The Relational Tower



I sit up on high in my Relational Tower. I can see so much from this throne.

I look to the north and see the golden and shimmering lines which extend from me to my loyal subjects across the land. I see my supporters, my followers and my coterie going about their daily lives but all the while connected to me. They feel such privilege to be linked to me, their liege and I feed on that sense of privilege and the admiration and that adoration which is entwined around it.

I look to the south and see yet more lines of sparkling gold which link between me and my most devout lieutenants. From my vantage point I can signal to them and they will obey, carrying out my commands, executing my diktats and honouring my instructions. It is a source of great comfort to gaze in their direction and observe their industry on my behalf.

I look to the east and frown at the assembled legions which march towards me. The malcontents, the rejected, the fools and the idiots, all those who have taken up against me and now march in the expectation that they will unseat me. Yet further lines span out from me to these traitors. Dark purple lines, nearly invisible against the glowering firmament, these multitudinous lines which have those transgressors permanently attached to me and through which I pull, twist and yank. They moan, they wail and they lament their fate but there is no hope for any other for these are those who bear the stain of betrayal, the putrid stench of sedition emanates from their shambling frames. Let them come, let them advance towards me and I shall watch them as they break against my tower, like waves against the rocks as they are sent scattering and dissipating into so much spray. I watch them from afar, sometimes commanding my lieutenants to enter the fray to cajole and direct, a myriad of gold and purple shimmering and glinting as the lines combine. From time to time the purple becomes golden as by my most glorious bounty I bestow the wondrous joy upon the select few.

I look to the west and there I see you. You shine with such glory, the golden line between you and I fizzing with effervescence. A thick line which coils about your wrists, torso and throat, sending that precious essence towards me. There are days when that connection will dim to the purple of guilt, the thick line becoming stretched and thinned, but never ever breaking. I watch you as you journey towards me, face upturned, eyes rapturous, hands outstretched as the light burns brighter and those who are less than me would struggle to gaze upon you, but I always will. Though I may turn my face away from you from time to time, my dark eyes will always look for you.

I watch you all as you journey towards me, the supporters, the lieutenants, the outcasts and you. I can see it all from this elevated position as I organise, direct and orchestrate. I know what you want. I know what you all want, each and every one of you.

I am attached to you all, you are bound to me, some tighter than others, some with those chains which bite and burn, others who raise no objection to their silken bondage, but all are bound to me. I made it so. I wanted that. I am connected to so many of you. I have a relationship with each and every one. Our relational proximity varies from stranger to intimate partner, from minion to inner circle friend, from colleague to family member and so on. Relationships. I have them by the hundred and create more each day, reaching out with my tendrils of gold and purple in order to remain exactly where I want to be – at the centre in my tower.

I know why you all head towards me. You want to enter this tower and thus gain admittance to me. You wish to unlock the vast gate and pass through the imposing portal to enable you to climb the winding stone steps, each time passing without hindrance or complication through the many doors and gates which guard my inner sanctum.

I know you want to enter my inner sanctum.

Some of you want to cradle what you find there. Some of you wish to possess what your eyes will rest upon. Some of you wish to claim a portion for yourselves and be forever imbued with its effects. Some of you wish to release what is in this inner sanctum. Some of you wish to understand what lies there. Some of you wish to destroy what is revealed.

Whatever it might be, the hundreds of relationships which I have, no matter how long, how strong and how tightly bound or otherwise these may be all seek to enter my Relational Tower and penetrate the inner sanctum.

This cannot happen.

I made this tower. I built it high. I built the walls deep and thick, constructed from the stones of denial and the slabs of deflection all held in place with the mortar of fuel. I fashioned the thick timbers of the door from projection, the timber bolted together through triangulation and the lock created from a steely gaze and iron resolve. The heavy bar that is set against it arose from the blame-shifting. I have set many traps and pitfalls within this tower in order to prevent anybody reaching the inner sanctum. The stone steps are smeared with vitriol, the walls spiked with character assassination, cauldrons wait to pour their heated fury onto you and cast you in deep pits of despair. The stone is so thick that there is only ever silence here, it as if the very walls are giving you a cold and baleful stare. Everything that I have learned will be used to impede your progress, hamper and hinder you so you may not ever reach that inner sanctum.

I know you all want to go there. I know you want to reach deep inside of me, into my inner sanctum but I must not allow it. I dare not. I cannot admit anybody. Ever.

I built this tower high. I built it thick. I made it impenetrable.

I built it to keep you out.

I built it to keep me in.

We are always connected but so long as I remain in my Relational Tower in such splendid isolation then my inner sanctum remains preserved and so do I.

48 thoughts on “The Relational Tower

  1. nikitalondon says:

    This si sooo amazing: 😃😃😃😃

    I built this tower high. I built it thick. I made it impenetrable.
    I built it to keep you out.
    I built it to keep me in.
    We are always connected but so long as I remain in my Relational Tower in such splendid isolation then my inner sanctum remains preserved and so do I.

  2. Supernova DE says:

    This article is helpful but very depressing. And I say that as a person who also has a very hard time letting people in. But to know that the narc will absolutely never allow this is disheartening, but not surprising.

    I’ve been having a really hard time the past few days. I’m barely fighting off the ET. I’ve had thoughts of texting to say, “I’m sorry” and take all the blame for everything that transpired, trying to get him back. I’ve had thoughts to go to all the places online where you can find narcs lurking to try and replace him.

    I feel like he opened a giant hole inside me, and I can’t fill it back up. I’m trying, over and over and many different ways, but its not working. I don’t know if the hole was there prior to him, I just didn’t recognize it, or if he caused it.

  3. EmP says:

    I am bound!! Yes, I have been ‘bolted on’, attached and I am thankful for it.
    This attachment gives me a sense of pride and security.
    Before knowing HG I had been kept in the dark, ignorant and helpless. Pushed around and fed lie after lie, after lie.
    I am still the same person. I am an empath, with flaws and vulnerabilities, but I now have this powerful, knowledgeable, unique individual mentoring and advising me (and legions of other empaths).
    Thanks to his guidance, we have been granted the opportunity to win a battle which we previously had NO chance of winning, because we didn’t know our enemy, we didn’t know ourselves and we didn’t even know the rules.
    Thanks HG!!!!! Please don’t leave us!!!!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I’m going nowhere team!

      1. Lori says:

        I too have learned much here and enjoy commenting but find myself lately struggling for comments. I think to myself what is there to say ? The man I was involved with was a narc that’s all there is to say. He was a narc and he’s still a narc and there is not one damn thing me or anyone else is going to do about it. It just is what it is. I’m hoping that this is a sign of true acceptance for me.

        1. foolme1time says:

          I hope it is to Lori! Just remember this place is always here and the freedom to comment will also be here for you, if you decide there is something you need to say. 🤗

        2. Supernova DE says:

          I agree, at some point there’s not much left to say. For me it’s just battling down the inner demons that are struggling to understand that I will, indeed, actually survive without his particular brand of bullshit and chaos.
          I’m certainly not at acceptance. I mean I am in that I accept he is a narc and he will not be changed. But my acceptance that I have to GOSO forever is still shaky at times.

      2. foolme1time says:

        You’d better not be! There is still to much for you to do! 🙃

      3. Dearest HG: Please sign me on for: Team Tudor!

    2. lisk says:


      I too am grateful for the opportunity HG has give us to “win the battle,” as you say.

      I found this site three months after I was discarded (for the fourth time!), While there is much looking back in terms of finally getting clarity about what my “relationship” was about, there is NO looking forward to being with Narc Ex.

      GOSO is my mantra. HG and commenters like you guarantee my success and finally being free of Narc chains.

  4. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Another sad one. Great writing!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  5. Narc noob says:

    If any of my relationships seem to be a one way track, that is a red light. Your writings have shown that clearly. When it comes to my business dealings I have a lot more to work on, however awareness is a good start.

    If it’s seemingly all about YOU (the GP) or always about THEM (secondary source or devaluation) then intimacy, fairness and a level playing ground will never be possible.

  6. lisk says:

    You wish to unlock the vast gate and pass through the imposing portal to enable you to climb the winding stone steps, each time passing without hindrance or complication through the many doors and gates which guard my inner sanctum.

    No, not anymore. I no longer want what I cannot have. I no longer want anyone who doesn’t really want me.

    It’s self-abuse for me to bang my head against a tower wall, isn’t it?

    No more self-abuse.

  7. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    Then as the Mother of Rapunzel, the witch Gothel is..
    The narcissistic behavior is so dissonant.
    On the one hand, you want or hope to find someone to keep you alive. But on the other hand, you will lock yourselves in your Tower by isolating yourselves.
    You pretend to be, false “Rapunzel´s with wig”. You remain isolated in your towers, but you want to be rescued, from your majestic tower.
    You try to throw your golden hair from above, so that we try to climb up and do our job.
    But this hair is a fake wig hair. Which have no subjection, because it is detached revealing your emotional baldness.
    And is that an emotional bald, lacks the emotional features that you also know how to imitate.
    You look for isolation, because you don’t like your real image, you cover yourself with kilos of makeup and false exuberant wigs of extra long hair, which you throw from above, but which you cut off or detach from your heads, at the exact moment when we are about to enter through the window. Because your real image would be too unpleasant to be shown and contemplated. Even you yourselves are not prepared to contemplate yourselves, because you do not accept yourselves.
    You prefer to cut or detach your false wig, making us precipitate against the steep rocks on which your imposing construction is placed. This floor is full of our predecessors all corpses, the predecessors who tried previously, but were eliminated before they could see your true face.
    Here is the reality of why? you cannot, nor do you want anyone to enter your sanctuary.
    If we could see the true “Creature” your construction and majestic tower would crumble, collapse and with it you would cease to exist.
    You need the “True Rapunzel” who nourishes you with her hair because if we don’t already know what is going on… Isn’t that so?
    Then as the Mother of Rapunzel, the witch Gothel is…
    This post has reminded me so much of the final scene of this Disney movie that it should be seen to understand the best.
    which seems so masterful to me that I have to share it…


    1. J.G THE ONE says:

      By the way, the scene where Gothel looks at himself in the mirror and sees his image is magisterial… Well, it shows the creature what it is, a broken mind, fragmented, chopped, cut, broken, split, broken, broken and broken
      His death is also masterful, under his clothes nothing. Simply facade.
      A memorable scene the best of the film. For the eyes of an empathic and his understanding.

  8. Sarah Jane says:

    The higher you are, the harder you’ll fall.

  9. foolme1time says:

    I’m so proud and happy for you Nikita! I hope you continue to look forward and never look back! You are everything a narcissist is not! Best to my dear! 😘🥰

    1. nikitalondon says:

      Thanks alot FM1T ! I wish you the same. Life is so beautiful and with the right people and situations is just bliss. Narcissists are really the synonym of of darkness and hopelessness. Lets wish to all the people that are on this blog now and still in the grip of the narcissist, in addition to the awareness they now have, the force to build up their boundaries, the will to change things and not be afraid, the light to see the new way and the realization that its very improbable the narcissist will change and that life besides such a person is a life full of drain, sadness and frustrations. Not a life. 😘😍

      1. foolme1time says:

        Well done Nikita! 👏👏👏😘🥰

        1. nikitalondon says:

          you too!!!! We made it! It feels good to be away from so much bullshit that comes from them.

          1. foolme1time says:

            Yes it does! 😘😘🥰

  10. nikitalondon says:

    I was there some years ago and this post meant alot to me when i read it because although when i read it I was past the tower, but to realize that that is how it is, gave me peace that I had done right. At that time I had the impression I had done everything wrong in life. Today I look back and it seems like nothing existed… its like I woke up from a nightmare that I already forgot.

    1. SMH says:

      Nikita, Well said and well done. I feel that way too. I am almost one year NC and I can’t recall the feelings emotionally now. I can recall them intellectually but I don’t feel the feelings anymore. I am having a party in London next weekend (you are all invited, including you – HG). It’s for other reasons but I think in my own mind I am celebrating being narc free!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        That’s very kind but I’ll be overseas, thank you anyway!

        1. SMH says:

          You are very welcome, HG, and thank you for your kind and prompt RSVP. I am sorry that you cannot be there.

      2. nikitalondon says:

        Party ??? where ? when? Im in!!! Any party!

        1. SMH says:

          Nikita, Haha. Unfortunately, HG wouldn’t post it if I were to tell you. K and I once tried to meet up and we were doomed to moderation purgatory.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            How uncool… compartment strategy 🙄🙄

          2. SMH says:

            Yep, control control. Worlds cannot collide. (HG, I know your reasons – I am just joking around.)

          3. K says:

            Ha ha ha….can’t say I blame him, SMH.

          4. foolme1time says:

            Oh PSE, didn’t anyone tell you sweetie?! You’re already on that team! 😘👏👏👏

      3. nikitalondon says:

        and yes thats it… I cant recall any feelings anymore.. all wiped out. It just happened.

        1. SMH says:

          Nikita, Yup. You start sleeping through the night, waking according to your own schedule, and eventually the feelings are gone. I did have an everpresence moment a few weeks ago, which surprised me, but it only lasted seconds. Kind of like a flashback.

          1. nikitalondon says:

            What is everpresence??? 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ i know i read about it with having stuff from them but I don’t connect it to your comment.

          2. nikitalondon says:

            I get the creeps when i see them or someones mentions 🤢🤢🤮🤮

          3. SMH says:

            Nikita, That’s great and encouraging to hear! I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point where I will find out because I don’t know anyone who knows him and we live in different countries now. It does cross my mind, however, that I have not been fully tested, so I’m gonna have fun while I can and hope it never happens!!!

          4. nikitalondon says:

            I must have been deeply tired when i read about everpresence. For me any moment of presence or everpresence or whatever presence is 🤢🤢🤮🤮.

      4. SMH. I could sure use a party. I once spent a summer as a student on a research project with other students from around the United States. At the end of the summer, we all told each other to stop by if they were ever in town, and we had a list of contact information. I joined the crowd and said it as well, while we hugged our goodbyes, and said: if any of you ever visit NYC, please look me up. Well, to say this is not a problem if one lives in an average place, but I live in NYC and in Manhattan, and I was not thinking at that moment that practically everyone one visits here. I had so many visitors over the first 2 years!!! Sheeeesh!!! True story.

        1. SMH says:

          PSE, I hear you. I am in Manhattan right now. It happens to me both in London and in NYC. It’s kind of nice though because you never have to go out. The party comes to you, and often with bottles!

          1. princesssuperempath says:

            SMH: Maybe, in the fullness of time, HG Tudor will reveal himself at least to us, and visit us in NYC, and we all can have a blast together! Alcohol and the Narcissist and Team Tudor and Broadway! Sounds Fun! I`d even dress up, for all that. Amen. Leave SM or whomever in the hotel. He should be ours alone, at least for a little while.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            SMH, are you in that job interview you mentioned some time ago? If so, good luck! And if you got the job and that’s why you’re throwing a party, congrats! Btw, I’m celebrating my anniversary of getting entangled with my narc, which happened one year ago, with NC. Yay! 🥂🍾

          3. SMH says:


            Good for you on the anniversary marked by NC! I have a one year NC anniversary coming up myself, which is also close to the 3 year anniversary of when Excel and I first met. I’ll keep it to myself (the party is this weekend) but I know everyone will say – you look great, you seem really happy, etc.

            One of my bffs here (I am back in London) is just returning from yet another country. Almost the whole time I have known her I was either splitting up with exH (a Lesser) or involved with Excel, so basically miserable and preoccupied. I have not seen her in 8 or 9 months (normally I leave for half the year and she left her husband so has been gone even longer). She has barely seen me ‘normal.’ I am really looking forward to my narc-free debut!

            I did have the interview in NYC last week. In my field, it takes awhile, so I don’t know the outcome yet. It went well, however, and if I do not get the job it will just be a question of fit. I would like it but I will be fine either way. Thank you very much for asking! I will raise a toast to everyone here (including to you, HG). Will have to make something up but I’ll think of something that will connect me to all of you! xo

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thank you, SMH. I’m struggling a lot this month due to the memories, the spring in the air, and my ET which is obnoxious. But I’m traveling to Europe in a couple of days leaving him and my stupid memories behind so I’ll be alright. Btw, I have an interview in London soon, isn’t that weird? It would be so crazy if you happened to get the job here and I moved there! (although in my case even if I got the position I would still need to decide on a lot of logistics so I doubt I would accept it, but who knows).

          5. SMH says:

            PSE, I can’t see how to respond directly to your last comment because it didn’t show up in my email, but yes that sounds like a blast. HG and Team Empath doing NYC. We could make a film – a documentary! HG – that would get the word out!

  11. TheCobblersDaughter says:

    I love your blog! It is so right…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and you are correct.

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