids and destroy them. Well done, HG, for sparing future generations from the curse. That is surprisingly unselfish of you.

      1. mommypino says:

        Kelly,
        I was talking in general terms applying to everyone whether narcs or not. I was talking about being authentic to what you really want deep down inside you instead of making a decision to make other people happy or to keep a facade or whatever reason that is not what you truly want inside. My example was my brother and SIL who were not narcs but decided to be authentic to how they really wanted to live their lives. I was saying in terms of HG, his friend cared about him and thought that kids would make his life better so he was telling HG to have kids. And I was actually commending HG in an indirect way for staying authentic to his decision to not have kids. And I want to add that it is commendable that he didn’t take his friend’s suggestion as a criticism but he understood where his friend was coming from.

        1. WhoCares says:

          mommypino,

          Your comments around “authenticity” really resonate with me.

          Meeting my narc definitely caused me to deviate from my own authenticity. (Kudos to your brother and SIL).

          That is what narcissists do best; is seduce their victims away from their own sense of authenticity. However, we do have a part in that – giving up our authenticity in order to please another – as you said. That’s probably the bigger betrayal for me; I betrayed myself.

          Also, I get what you are saying:

          “And I was actually commending HG in an indirect way for staying authentic to his decision to not have kids. And I want to add that it is commendable that he didn’t take his friend’s suggestion as a criticism but he understood where his friend was coming from.”

          Even psychopaths can have integrity.

    3. Mercy says:

      Mommypino, my oldest doesn’t want children. Like your dad, I was hoping they would change their mind or have a little “oops”. It makes me sad because I want more babies to love but I respect that she is doing what is right for her.

    4. Joanne says:

      MP
      I completely agree. Sharing my bowl of cherries with my family, my kids especially, makes life so much sweeter. What I give to them comes back to me in return. Love and meaning and joy and purpose. It is a sacrifice in many ways but I don’t necessarily see it as one as I feel more reward than anything. Having said that, I do feel that it is not for everyone. When someone says they are not interested in having children, no matter their reason, I respect it. Parenting is not meant for everyone, and the idea of someone being born to a set of people who only had children because it was some societal expectation is very sad and scary.

      1. mommypino says:

        Joanne, very well said. 💕

  15. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Interesting to me that you seem to portray your lack of wanting to reproduce as a narcissistic trait. I think completely the opposite. I think wanting to “carry on the legacy” is the most narcissistic trait of all. I think most “normals” reproduce for this reason. They want a little slice of themselves and their gene pool to continue out in the world. They don’t care that the world is already over populated, or even if they can adequately care for the offspring. I don’t buy the whole maternal or paternal instinct either. You can love a cat or dog. You can adopt a child. You can take care of the elderly. The only true reason in this day and age for reproducing is self centered. You just want more of yourself out in the world, regardless if you can care for it or not. Go ahead and crucify me.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      M3
      Once I was in a group of wiomen discussing children and I was the only one with none and no apparent plans to have them, so of course the discussion turned to why I should, what I’m missing, if there was something wrong with me (wtf?!). I was nice about it and just said it wasn’t for me when one throws out: Well I think you’re selfish. There were other nods and offerings of why I should. Ok then – I’ll play. My reply was: YOU want to have a miniature of yourself in the world to look at and to pour all of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams into and I’M the one that’s selfish? They seemed to think that was rude. Imagine.

      1. marinathemermaid3 says:

        Thank you for that!

      2. Bibi says:

        NA–

        I have had similar. I have no kids and no desire for them. When people react in that manner it pisses me off and I wonder why they feel the need to tell me how great having kids is–as though they are trying to convince themselves. If I visited Hawaii and thought it was the grandest place in the world and someone told me it wasn’t their thing, I would just be like whatever.

        Though your reaction has been similar to mine. I work with a coworker who said, ‘I want kids now. I feel like I am missing out.’

        I told him that having kids for conformity’s sake was not a good enough reason, in my opinion. Then I asked why he felt the need to be such a follower? That didn’t go over well.

        It’s like those types want some medal for their sacrifice. And they give no acknowledgement to the fact that maybe someone recognizes that she would not make for a very good parent. I am one of those people. I at least know myself that much.

        I had someone tell me I was selfish for not wanting kids and I told him that he was selfish for wanting them. ‘You just want someone to care for you when you’re old.’ Selfish.

        If they push further I remind them that no one remember’s Shakespeare’s or Mozart’s kids. On what side would I rather be?

        It cuts both ways.

        But we do need good parents and kudos to all who handle it. I find the best seem to be those who do not push their agenda onto others.

        I have lost more than one female friend to the Baby Train. Too bad really. But I yam what I yam, to quote Popeye.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Bibi
          I agree. I appreciate those who have the love and patience to take on being a good parent. I, too, always knew that I did not, and I didn’t think that I should have to divulge publicly that I was already largely responsible for raising three, and that the only family I would have to offer my own are horribly dysfunctional and abusive. That I would not conform as my mother did. My response to that group may seem harsh to some but I felt it porportional to the way I was being treated/viewed. Oh, I also had a male doctor tell me when I went to see him about a female problem that I was experiencing it because I was not using my body for that which it was intended – having children. I understand that having children can be rewarding and it can be enjoyable when parents share, but that’s where the conversation should end.

      3. FYC says:

        Lol NA! Good for you. I’ve been there often but not said that. Slice of truth served. So few people nurture kids to become their own happy, healthy person (or have time for them). As for my friend’s and neighbor’s kids, I always make sure they feel seen and heard. I always rescue my pets to save a life as well.

      4. WiserNow says:

        NarcAngel,
        I can relate to what you’re saying. I think the whole subject of having babies is surrounded by a lot of emotional thinking. Sometimes I think it shows more love and unselfishness (for your unborn babies) when you decide not to bring them into this world.

        There are many ‘selfish’ aspects about having babies that people seem to be unaware of. What about the narcissistic mothers and fathers who ‘trapped’ their partners by becoming pregnant or making their partner pregnant? That would have happened quite a lot before the days of contraception and porn. That’s not a loving or healthy way to bring a child into the world.

        1. WiserNow says:

          …I should have said, ‘before the days of *abundant* contraception and porn’.

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear WiserNow,
          The weasel took his partner away for a last ditch at mending a very volatile relationship …. ta dahhhh ….up the duff, straight away !
          Their daughter has huuuuuuge psych problems (so does all his other kids) …. surfaced when she was 12 years ! She thinks her dad suffers from ptsd, boy, could I tell her a thing or two!
          My step dad’s grown kids and my brother have issues
          The bully narc brother we know, had three kids, abandoned them and moved to another country ….. they’re all stuffed up (he married again, had another two, left again and those two have bipolar)

          Mr Bubbles n I, were very selfish, we travelled first, THEN had kids!
          We both made a deep conscious decision and all our kids were planned ……for all the “right” reasons
          We knew how we were going to parent ….. hands on and with love ❤️ (something we both missed out on)
          My mum continues to inform me, the only reason I’m here was because the “abortionist” was on holidays 👶
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. SMH says:

            Bubbles, Matrinarc also used to pull the abortion card. There were four of us and she would pick and choose which one was “supposed to” have been aborted, depending on who was painted black that day. My parents would also tell me I was adopted. Charming, innit. xx

          2. WiserNow says:

            SMH,
            I’m sorry you grew up having to hear those things from someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally. It’s just heartless and terrible, especially when it comes from your own mother.

            Well SMH, you are always welcome here, and I happen to think you have gifts of experience, understanding and empathy that are valuable when shared with others 🙂 ❤

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Bubbles
            Grrrrrrrrrr. Perhaps you should remind her of that every time you give her a gift or a card. That she’s only getiing it because ……

            But you won’t, because you’re lovely and would never stoop to her level. Well let me just say that I am very glad people take holiday. We are all better off for knowing you.

            NA

          4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear SMH,
            I’m so sorry to hear that SMH
            My mum did the same to my brother …. told him he was adopted, especially when he was playing up …..she’d say, they mixed the babies up in the hospital and she got the bad one ….or they accidentally dropped him on his head
            Right lovely eh
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          5. WiserNow says:

            Dear Bubbles,

            I can understand everything you’re saying and the damage and fall-out of narcissistic parenting seems to be continual mental health problems.

            Well done to you and Mr Bubbles for making a deep conscious decision to have children and for agreeing about your long-term commitment towards parenting. That sounds so loving and it’s beautiful. Your children are very lucky to have you. But then, it’s not due to ‘luck’, it’s due to experience, knowledge and a conscious effort to avoid the difficult things you grew up having to deal with. Both you and Mr Bubbles were very insightful to understand all of those things before the internet and all the currently available information about mental health etc.

            I think there is a bit of luck or fate involved with your situation, though, and that is that you met Mr Bubbles, who sounds like a very compatible and supportive match for you. You and Mr Bubbles sound like a very loving, caring and formidable team who work well together. Good for you! 🙂 ❤😘

            Thank you for sharing this comment with us Bubbles xx

          6. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear NarcAngel and WiserNow,
            Thank you both, beautiful ones, for your lovely kind words….I’m overwhelmed with warmth n fuzziness 😊

            We raised our kids the “old fashioned way” ….. none of this technology … 😱…(they were lucky to have their own watch in high school) haha
            Family trips, reading bed time stories, playing board games together, playing outside til dark getting muddy n dirty, eating home cooked meals and sitting around the dinner table “every” night …..all of us talking!
            We think we did ok

            NarcAngel…. it’s Easter, my mum’s birthday and Mother’s Day soon, yes, we will spoil her….. three cards …. haha …homemade cake, chocolate, pressies, as well as 🥂🍾
            🤣
            Wiser Now… yes, you’re right, it was definitely kismet with Mr Bubbles n myself …. we also both had narcissistic parents, so, I guess we were destined to be and hopefully, get it right
            Being married is not easy, having kids is even harder, finding that balance is the secret …. by jove, I think we did 😂
            Life’s too short not to be happy ….. no more narc dramas !
            Thank you again you gorgeous ladies
            Hugs to you both
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. Mercy says:

      Mermaid, I do not agree with your opinion but I am not going to “crucify” you for it because I can see that a person who hasn’t had love from a parent or felt love towards a child could have this same opinion. I do feel real maternal love toward my children and there is nothing selfish about it.

      1. marinathemermaid3 says:

        I feel love for everyone. Every child, person, and animal that I come across.
        And yes my mommy and daddy loved me very much!

        1. Mercy says:

          Mermaid, That’s good to hear! I feel compassion for everyone as well. Except maybe the ex narc. I don’t have much for him.

          1. marinathemermaid3 says:

            Hey Mercy. The fact that you love your children is good good good. I’m sorry to have suggested otherwise.

          2. Mercy says:

            Mermaid, your original comment started a good discussion. No need to apologize because we have different opinions. I was just trying to point out that not all people reproduce for the reasons you stated above.

      2. FYC says:

        Hi Mercy, I wanted to add a thought to your comment. I think people have kids for all kinds of reasons (and some for no reason). I’m all for kids if a person has the time and resources available to commit to the child in a healthy way. If not, I hope the child finds an alternate source of healthy love.

        1. Mercy says:

          FYC, I agree. Having kids is a choice that comes with responsibility. I don’t think the choice to have kids or not have kids is selfish either way. What is right for one person may not be what’s right for another. I do sympathize with women that have to deal with unwanted comments about their choice not to have children. Women that stay true to themselves should be respected, not criticized

    3. mommypino says:

      Marina I disagree with you but I don’t want to crucify you. I think that respect for other people’s choices should go both ways. If people chose to have kids then respect that. If people chose not to, respect that as well. None of us are in a position to tell anyone what is best for them. My husband was about 61 when I got pregnant with our first born and I went through all kinds of shit from opinionated people who thought that their opinions have any value in my life and how I want to live it. Now we have two beautiful kids who are happy, smart, healthy and doesn’t care whatsoever about their dad’s age. They just know that they are loved and happy.

      1. WhoCares says:

        mommypino,

        I haven’t thoroughly read all the commentary on having children or not having children. But I wanted to commend you for sharing your particular experience because it takes a lot of strength of character to stand up against societal expectations and to basically say f*ck off; this is what works for me. (That goes for anyone; the pressure to have children or not to.)

        It because there is so much emotion around the subject of children that narcissists are able to use this to their advantage. I think I’m probably in the grey area; where I likely would not have had children were it not for meeting my particular narcissist – so I identify with those who don’t wish for children and don’t feel compelled to reproduce; but of course, I see the other side as well, everyday when I watch my son growing…or he shares some thoughts and observations on life or his learning – or watching his unimpeded enthusiasm for his particular passions. It brings me joy seeing him become his own person.

        It is such a personal decision,  one way or another, that no one can truly decide for another person and shouldn’t be allowed to judge another’s choices.

        I never understood the stories of others telling me of the delights or demands of having a child – until I had one myself.

        One thing I can honestly say that is if I had had a crystal ball and could see into the future that my son’s father was a narcissist and that ultimately I’d be parenting alone (or admittedly co-parenting with someone who undermines the process) I would not have had a child. I don’t want a medal for my struggles but I want to own up to it – if that helps others see things more clearly for themselves.

        1. mommypino says:

          Thank you WhoCares. Very well said. And I totally respect other’s opinions on why certain people shouldn’t have kids or should have kids. It’s just that some people take it to another level and actually tell people what they should do. I had at least four people that I remember who didn’t have any reservations telling me and my husband through their reactions that they disapprove of my pregnancy. One of them is a couple, very much into their church and was trying to get us to go back to my husband’s church. I al most didn’t want to try my hisband’s church because I thought that the people there would be like them. But now I know that they are not. I wonder if those were mid-rangers. I have always wanted to have kids. A lot of it is I would admit for selfish reasons such as having more family and legacy. But I also want to share everything that I have and help shape good people who will be good members of society. I think that it isn’t bad to have some narcissistic or selfish motives because that’s what every relationship should be anyways, we’re also supposed to get something from it not just always be the one to give.

          1. WhoCares says:

            Exactly mommypino – the problem is the guilt-tripping caused by people over-stepping their boundaries in judging anothers choice or situation – especially with regard to having children or not. As long as the children don’t suffer unnecessarily (we cannot control everything) from the choices that the parent makes!

            (That couple sounds very controlling; glad you found a church that works for you.)

  16. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest H.G. It is amazing how simple some people`a lives seem. Haven’t they lived worlds upon worlds? Looked over the mountain side? I enjoy hearing about you and someone not too involved in your secret life. It is sort of a breather. Like recess, in elementary school.

  17. Bibi says:

    “If only I could figure out some way to plug the hole in my bowl, maybe then I might just be tempted to share.”

    This is such pathos here. Well done.

    I have a very strong, supportive, empathic friend. I’ll just share what he does. Always encouraging, never envious or resentful. He laughs at my mood swings and whenever I get down on myself he reminds me of my talents. He continually tells me playfully that I am a ‘mess’ but he does not judge me for it. We actually laugh about it.

    As example, I was having a very bad day this past Weds. I called him up crying and he listened. Then I went on a minute long rant about the Mid Ranger and how I knew he was Tweeting about some celebrity gossip (the details don’t matter) and then I went on to bitch about how he cared more about this shit than he ever did about me, and fuck him, blah blah blah. (Bad days will often make me think of him and how ‘happy’ he is.)

    My friend merely listened and laughed at the end. Then he said, ‘You know what you’re really good at Bibi?”

    Wherein I responded, ‘What?’

    ‘Letting things go,’ he replied.

    Then he laughed and I laughed and he got me to see how absurd I was being without lecturing me, or making me feel guilty or shamed for venting.

    Occasionally he will bitch to me about something and then he will later apologize with, ‘Sorry to be so negative.’

    I reassure him he never need apologize. That’s what friends are for.

    You have many gifts, HG. I admire you for your tenacity and work ethic and insights. Not for any fancy car or job. Those can be lost. But your good traits will always be yours.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  18. Sniglet says:

    This story describes an avaricious person. I’m not judging, it is just the first word that comes to mind.

  19. Caron says:

    You don’t have to have children. No one should be telling you that you should or shouldn’t breed. Having children is one of the programs. Your inner circle friend is on the programs and is confused to have run into a deviation. Having children is not bad or wrong, but it isn’t required–except by the programs.

    Two ways you can go here with your friend. Either you give him the validation he needs to be comfortable in his own skin and with the choices he has made by drawing him out about his experiences and admire what he has and has done, or you continue to feed into his belief that you are this “big man on campus” so that he will continue to question and doubt his own choices while subtly envying yours.

  20. marinathemermaid3 says:

    H.G. I have even more admiration for you for not reproducing! I know I will be crucified for my opinion, but I think everyone should stop breeding! There are way too many people on this earth already, just as there are homeless animals.

    1. SMH says:

      I totally agree, Marinathemermaid3. I did have one but when they were wheeling me out of the delivery room, the nurses said see you next time, and I said there won’t be a next time. And there wasn’t. The world is way overpopulated as it is.

      1. WiserNow says:

        MarinaM3 and SMH,

        I totally agree, yet when you want to bring up the subject of population control or birth control, it’s a taboo subject that people generally don’t want to address. It’s like, “how dare anyone restrict a person’s natural right to have children!!?!”.

        What about the child’s right to live in a healthy environment and social conditions, with adequate future prospects? And the people already living to have a good life without their living conditions degenerating due to over-crowding and poverty etc.

        It amazes me that when you see people in war-torn third-world countries or in countries with frequent famines where there isn’t even food and water, let alone adequate housing, medicine, education or future prospects, and the families there have four, five, six or more children. I see that as extremely unfair for the children being born into those conditions.

        I’m going to stop there because I’m wading out into controversial waters…🌊

        1. marinathemermaid3 says:

          Right there with ya, Wiser now.

          1. WiserNow says:

            Thank you MarinaM3.

        2. SMH says:

          There is an explanation for that, WiserNow. People in rural areas in developing countries and poorer people in general tend to have more children because 1) some of those children will die; 2) they need the labour or income addition for family support; 3) there is no such thing as social security or a pension in old age so children have to support their parents. As countries and individuals become wealthier, the birthrate drops. Spreading the wealth in general helps with overpopulation.

          When the birthrate drops and the population stops reproducing itself, countries need immigration so that the younger generation can support the older one through taxes etc, which is one reason why anti-immigration policies are so misguided.

        3. NarcAngel says:

          I’ll assume we are speaking of where there is choice? We have to remember that in in a lot of poor rural areas or countries women have no rights. They cannot decline sex. Often the children are born of rape but the mothers love them all the same.

          1. WiserNow says:

            SMH and NarcAngel,
            It’s a very complex subject and I’m no expert on it. My comment was an observation and not really a judgement of people in those situations. I think you’re both right and the aspects you mention are part of the bigger picture. I also think dire poverty, corrupt and/or dictatorial governments, the oppression of women, lack of widespread education and social misinformation all add to it too. In many societies, there are entrenched social customs regarding marriage and having children too.

          2. SMH says:

            Yep, WiserNow. It’s a complicated topic but the trend is towards lower birthrates, which can only be a good thing for the planet.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.