On Your Marks, Get Set, Stay!

How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explaim how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us, some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again. I know that you will stay. Again.

10 thoughts on “On Your Marks, Get Set, Stay!

  1. Sarah Jane says:

    It happened one of the times I was reduced to a teary wreck. Not because of anything that had happened in that moment, but because of my pent up emotional confusion, from (what is now obvious as) the abuse. I was sitting on the sofa and he came over to me, got on his knees and looked up at me with this freakish expression on his face (which can only be described as an actor, trying to get into character). I mean, it worked for me at the time – this is just me looking back. And in doing so (by the way, I have no idea why I’m trying to write posh, coming from a council estate), there’s so many memories that come flooding back from your words of wisdom, Mr Tudor.

    Anyway, as I see it now, his eyes were just as cold and just as dark as they had always been – but with a concentration and purpose to them as if the ‘audition’ meant the world to him. His voice quiet and gentle, like you mentioned…

    “Tell me what’s wrong?”

    I never answered any of his questions and all I remember was how uncomfortable he made me feel, asking them. I had always dreamed of having a genuine, caring man who would protect me and make me feel safe. It’s not the fault of my narc though, it’s the fictional fairytales and bullshit I was subjected to from a young age on TV and in story books. That’s why I love facts so much now.

    I think the trauma of having the wrong kind of attention (as a narc), makes them act out in their minds how they dream of scenarios happening (like empaths do with the knight in shining armour) and that eventually comes out to the forefront of their ‘stage’ and life’s so much barable as a play. They don’t have to feel or live the hurt because it’s someone else, not them. The ‘fuel’ is the closest thing they feel to acceptance and love, because for them, you’re playing their game whether or not WE know why.
    In the parallel sense, the empath is all about reality, because they have a dream, hope, a goal (Prince charming). And the quest to find this truth is taken seriously. It is only when that is shattered and destroyed (by a narc), that we become meshed together. And something else which I can’t think of because I’m tired 😴

  2. Christine says:

    This is where spite can be a good thing. Only if it’s entirely justified, and only if it impels one to correct action. I tore strips off my greater narc boyfriend by laughing at him when he started a similar speech. No one had ever done that to him before. He then left me alone.

    I think he thought that, because I have a drive to help, that applies to romantic relationships too. It doesn’t and never did. I’ve always wanted an equal: Someone who can help me as much as I help him. If I have a savior complex, it’s toward the whole damn world, not toward some jackass who postures about his wounded soul.

    A romantic relationship is a safe place for both parties to rest, recharge, have fun, and maybe build a life together. It’s not a church and I’m no one’s personal Jesus.

    1. foolme1time says:

      Christine, I love your outlook and your strength! Well done! 🍻

    2. Sarah Jane says:

      *Claps, vigorously*

  3. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    First if you are ready and ready to start the exit. Never talk to his narcissist so that he does not deceive you again with his sugary words. Better not to look back, before you turn into a salt statue. Or as Medusa petrifies your movements and attempts to escape.
    No, H.G?
    It would be nice to be able to reflect his manipulations to the narcissist like a jellyfish and to be able to petrify him, like a jellyfish. And then cut off his head, which I say…
    Peace, peace and forgiveness jajajaja.
    It was only a lapse of my vengeful mind. jajajajajaj.
    Mythology makes me delirious.

    1. Sarah Jane says:

      “Go sell crazy elsewhere – we’re all stocked up here”.

      Melvin Udal,
      (As Good As It Gets)

  4. Caron says:

    I stayed and never even once got that speech. Dreamed of it, never got it. The closest I ever got was when I found out he was members in several hook up sites and he asked me not to give up on him.

    His mom never really liked me. She was weak, though. Couldn’t handle the truth. His father knew how much he meant to me and still encouraged him in his cheating.

    His grandparents, though, would light up when I came to see them, and they told me not to let him go. I still go to see their grave.

  5. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Never had this happen to me, thank God.

  6. Christopher Jackson says:

    Yep that’s where I get screwed at the right mannerism and all that then I get sucked right back in…and that’s the vicious cycle

  7. lisk says:

    How apropos for April Fool’s Day!

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