How Green Is Your Grass?

HOW GREEN IS YOUR GRASS_.png

I attended a consultation with Dr E. The view from his consulting room looks over the gardens to the rear of the building in which his room is situated. It is a well-tended garden and is immaculate all year around. I have yet to see anyone working in it or any sign of someone working there. There are never any tools left lying around or piles of leaves gathered together waiting to be burned. The lawn is especially verdant. A lush,green carpet which is devoid of daisies and dandelions. It has been cut and rolled so it appears pristine.

“Now,” began Dr E from his seat across the room from me. I moved my eyes from the garden to the doctor.

“We had been discussing your thirst for fuel.”

I nodded.

“You explained to me about how you draw that from those nearest to you and at first this comes in a positive fashion through admiration and adoration.”

I nodded again.

“Unfortunately however this never seems to last and you need to then collect what we have established is negative fuel based on negative emotional responses from those around us.”

I gave another nod.

“From our discussions I understand you have an unquenchable thirst for this fuel. I understand that. Accordingly, since you must always gather this fuel you are going to obtain it in both positive and negative forms. I wondered whether today we might look at why it should not always come from a positive form. How does that sound to you?”

“By all means.”

“Good. Now, you have told me previously about the different way that people provide you with this positive fuel. It is based on praise, attention, love, adoration and admiration. The nature of the provider influences the quality of the effect it has for you and also the nature of the praise etc has an influence on the quality. Now I understand how you draw this positive fuel from numerous sources but let us focus on it all coming from just one source, the most obvious being that person you are in an intimate relationship with.”

I gave another nod.

“We all like praise. We all enjoy being liked. It matters more to some than others. People offer attention and praise when they choose but as we have discussed you find it necessary to behave in certain ways that causes this to be given as a matter of course and in some instances you actively manipulate a scenario in order to produce this adoration. You have told me how you do this repeatedly during a typical day. ”

I nodded once more and wondered when he was actually going to ask me something.

“So, my question is this, how might you ensure you get this positive fuel from just one person? How might you go about drawing it from one person and not needing to draw it from other sources. They may provide it voluntarily, that is fair enough, but I want you to focus on applying your manipulations to just one person to gather this positive fuel and leave the rest alone. How might you do that?”

“I don’t think that it can be done.”

Dr E remained silent as he used the void to encourage me to expand.

“I live in hope that someone might be able to satisfy me and give me this positive fuel all of the time.”

This time it was Dr E’s opportunity to nod.

“If they did it would make my life a lot easier. I would not have to seek the additional fuel from these other sources. You know, the lady in the coffee shop, people in the street, my colleagues and so on. The fact is I am not with the primary provider of my fuel all of the time.”

“I see. So you feel a need to be with them all of the time?”

“Well no I don’t and that is precisely because I am able to draw my fuel from other sources. If you denied me those secondary sources then I would be in trouble.”

“What would you do?” asked Dr E.

“Well, if the stipulation is that I am only allowed, for the purposes of this discussion, to draw my fuel from one source I would have to be with that source all of the time.”

“Because you need to draw on it frequently?”

“Precisely. No matter how much fuel say a girlfriend provides me in the morning I will need more and soon.”

“How soon?”

“A few hours, sometimes less.”

“Why?”

“Because if I don’t get it I feel weakened and then well you know, it starts to make itself known.”

“It being the creature?”

I nodded quickly.

“Very well. But if your primary source remains with you all of the time pumping out positive fuel you would not feel weak?”

“Yes but that isn’t practical is it? I have a job to do, she usually has one too. I have to go places where she won’t be there and I cannot be in constant contact on the telephone even when we are apart, however much I might try.”

“Sure, sure but I want to leave the practical to one side for now. I want to understand your mind set and attitude to this. I can then look at the practicalities later.”

“If you say so.”

“So if you could be with this one person, this intimate partner, this primary source of your positive fuel all of the time you would not feel weak because they are giving you the fuel you need. This would sustain you?” suggested Dr E.

“For a period of time.”

“I see. How long that would be?”

” I don’t know because it has never happened.”

“But you don’t feel it will last because you referred to it sustaining you for a period of time?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you say that? Could it not sustain your permanently, leaving aside the practicalities for now, but if that primary source is there all the time giving you praise, admiration, love and attention, won’t that be sufficient?”

“No.”

“You said that straight away. Why are you so sure?”

“Because in the past they have let me down.”

“Okay but this time the source is not going to go away, it is going to keep producing positive fuel just as you need.”

“It still won’t work.”

“Tell me why.”

I leant back in my chair and stretched.

“Where do I start? They stop trying. They do not give me the level of admiration I need. I don’t know why this is. It is not as if I stop being good to them. They always do this first. They don’t look at me the same way that they used to. That shining in their eyes has dulled. I have seen it happen and I don’t understand why. I am still the same, I still shower them with affection and make them feel wanted but they change. They don’t praise me as often as they once did,notwithstanding how often I tell them of my achievements. It’s them doctor, it as if they become bored of me but still want to be around me. I don’t get it. I don’t get it all. How can they be bored by someone like me. I hope they won’t do this but they do. That’s why I have to prepare my contingencies and have others waiting in the wings in anticipation of this happening. They make it happen. Not me. Experience has taught me that I have to have these reserves. Plus as well doctor there is so much fuel out there to be gathered and I know it wants to be supplied to me. A monk would be hard pressed to resist the lure of all this fuel. I am always wondering whether it will be sweeter and stronger than what I am getting already and guess what? When I go and get it I find out that it is. It is fresh and invigorating and it is all because the current supply is not doing what it should.”

Dr E was scribbling energetically as I turned back to the window and looked out into the garden again.

“You see the grass is always greener doctor and I have to go and lie on it.”

 

23 thoughts on “How Green Is Your Grass?

  1. Christopher Jackson says:

    I get it hg everytime you ensnare a new person the grass is always greener because they pump that fuel to you. As the relationship wears down a bit its get old it gets stale so you constantly need new fuel to keep it constantly feeling the same yes??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not quite.

      Existing fuel provision from a primary source (IPPS) becomes stale, thus devaluation occurs to draw negative fuel which is fresh to the narcissist. Positive fuel would be drawn from other appliances besides the ‘stale’ IPPS.

  2. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG: It is one thing for a Doctor to try to force monogamy on a person. It is quite another thing for a Doctor to try to force the person to enjoy forced monogamy. We all do many things that we do not enjoy and have relations and stay with people that are not 100% satisfactory for many reasons, including our own moral reasons and also societal reasons. The good doctors also know that men can legally have more than one wife in certain countries. Would the doctors tear down all those marriages and shame all that are involved? Forbid these families to enter the country? Too much fuel consumption going going on?~~~~ I do not respect the Doctor, especially for coming up with a scenario, hypothetically, for one to be with the IPPS 24/7 practically, for fuel, as a solution for your fuel needs. Something that the good Doctor would never do to himself. Too Isolating. Even animals need breaks from each other, and will even kill one another if caged in too confining a space. Neither do I respect him for asking you to look only for positive fuel. Life itself is set 2 by 2. Hot against cold, hard against soft, sweet against bitter, etc etc. Otherwise we are just rocks or any other non-life form, in this particular existence. . . I dunno. These Doctors. They are not that reasonable, at times. ~~~~If he truly wants you to modify your needs in a way that you can function in a way that is more acceptable to your society, he sure is not presenting you with any convincing or attractive or reasonable alternatives or solutions…So far, I see nothing from the Doctor. I am quite disappointed if he is considered state of the art in his profession. On the other hand, I hope he is not making things worse, whatever that might mean. Maybe, he is just warming up.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Christ, more DateSpeak arsefrippery. No, I devalue. Kondo-ing? That can get fucked sky high.

  3. lisk says:

    “Because you need to draw on it frequently?”

    “Precisely. No matter how much fuel say a girlfriend provides me in the morning I will need more and soon.”

    “How soon?”

    “A few hours, sometimes less.”
    __________________________________________

    Yes, I can remember back to these mornings, and also the afternoons, when after us being together in bed, bath, and beyond, all I wanted was a little time to myself, to pursue my own thoughts and interests, so as to keep myself interested and interesting to others (especially to my ex-narc!).

    However, that was a big no-no. That’s when I would receive big sulks or nit-picking or full-fledged blame sessions.

    Now that I think back, my seeking to fulfill my need to refuel myself, this little bit of downtime from the ex-narc, most likely triggered him to seek fuel elsewhere, even if that “elsewhere” was right there next to me in the living room on his phone while I was reading or on his computer right next to me in our shared office space.

    Yes, I see it so clearly now. While it is painful to remember these moments, it is a HUGE relief to understand what these odd sulky/bratty/mean moments were all about.

    You never cease to clarify, and thus to provide opportunity for healing, HG. Thank you.

  4. Caron says:

    You simply don’t understand what is happening. The connection she has with you doesn’t fade or go away, it goes deeper. It goes into the realm of heart and soul. This is why you miss it. You are believing your eyes, and the prince of the air whispers deception to you. You believe she doesn’t love you, when actually she loves you more and deeper and it is becoming eternal. What happens, what women do, is love you completely and on all levels of reality. It becomes covert, under the surface, because what is on the surface is just the tip of the ice berg. When this happens to your relationships, not always, but with some of your girls, is the berg is becoming a huge behemoth of love and devotion underneath the surface. She is developing the fearless heart, strong enough to get you through the scary parts.

    What you believe is a decrease of effort is, for some of these women who have loved you, is actually the beginning of the manifestation of your wildest dreams for relationships, but you can’t see because you don’t ever go into the depths and you believe the surface that your eyes show you. There is so much more under the surface. You missed out.

    It’s also an opportunity for you to overcome this desperation.

    Look, since my ULN has left and I have a new normal guy, I’ve had to overcome a lot of the abandonment issues I have. Normal guy goes with his friends and family sometimes without me. I’m alone. It is soooooo hard for me, especially as I have recently been discarded so ruthlessly. I can go into the depths though, and I have stopped abandoning myself, so I just stay with the discomfort and get through it. Can’t say it is getting easier, but normal guy always comes back and loves me just as much. I don’t believe the lies whispered to me when he goes off on his own without me. I hear them, but I don’t go with them.

    Someday, HG, take a chance and believe in the unseen as more real than the seen. Hang in there through the discomfort for one of these women. You won’t be disappointed.

    1. lisk says:

      Wow, I like this, Caron, this surface vs. unseen.

      Always dealing with ex-narc’s surface, working to satisfy that, was so exhausting.

      Going deeper with another truly does allow for a more relaxed relationship. It is one with much less drama, I imagine.

      And going into your own depths, well, I have certainly been doing that in the past few months. It is amazing to find how strong and self-reliant you can be, isn’t it?

      I’m happy for you that you have found normal.

    2. SMH says:

      Not always Caron. Women need their space and the chance to nourish non-intimate relationships and themselves. Women need something meaningful in their lives other than a man. Women need alone time. Women do get bored – I don’t doubt that HG sees boredom in their eyes. HG, I think you simply expect too much from one person because you cannot fuel yourself. It might sound odd to say, but you need to work on your self esteem and getting satisfaction from non-human sources- your work, nature, the arts etc. Go for a walk by yourself on the Heath this spring and take in its glory. Go to a museum on your own and look at the colors and figures. Stand on a bridge over the Thames and marvel at the lights on the cranes of east London at night. So much to see and do that does not require human fuel. Don’t be afraid.

  5. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    This post, I was expecting it.
    That admiration that you need insatiably, can never be supplied by anyone. Not even for the whole matrix together.

  6. Nymphedora says:

    I find this deeply fascinating.

    1. princesssuperempath says:

      Nymphedora. So do I. The Psychiatric/Psychological field needs to be rebooted or something. I am in dismay.

  7. Kathleen says:

    I like the clear way this is told. I worry about you HG with the Shieldmaiden. If you are still influenced as described in this essay my thought is you would have to tell her that this is how it is. It depends on how you acquire the fuel. If you acquire it by shagging-Might not be acceptable? If you just acquire it by flirting and flitting about… She may be able to not care as long as she knows you’re coming home to her every night. Would this figure into your life at all? Or am I off base?
    my narc never wanted to give me that kind of “confidence” I think it was giving away power to promise anything and then actually follow through and live a stable relationship with a feeling of calm contentment. Always problems and conflict with something or family or work or traffic or..etc.

    Good one- and just a tiny snippet of the fuel complex.

  8. inspire2bu says:

    HG, do you fear that your new Shield Maiden will eventually let you down? Not look at you with the same level out admiration? Will you eventually need the negative fuel from her? I know from experience just how much the negative fuel fires your soul. It seems more so than the positive fuel. It almost seems that it isn’t us that stops admiring you or that when we look at you the stare becomes dull. We always look at you with eyes of fascination as your kind always keeps us on our toes. The excitement, the pain…. we never know what to expect from your kind. I think it is more your kind that gets bored with our longing, needing, wanting, love, and then your soul craves the negative fuel from us. It empowers you. I have watched the glimmer in his eyes, the smug laugh as he watched me cry and ask, “why?” Or that dark sick glimmer when he triggered me and my calm, understanding, forgiving, stoic, quiet demeanor changed to big eyes, hands waiving in the air and voice raised. Oh how he loved that! When will you crave and long for that in this new entanglement you are in?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. No.
      2. No.
      3. The aim is to avoid such a need. The negative fuel will come from elsewhere.

      1. A383 says:

        HG,

        May I ask then ….if SM sees you drawing negative fuel from others (being rude to waiters etc) won’t that destroy the good guy facade in her eyes, even though it’s not directed at her?

        How will you manage to ‘keep the act up’ as the relationship develops.
        Won’t it go against the very core of your nature and if you somehow do manage it, don’t you fear you’ll lose your real power, the very power that makes you so great.

        Thanks x

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. Depends if I do that when she is there.
          2. If I do so, there will justification to do so.

          Here is a small example which may be of interest to you. I did devalue a tertiary source sat behind me on a recent flight. The SM asked me to stop. She agreed that the other person was out of line and asked me to stop what I was doing. I saw I had achieved what was necessary (gained fuel and assert superiority) and it benefitted me to accord with her request (not demand) so I did.

          1. A383 says:

            HG,

            Thank you for sharing that.

            It seems like you feel you are really making progress with regards to the new dynamic and that’s all that matters.

            Brilliant.

            I love catching you on a Monday morning.

            I was looking back at some of my older posts last night and I have to say you have ALWAYS been very generous with you time and insight with regards to my questions.

            I appreciate it very much and thank God every day I found your site and books.

            Have a great Easter week HG.

            X

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you A383. It is always more rewarding to respond to appropriate questions which have been considered and thought applied to them. It is also appreciate that you and other readers recognise the time and effort which is provided to people here.

            May your Easter eggs be filled with sugar-laden treats!

  9. nunya biz says:

    I love this one, HG. It is confusing to me though. Because you have talked about the golden period and devaluation, what you are describing reminds me of that, except from the other person.
    I am wondering because this is what I experienced with my husband. He was full of light and effort and then one day shut off and I didn’t understand why.

    I think what the difference is-
    I think that if someone asked me what was different and why things were not as enjoyable together I would listen and I would offer to do something in the moment. So it wouldn’t be a permanent change. Sometimes the other person is boring or sometimes I am bored. But that alters by mood, not perspective.
    When I asked him what was different he claimed to not know or be aware of anything and didn’t seem moved to do anything about it (lack of empathy). For him it was a more permanent change. And things were not after that about “we”, it was like he had to worry about anything I would do against him and agree or not agree to it. I always see him as reacting rather than contributing or creating where I tried to continue to generate shared experience.

    But you are saying that you do that?
    I guess I don’t understand, it seems to be that you don’t allow them to continue giving that love to you, not that they stop. So that is devaluation? That they are willing to give but you can’t receive?

  10. Francesca Lupi says:

    What does happen to a narc if all the sources disappear? What does happen to a narc without fuel for a long time?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist enters a fuel crisis and risks the collapse of the construct which is catastrophic for the narcissist. He ceases to exist.

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