The Last Word


I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

9 thoughts on “The Last Word

  1. Abe Moline says:

    Before knowing what she was, I would have probably told her something like – let me know when you can decide what it is that you feel and want from me, then we’ll discuss… Last of my emails (no reply to it 🙂) ended with thanking her for what I learned from this relationship, and hoping she should forgive me have I wronged her in any way.

    But now… I honestly have no idea… Whatever I’d say, it would make no sense to her. She would not understand, she would not even hear me. Also, does it make any sense to say I don’t love you anymore, and also I don’t hate you? If I don’t care about her, why would I say that, or anything else? If I say anything, that would mean I still care, wouldn’t it?… Keeping quiet seems the only logical answer to this dilemma.

  2. Dmd says:

    If I knew then what I know now they’d be very different. I’d have simply said “I see where you’re coming from, you have a point” to whatever crap he spewed and left it at that on my way out the door.

    1. lisk says:

      I love that, Dmd.

      You simple statement is both honest and grey.

  3. lisk says:

    “You want finality. You want some kind of closure…”

    Not after reading this blog for the past 6 months . . . for I have got the finality and I have got the closure . . . from you, HG.

    You are the one who has tied up all “the loose ends” for me (and countless others, I presume).

    Thank God . . .oops! . . . Thank HG you created this blog!

    As for thinking back to what last words I could have said, I am no longer interested in saying or even remembering them.

    The urge to say anything has gone. I considered writing one of “Letter from” post, but I see no reason why.

    I really have nothing to say to Narc Ex.

  4. Veronique Jones says:

    Yes this is so true but it’s something that is not very important to me my self esteem is quite healthy considering all of the abuse I have sustained and he can have the last word it’s not going to change the facts and I don’t need him to agree with or validate me I know what he did was wrong on so many levels I am definitely a super empath it’s not often I go there but when I do it is because I know what I am dealing with and I have the advantage of having had a lot of experience with narcissists I would be shocked if they had ever met someone else like me

  5. mommypino says:

    This is so spot on and one of my favorites. It was my weakness that got me into so much trouble. With my stepdaughters, we have a weird dynamic where a lot of the insulting and horrible lies that they have said about me were never said in my face. They always say those things to their dad and he would be so bothered about the things that they said about me and tell me those things. It always got me so angry because I am not given the chance to defend myself. Of course my husband defended me to them and it should probably be enough for most people. But I always have this nagging itch in me to be the one to defend myself and say my piece. So there were times that I engaged in email wars where I confronted them about the things that they said to their dad. And those email wars never end unless one of us blocks the other person. I think the first email war, my older stepdaughter blocked me first. The next email war I made sure that I was the one to block her first. It was really stupid. I should have listened to my husband. The best thing that I ever did is GOSO and finding this site.

  6. empath007 says:

    This post is EXACTLY what I needed this morning!!! Thank you HG. You could not be more correct about all of this. I ALWAYS wanted the last word, and to this day I still think about having it. I was displeased with my last correspondence with the Narcissist. I hadn’t had the chance to find this blog or do enough research yet to really know what to say, all I knew was… I best not engage a whole lot, while I would have normally swooped in and defended my self against his accusations of my character, I FINALLY understood that that would be a waste of time. So I did not bother to defend myself much, his last words to me were to never speak to him again etc etc.

    He told me (to try and hurt me) that he was “wrong about me” and he “put himself through hell finding that out”

    If I could say anything to him now… I would honestly just want to say… Thank you, saying he was wrong about me, well that is probably the greatest compliment I have ever received in my life (Because although it was used to manipulated and hurt me so that I blamed myself for the demise of our relationship) I would NEVER want to be what he thought was “right”. I would never want to be walked all over an allow someone to continue to hurt me. I would never want to be what an abuser “expected”

    HG. Your blog has helped me tremendously. It has made me feel like I could say some things that were on my mind and talk to you and the people here instead of him. Thank you for that. And now I finally got to say my last word.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. lisk says:

      Great post, empath007.

      I, too, used this blog to “say some things that were on my mind.”

      I wonder if HG minds that we use him as a surrogate narc?!

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