Don’t Fail Me

dont

I have exacting standards. It is important to do so in order to achieve success and make my mark on the world. Owing to this, I hate being let down. If you tell me that we are meeting for lunch at 1pm then I expect you there at 1pm. Punctuality is the politeness of kings. If you are late you are telling me that you do not value my time. That is unacceptable. If you explain that you can deliver the product I want, the way I want it and in the colour I have chosen, I expect you to adhere to that. I am not interested in excuses. I will exert my influence as far as I can to ensure that what I have been promised is provided. I will cajole, coerce, persuade and harass to ensure the outcome is as was confirmed to me. Hotels, restaurants, shops, online providers, sporting venues, bars, people, products – all of them have been subjected to my precision and desire for high standards. I provide excellence in my profession (of course aided by a legion of underlings but it is at my direction).

Nobody likes to things to be wrong do they? Nobody wants a blue car when they asked for black. Nobody wants the wrong name or age on their birthday cake. I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people. That is a laudable sentiment. Should I fail to deliver on my promises then it will be because I have been let down first. I have an aversion to disappointment and my failing can only arise as a consequence of the neglect and negligence of another. Each and every day I strive to ensure that I am not left flailing in the wind, as dejection cuts through me as a consequence of having been let down. It cannot happen again.

Where does this demand for delivery and high standards come from? It comes from my dread and fear of being let down. I cannot stand it. It breaks me in two and rips open a wound that has never properly healed. Being let down undermines me, makes me feel unwanted, unnoticed and unappreciated. All things which are anathema to me. He let me down all those years ago. I relied on him. Well, we relied on one another. It was, or at least it was as I thought, an unbreakable bond. I looked to him and admired how he carried on, when all hope seemed to have gone. The towering waves of misfortune and misery would crash against him but he was always unbroken and unbowed. He said that he would always look after me. He told me that he would protect me against those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I knew the world was a dangerous place, a cruel domain which showed no mercy and took no prisoners. I had seen with my own eyes what this place had done and could do. I was under no illusion as to the harshness of the vagaries of treading along the mortal path. He listened to my hopes and fears and he understood them like no other. He made me feels safe and wanted. I hung on his every word, mimicked what he did and pledged my unswerving loyalty. He accepted my fealty with open, gracious arms and I fell into them, safe in the knowledge that nothing could tear us apart. He promised me that,

“I will never let you down.”

I still hear his voice saying those words. But he did. He left. He let me down.

6 thoughts on “Don’t Fail Me

  1. Bekah B says:

    “He let me down.”

    Are you referring to yourself in this one, HG?

  2. Lou says:

    Two things came to mind while reading this: 1) you mentioned in the thread of “Regrets” how your true self was let down by a “she” (probably your mother) and how narcissism arose in order to spare the false self from feeling vulnerable and lacking control. I wonder if this is the “he” you talk about here; your true and/or false self. 2) Your piece “You Said We Would Always Be Together”, where, again, you may be writing about your true self, (the original spontaneous self that felt alive) and your false self (vulnerable, behind a defensive façade).
    I can imagine there was indeed someone that was there for you when you were a child and left. I just think it could also be interpreted from the true/false self dichotomy.

  3. NarcAngel says:

    Reminds me of a point in conversation once with a Mid. By conversation I mean he was levelling an unfounded accusation at me.

    NA: You initiated this conversation and asked the questions but now you seem uncomfortable with my answers.
    MRN: You’ve made it uncomfortable and no one likes to be uncomfortable do they?
    NA: How? By answering honestly? They’re YOUR questions.
    MRN: (long silence)
    NA: (amused but relenting) I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.
    MRN: (turning abruptly and with dripping sarcasm in face and voice) Well no one ever MEANS to do they?

    I processed a bunch of emotions all in a few seconds. I wanted to tell him to fuck off and laugh all at the same time. The sheer audacity yet accuracy in his response was hard to argue, and the speed at which he changed gears from attacker to being the one let down made me marvel at his defence mechanism.

    1. Mercy says:

      NA, what stands out in this convo to me is your response “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable”. It’s the empath way. I catch myself doing this. Giving them a way out (even knowing they are wrong) and giving them an invitation to put blame on us. A normal would view this comment as a truce. A mid uses it as an escape.

  4. BlueMS says:

    A question please: You mentioned recently that empaths and narcs are conditioned to attract as two parts of one whole. Then, even if I manage to leave a narc partner, I will again be attracted to a narc. Looking back at my life – my best girlfriend since high school, my husband of 30 years, and then a 1.5 year boyfriend are all total narcs. It’s like you explain- I am definitely attracted to them. Is there any hope I will start getting attracted to a different kind of person?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello BlueMS, yes there is. I can assist you in achieving this.

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