Sounding Off

sounding-off

Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1.      Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2.      Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3.      Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4.      Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5.      To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6.      Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7.      The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of your will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8.      Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9.      Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the angry. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.

But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1.      Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2.      This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3.      If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4.      You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5.      We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6.      You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.

25 thoughts on “Sounding Off

  1. fauxfur5 says:

    Thanks HG I assume that the HEC isn’t being met as he cannot approach me in the social sphere for may reasons.. 1 being that his new IPPS now works behind the bar( the bar being the only place he ever sees me,unless he were to knock on my door) and 2 he would lose face in front of his friends. ie why would he even approach me if the things he’s said about me are true.. Also he never acted up in public only ever at his home. Therefore I feel that if he were ever to attempt a hoover it would be executed by other means which is why he is blocked completely..

  2. Joanne says:

    Ugh. For so long I struggled with the unfinished business, the need to understand, the need for closure, the need to convey my pain. Each of my attempts just ended in frustration, no closure, no understanding and met with complete indifference to my pain. Such a horrible feeling to have no resolution. I’m so glad to have left that behind, now that I KNOW. I’ve known what he is for some time now but my ET kept me wondering, lingering. It just does not matter anymore. I am 2 weeks NC now and I’m enjoying my own “thought fuel” in knowing I’m ignoring him. Whether or not that matters to him is irrelevant now.

  3. Claire says:

    This was me last October…Four months following his disengagement, with nothing from him but silence (and regular views on my business Facebook page, which I am fairly sure were him…), I went to his house one evening to talk to him. I’d had enough of feeling like I never got to say what I needed to because when I tried he deflected, denied, blame-shifted….and when I wouldn’t accept his point of view, he simply blocked me on Facebook. He kept me unblocked on the phone but would not reply to any messages. So I went and saw him and as calmly and unemotionally as I could I said what I needed to. He was very cold towards me at first but suddenly changed when I apologised for dumping his gifts to me on his driveway. Then he became very charming and chatty. It was astonishing how quickly I felt I was slipping back into my old role with him. I guess by the end of that meeting he felt he still had me – and he did, but then he made his mistake. When I got home I sent him a text, thanking him for hearing me out etc. No reply. That’s what finally flipped the switch in me. I blocked him and resolved not to fall for his provocation again. He tried to provoke me into contacting him. The page views were pretty much a daily occurrence for the next two months. He even liked then unliked my page on Christmas Eve. But I realised that he is only doing it to provoke me to contact so he can ignore me.
    Presumably in his mind he wins – he got all that fuel from me turning up and saying my piece. And from my positive response to his charming banter. He got to feel powerful when I sent him a text and he sent no reply. But I benefited too. I got to say things I really needed to, I got to witness how quickly he can change from one personality to another. I got the confirmation I needed that he is indeed what I have come to realise he is. And I found the strength to resist his provocations.

  4. Christopher Jackson says:

    Yes this is all true hg that’s why when you know you go I could tell with my narc that when I would speak my mind I could tell that it was self gratification for them because they liked they had the mind control

  5. Claire says:

    I just loved when I called him a premature ejaculator he said it was my fault! Like how could that be a negative if I could cause such a lack of control?! What a dumbass. I can’t believe this happened in my life. I’m dumbfounded.

    1. Christopher Jackson says:

      I understand fully ask myself this shit all the time on some days

      1. Claire says:

        I feel like it’s maybe a dissociative fugue and none of it is real.

    2. Mercy says:

      Hahaha Claire I hope you thanked him and did a little hair flip as you walked away.

      1. Claire says:

        It was via text. He makes me sick so I need my thinking fixed.

  6. Omj says:

    One thing though that is really cool of losing it with a Narc is that you can tell the most horrendous things , use the most poisonous combination of words to illustrate all of the above and somehow get away with it … Which you won’t ever be able to do with someone else.
    There is something liberating and a permission to jump all the rules that no normy would ever forgive us.
    Never my Narc came back to me with the words I used when I was angry or the names I called him etc because he enjoyed the fuel he did not fuss over my vocabulary.
    So yes it is not a good strategy… but boy …
    You can vomit all your life’s frustration over a Narc in a way only him will allow you to do.
    I did unload myself from a lot of shit that did not belong to him on him in impunity … at least he did not fuss over all the bad words as long as he got the fuel !!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is emotional thinking. It breaches the first golden rule of freedom OMJ. The fact that it feels good is the impact of the ET hijacking the narcissistic trait of pride and empathic trait of justice to encourage you to ignore the danger of such an action and also to encourage you to repeat it. Offloading in such a way towards the narcissist is a form of engagement. This means

      1. You provide fuel (which you have recognised) this is what we want. We are getting what we want. We win.
      2. You are providing challenge fuel. This challenge must be quashed. This means you will receive a manipulative response and there is a significant risk that it will be harmful to you.
      3. You are increasing your emotional thinking.
      4. You are not moving forward.

      These are four significant downsides.

      The upside? You momentarily feel good. This however is outweighed by the number and extent of the downsides.

      1. fauxfur5 says:

        I have never felt the urge to give him both barrels as I really don’t care to mirror another persons toxicity.He can keep that. My NC is exactly what it says on the tin 4 months in and still no hoover attempt despite being in the same social sphere. Surely if he knows there is no fuel to be had from me he will choose an easier source? I am perfectly pleasant to his new primary source also.as she is now working behind the bar of my local. I find the whole thing amusing tbh

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well done on achieving 4 months. If your no contact regime is solid then the narcissist will be forced to hunt elsewhere. Keep in mind that the narcissist is probably still within the golden period for a new IPPS and therefore the risk will increase in the future, so keep that no contact solid.

          1. fauxfur5 says:

            Thanks HG. He has no way of contacting me and I don’t acknowledge his presence when I see him around. He actually runs away now. Does he sense that he has no influence over my life now as his smear campaign hasn’t had the effect he hoped for?

          2. fauxfur5 says:

            Thanks HG. I Intend to do just that. I refuse to acknowledge his presence when I see him. He literally runs away now. Is this because he senses he has no influence on my life as his smear attempt has had zero affect on me because I haven’t avoided my local despite his nonsense?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            By ignoring you wound him. When he next runs into you, there is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are not met hence he does not hoover and indeed withdraws to instinctively avoid the risk of wounding. Precisely why the HEC are not being met I cannot state as I do not have enough information but they are not being met and thus he withdraws.

      2. Omj says:

        Brilliant HG !!!!! I wish I could have written your answer because it translates my thought and all your teaching . I know I know I am still entangled and I am sure this reminded you of my epic fight before I went NC last year.
        Thank you for this response I will print and read again !!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’re welcome.

    2. mai51 says:

      I understand what you’re saying OMJ, but I agree with HG.

      The first time I lost my cool with my ex was probably around 4 months into our affair. I knew I didn’t particularly like him, we had nothing in common, but the attraction was intense, the attention was much appreciated but there were so many annoying parts of him that were really starting to piss me off….. the catalyst was when he was trying to compare the complexities of his drug dealing with me running successful, multi faceted and very high turnover businesses…. he simply dismissed the fact that I was very good at juggling high stress, very able to multi task and more than able to work 70 hour weeks.

      The lack of respect I had for him, which I was trying to hide for selfish reasons came out…. he’d been pushing too many buttons for too long…. and I just saw red and exploded. A lot of things came out of my mouth and he was so taken aback…. he was still love bombing me and hadn’t pinned me down yet…. I could see he looked hurt, but I could also see that he was pleased I’d lost my composure and showed him a side he could use in the future.

      That tirade changed everything! It actually set the stage for the next crazy making 2.5 years…. I was more hooked than I realised and it also broke down the boundaries for him…. it made it a lot easier in the future to get me become crazy and fight back verbally. It’s literally insane going into a verbal, toxic, name calling battle with a narc, bc they don’t feel a single arrow or bomb you’ve launched at them…. except to feel contempt.

      I knew deep down that what we had was a toxic mess, but I got addicted to the drama, the highs and lows and labelled it as “passion”.

      Three years of bullshit is more like it.

      However, it’s hard to control emotional thinking and install logical thinking when you haven’t identified what you’re dealing with.

      And then by the time you’ve identified it…. well….. way too late for this rodeo….

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Very well put.

        1. mai51 says:

          Well put that I agree with you HG? 🙂 …. or that it was three years of bullshit?

          Urghh….going through a “ My emotional thinking is winning “ stage at the moment….. flying to his hometown still can trigger me, unfortunately.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Your comment as a whole.

      2. Omj says:

        The energy of your response just plunge me back into my epic texts vomits !!! I can relate to what you wrote so well … knowing this is not normal and that it will bring us down but going anyway or going anywhere… 🙂

        1. mai51 says:

          Ha! Yes, exactly. I can be a bit of a hothead, but he really bought out some bad qualities.

          Whenever we disagreed on a topic he would always make it so damn personal….. we’re disagreeing on, say climate change and he would start commenting on what a self righteous left wing pathetic hippie I was…. or some such nonsense…. you’re a piece of shit was a common response.

          The concept of playing the ball, and not the man was entirely foreign to him.

          It was seriously crazy…. not to mention hurtful, disrespectful and humiliating.

          1. Omj says:

            I did a lot of texts binging with him … was going on and on … when I read them … yikes … does not look good. He could definitively show it to a third party who would say I am crazy !!

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