The Narcissist and the Power of Pain
My mind has always applied itself to how I can exert control over other people. I understand now that it commenced doing this unconsciously, that is the very nature of narcissism. However, I also gained an awareness of how fundamental power is to me, how I need it, how I want it and how I can use it. I recognised that having power made me feel powerful, immense, gargantuan in presence and application and that I could not stand to be without it. Of course this all stemmed from my utter need (like all of my kind) for control at all times. I did not know of this particular need initially.
It is clear I developed an unconscious need for control and power. Unlike most of my kind, this then evolved into a conscious need for control and power and thus allied with a natural lack of empathy, immense intelligence and sadistic streak I took notice of the ways in which I could actively and purposefully achieve control and power.
This control had to be over everything – the environment around me and of course that meant the people within that environment.
I had to control people. I absolutely had to.
By applying control I get them to do what I want and this will enable me to obtain fuel from them. I witnessed at an early stage the power of pain and this formed in my mind an indelible reason to utilise it in order to gain and maintain control.
I do not recall precisely how old I was but I do recall that I had not yet started secondary school so I must have been under the age of twelve. There was a group of us children that played together and it was during a particular summer that we had been engaged in some kind of game in the fields near to where we all lived. The fields and the small river which ran through them with the occasional copse made for an exciting environment in which we could play out invented games. From battles between armies, to tales of fantasy involving orcs and elves through to pretending to be astronauts on an undiscovered planet, we made full use of the space that we were afforded.
I recall that one hot afternoon we had been engaged in a game which involved a battle and one of our group, a boy called Jonathan had been the general. He was not very good and he had made a series of stupid decisions that meant our side lost the battle. I was determined not to lose the war and I proposed that I should now be the general and it should be me who organised our troops. He was a whiny child who began to bleat about how I was often the general and it was his turn today. He explained his turn was to last all day. I grew irritated by his desire to remain in place as the general and a calamitous one at that. How dare he assume the mantle of greatness when it was patently clear that he was not up to the task? How dare he lead us to slaughter and defeat? I was not happy but despite my protests he would not stand down. The other side had long since departed across the other side of the fields and were awaiting the shot for battle to be joined. Our troops had been dispatched to various locations leaving just Jonathan and I at the rear. I was furious with him. My rage at his idiocy was burning inside of me and as he stood on the rock from which the general always directed our troops, since it afforded a good view across the meadow I moved besides him. With a violent shove I pushed him from the rock and he fell into a clump of stinging nettles that had grown next to the rock. He howled in pain as the first stings took effect and wearing a t-shirt and shorts, his exposed limbs and face fell prey to the vicious stings of the nettles. He cried out and jumped up trying to move free of the nettles but as he neared the edge I gave him another shove and sent him tumbling back into the midst of them causing him to cry out again. With tears streaming down his face and arms showing the welts from the repeated stings he tried to emerge again and once more I pushed him back into the stinging nettles. I did this again and then once again until with face red and swollen he decided against trying to get past me and stumbled through the nettles, wincing and whimpering as he took another route. I watched him leave until all that could be heard was his juddering sobbing. I climbed onto the rock and from there took control of our troops and directed them to a stunning victory.
Jonathan’s father later attended at our house. I saw him striding up the path with Jonathan in tow, his father incandescent with anger. I stood at the top of the stairs and listened as he thundered and shouted but he did not breach our porch. My mother barred his way and I could not hear her voice but I knew that she would be keeping him in his place with her steely tones and flinty looks. Eventually Jonathan and his father walked away back down the path and I watched their family retreat for the second time that day.
There was no punishment from my mother. Nothing was said to me at all. In her usual fashion she had dealt with the matter. I know not what she said but she made no mention of it to me. This was her way of dealing with such matters.
I continued to play with the group and with Jonathan. Every time he looked at me I could see the pain in his eyes just as I had that day when I had pushed him repeatedly into the stinging nettles. He never asked to be general again and was always the first to suggest that I be appointed as leader of our troops. He had experienced pain doled out by me and he knew what to do thereafter. I also knew what power could be derived from such pain. It was a lesson in learning an instrument of manipulation.
I was learning. Pain equalled power.
I was finally righting the wrongs and power was THE instrument by which this would be achieved.
13 thoughts on “The Narcissist and the Power of Pain”
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“My mother barred his way and I could not hear her voice but I knew that she would be keeping him in his place with her steely tones and flinty looks. Eventually Jonathan and his father walked away back down the path and I watched their family retreat for the second time that day.
There was no punishment from my mother. Nothing was said to me at all. In her usual fashion she had dealt with the matter. I know not what she said but she made no mention of it to me. This was her way of dealing with such matters.”
Children learn from their parents’ behaviour. Your Matrinarc was (indirectly) teaching you how to keep the upper hand and get away with it. I have witnessed different narcissist mothers do something similar. They protect their child, even when they know they are the perpetrator. They also teach their child to deny when confronted with the truth and to always blame other people.
I would say HG I am in tears laughing at this shit it took me about ten mins to read it lmao thanks for sharing this was by far the most HILARIOUS one yet!! Good one hg do you still keep in touch with Johnathan?
Christopher Jackson
The not so empathetic side of me thought of a Jonathan that would deserve to be pushed repeatedly into stinging nettles……I had to settle with shooting him in the throat with a paintball at roughly 10 feet away. He deserved it he shot me in the forehead and laughed…..I do have a mean streak running through me at times.
“I do not recall precisely how old I was but I do recall that I had not yet started secondary school so I must have been under the age of twelve.”
I was much younger when I was becoming aware of my surroundings and those within it, the energy everything holds.
You and I look at power differently and use it in different ways yet both of us are far more “powerful” then those like us.
Yes I did say I am more “powerful” then other empaths yet not in the same way nor meaning the way HG uses power.
My awareness of nature began when I was very young. Nature first, then people, then places lastly objects. I began honing my abilities due to curiosity and my survival instinct.
This also brought up a memory i had of my childhood. I had two guy friends on our street when i was about 10. One was a geeky boy who was whiney and deathly afraid of blood. He passed out seeing his own during a nosebleed. The other was one who was the so called cool boy on the street. I remember one time he was being mean and teasing my other friend and at the time i had found it funny. He started to cry and had said he was going to get his dad. We ran back to his house and hid upstairs peeking out the upstairs window. Sure enough him and his dad walked over rang the bell and the teasers dad answered downstairs. Wed not told his dad about the teasing but i remember overhearing and the dad tore a strip off the concerned dad. I remember seeing the dad leave with my geeky friend and felt bad. I also remember feeling uneasy with the teaser friends dad bc he basically lied and didnt acknowledge his sons bad behaviour. I was relieved we didnt have to face the geeky friends dad but also i felt guilt. I feel even more guilt looking back as a parent myself and sad that i was a part of that. That poor dad stood up for his son and im sure felt awful not being able to do anything 🙁
So often this happens with bullying in the school system and it all starts at home. If theres no discipline from the parents then the school and law enforcement can only do so much.
My daughters friend was being cyber bullied and law enforcement was called and a strict warning was given along with a suspension from the school but after the bully was back they had not learned any lesson bc they were laughing about it and making smart alec comments. Fortuneately theres an ongoing file and additional charges can be persued if it starts up again which it hasnt thankfully.
I often wonder what the parents are like of these bullies and their home life and knowing what i do know about personality disorders ive come not to expect too much in the way of any sort of discipline.
The police officer involved did apparently put the fear into the bully by showing up unannounced in the wee hours of the morning and letting them know about the file and the fact they can have charges brought up and end up with a criminal record. They are starting to take online bullying more seriously but have a long ways to go.
A bit off topic but this reminded me of bullies out there and not always do they get away with it. The real blame imo are the parents its up to them to implement strict consequences of bad behaviour. All too often they do the opposite and encourage it bc they view it as strength to bully and power. These bullies can end up future criminals.
Hi Chihuahuamum,
I have submitted a comment without reading yours. I agree with you that bullying starts at home. I do not believe that there is something wrong with their genes. I have seen that their behaviour is learnt and they become worse with time after having practiced how to manipulate and abuse others for years. They continue doing it at work or in the community. I remember one of them at school. She was only five or six years old when she started. She had two targets in our class. She left when she was 8. She taught me how to behave towards a mutual friend who was going to visit me on the next day. My in-laws used to do that too. Bullies tell those near to them what to do to their victim. I heard that women bullying is known as Relational Aggression.
‘Father, father, where are you going
O do not walk so fast.
Speak father, speak to your little boy
Or else I shall be lost,’
“It is clear I developed an unconscious need for control and power. Unlike most of my kind, this then evolved into a conscious need for control and power and thus allied with a natural lack of empathy, immense intelligence and sadistic streak I took notice of the ways in which I could actively and purposefully achieve control and power.”
Did you swipe this from Mein Kampf?!
No. There’s never been a struggle.
Both comments made me laugh out loud
I thought this was the one where your mother had told you not to leave any evidence. That must be another episode then, with another child.
Oh honey…your mentally ill mother was probably proud of you. Do you remember many years ago those two English boys that kidnapped a three-year-old boy from the mall, dragged him around town and finally killed him by the railroad tracks by throwing bricks at his head?
This experience with cruelty likely colored that boys whole life just like it colored yours. You think he learned his lesson with you, but you did not learn your lesson with him. That was an opportunity for you to use your tremendous intelligence and strategic skill to lift someone else up. Had you done that, you would have had a lieutenant for life, and not one who was broken and beaten, but one who was capable and flexible. He would have enhanced you all of your life.
Your thoughts about it don’t matter, your lack of empathy doesn’t matter. There is right and wrong, and we all have to choose right over wrong even when we don’t want to or see why, and even when it might not benefit us. You missed an opportunity to have real adoration and power over someone whose magnificent maleness you helped to create. Instead your choice brings to mind two psychotic boys who willfully murdered a baby.
It’s not too late. I forgive you for harming that boy and missing out on something incredible. The creator is the one with power, love. Please do better.