Does the Narcissist Think About the Disengaged IPPS?


I know that when I have disengaged from you that you will think of me more than anything else. This is all by design – be it instinctive (Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist) or calculated (Greater Narcissist).

Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome because invariably you do not know who has actually disengaged from you.

I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply an Initial Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrap  heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.

One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? Do I ever feature in his thoughts? Does he think about what I am doing? Does he recall the good times?  You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony –  of course this is being driven by your emotional thinking which is wanting to feed your addiction to me.

You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did we actually make love to one another? Did I really love you? You know you loved me, indeed you still do, but what of me?

Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Your truth seeking empathic trait is being seized on and corrupted by your emotional thinking. It drives you to want answers and you are left believing that such a driver is logical and should be addressed. It keeps the thought of me in your head, going round and round, question after question, ensuring that your emotional thinking is alive and surging.

Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether I am thinking about you in a similar fashion?

While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. You have been deleted because you failed me (at least in my mind that is the case) and therefore you have erased from the record. The narcissism demands that. You are of no use to me and therefore you are erased, deleted, removed and wiped away.

Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of supply dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the tea contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss. The narcissism demands that must be the case – your replacement governs our thoughts and actions now and therefore there is no need to be reminded of you, that is redundant and as effective and efficient machines, we reject the redundant, jettison the unnecessary and remove the failed.

I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. I do not remember you as I smell it, not the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy. We must not waste anything and thus the instinctive impact of our narcissism ensures you are not thought of.

When we have disengaged from you and we have done so because we have a new Intimate Partner Primary Source we do not think about you. If you enter our spheres of influence by messaging us, ringing us, walking by us or even coming to see us, you can expect at best a cold and polite short moment of recognition before we move on and at worst a malign response to send you away in hurt and pain. You failed us – we no longer want or need you. You have been replaced and therefore you are stricken from our thoughts and should you ever invade our sphere of influences in another way, we maintain this rejection of you.

However, once the new IPPS enters devaluation (and this person will – that is a guarantee – it is just a question of time) well, then you become useful to us once again and our narcissism alters the record once again. This time you will be remembered, although if truth be told you ought to prefer that you remain cast into obscurity because in all likelihood we will be coming back for you in some form of other to draw again on our investment, to seize our property once again but solely for our benefit.


16 thoughts on “Does the Narcissist Think About the Disengaged IPPS?

  1. Shannon says:

    Hg, would a mid range narc’s fiancé be his IPPS or IPSS?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  2. Tizzzi says:

    Ok, so…i met my ex few hours ago.he went to my workplace (his ex workplace) to take some document… he entered my office and went ro my coo desk who called him for these docs… he stayed few minutes. He was cold. I was detached. Nothing happened. He left 1 year ago…he sent me a message, i never replied…he never tried again. Done. Today it was like…i don’t know…for few minutes i thought “ops, it’s an hoovering trigger”…but no hooverinig happened. And tomorrow he will forget he saw me…maybe also now he has just forget…maybe also 1 second after he saw me, he forget….and i feel sad. No affection. Nothing. NOTHING. It’s very very sad.

  3. Student says:

    Oh, HG, it all sounds so easy for the narc. Again my question I still don‘t understand after years: why isn‘t he happy or at least content? Where is his suffering?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is not happy because we are not equipped to be happy. Contentment is very hard for narcissists to achieve owing to the ever present need for fuel and the nearness of the chasm of oblivion.

  4. Caron says:

    This is deadness. Inner deadness. How do you suffer it? Oh, I guess the dead don’t suffer.

    Narcissism is not intrinsically wrong. It is a stage of growth. A reaction to repeated trauma. Something caused post birth–something that can be healed. We are all dead before we have the saving event. We all do terrible things to one another before life enters us. Don’t stay there.

    The things that were done to you in your childhood were done so that evil would find a portal into the world through you. It wasn’t about your parents, or about you. Here we are one step out of hell, but it is still better than hell, which is why they want to come here through us.

    I tried so hard to get my narc to live in a different story than the narcissist/victim story. He chose this road, to delete me. I was already in Christ before he came along, though, and the story I am in is God’s story, and I am used to mark people, so my narc has been marked. For what I don’t know, but I know that God will get justice for me. If my narc ends up in Hell, I will, if God permits such things, go and get him and bring him out. I cannot be with him now, I cannot tolerate the abuse any further, but I don’t want that beautiful soul suffering eternally in hell. In truth, he is already in hell, but the body protects him from knowing this. Perhaps I should be angry and hate him for what he did, but that is not my nature. I understand that sin and harm is the nature of this place, and none are immune. I will follow Jesus’ example and disallow for bitterness and resentment against the one who sought to slay me. He is just running a program. He is still dead. Though I have not had victory over the programs driving him now, I am not limited to this life in the flesh, and I know who wins the war in the end.

    When God looks at us, he doesn’t see us up to now, or this minute, he sees us whole. That means from before the foundations of the earth and up into eternity. Not just that, but all of the parallels as well. So hope remains.

  5. Spain says:

    Why after the disengagement the Narc returns to look for his ex if he can look for a new source? I know that is because of fuel. But is better for the narc to look for a new IPSS that si fresh fuel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. The concept of ownership, you belong to us.
      2. Assuming the appliance is a Former IPPS, then re-engagement occurs as the FIPPS provides the most potent fuel.
      3. Instinctively we know how to manipulate you, so it is easier to return.
      4. Your ET means that you will be easier to ensnare than a fresh victim.

  6. kel says:

    Your facade confuses me, is any part of it real?

    You say your Real Self is a craven creature. You don’t want it to get out. If your RS got out, you would cease to exist.

    You can’t coexist with your real self. But beneath the facade is a river of molten fury and a void. But you’re “happy” as a narcissist, living life to the fullest, not caring the consequences, you’re efficient and doing well.

    Why can’t you evolve your Real Self into your false self? Why does your RS have to remain an issue? Is it just that you never developed your original self, and that you lack empathy even for yourself?

    HG, is a narcissist’s real self just the person who’s pretending? The fake self is the charming one who’s got the Mercedes, big job, big house, who impresses even his own real self?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will understand more about this when The Creature is released.

      1. kel says:

        Thank you, any rough idea when The Creature will be available?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No at present, Kel.

  7. mai51 says:

    Thank you for this timely article HG…..I’ve been thinking about my ex- narc lately….. obviously reading your wonderful blog will always trigger some thoughts, but this post is a good reminder why I need to return to the logical thinking vs the emotional.

    Also, a big thank you to my fellow victims/survivors…. your comments and shared stories also keep me sane 🙂

  8. WhoCares says:

    Thank-you for this perspective HG; it really is a reality check.

    Does the narcissist who’s IPPS escaped him (before he had firmly secured a new IPPS) and then exposed him feel – or *not* feel, such as the case, similarly as described above?


  9. Manuel Simon Rodriguez says:

    you hit the bullseye again.
    To the question . When do you see your child playing with the toys that I buy? do not remember me He told me I only see my son playing.
    he told me . My house does not talk about you.
    I smell your colony on the street when a woman who uses it passes by.
    I do not see you anywhere in my apartment.
    After a year without speaking, call her. the answer was …
    I was watching a movie on TV and you bothered me.
    etc etc etc …………
    thanks to you HG , the cognitive dissonance has disappeared.

    I know what it is, and I act accordingly.

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