Self Torture

Self Torture

Our kind are not prone to giving credit to others (unless of course it absolutely benefits us to do so) since it has to be all about us. Even when it is your achievement, our needs dictate that your successes become ours. This might be as a consequence of us quite simply sequestrating that success and claiming it as our own or alternatively maintaining that the only reason you secured, for example, that promotion, was because of our support, our input and our apparent sacrifices.

However, our success cannot be stated to be ours and ours alone.

You play a significant part in the continuance of our existence. The maintenance of our control over you. The continued provision of fuel.

Yes, our self-defence mechanism that is narcissism operates on a foundation of omnipotence, omniscience and ensuring complete control.

Yes, this is achieved through the inherent application of the narcissistic perspective, the instinctive (Lesser, Mid Range and Greater) and calculated (Greater only) manipulations.

Yes, this is achieved by the ignorance and brainwashing of other parties.

But, were it not for your contribution it would prove somewhat more difficult and potentially less successful.

What is your contribution? Is it fuel? Yes. It is character traits? Yes. Is it residual benefits? Yes again. However, all of these Prime Aims flow from the application and maintenance of control over you. We of course exert this control and do so through the vast range of manipulations that exist – the love-bombing during seduction, the litany of dark machinations such as silent treatments, triangulation and gas lighting through devaluation and the varied hoovers to prevent your threatened departure or to draw you back in at some later stage.

You add to this control and make it easier for us.

How so? Your predilection for self-torture.

You, as an empathic victim torture yourself almost as much as we torture you. Wait, I hear you protest, you are just blame shifting now, HG. No, I am blame sharing. Do understand, that for all you are ambushed, completely taken by surprise and outflanked by our selection of you and then our sustained manipulation of you, you also play a significant part in being seduced and thereafter ensnared because of your ability to torture yourself.

Disagree? Very well. How many of these phrases have you ever thought or said?

 

What have I done wrong?

What if I can put this right in some way?

Maybe it is my fault after all?

Am I the narcissist?

If only I had (done this or said that) everything would be okay

If only I had answered that text sooner

Maybe if I had tried harder it would have worked

I guess I am guilty of not listening at times.

What if he is happy with her now?

Why has she chosen him?

What if he isn’t actually a narcissist?

What if I give up too soon?

What if she is telling me the truth?

I suppose I provoked him to do that.

He can’t help it, I should be more understanding.

I need her to understand what she is doing to me.

If only I could make him see how he behaves.

Why can’t we just get along like we used to?

Why did he have to have an affair?

What’s he getting out of keeping this divorce going?

Although your self-torture manifests in hundreds of different ways, it all stems from two platforms. The first is your repeated capacity to blame yourself for the problems which always occur when ensnared with us. The second is your inability to accept the situation for what it is.

Your empathic traits of honesty, decency, compassion and guilt are repeatedly seized by your emotional thinking and corrupted. You blame yourself for the things which go wrong in the relationship with us, you blame yourself for not seeing things, for doing the wrong thing, for not trying hard enough, for failing to please us, for annoying us, for making us do the reprehensible acts which are doled out against you time and time again.

Your empathic traits of being a truthseeker, of fairness and of tenacity are similarly corrupted. Rather than accept that the individual is a narcissist and therefore it was inevitable that you would be dumped and someone else chosen to replace you, you question yourself as to what you could have done better. You torture yourself wondering if we will be happy with your replacement. You put yourself through pain trying to get us to see what we have done and what we are doing. You impose agony on yourself through monitoring the daily declarations of the narcissist on social media. You wound yourself by trying to gain some form of admission of wrongdoing from us. You want answers, you want to speak your truth and have us listen to and accept your truth.

Yet by doing all of this, you continue your engage with us in some form and with that come the Terrible Trio, those three downsides namely

  1. You will provide us with fuel which is, of course, what we want and need and thus we are winning;
  2. You run the risk of a malign response from us, some form of continued abuse or unpleasant reaction; and
  3. You are feeding your emotional thinking and keeping it high. This means that not only will you fail to apply logic and apply GOSO, the associated emotions (anger, hurt, misery, upset, frustration and so on) will continued to pour over you.

Rather than decide this person is not good for you and you should leave them well alone, you apply your efforts to trying to contact us and find out what went wrong.

Rather than realise that this person cannot ever change, you seek to secure such change or you sacrifice your own well-being to make changes in the futile hope of securing happiness through your own compromise.

Rather than be thankful that your disengagement gives you a head start on your recovery and progress, you self-sabotage by trying to contact us and understand what you could have done to have prevented the relationship from souring in the first place.

Rather than accept that this person is a narcissist and this is JUST WHAT HE DOES, you torture yourself asking but why, but why, but why?!

If you did not engage in such self torture, we would find it far harder to ensnare you, to keep you ensnared and to ensnare you once again.

Of course, your self-torture is a product of your emotional thinking and its sole aim of ensuring you keep engaging with us. It does not want you to do anything else and that is why it wants you to reject the answers I give you and instead keep querying them. This is why it wants you to keep trying to contact the narcissist to make her see, to make him realise, to make her understand, rather than you drawing a line and saying ‘no, no more’.

Your heightened emotional thinking makes you lose insight so you do not even realise you no longer have any insight. It makes you think that the pursuit of answers, the truth, change, healing, redemption and so much more is not only noble but absolutely necessary. Yes, answers are important and understanding is key to moving forward to your recovery but before you can apply and absorb those answers provided by my work, you have to make room for those answers. You have to reduce that emotional thinking and that means the imposition of no contact.

Your self-torture is part of the maintenance of contact in some form. This means continued emotional thinking. This means a lack of understanding. This means you stay stuck.

Your self-torture is enabling us to control you. To control you sooner, deeper and longer.

And to keep coming back again and again and again.

We are the enemy without and we will always torture you.

You have the enemy within and it is self-torture.

 

 

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56 thoughts on “Self Torture”

  1. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I don’t recall ever seeing this perfectly accurate “home truth” before
    I believe we should internalise, memorise and press play repeatedly on this one, along with your articles on emotional thinking and goso

    I’ve ” tortured ” myself all my life on never being “good enough”……doesn’t help when my mother constantly tells me every time I see her, the abortionist was on hols and asking me to look up on the internet ways she can commit suicide and that she is only staying alive for her cats

    This article …..for me …. stands out as one of your best on our self analysis
    Thank you kindly
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. Pingback: I’m Sorry
  3. My ET traits allowed self-torture but my narc traits allowed me to tell him that I did nothing wrong, that it was all on him, and that he is a psychopath. Thank goodness for some sense.

  4. Very true. I often engage in this even without a narcissist in moments of high emotion and stress.

  5. I can honestly say i never ask why anymore ive just accepted that certain behaviours are that of a narcissist and that their thinking is very different and skewed. Acceptance is freedom. Part of acceptance and this is an impossible one for a narcissist but…you cant control all things in life and that includes people.
    Id have to agree when healing its important to see the whole picture and not just put blame on the narcissist. Actually i dont like using the word blame, rather understanding. Understand the whole picture and how you may have been a contributor or enabled becoming a victim. Thats a hard pill to swallow but its not blame bc no one deserves abuse or being preyed on. I think too many play the blame game and get stuck or find themselves back in another narc relationship bc they fail to ask themselves what is it about me that draws me to this type of person. Why did i stay as long as i did? Why did i put up with all the abuse? Those are very important questions to answer and its not always easy to find the answers bc it takes a lot of self reflection and being honest and open with yourself. In some cases the victim may be as unhealthy emotionally and psychologically as the narcissist. Blame is a waste of time and understanding is what is crucial.
    We can be our best friend or we can be our worst enemy.
    I know in my own situation im working hard on breaking the bad habits that have caused bad choices in my life. Im being patient with myself as i understand and learn about why i am the way i am and how i ended up in certain situations. I started off blaming the narcs in my life but now i no longer care about them i care about how i contributed or stayed in these relationships the way i did. I want to know moreso how to navigate around these types and limit their toxicity in my life. I want to surround myself with positive people who add to my life and in return help me to live the healthiest happiest i can be but that can only be achieved by accepting and understanding. Blaming is a waste of time and in many cases a defense mechanism.

  6. “The first is your repeated capacity to blame yourself for the problems which always occur when ensnared with us. The second is your inability to accept the situation for what it is.” – HG Tudor

    It’s true. I blamed myself for his behaviors, thinking the drastic changes in him had to do with me… my situation. Then once I started to see a bit of reality, I struggled to accept it for what it was. I still do, actually. But like the saying goes: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck … it’s a fucking duck.

    Thank you for providing so many different ways to deliver the message. Sometimes it slides off me like water off a duck’s back, but I know that I need to keep “learning” until it truly sticks.

    Thank you, HG, for your persistence.

  7. I think I have thought or said 80% of these phrases. This is a very powerful article, HG. Never thought about how we contribute to the torture this way. It is as if you would see through us. So accurate. A lot of insight in your words. Thank you for your enlightening education. Our empathic traits attract narcissists no only to adore us by creating the illusion that you are our half during the golden period while providing with you delicious positive fuel but to help you to leave us without insight. But, why? Why is it that we do not accept, that we keep self-sabotaging us, that we do no stop and leave you, that we continue to ask why? Is it all ET? Is it all addiction? Why ET can be so powerful with us?

    1. Thank you.

      You are addicted. Your ET has one aim and one aim only, to feed that addiction. ET can be very powerful, if allowed to grow unchecked.

  8. This one is hitting hard for me right now. ALL of the thinking and thinking and but why, but why, BUT WHY???!?!?!….. I am my own worst enemy with this. So tired of conjuring these feelings on my own, in my own head, and with no involvement from him whatsoever at this point. NC is really the only way. Out of sight, out of mind, unfollowed and blocked on all platforms now.

    1. Joanne, do you feel a little empowered now that you blocked him? When I finally made the decision to go true NC it was like a sigh of relief. Leaving avenues open for him to contact me gave him power over my emotions. Blocking felt like I had taken that power away from him.

      1. Mercy
        Yes, I feel empowered since for so long I kept these lines open in order to “remain friends” and also in fear that blocking would somehow incite rage on his part and cause him to smear me to my husband. But I am tired of keeping myself imprisoned by this. It’s been months, and I know he’s got better things to do than ruin my life at this point. I feel a move like that could also damage his facade since we have some distant mutual friends.

        It’s definitely a relief. He wasn’t trying to contact me, in fact it’s been weeks since I’ve heard anything from him at all. And, that bothered me (actually tortured me). So by shutting the portal, he CAN’T contact me. That ends my wondering if he will text me or like my posts etc. NC is really the only way 🙁

        1. Joanne, yes!! For me it felt like I snipped one of the strings that tied me to him. I stopped obsessively looking at my phone. I stopped being disappointed when I’d get a notification and it wasn’t him. The relief we feel is a result of us taking the power away from them. I’m so glad you faced your fear.

          I know how you feel when you say he’s got better things to do than ruin your life. It’s like being invisible to someone who consumes your thoughts. It hurts. I think I’ve worked through that feeling for the most part. That feeling that I loved a ghost. It’s just another string to snip. We’re working towards freedom.

          1. Mercy
            Yes, the invisibility is painful. The fact that for months he has been top of my mind while I twist and churn over everything. And the fact that I’ve kept myself from going NC in fear that he’d smear me is embarrassing at this point. He doesn’t care. He’s not worried about me or what happened or what I’m doing now. It’s a harsh realization but one that needs to happen.
            And it does feel like freedom to not be checking my phone or having any hopes or expectations to hear from him. No more disappointment at those notifications. We will get there, even if little by little!

          2. Joanne, I got a Hoover today. Very simple words “I hope you are well”. 5 months strong but when I those words I couldn’t stop crying.

            He needs something, he doesn’t care if I’m well. Yesterday I felt strong, today I’m barely hanging on.

          3. Ugh Mercy, 5 words is all it takes sometimes. And how clever is he? To word it in such a way that he is invulnerable. He is just *hoping* you are well, he isn’t *asking* if you are well. Therefore, if you don’t reply, he doesn’t “lose.” They are so infuriating.

            Did you respond to it?

          4. Joanne, I did. I don’t know what I was expecting. There’s no substance to what he says and I see through his flattery. We had a few back and forths the I ended the conversation. I’m sick about it because I was doing so well. So I start over. Day 1 no contact.

          5. Mercy, don’t be too hard on yourself. We have all been there, it’s not easy. We fool ourselves into thinking we are strongwe now, and can therefore handle a seemingly benign exchange but then are left feeling so empty afterward, feeling conned. Just get back up on the horse. It’s ok to start again. Each time a little stronger💕

          6. Joanne, wow through the course of this convo I went from feeling empowered to vulnerable now back to myself. How twisted is that? I almost didn’t reply to your question because I didn’t want to admit that I responded to the hoover. Thank you for your kind words.

          7. Mercy, I’m so sorry that happened and set you back! You’ve seemed so much better lately. We were just talking yesterday about how good it felt to be present. I hope you can turn your upset into anger, move past it, and block his sorry ass.

          8. Mercy,

            As far as I can tell, Gmail does not allow you to really block. Outlook doesn’t either. The messages just go into spam, which means you would probably see them anyway. Even to delete your spam you have to go into the folder and I always check mine because sometimes things are there that shouldn’t be. I don’t have MRN blocked on Gmail either for that reason. So far he hasn’t tried to use it because he won’t directly hoover. I also haven’t had any indirect hoovers for quite awhile now, as far as I can tell.

            I really missed him yesterday!! I don’t think I was close to breaking NC, but I could feel that ever presence for sure. I think it’s because I am going towards him geographically rather than away from him and will be within driving distance soon. It is clear that he still has quite a hold on me. I would be in the same condition as you if he directly hoovered me. I hope you are feeling better now. It is just time and each time it gets easier. xo

          9. SMH, I am much better which surprises me because I really thought I messed up. The convo went back and forth for a few hours. My responses were not personal and I didn’t leave openings for the conversation to continue so it was very one sided. Which means he did most of the talking. That’s what saved me. It was the same ole same ole. I was wearing my Fitbit and checked my pulse. 107!!! and I wasn’t even walking. I usually run in the mid 80s. I wasn’t giving him fuel and I knew I had to end it before he turned things ugly. He knows how to trigger my anger.

            When I first saw the message I couldn’t hold back the tears. My first though was that he cares. Then my logic told my emotions to shut up! Well that just pissed me off. Maybe thats why I’m always so mad. My emotions and logic are always fighting. 

            I don’t know why I can’t take HGs word, its like I have to learn by experience. Now I know to always be vigilant. I thought I was safe but I was blindsided. 

            SMH, you are right about getting a direct hoover now. It sucks that’s there’s no expiration on having our guard up. My advice from this experience is be ready! Never think it won’t happen. Have a plan and know what your going to do. Seriously, treat it like a fire drill and know your escape route. Be ready!

          10. Mercy
            We’ve discussed before how we like order in our lives and hate clutter. He is clutter. So off we go to the container store to purchase a bin marked: REFUSE

            That can be read two ways and they both work.

            Your advice to be vigilant is wise. We can think we know what we will do or dismiss that there will even be a hoover, but until we are tested………As for predictions – who among us would have believed once that we would be here in the first place? So proud of you for your honesty in relaying what happened and how it affected you, and for recognizing what was happening and shutting it down quickly.

          11. NarcAngel,

            You should know, every time I Google something and the first letter is “c” Container Store comes up first on my options. You get me!

          12. Mercy
            It’s a small setback. Yes, it hurts now, but you’ll be better soon. Don’t feel disappointed. You’ve learned much from this, experienced first hand – you’re not safe from a hoover no matter how long, you need a strong no contact, he did not change. You ended the conversation, so you’ve got it in you, you’re strong, you have the tools.
            Realize all this and your ET will soon bow to your will.
            Move forward & take care!

          13. RE Gmail blocking: In the top right hand corner of a message, click the drop-down menu button (upside down triangle), and select “block.” (It appears with the name of the sender in quotes.) Any future messages from the blocked addresses will land in the spam folder.

          14. I am keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you the best, Mercy. Please understand that your reaction is normal, and know that each setback actually brings you closer to success.

            Most of our experiences are similar. After periods of his silence, I would see certain random texts from him. My eyes would light up as brightly as my phone. As I read his message, the tears would pour out like Niagara Falls. My heart would warm, as I would say to myself, “He really does care!” The feeling of comfort this gave me is almost indescribable as his short texts were only words… but kind words they were. I found myself happy again. Then in surprisingly little time, his true nature would reveal itself once more, though often in a worse way.

            Yet, just his casual acknowledgement of me could validate me in a way that I had never experienced. But as we all know, that’s part of the addiction. Any little morsel helps to curb the craving and numb the pain. I wish they did not have this power over us… this ability to make us want want we know we don’t need. If only they weren’t so wounded that a real second-chance (or fifth 🙄) could actually work, but our logical brains know the odds.
            Still, our empathic side is so strong, that it is almost impossible not to respond to their seemingly kind gestures. I can’t even tell you how many times I broke. But I can tell you that each time I tried to have a deeper conversation with mine, the more I realized that he vastly lacks what I need.

            So for me, multiple attempts to “see for myself” were needed. Eventually, HG’s advice sticks … because we see for ourselves that what our narcissists truly has to offer is actually something quite repelling.
            Hang in there, Mercy…
            We’re rootin’ for ya. 🙂

          15. After some looking into Gmail spam fine tuning I found this succinct article on how to further fine tune your Gmail spam folder, so you do not have to look through your spam and see your narc’s message:

            https://connectech.us/gmail-spam-filtering/

            You can also create a filter for AUTO delete by date, but this would NOT be specific to a single email but all emails during a specified time period.

            Hopefully this helps those getting narc hoover spam.

  9. I cannot agree with this more. I can’t stop wanting a better outcome. Even though I escaped- I can’t stop wanting it to have a better ending. One where he does not hate me. I can’t stand the dichotomy of the love/hate memories that are side by side. Even though I’m sure you will say, HG, that neither are real emotions.

  10. I never engaged in self torture. when I realized what happened, and saw the plethora of Articles and video clips ,, I gained insight exponentially. I did not blame myself only for the fact I allowed it to happen in the first place when it could have been easily avoided. I believe every individual human being is responsible for their actions and behaviors and lifestyle choices and decisions. It was an illusion. I observed,assessed, evaluated, as well. But because of the covert behaviors and secrecy N’s exhibit, makes it harder to grasp and say ” look that’s what he wanted, an emotional reaction an emotional response, and I will not be manipulated into providing it to him”..I was neutral and the silent treatments the way I responded was by not responding at all until he spoke first. So he switched to a different form of manipulation by doing the wrestling commentary, I asked him ” why are you doing that” responded by getting more arrogant, more obnoxious, and significantly louder. In his own world the N’s world.

  11. Hi Ladies

    It’s ex narcs birthday this week , my ET seems to increasing ,so much so I’m feeling weird and restless and quite sad.
    Parts of me are saying go on wish him happy birthday ,and part is warning me NO .
    I don’t know I kind of miss him right now ,not that I ever mattered . No contact for 3 months now after a malign Hoover to toy with me.
    No more hoovers , I should feel blessed but right now I feel lost and forgotten .
    I know I sound pathetic I just need to get this off my chest.
    Here I am giving advice to others yet right now I feel very weak and am struggling with my own self.

    Kiki

    1. Hi Kiki, Please skip his birthday. Do absolutely nothing!

      No comment = NO malign hoover in response. I understand your heart wanting to, but definitely do not contact him in any way. He doesn’t need it or deserve it.

      You do not miss him anyway. You miss only an illusion that you had real feelings about. That illusion never really existed. Plus, he no doubt will use any action by you to either smear you or use as triangulation on some other poor soul. Please pass on this temptation. He certainly would not genuinely wish you any happiness (since he cannot feel any).

      Do something wonderful for you instead!

    2. Kiki, what you’re feeling is quite normal. At least you’re 3 mos no contact. That’s impressive. I know I’ll feel what you’re feeling when I finally get brave and goso myself. I’m already feeling it just contemplating it. I wish I could just rewind my history and have said, no thank you when he sat down next to me.
      Eff his birthday! He doesn’t deserve your thoughts, I’m sure.
      Stay strong.

    3. Don’t do it Kiki.
      I went through this a few months ago. As an empathic person, I felt I needed to do the ‘right thing,’ be the bigger person and wish him a happy birthday two weeks after he basically turned my world on its head. I expected him to graciously receive my greeting but instead he was cold and indifferent and I was furious with myself.
      I can’t speak from having a long relationship with the narc, but I understand the feelings of being forgotten and lost by him. It’s been a long road of trying to overcome these feelings and just let him go. My only advice is to stay close to the blog and keep reading. This is what keeps my ET under control and reminds me that the reason he does what he does, is because of what he IS. You know you’re better off without him. Don’t enter his spheres with a birthday wish, stay strong!

    4. You don’t sound pathetic! Please don’t get frustrated with yourself. It is easier to give advice and want the best for others than it is to apply for ourselves.
      Birthday = new life. Maybe his birthday this week will be a great milestone of a new life for you.

    5. 3 month is not a long time so don’t beat yourself up for the emotional thinking.

      As for wishing him a Happy Birthday, I had the same struggle, and I personally decided to maintain the No Contact and not wish them a Happy Birthday.

      For me personally I felt a lot of strength and self control having resisted the urge and it was a big milestone in my recovery.

      You DO NOT owe him birthday wishes. but if it happens… it happens. No need to hate yourself for reaching out.. but I would advise against it, and I guarantee you will feel good for it.

    6. You just wished him a happy birthday when you typed the above. He doesn’t need to know it.

      When you ignore him it will sting. And he will remember it. There is power in silence. Just look how well the silent treatment works on us.

    7. Kiki you don’t sound pathetic. We all go through our own ways and journeys towards ridding ourselves of the toxic spell that the narc has on us. It’s not pathetic that you give advice and help others when you yourself are in the middle of struggling. It just means that you are not self centered and you try to help despite the things that you yourself are trying to overcome. You are blessed with compassion and your own problems doesn’t stop you from caring about what other people are going through. For me, when ET is rising and the desire to reconnect is strong. I just tell myself to just do what HG says. No Contact. GOSO. Just do it MommyPino and don’t overthink. Actually don’t think. Just do it. Stay with GOSO. Someday the interest in that person will naturally not be there anymore. Out of sight out of mind.

      1. Thank you Ladies so much for all your warm helpful replies.
        I really appreciate it.
        I’m feeling stronger today I think! , sometimes it just creeps up on me.
        Yeah feeling like the kind person who can forgive and forget and send a birthday wish ,but really I think it’s my ET fooling me into trying to resume contact.
        I will stay strong Ladies no contact means no contact I trust everyone and HG on this .

        Thank you

        Kiki

  12. This article is so insightful, it really helps give the victim, or the Non-Narc back the power!!!!
    Thanks for all your hard work & insight

  13. This is one I know I will be reading multiple times when those thoughts pop in my head. I knew I had something to do with the constant rides on the merry-go-round. For me, I felt that there has to be a way to walk away with head held high and knowing that I allowed to be controlled where I chose; I didn’t only behave in a reactive way; and that regardless of what he did, I treated him like I would want to have been treated. Now this one has opened my eyes more.
    Maybe the self torture is part of why I subconsciously connected to devaluation in songs before experiencing it.

  14. Such a significant offering HG. Bitter medicine, but it’s acceptance essential. Thank you for the acknowledgement that we possess power and are not helpless victims by admitting that we play a role in the success of your kind. If we give it, so too can we take it away.

  15. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    Excellent writing, I have long since realized that the enemy is with me “Emotional Thought” more than my own narcissist.
    I, already said NO, NO MORE. to my addictive emotional thought of my narcissist. And my own narcissist.
    No, no more, they are few words but they are so healing, when comes the understanding of the whole process. When you recover your life, and the rest comes back to you. That you begin to believe and elevate yourself, without the need for any narcissist and be sure, this time I will not fall from above. Because nobody lifts me up, only myself. Of course this with your help, you taught me to fly and now I can do it by myself.
    Now, let my narcissist twist himself, seeing how I rise and fly away without worry and without remorse. On the other hand I think I spend a lot of energy on something not worthwhile, I prefer to live life happily and spend my energies on something that compensates me more … In myself.
    XXXX
    Kisses for everyone…..

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