A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 14

M,

It is etched in my mind and I used to visit it often. April 2, I laid eyes on you for the first time as I watched as you walk from your front door to your car. I swooned and said aloud, “I’m in big trouble”. The truth in that statement haunts me to this day. I never looked away from you from that moment on. You were the man I had chosen. In all your brokenness, your fears and your messy past, I loved you relentlessly. It’s as if I brushed the dirt off of you and underneath was this brilliant man whom I fell in love with almost immediately.

Our relationship was not easy.  I believed you were working through your past hurts, but it was only your true self peeking through the mask. You spewed your pain and frustration on me when I came to you in kindness voicing concerns. I now know that your pushing me away and needing space were not birthed from old habits from your marriage. This was your true colors shining through. This was you punishing me for my wrongs in questioning you.

You voiced regret from your past transgressions in your marriage and I poured my healing balm on your wounds. I believed you as you said “I don’t want to be that man ever again.” I believed you were like me. I had been unfaithful to my husband. Surely your mistakes, as mine, were birthed from an unhappy marriage and having an unhealthy partner.You feigned deep vulnerability, even to tears, mirroring mine. It was all an act, portrayed with such accuracy, I swear you deserve an Oscar. You stated how broken you were and how you were thankful for me.  You said I was helping you grow into a confident man. A man of integrity and honor. A man walking in honesty and truth. I man hell-bent on transforming out of his past and into newness. I believed in redemption and a second chance. I wanted it. You convinced me you did as well.

Finding out that you were still that man was disillusioning at first. I had been deceived by your smooth apologies and partial truths. But what you were proclaiming as truth didn’t silence my gut screaming inside me that there was more. When I found out about her I squirmed and turned my head. I could not face that What I had felt all along was true. I just wasn’t enough for you.

All these woman chanted the same things “Liar” , “Narcissist”, “mentally ill”, “his poor children” and “thank God you’re out of the relationship”.