The Doormat

 

the-doormat

 

The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.

Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?

  1. The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
  2. This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
  3. The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
  4. The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
  5. The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
  6. The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
  7. The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
  8. The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
  9. The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
  10. The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.
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16 thoughts on “The Doormat”

  1. Well said HG , you care for us readers in your own way .
    It is very nice to hear that .

    Kiki

  2. I am in the process of leaving and going no contact. I should probably get a consult from HG about how to do that. I was almost there and can feel the tendrils pulling me back in.

    The main progress has come through building my self esteem and surrounding myself with people who love me for who I am and validate that. Validating is key because unless I know I am loved unconditionally, I will believe it is only for the things I am doing. I have stretched myself by asking for more help. Being a ‘doormat’ is really at the core of everything for me. It is different from being a martyr. As HG said, it has the masochist trait of needing to feel sacrifice to measure that an act/duty was valuable. Accolades are nice and appreciated but not the main driver. I am surprised that I have been as successful in life as I have been and not self destructed.

    1. Olderandwisernow

      It’s wonderful to hear that you have people in your life that you can count on to help with the validation and recovery process. I believe a consult with HG will assist you with breaking the pull or addiction that is also required, attacking it from all sides. Best to you.

    2. That’s great, olderandwisernow, that you have recognized what you need to progress and have found it! It sounds like you have a great support system who will be wonderful when you are able to break from the tendrils. It sounds like you will have success in many areas of life through this progression!

  3. “They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role.” This describes me completely. I identified it in myself to some degree years ago, but it really was defined while with the Narc. Like you, I also had a MatriNarc and was conditioned the same way as your sister. I have worked with a therapist and believe I have made progress. Although work gets a lot of advantages from this, the Narc capitalized on it. Thank you HG for defining these personalities so well.

    1. That’s great that you worked with a therapist and are making progress for yourself! You are correct, not only narcissists will use the “doing” to their advantage even though most will not understand the underlying reason you are doing.
      Are you away from your narcissist? If you are, have you find ways to implement the progress?

  4. HG,
    Out of curiosity, why have you changed your twitter account? It’s now private with protected tweets and a new twitter name. I searched twitter using your previous twitter handle (@narcissist_me) and was surprised to see the words, “Sorry, that page doesn’t exist.”😳 …I thought, “what???!” Then I saw that you have a new twitter handle and your tweets are private.

    Also, why have you made your instagram private too?🔐

    1. 1. I have done it to protect legitimate readers from suffering harassment from certain individuals. Those who wish to view my work on Twitter (which is what is published here anyway) only need to follow me and voila they can see it.
      2. With regard to Instagram – see one above.

      I have created a constructive environment where sensible, intelligent individuals seek understanding and answers. I do not have the time or inclination to put up with attention-seeking idiots (namely Mid Range Narcissists) seeking to disrupt. Nor do I see why readers should have to put up with it either. I am sure you will recognise WN that I allow an exchange of views and ideas here, including those which criticise me. Nobody is attacked by me with insults or ad hominin savagery, but instead, as has ALWAYS been the case from day one, I will point out inaccuracy, I will invite people to provide actual evidence (rather than sweeping statements), I will invite considered observation based on actual information rather than generalised knee-jerk responses based on prejudice and a complete absence of evidence. By way of example (and there are others) SMH and Mona often disagree with me but they do so in a manner which is constructive and part of a sensible and respectful debate – not by flying in squawking, making a noise, shitting all around in a random, baseless fashion and then acting all hurt (oh I am being attacked!) when people actually (and entirely legitimately) disagree with that individual and do so based on evidence. For the avoidance of doubt WN, I am not at all suggesting you behave in such a manner, you do not, but we have seen occasional instances of it. I find it rather amusing (but entirely indicative of what those people are) when they arrive suddenly, attack me, attack my readers (and do so without evidence) and then have the audacity to complain when people stand up to this baseless behaviour AND do so using actual evidence. I see not reason why people who come here and want answers, want to discuss matters and want to learn from me as the best source of information have to put up with such behaviour. It’s disruptive, boring and always shows these people as precisely what they are.

      1. Thank you for your reply HG. I am sorry you have to waste your time with disrespectful people who detract from the quality and openness of what you are doing. I understand why you have done it though.

        1. Thank you WN. It is an unwelcome distraction and I prefer to channel my energies to answering questions from sensible individuals. You should see the nonsense that appears from certain individuals in my inbox as they try allsorts to get my attention! As I stated elsewhere WN, I regard you as a sensible contributor and you have underlined that.

          1. Thank you HG. It must be difficult for you to get so many comments, let alone have to constantly rise above the nonsense in your inbox. I can imagine the kinds of silly and also offensive things some people say. I respect and admire your patience and diligence very much for keeping this blog a pleasure to visit and learn from.

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