5 Howling Wildernesses


Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

7 thoughts on “5 Howling Wildernesses

  1. Liz says:

    Quick question HG, I’m slightly confused on my ex narcs behavior which rarely I am anymore. Quick background as I’m sure you don’t remember me. My ex and I have a daughter. On and off for 20 something years until I found you 3 years ago. It took 2 yrs to get over the pain and do everything you suggest. Last year I’ve been happy. Don’t miss him or think about him other than co parenting. He stopped all his manipulations about a yr ago. Stopped trying to have me spend the night. We haven’t slept together in 3 yrs. once he caught on I new he took that manipulation completely out. Lately he is being really nice though. He doesn’t try to sleep with me or be with me his co parenting is pleasant. He hasn’t used it to call me a horrible mom or triangulation. He has been horrible this past year when nothing else worked. Keeping her from me on holidays. Even changed her Dr and didn’t list me as her mom. But again he has been lately nice to me and pleasant on coparenting. He did ask if I would come on vacation with them which is out of the norm. Of course I declined but I’m not understanding this switch. Is someone in devaluation. Is it just the quite before another heavy storm. Your input would be greatly appreciated. Also I want to thank you for giving me my life back. I finally start dating again 6 months ago. I’m always busy with and family. I am truly happy. Something I never thought was possible. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      Yes, you are painted white at present, hence the benign behaviour and someone else is most likely painted black and being devalued. The shift back to being painted black is a moment away either because you do something which threatens his sense of control or there is a shift in the fuel matrix as someone significant becomes painted white.

      1. Liz says:

        Lol, every time I assert my boundaries his favorite response is, “who do you think you are? I’m in control, not you” That’s what my first thought was. Some poor girl was being devalued. He always acts like he’s single though and never dates. I know better just by the way his behavior is. again poor girl.

      2. Claire says:

        Is it uncommon for two people to simultaneously be black or white?

        1. HG Tudor says:


    2. NarcAngel says:

      So great to hear that you are happy again and doing well. Thank you for sharing that so that others can see it is possible for them also.

      1. Liz says:

        You’re right it is very important to know you are able to heal and regain your life back. 3 years ago I was a mess. Just coming to the realization of what happened to me, putting the puzzle pieces together and realizing everything was an illusion. Honestly now I feel nearly healed although dating is hard it’s becoming easier and easier. I have an amazing career, wonderful friends and family back. Anxiety and ptsd rarely shows their ugly heads anymore. But most importantly my family and I are happy and I truly love myself once again.

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