A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 34

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -STILL STANDING'S LETTER
Dear N..k,
If you are reading this, you know that I am gone.  This letter is somewhat special in the fact that as of this moment, I haven’t left you yet.  I am still stuck in the prison of my life living with you.  You see, I’ve been planning this escape for some time.   As you watched me drive away (notice I did not look back), I did have a few parting words that I wanted to say to you now.  Because I’m gone.  You will never have another chance at me.  You see, I have been grieving your death for a long time now.  As I drove away, it made it official.  You are dead to me.
I remember when we first met.  I was not looking for a relationship.  In fact I was quite down, going through my divorce.  I never expected to catch your attention.  You must have seen an easy target, I was in such a state of despair.  I thought you were most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.  I felt the chemistry immediately and after feeling dead for so many years, I suddenly felt alive again.  Those first 6 months were amazing.  I was caught hook, line and sinker.  Little did I know what that actually meant.
Here we are, almost 5 years later.  I have been living with you for almost two years now.  What a colossal mistake that has turned out to be.  Living in your house with your rules.  There is no where I can go on your property where I feel free anymore.
I was confused at how you started treating me.  I felt great one moment, and then I’d feel confused the next.  I didn’t understand your behavior, I didn’t understand your cruel, hurtful words.  You’d think that I would of got the hint to run then, but no, I stayed.  I couldn’t of left if I wanted to.  I remember thinking that I was addicted to you.  And addicted is exactly what I was.
I have allowed you exploit me financially, I have allowed you to cheat on me, I have allowed you to give me STDs, I have allowed you to verbally abuse me, I have allowed you to manipulate me.  I have allowed you to use me, I allowed you to blame me for every bad thing that was happening in your life.
What did I do?  How did I handle this situation?  I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings and my hurts, my frustrations.  Rather than leave, I tried harder to please you.  I tried to make it all better.  I tried to make you see that I loved you and was doing all I could to make you happy.  I was doing and doing and doing, for YOU.  I received scraps in return, that’s not being reciprocal in a relationship, that’s being lazy.  Still I gave.  Every sip I took, helped me to cope a little bit more so I could hang in there a little bit longer. Then one day, through my fog I realized the alcohol was getting me in an even deeper hole and that I had a choice to make.  And make one I did because I decided then that my desire to be free was greater than any sip of alcohol I took and my freedom was worth more than you.
I am sober now, have been for a long time.  My eyes are open, I am now facing every shitty thing you have done.  No more excuses, no more of your lying bullshit.  Because now, that God I worshipped, looks like a pathetic specimen of a nothing.  Pretty on the outside, but very ugly on the inside.
Your selfishness, your self satisfying ideals, your sense of entitlement, your belief that you are superior to everyone is sick. Your days when you feel like the victim, that I am responsible for everything you perceive as an insult by anyone, is so pathetic.  Inside, you’re as evil as they come.
You see, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let people down, I’ve made bad choices.  But I feel remorse, guilt, shame and disappointment.  You aren’t capable of feeling any of those things.  It’s really quite sad.
You think that others revere you.  But really, they just laugh at you behind your back.  When you are being boastful, you look really stupid. I am embarrassed for you.
Lets talk about your female friends. The ones you say aren’t your exes because they were never your girlfriends?  You contact them, they contact you.  You flirt with them.  You don’t tell me any of these things are going on.  But that’s not cheating right?  Me finding a female contraceptive wrapper in your house was someone planting it right?  That female never came over right?  You would tell these “friends” that you were using me for my money, or that I was only living with you because I couldn’t afford an apartment.  That’s quite contradictory isn’t it?  When I would confront you, you would say you didn’t do anything.  No you didn’t send that naked selfie either did you?
Funny funny shit right there.  You think I am dumb.  That I have not caught on.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are the stupid one in this duo.  You are the idiot.  Why, because I’m free mother fucker.  While you, you get to continue living as a soul sucking wraith, continually looking for victims.  You tried real hard to suck the life out of me, but I have proved to be a worthy opponent, haven’t I? You must be the confused one now when you are giving me the silent treatment and I just carry on as if you aren’t even there?  When you hurl those insults now, I just agree with you.  Isn’t it better that we finally have your “friends” out in the open? Since they are your friends, I am still waiting for the day we can invite them over for dinner, because that’s what people do with friends.  We spend time with them.  Are you getting upset when I tell you that I can’t lend you any money and no, I can’t pay that bill?  How much longer are you going to hang in there?
The love I felt for you is long gone.  It evaporated in a puff of smoke.  You can’t love a lie, you can’t love someone that isn’t real.
If you’ve even made it this far in the letter I’d be extremely surprised, because I know you’re texting others, looking for your next target or possibly an old one.  Poor things, I feel sorry for them and can only hope that they look past your dazzling looks and see through you.  Because you’re hollow and if you’re hollow, you’re nothing……
Good riddance,
Still Standing
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8 Comments

  1. I love, love, love this letter!

    I really need to get off my arse and write one. Reading them is so immensely cathartic…. I can’t imagine how much more cathartic writing one would be.

    Thank you Still Standing…. I’m not only standing, but I’m also starting to dance again….. freedom is a wonderful thing.

    Mai x

  2. “You think that others revere you. But really, they just laugh at you behind your back. When you are being boastful, you look really stupid. I am embarrassed for you.” BOOM.

  3. This letter seems valuable to the writer and maybe even to those who can relate to it. But sending it to the narcissist would suggest not fully understanding what a narcissist is. If sent, it would seems like an attempt to provoke some kind of emotional/remorseful response from the narc, which we know is impossible. It would just be a heavy dose of fuel, with the write saying “look at this massive effect you had on my life”. The letter is powerful and the writer clearly has been on a journey. But what would the writer want to gain from sending to the narc? There would be no shame/remorse/guilt or empathy – emotions which the letter appears to ask for, or which an empathic person would possibly respond with. So what would be the point? To let them know that they totally, well and truly made an impact on your life? The fuel with flow. And even although the writer is letting the narc know that they are moving on and learning, they are still showcasing that the narc is having an effect by prompting them to write a detailed letter.

    1. Interesting observations, Pheonix. Just to clarify, it is not impossible to provoke an emotional response from a narcissist (fury for instance is an emotion) but you are correct that provoking a remorseful (genuine) response from a narcissist is impossible.

      The purpose of this series was to enable people to gain a voice and write HERE what they want to write to the narcissist but have not/will not for a variety of reasons. This includes not doing so because they know the letter is fuel and thus they would not want to send it, but they still want the catharsis of articulating their feelings but in an environment where there is no adverse repercussion. That is part of what this place stands for – it is an environment where my readers are invited to express themselves because often they have either been unable to do so or doing so had an adverse consequence.

      Your observations though are largely accurate and it is useful for both you and other readers to see your commments in that regard.

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