I Spy A Private Eye
I have often mentioned the empath’s need to know. Initially this is borne out of your desire to know and to understand for the purpose of enabling you to discharge your caring and nurturing abilities. Only by understanding and knowing what is wrong, what is going through someone’s mind or understanding their situation are you able to assist and help. Some people like to know because they are inquisitive. Some people like to know because they are downright nosey. We like to know so we can use it against you or to further our own schemes. You like to know so you can help. This is a core trait of the empathic individual and it is not something that you are ever able to let go. Even when we are subjecting you to the devaluation you are unable to accept that it is happening without being able to understand why. You need to know. We know you need to know and we exploit this. This is why we engage in denial, deflection and circular arguments because we are entirely aware this inability to allow you to know and to understand draws fuel from you but also keeps you doing this. Even when we discard you, you still want to make sense of what has happened. You need and want to know why did we treat in the way we did, why did we do all those awful things to you and why were you not enough? By tapping into this trait of yours we also ensure that you have to know what we are doing once we have flung you to one side.
You will ask our friends what we are doing and pose similar questions to our family in a bid to ascertain what we are now doing without you. You ask your friends to spy on your behalf, gathering information about the places that we have been to and the people we have fraternised with. You see, if you try to escape from us then you cannot get rid of us as we appear with Hoover in hand ready to suck you back. However, if we have decided that we have extracted as much fuel as we possibly can from you (at least for now) we will do our utmost to remain invisible and keep you guessing. We want you wondering what we are doing? We want you to be sat contemplating where we are and who we are with? Are we happy? Are we thinking of you?
This need to know becomes overwhelming and you then embark on your role as private eye. You will stalk our Facebook page in order to gather information. We will block you in order to increase the work for you but you will use a friend’s profile to look or create a false one. You will drive past the places you know we might be, home, work and recreational and social places hoping to catch a glimpse of what we are doing so you can satiate that need to know. You will create a new profile and follow us on Twitter, checking each day to see what we have written. Is there a new girlfriend? What is she like? Are we taking her to the places we took you? Who are these people in the photographs and where are they taken? We know you will be spying and the more you try and learn the more questions will arise. We use obsessing as a method of manipulation and this continues in this mould.
Our everpresence will keep reminding you and you do not help yourself as you repeatedly reinforce our presence in your mind by searching, checking and spying. You will search our name on Google, examine our work website for any changes, check on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn. Like a detective hunting for clues you will keep at it each day. You create a habit in order to feed the addiction which is the need to know. We know you will do this, we engineer and we encourage this behaviour in you. The knowledge that you are engaged in these practices gives us fuel. We cannot see you or hear you yet we know you are spying on us. We know what you are like and we can picture you earnestly hunched over your keyboard as you stare at your monitor. Don’t deny it because when we do Hoover you it is one of the first things we tease from you. How many times a day did you check our Facebook profile? You will admit you did it at least three times a day and tell us how much you missed us. You will ask about the new person we were with and who you saw posts referring to and all the photographs that we displayed. Did we miss you too? You always ask this as well. Why? Because you always need to know.
19 thoughts on “I Spy A Private Eye”
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This is actually a timely article because today I happened to spy on a previous narc (not the Mid Ranger who caused me all the damage but another dope).
This previous narc is a Middle Lesser somatic and I was never involved with him but have watched his trainwrecks from afar. I enjoy trying to learn and examine him as a specimen.
(If I am an appliance then it’s only fair.)
The chick he was with for almost 4 yrs he never married but had a kid with. They broke up and she is now with a new guy and new guy is being photographed with narc’s kid.
I find this amusing. Narc seems to be without an Intimate Primary Source at the moment and on her FB profile she deleted every profile pic of hers that had narc in it. She also removed his family members as friends (you’d think she’d keep some given they have a kid together).
Doesn’t sound like a very good breakup. She is also the type who relationship bounces–she left her ex husband for narc and now left narc for new guy. She doesn’t sound like an empath to me if she is able to bounce into relationship after relationship so quickly. I surely can’t.
Now, narc is over 40 but still uses a 10+ yr old muscled pic of himself. He uses the kid as fuel bait so he appears like a ‘nice, single dad.’
I knew this relationship was going to fail–it was only a matter of when. She seems to have gotten over him very fast and went no contact, but again, that seems like non-empathic behaviour.
It made me feel good to know I was right. I knew I was right about him being a Lesser somatic narc, but knowing the outcome and that he is likely low on fuel and running out of options pleases me.
And shoutout to Mermaid–ditto.
Hello Bibi
Interesting post. We’re learning a lot from HG and hoping that the combined assets of our knowledge and gut instincts will improve over time – however, what you see/read isn’t always what you ‘get’. To truly understand a couple’s dynamic, we would have to live as a fly on the wall (in person) for several months.
Said woman might be clued up and further down the line in regards to narcissistic behaviours and her gut instincts might be very much in tune, hence the appeared ‘flitting’ from one male partner to another.
We, as Empaths, have already proven how easy it is to be duped by such creatures and in a way, we need fuel too (albeit in a sense that’s not harmful to another). There are some of us who dote on a particular person for a long period of time. There are some of us who are constantly, and confusingly clutching at straws to find ‘the one’ in an abyss of darkness, in that notorious game of…
Who Can I Trust?
I think who you choose to ‘hang out’ with has a considerable affect on who you are/become. But it’s only since discovering this site that this domino effect, on basically everyone bar my immediate female family, has occurred in regards to getting rid – one by one. I was always the the loyal, stable, dog who would supply, give and help (and not because I had to, but because that is my nature).
Mr Tudor (hello 👋) says you cannot acquire narcissistic traits if you’re an empath (you can only demonstrate them on the scale, intermittently, depending on what kind of empath you are), but I feel you could possibly, unaware, ‘go along’ with or develop a different way of thinking, if you’re naive or maybe trying to move away from negative thoughts about your own self-loathing due to the awakening of abuse.
Yes, but narcs do this too. A (now ex) female narc friend of mine used to do this way more than I did, and did a much better job too. She would be ‘stalking’ my ex on Facebook of her own accord and then mention things to me about them when we saw eachother in person. Scary, looking back. And one time, when this guy gave me his number in a bar (I only knew his first name), about a week later she sent me screenshots of his fb photo, screenshots that he had a girlfriend, screenshots of his GIRLFRIEND’S photo and Facebook, the lot. Fucking creepy.
Your kind and our kind both do it – for the same reasons, just different agendas.
We also ask questions because we want to see you lie. We want clarity because we want to adjust our own lives . I want to know to see if you continue to lie , when I already know the truth because I heard you say it to someone else . I want to know so I can get my ducks in a row . So , I know when your gone .. so I can make plans for my kids , so they will benefit . When an empath knows her place in the narcs life …she can plan for her betterment. I am patient , unlike a narc. I am calm , and can live in the moment and take care of my health …the ML narc can’t .
Wow hg just explained my mother and fathers marriage…my mother was always trying ascertain what was going on and she never could until he was ready for her to find out …and when she did it was ugly as the monster reared his head out from under the mask…once again good peice hg
Iam glad to some point that the narc is not on social media. I am tho. My need to know as an empath is an instinct and safety trait I was born with. It keeps me safe. I don’t like being a fool and I have a strong intuitive sense that also makes me a good mother. Women have to protect and anticipate future dangers to ourselves so to protect our children Being with an honest and faithful man insures our survival and our children’s survival ….it’s an instinct that’s kept me alive. Narcs of course don’t like this instinct to be used on them. We can adapt this instinct to whatever threat is present. Narcs put me on high alert , which makes me very nervous and uncomfortable.
Molly – seems unusual for a narc.
Mine doesn’t use social media either..
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
Answering your last questions.
1 No, they don’t miss us, because they never had the capacity for bonding and affection. Others in these moments supply a fresher and newer fuel. But they will end up bored of the same thing that happened to us.
2 For the empathic, it is fundamental to know why? in order to have the knowledge of what happened and to understand, but mainly because of a very important thing. To be able to realize the Closing. Without this knowledge, the empath remains in the air. And his need to really know and know is a problem.
If we start to think, what does it matter to know why? Speaking to a sister of mine, she told me that for her this is not of the greatest importance. Things end at the point and she doesn’t think about why, but she doesn’t care at all.
I believe that for the empathic, it is a necessity to know the truth of the facts, as it can be for the narcissist his need for fuel.
This need is also another of the failures of the empath, the need to acquire the answer.
Coldly the answer is simple. looking at people’s behavior. If they tell you that they love you but their behavior is dissonant, the person lies. And therefore, their motivation to be with you is different. Because any relationship is conditioned by something. It’s easy to talk and see things light years from the facts, with the knowledge learned. But you have to remember that the victim is totally hooked like a drug to the narcissist and his ability to think rationally is limited and cut by the manipulations of the narcissist.
It’s a fact I realized. Because my ex narcissist always started relationships with excessively young people? the answer: inexperience, the one that owes him much more advantage, at the time of his manipulation.
By the way, H.G. Tudor.
In my time, I didn’t have internet, much less social networks. But if this had happened in the present times, I would have surely looked. Not applying the wise saying of: EYES THAT DON’T SEE, CORA THAT DOESN’T FEEL!
Eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel!
You don’t suffer for what you don’t know.
More than 2,300 years ago Aristotle said: “One cannot be happy except at the price of a certain ignorance”.
If you don’t see something (or you don’t know something) you don’t suffer because of it: your heart doesn’t feel anything of what happens, because you simply don’t know it.
Sometimes it is better not to tell the whole truth to someone because that way we will avoid a possible suffering that may not be necessary.
And there are other times when, out of cowardice or selfishness, there are things that we prefer not to see so as not to lament: hunger in the world, social injustices, the abuse to which our narcissists subject us?
‘What the eye doesn’t see, the heart can’t bleed over’… an old saying.
I just gotta say that I love all you empaths out there. Kudos!!
What would be some reasons somebody could not discuss their experiences with narcissism openly?
That they did not know they are a narcissist.
That they did not know they were entangled with a narcissist.
That they know they are a narcissist but will not discuss it to avoid a transference of power.
I defin needed to know what I had experienced. HG, you led the way & your help has been priceless- but of course I had to put all your wisdom to my own test and see the results firsthand to complete the deal.
A year now I’ve spent devouring your work and watching, listening, and poking at my MMR in various ways without being vengeful, I’m not angry at him but I do have righteous anger for womankind , AT your kind.
I feel complete now with enough proof to satisfy my own mind that indeed everything you write is highly accurate and applicable to my particular experiences.
I will say as advice, if anyone is going to supernova, or stay and play detective, or anything but total NC- be careful. The damn Mixture got me a few times this year , and if I hadn’t known and trusted HG’s work, I’d have lost myself in the process of finding clarity
Cheers, HG!
You are welcome.
Interesting because I do zero spying. Oh I do need to know why and how this all happened and why he (the narc boyfriend) was so maliciously cruel. So emotionally verbally, and physically abusive. However, I have not ever stalked social media or attempted to spy. I don’t expect the narc-ex to explain his pathology. I just come to HGs site among others to perform the emotional autopsy on my own.
Spying and snooping is an invasion of privacy and totally abhorrent to me. It is my primary no-go boundary. Invading someone’s privacy coveys complete disrespect and regard for a person that you purport to love. Particularly if you are still in the dating phase of the relationship where the stakes are low. If you feel the need to spy on an intimate partner while in the dating phase, that tells you all you need to know. If the impulse to spy is based on your partners suspicious actions -confront them calmly. Have them explain their sketchy behavior. If the explanations don’t add up, go with your gut and get out. 2. Or and examine if your need to spy is based on your own issues with trust due to past abuse or abandonment.
I do not consider checking social media media an invasion of privacy or spying. However I do not engage in it because it’s all phony PR for a narcissistic person or a full blown narcissist anyway-so no point. I am further hurting myself by viewing the narcs ridiculous false propaganda and giving him more fuel at any rate.
The abusive ex-narc of course spied, stalked, snooped- invaded every ounce of my privacy to criminal lengths which began before even our first official date. I even caught him taking candid back photos of me on the sly- hundreds. In every situation. Vile. But I’m just an object right? So no issue at all for the narc.
Plus the UMRN is a very very careful curator of his social media presence. During any disengagement battle the first task on his to do list is to block the supply source from every known social media access channel. He communicates he is doing thus clearly and dismissively. I know the narc ex has a multitude of presences on social media channels (and dating sites) of which I am unaware- but I am not going to dig. I am unsure where that places me on the emotional spectrum. I was never physically raped. However I was emotionally raped nearly to death by all of his manipulation and abuse. I will never be made whole but refuse to ever be victimized by anyone again.
I find this is the other way round for me I really have absolutely no interest at all in what Monarcas doing he’s the one who gets people to spy on me tell him when I say where I am he also gets his friends and my friends to Hoover me either malignant Open nine depending on who the person is I’ve been stalked on Facebook under a false profile with a malignant malignant hoovering I got told to enjoy dieing once This man does not take rejection well and appears to never get over it
The more I read, learn and seek to implement every aspect of taking away every ounce of fuel I provide him, the more I find I need to do. Seems so much is in the details! Seven weeks in, this was still me. This weekend I took to Facebook and blocked all his family members and his girlfriend. It wasn’t because I didn’t want him to ask to see my page. It was for ME. I didn’t want to keep looking for information about him. I did download a few of his most unflattering pictures to remind myself that he really isn’t all that. He says he doesn’t have a Facebook page, but I am guessing it is under an alias that he doesn’t share. It is my goal to stop ALL fuel to him. The day is drawing near that I can get my revenge, but I’m not ready quite yet!