A Madman’s Diary




I recently picked up a book that I had not read for many years. It is called A Madman’s Diary by Lu Xun. I have a translated copy. It is an interesting book and one which is rather relevant but that is not the purpose of mentioning it. It was, as I was leafing through to find a particular section, the place where a piece of neatly folded paper slipped from the pages of the book and nestled on the floor. Interested by this runaway piece of paper I set the book down and stooped to pick up the piece that lay beneath me. The paper was cream and of a decent weight and I smiled as I recognised where it had come from. It was the only thing that she had in common with my mother but she also knew the value of writing on a quality piece of paper. I unfolded it and there was my confirmation of the author as her neat, copperplate writing spread out before me. She always wrote with a fountain pen, a Mont Blanc and she kept a pot of ink at my house as she preferred to draw the ink from the pot into the pen rather than use the cartridges. I used to enjoy watching her as she carefully applied the nib to the dark liquid and then applied the mechanism to draw it up before cleaning off the oozing nib with a piece of blotting paper which soon became stained in a way not unlike the cover of the book which I had just put to one side. She used to hold up the blotting paper and invite me to comment on what I saw. I played along, since Rorschach was familiar to me. I always invented something spectacular though so she would comment and do so with her eyes with impressed admiration.

“I see a lion eating out a bison from behind,” I would say slowly and she would twist the blotting paper and peer at it to see if she accorded with my view.

“I see a crow stuck in the branches of a tree.”

“I see a dented crown.”

“I see a conflagration about a baby.”

“I see dumb people.”

Each time she filled her elegant writing instrument we would have this little game of me looking at the blotting paper, with its splodges, dots and streaks and without very little hesitation declare some imaginary image which left her both intrigued and confused. It must have been some time since I had last recalled us doing this together as her memory would rarely ever invade my consciousness and it would take something like this to restore that which had once been. I shoved it back into the depths of my memory where it was best kept.

Thus I turned to the letter and read its contents. It was her last letter to me. I think that is why I placed it in this book since I had been reading it at the time and I decided to use her letter as a bookmark rather than place it with all the others that I have received. This is what she wrote:-

“My dearest HG,

This is not some lengthy treatise. We have spoken for as long and as often as we could already and there is no need for repetition. I know I have offended you most gravely and  that is something I have never intended nor wished upon your gracious self. You have taught me many things and you set me higher than anyone else and for that you will always have my thanks and eternal gratitude. You truly are a prince amongst men and you always showed the grace of princes whenever you dealt with me. I think, more than anything else that it was your nobility, both in standing and purpose that drew me to you the closest. Even when you became both base and abominable you still exacted that majesty for which I have always loved you and I can only look to my own failings as to why you did as you did. I have issued a thousand sorrows for that which I did not do and that which I did not say. I offered you everything that I had but it was not enough and I remain ashamed of my failure, it is not something I often encounter. I think of you often and that will never change, I am sure of that. I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable and I am saddened that time was against us in terms of addressing them, but I remain hopeful that somehow we shall do so, in whatever form we decide and I will be by your side come what may. I will take this time you have designated as a sabbatical from you and I as one for reflection and improvement, you know how I am. Thank you for once again for our time in the sun, I know you have described it as no more than a howling wilderness and I would be lying if I said that such a description does not upset me. For me, it remains a place of safety and sanctuary and I firmly believe we can achieve it once again, should you decide to give me a further chance. I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it. All I ask now is for your forgiveness in the full knowledge that I deserve none.

Eternal love


As I read the letter once again a show reel of images filtered through my mind. Memories re-surfaced some of them not having been resurrected before. I felt those shared memories and those shared occasions stir something once again. In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again. The sensation flowed over me and it was familiar to me.  I recognised all those traits that had caused me to seek her out all that time ago. I recognised the feeling of the fuel that flowed from her. That was what I felt. This piece of correspondence, elegantly written and delicately composed encapsulated the powerful allure that we possess. I need not detail what I put her through once the golden period ended. You have you own experiences of that to draw on which will allow you to comprehend the brutality that such denigration exacted on someone who could write in such terms. Notwithstanding the cruelty and malice, her charity remained undiminished and stood as testament to the very things that I saw when our paths first crossed. This letter indeed reinforced what I knew. I was right. I folded it up and returned it to its rightful and appropriate place in the folds of the book once again, sealing it inside, placing her back in her tomb.

19 thoughts on “A Madman’s Diary

  1. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG: That letter was a letter of her own defense and written for the prosecution and also for posterity for her own boon and your disadvantage. I’d burn it. That letter she wrote reminded me of that dark comedy: Arsenic and Old Lace. Better that you put her back in that tomb, than one day she places you in one, for your own good, she would say, and that she was doing a good deed, she’d say, destroying you ever so merrily, as in the spirit of that dark comedy.

  2. Ashley says:

    Hg, if an empath wrote a letter like this (but in a sarcastic way) would a MR narc pick up on that the letter was sarcastic? I feel like my MR ex never got my sarcasm when he said something rude and then I sarcastically agreed with it

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not always, not, certain narcissists are poor at picking up on sarcasm.

  3. Twisted Heart says:

    I wrote a similar letter once. I know he didn’t deserve it and most of it would have been lost on him but for me it was a necessary part in my healing process. I kept him blocked as I never needed a response from him but it was important for me to be able to express my emotions instead of leaving them lingering in my heart and my mind. I finally understood why he is the way he is and I figured if he’s going to mirror something let him mirror kindness.

  4. Twisted Heart says:

    “In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again.”

    HG, Is that something that you have learned from your treatment? I think there could be huge value in letting that happen. Do you allow yourself to do that more often now with feelings, memories etc.? Have you noticed any changes?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.
      2. No.

  5. DoForLuv says:

    Seems like we all enter this weird distorted reality with this royalty fantasy delusion when being with a narcissists . Make it make sense HA! .. smh and we really love to end our texts/letters/e-mails with this dramatic form of love >> Eternal love <<

    God gracious !

  6. inspire2bu says:

    I will admit, I read this and my face contorted. My heart winced. I actually whispered audibly, “please stop!” Her brokenness, her need to apologize and carry all the blame like a noose around her neck. She put none on you! In fact she still complimented and admired your short comings as though a gift to her still. I feel sick to my stomach knowing the absolute lack of self respect and self worth she has absent in her life. What a beautiful and fulfilling fuel source for you! Dutifully sought out by your expertise. Well played HG!

  7. Sarah says:

    Sadly, trying to give somebody something that they don’t want will never end well, even when it is yourself.

  8. J.G THE ONE says:

    Simply adorable and great this letter. But as you well know from his perspective a totally specular image. Because now I understand your need for this letter at the same time that it nourished you, I know that you disliked its conformism, its weakness, its failure to allow yourself to be contemplated in its reflection what you are yourself. A weak, useless failure. As it is possible, Oda and dares to reflect such a deformity that you do not want to contemplate.

  9. Abw Flying says:

    From everything I read on this blog this article affects me most for some reason and the tears are running down my face every time I read C’s letter.
    Please let her go …

  10. All American Girl says:

    So sad. It seems she was willing to give so much of herself to you. And even more sad that you could not accept what she offered to you. I feel as though she was meant for you. Such a way with words, like yourself. I was cheering for her to be able to touch your heart, heal your soul. She must have been extraordinary if she merited a mention here.

  11. Christopher Jackson says:

    Another great piece hg so she entered your sphere of influence correct? I guess for a few mins then she was put back in the tomb interesting.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and yes, you are correct.

  12. Emily Edwards says:

    No wonder you dropped her. What a weak tart!

  13. Sarai (@Sarai92398684) says:

    Of course You were right. In reading people, I think Your nature endows You with a gift of translation that is unimpeded by the gauzy veils of assumed motive that normals are forced to peer through, that become attached by virtue of our emotional experiences. Your vision is clear because Your motives are unadulterated. A gift remains a gift, no matter how it is used.

    Thank You for sharing this.. both her gift, and Yours. And I agree.. beautiful writing. I held my breath!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  14. Fenris says:

    Beautiful writing HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you, Fenris.

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