The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Manipulation
You caught the same train at 8-05 am every day from Monday to Friday. You always sat at a window seat nearest to the door with a seat beside you and a double seat opposite you. You never sat and read the paper. You did not hold a book. You kept your mobile ‘phone in your bag rather than prod and jab at it. You preferred to look at the passing scenery. You preferred to look at your fellow travellers. You told me that the opposite seat was free. You returned my smile.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello on the following day. You smiled again. You engaged in small talk with me and answered my seemingly innocuous questions. You accepted my compliment about your fragrance with modesty and thanks. You told me your name and I told you mine.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello again the day after and the one after that. You smiled at me first this time. You engaged in small talk again but it grew from small to medium as the train left the station. You told me where you worked and what you did. You told me where you used to work. You explained all about your hoped for transfer to another department. You told me about your colleagues and laughed at my remarks about them.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You turned in your seat looking for me as I entered the train. You smiled and the smile was wider. You waved me over and we engaged in conversation. The small talk had been left on the platform. You told me this, you told me that and you told me about the other. I absorbed it all. I told you how your outfit suited you and you told me where you got it from. You told me where you lived. You told me you lived alone.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You looked for me again as you did every day. You always kept a seat for me. Sometimes opposite you. Sometimes beside you. You always had plenty to talk to me about. You showed me your new ‘phone and I saw the Facebook logo. I also memorised your four-digit passcode as you tentatively typed it. You told me that you were going for drinks after work and you told me the bar.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I went to the bar but did not look for you. You came and found me instead. You invited me over. You invited me and my two lieutenants to join you and your colleagues. You introduced me to them and them to me. I made you laugh. I made them laugh. I bought you more drinks. You touched my arm and your touch lingered.
You shouldn’t have done that.
Your privacy settings are not as good as they should be. You placed so much of your life online. You accepted my friend request. You messaged me first that Thursday evening and I messaged back. You messaged again and again so I did so too. You told me about your plans. You told me about your family. You told me about your friends.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for coffee. You answered my questions. You gave me more and more information as our friendship grew. You gave me your telephone number. You told me about your ex. You told me about the one before him. You showed tears in your eyes.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for dinner. You laughed at my jokes. You told me your hopes. You told me your fears. You told me what you liked and I liked it too. You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too. You looked in my eyes and you allowed me in.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You invited me to the party at your house. You greeted me with delight. You let me into your house. You showed me your books. You showed me your tastes. You showed me your friends and let me entertain them. You showed me my recruits. You poured me a drink and I poured one for you, then another and another. You kept coming to see me as I kept the group in the palm of my hand. You smiled and you laughed and you looked at me with something else, something more in your eyes. You kissed me.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You answered my calls. Each and every one. You talked with me for hours. You answered every one of my messages. You showed excitement. You showed delight. You showed enthusiasm. You accepted the flowers. You rang and thanked me. You accepted the jewellery. You rang squealing with pleasure. You accepted the invitations. You invited me over. You made me dinner. You insisted I stay. You took me to bed.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You thrilled at my notes. You soared at my voicemails. You revelled in my messages. You thanked me for my generosity. You clapped your hands in excitement when I showed you the tickets. You kept asking me to stay. You held on to me all night. You whispered in my ear and told me what you wanted, although I already knew.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You told me to leave a toothbrush. You insured me on your car. You gave me a key. You booked our first holiday together. You introduced me to your family. You introduced me to your boss. You introduced me to him, to her, to everyone. You believed everything I told you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You gave me your heart and said keep it safe. You told me your plans for us. You told me you loved me though I said it first. You told me nothing like this had happened before.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You made this choice. You let me in. You ignored the red flags. You let my tendrils slide around you. You told me how I had captured your heart and made you a queen. I whispered softly in your ear as you slept in my arms,
“I always do that.”
23 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Manipulation”
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HG, I am new to your blog, and continually blown away. Where can I read about what it is you don’t like? What turns you away? I can easily see myself as the person you refer to in this post, it sounds hauntingly lovely. But curious what stops your tendrils, and how do you respond when that happens?
Read No Contact and Escape (books of mine).
“You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too.” Bingo. The only place on my bucket list. He seduced me back the first time I left him with a vivid account of taking this trip with me, though to his credit he also wistfully said he would never be able to do it because he would never be able to retire because he had too many people to support. He loved to travel. Ironically, however, now I get to travel, and he does not. I get to do the things he should have been doing but never did because he has no soul. He’s become just another suit living a bland suburban life.
By the way, anyone else think of their narc while looking at those pictures of the black hole? My first thought was, ‘I know people like this.’
Dearest HG. Very beautifully and poetically written. I am reminded of those movies where the lead character has never died for centuries already, and he loves and watches his loved ones grow old and often fall ill and always die, and he has been through this so many times already. Over and Over and Over. He can envision the beginning and middle and end of their lives with him, because he has seen the cycle so many times before, yet he continues to participate in the continuum. When asked by a confidant, why he continues to engage in the repetitive saga, he gazes off into space and does not answer, but thoughtfully and quietly thinks: I Am. And, I did not create myself.
I like the way you described this.
Oh so very true
So perfection is definitely a red flag. If it seems too good to be true, if definitely is.
My ex narc worked so hard to tell his first wife he didn’t want to be with her that he paraded a 15 years older woman in front of her as his new lady. I am that lady, and since I am also now an ex wife, I wrote her a letter apologizing for how he hurt her, and how I was used for that end.
My ex narc worked so hard to tell me he didn’t want to be with me that he left our acres, his horse, and made clear to me he would rather sleep on a cot in his mom’s house than with me.
Now he complains about aging. He is 35. I am 49. I definitely should have known better, but he is my first (and only) narc, and I like adventure. I have never felt old. He feels old everyday.
He will never have another one like me, nor a life like the one we had. I was his chance to overcome, and I know he doesn’t know or care, being what he is, but nevertheless. He won’t get another. It makes me sad. When I’m sitting in my hammock with the beautiful desert breeze and horses grazing nearby, I don’t care about any of the bullshit, I just wish he could have stayed. He was fake, but I am not. Even in this mirror world, the truth prevails. Light banishes the dark.
Hello Canon…
I’m sorry to read your comment, because I see that is falling in emotional thinking and this will make you cost even more to get out of it all.
Your narcissist does not lie to you when he says he prefers to sleep in a crib, because his true self is the inner child who does not mature, and thanks to some child abuse or trauma could not develop empathy or sentimental bonding. He clings to his mode of operation, not to bond and not be hurt, his most feared fear Abandonment. These are things that narcissists have in their heads and prefer to pull the trigger, cause you harm because you no longer provide the necessary fuel is old and outdated. You will not be his last victim unfortunately. But they don’t lie when they say they want to go back to their mother’s cradle.
Thanks L. I can’t seen to get away from the emotional thinking. I screwed up no contact, and now I can’t get it back. It will happen pretty definitely again anyway, as he is still doing his dance.
Ok ow there will be another victim. There already has been. There just won’t be another me. He has never had anyone like me before, out of his many victims, and he never will again. There is only one of me. I am a lamb. I was his chance to bust out of his programs.
He stayed with the paradigm that narcissists can’t change.
Hello, Caron,
I don’t suppose you’ll be long in decommitment. From what I see in your commentary your level of addiction is very strong. You should quickly contact HG and put yourself in the hands of a therapist, because your path of self-torture can be very long if it helps. Long and unpleasant I assure you.
Having said that, I will explain one thing to you. The narcissist has a pathological fear of abandonment. This is what he doesn’t want and I can’t stand. He acts as he acts because they are afraid of intimacy and bonding. When he spends a lot of time with people, the human being creates emotional bonds. Falling in love. They, because of their pathology, cannot allow such emotional bonding with their victims. For this reason, they react with a process of actions to provoke the bond, this they do in a compulsive way, although they do not know why. The point here is that by not having bonding they are never in love with their victims. They are only for one thing the emotional fuel. The emotional fuel is their attention, admiration, glances, gestures, their flattering words, gifts, All their emotional energy. This makes your ego grow.
I would tell you to be careful not to want to go back to him.
You say you are a lamb, but I remind you that there are many lambs in the world.
If you want to be the lamb you will never forget, if it should happen that he comes back into your life. I would recommend that you prepare yourself, not behaving as you are behaving today. Well, your attitude and falling in love all you do is drive you further and further away. They see as weak, and crawling change your attitude towards him and then you are the person who abandons you. This will create a narcissistic wound that you will never forget in your life. Take your time and write your rejection with empty and hurtful words and your wound will be of biblical proportions. It will mark you for life, because if you don’t do it that way. Anyway, the result will be the same. The impossibility of maintaining a traditionally healthy relationship.
If you do this, you will be the only lamb, who will mark your wolf and wound him mortally. You are already mortally wounded and dead, kill your wolf anyway.
Do as I say and put yourself in the hands of a psychologist and consult HG to get out of your emotional thinking as soon as possible as they are drowning you and sinking into the emotional sea.
Read read read HG Tudor find out about this pathology and you will discover that you also have another. Codependence.
HG has the best followers. Thank you all for your kindness. I am reading and reading hg and plan to consult with him soon. I’m on day two of no contact again. I got him to agree to leave me alone and then I blocked him. I know now he is the ugly one, and the facade I fought so hard for doesn’t exist. I’m convinced. I know he will be back. It helps to have someone, my boyfriend, who is like me, and who I want more. Every time the narc has made invitations, I have said no because of my boyfriend.
I realize that all of our good times were really because of me. I made them all happen. He was a facade, reflecting me back to me. I’m continuing on with the good times. My new boyfriend has told me that I’ve spoiled him-anyone else he might date would be boring. I’m so grateful to have him. He signed on to help me knowing it might cost him and not worrying about the cost.
But you are right about the addiction. I would have given him my soul. It’s done and I won’t go back, and because I am still painted black and being devalued, and because I see him for who he is, I have successfully initiated no contact again. I can’t pray for him anymore even. It is hard to have compassion for myself-maybe Empaths are self punishing in some ways. The narcs think it is all about them, but we have our own journeys. If this had happened to anyone else, I would have compassion for them, so that’s what I tell myself and I just try to be gentle with myself when I still think of him.
I don’t know much about addiction experientially. Once when I saw him in person I did very well at not feeling anything, but when I left I started crying and called and invited him back into my life. Lucky for me he didn’t return. I got past it. I’ve been in his presence again and did not feel the same temptation during or after. When I check with the little girl lost within, me, she still loves him, but she, too is convinced now that the man I loved doesn’t exist. She has finally turned her attention to the new man and is willing to give him a chance.
The ex is an upper lesser somatic. I have told him what he is with the expected results. This, too, cuts me off from a return because any Hoover will be malign. He last told me I am a disgusting person, barely human, and compared himself to a lion who I poked and got bitten by. I laughed at that. A lion, really? Lions support and protect their mates. Anyway, I did not make excuses for his behavior or deny it. I would have loved him through it if he’d gotten help, but then I thought he was both the good and the bad versions of himself. Now I know he is just hollow. I am sad for him. I guess even that is wasted, though.
I believe I am in the acceptance phase of grief now. I’m still sad, but not depressed, and I’m able to be alone again. I’m starting to look up again, though I’m still pretty low for me. I’ll recover. This blog is a great help.
Caron,
“He has never had anyone like me before, out of his many victims, and he never will again”
It’s good that you know your worth. Remember those words when you start to doubt yourself. Don’t try to convince him though. He is not capable of knowing how valuable you are.
I disagree, I’m sure alot of us, weren’t deserving of this treatment. Alot of us were the best he ever had.
Deborah Sanner, I don’t understand your comment. I don’t think she deserved that treatment and I think it’s great that she knows how valuable she is. The narc makes us doubt our worth because they are not capable of seeing it in us. I was trying to tell her that when she feels doubt in herself, she needs to remember the words she has written about herself is true, not what the narc tries to make her feel.
Caron. Those somatic mid ranger Narcs are the worst. You fall for them as well as for the way they look as well as for their “humble“ false personna. Triple trouble at least. That is what I am/was dealing with. The worse. I think the somatic ones are even more narcissistic on the spectrum, because they have even more fuel needs to be met, with the vanity factor thrown in, and I am amazed at how much energy they have, but they do start aging quickly at a certain point, from all that running around and dodging bullets, so to speak, and then they become more bitter. You do not want to deal with all of that. That mask will come off on you in ways that you basically will see only in horror movies. I am glad that I will be missing all of that, at least, but I have surely glimpsed it. Be glad you got out with your life intact and you are able to function, if even barely. Time will help, now that you know and are learning more and more about what you are dealing with and you are no longer boxing in the dark. I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it a bit now. I cried and cried and cried. Crying is good to get some of the pain out. I can not believe you have a boyfriend now. You are going to live, dear. Do you still have him? One day I hope to have one. I like what you said about the male lions. How they help their mates. What I like about male lions, is how they can handle more than one mate at a time, their pride, I believe it is called, and how much freedom the lionesses have. The females are free to go out and about, and here and there, and to kill and hunt as needed, and they come to the male only when the problem or quarry really is just to too much to handle at times, on their own. So they come and seek the male lion for help, and you just know that when the male lion arises to tale up the fight, heads are really going to roll, both literally and figuratively. HG Tudor has been the male lion, of my strategy, as I handle my intrigue to disengage from the mid ranger. HG is just way way way smarter than the mid ranger, and that is so very good because the mid ranger is way way way smarter and more clever than I am, regarding human behavior, especially. I got in over my head this time. Thankfully I believe II am pretty much out of it now. The horrid addiction. The war within myself. The emotional thinking battling the logical thinking. So, keep fighting the addiction. And never let your guard down! Remember the Hoovers. Lock the door! Throw away the keys! Open it no more! When you start feeling better, and also when you feel lonely, Do Not Let That Magical Thinking Start Getting A Foothold In Your Mind Again, Please. Be Smarter and Wiser, and still alive. Always Resist! Flowers will bloom again, and you will notice them. And you know what, believe me, you are going to be happier with all this knowledge about the people on this planet, once you recover a bit more. Caron, I first was so disillusioned that I did not think people were worth it anymore, but now, that some time has passed and I have healed a bit more, I am almost ecstatic with all this knowledge from HG Tudor I found here, and with the people on here… Like that movie: Limitless, with that actor Bradley Cooper, Now, I see ALL people.
HG, would a narcissist who doesn’t have an IPPS consider starting a long distance relationship in hope to get an IPPS if there is no hope they could live in the same city now and in the future?
I mean… a narcissist needs as an IPPS someone who will be with him on daily basis, fuelling him, giving all the attention. So why would a narcissist put effort in seducing someone who will never live with them? I know, for fuel if this person is worth it and if the narcissist is in need. But what I am asking about is if a narcissist knows it will be just a temporary, secondary source or is he delusional and during the seduction doesn’t think about all the problems that come with having LDR?
I am asking about a mid ranger but I am also curious if you as a Greater who are more self aware would for example give up this person in the beginning because of no hope for getting a prospective IPPS or would you chase this person in delusional fantasy it will be a perfect match despite the long distance?
Because that person contributes to the Prime Aims and does so in a manner commensurate with the energy expended by the narcissist. If the narcissist perceives that person has greater potential, they will be promoted through the hierarchy and more effort applied to their seduction/ensnarement. If therer is not such great potential, they remain at a lower position in the hierarchy.
Here’s some advice for the next one
Don’t let him lead you to the dark
Don’t tell him all your secrets
He’ll leave you with a broken heart
He’ll try and tell you that he wants you
Just to keep you on the line
And right when you’re about to move on
He pulls you back in every time
Here’s advice for the next one
Run, Run, Run….
This is the first verse of a song by Nicole Scherzinger – Run. My go to tune these days as I learn more and more and making my escape. Probably not H.G. style but hopefully for someone here who needs to hear it. It is haunting how it descibes a narcassistic relationship.Just as haunting as this blog.
Thank you H.G.
HG,
Although you’ll never understand I have to share this with you…
As one of his victims..You made me cry reading this. The plan, the execution and the bullshit .
Lying side by side in my bed; He held me close, face to face with his arms encircling all of me. My face in his chest, I murmured, I feel safe. So very safe. I wish I could of been his face at that moment. He was probably smiling.
Deborah, Most of us on here understand! I didn’t want to be held! I never had it before so I didn’t know that I was missing anything. He insisted! I gave in. I felt that safety, I felt protected for the first time in my life! Never again! I will never allow anyone to hold me in their arms ever again! I hope you can heal and find peace.
I’m so sorry FM1T…I emphasise with what you are saying. I only partly trusted before, now I will never trust again. That breach was hard enough, so I can only imagine what you feel.
Wow this is chillingly right on
Indeed.