A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 41


Now I understand who you truly are I can honestly say I don’t give a shit about you. I once adored you, believed in you and defended you. I gave you the perfect family life and great kids – made you look so good to the outside; a real social justice, feminist, family man. But then you kept screwing the young women at work; you are a hypocrite. I could not accept the pity plays you made of your childhood abuse as an excuse any longer; did that even happen? I would not put it past you to lie about that too. You knew you were torturing me and you let yourself keep doing it. I gave you a choice; you chose to leave, even though you told the kids I’d thrown you out. Straight away I started picking up the pieces. I changed your photo on my phone to one of a dog turd. I have given you enough of me and you will get no more. I haven’t looked back.

The hard part is coming to terms with the one sidedness of the marriage; that I gave so much and what I didn’t give, was stolen from me. I was giving based on assumed mutuality, thinking that that is what one does in a marriage. The betrayals stripped me of the trust I had in that sense of mutuality and left me feeling incredibly exploited and not knowing how to be. Not trusting myself. A total obliteration, as is said, of my sense of self.

And in my case the betrayal goes deeper than for others because I was asked to accept a flawed narrative, ie that you were remorseful about the first affair, had learned from it and were deeply committed to the marriage. So I subjugated myself to that new narrative 10 years ago, having experienced the first obliteration, only to be exponentially obliterated again by the next one.

As the counsellor told us, you are a cruel man. You totally controlled the narrative for both of us and knew it was a sham but wanted/needed me to believe in it until it suited you to move on. Dare I say I suspect you enjoyed knowing I was being duped by your infidelities. You got some weird buzz out of being in control; it’s really sick actually.

This is the gaslighting. You acted like there was nothing wrong and told me to have faith in that narrative; all along enjoying watching me being played. It is hard to come back from that.

On so many levels, knowing you are a narc helps a lot.

There are no mitigating excuses for this. You constructed a fake facade, worked so that I trusted it and was made to feel safe and therefore allow myself to be vulnerable. And then you totally betrayed my vulnerability. You completely exploited the trust I had in you. You used my trust as a weapon, as power over me, to abuse me with.

You work in social justice and family violence to protect children. You know about power and the inappropriate use of power – you lecture people on it. There was a massive power differential between us because you knew what you were doing and I did not. And you do the same in your infidelities, by screwing younger women who are junior work colleagues. If only your work really knew what you are…..

Based on the fake narrative I was presented with and accepted and was expected to accept, on the basis that it was mutual, I gave generously of myself and was totally scammed.

My job now is to explore why I became vulnerable to it and to learn what healthy relationships are. I am rebuilding my identity. I am teaching the kids to decide for themselves what your motives are, and to not automatically accept what you say. A good lesson for life, sadly one needed for the person they should be able to trust. It is not hard to teach them because they know what you are. They worked you out before I did – they confronted you with your infidelity first.

You use the constructed narrative of the father kept from his kids as another pity play – nothing to do with me, they just don’t trust you; they know you well.

Life is vastly brighter now and includes many more contented moments than ever before. I now experience regular joy; joy from the things you used to shut down in me. There is still much pain because of what you stole from me, my trust, my self-belief, 20 years of my younger self, but I know I am so much better off without you in my life. I smile to myself knowing you are somewhere else being toxic. I don’t miss you because I know that is all you can be; toxic. So long as you do it somewhere else. You are irredeemable, unfixable and someone else’s problem now. Enjoy.

2 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 41

  1. lisk says:

    “a real social justice, feminist, family man”


    I read or heard somewhere (I think it was an Arab-Australian narc guy on YouTube who said it) that intense social justice folks are Major Narcs. And I believe it.

    I also NEVER trusted men who took Women’s Studies classes in college. What a great venue for learning how to say all the right things to get into someone’s pants or up someone’s skirt . . . or whatever feminists are wearing nowadays.

  2. Veronique Jones says:

    A couple of days ago I witnessed an argument between two people who I’m pretty sure had been picked against each other by my former narcissist it was actually quite disturbing to watch two people have a go at each other over something so petty a supposed preferential treatment they don’t know what he is,I didn’t tell them there’s no point while they have him on his pedestal they wouldn’t believe it even if they saw it I’m so glad I’m awake to what he is still have a sense of loss but I don’t want him back around I still get the occasional dirty look but mostly he just avoids being around where I am this is the situation I cannot leave but it’s not an Intimate primary source relationship And he has a lot of people he can get Fuel off so I don’t have really that much fear of him coming around and hoovering me not in the way that I would be worried about anyway I think we are secondary sources because we’re not strangers and he is definitely someone who will be in my life persay for the rest of it but it is infrequent anywhere between once a month to once every three months and only for short periods I’m actually surprised he got as vicious as he did with me I don’t know what it was the day I met him I thought he was a narcissist and he was particularly interested in getting my attention I rejected him through the golden period I also chastised him for humiliating me I was so hurt by the sudden change in this man and I felt so stupid for not listening to myself I am a super empath So in the malignant hoovering started on fought back he tried everything in his power to actually get rid of me other than kill me threatened it though this man has a legal obligation to keep me alive and is the only person in the state where I live . I stand a very very real risk of getting very sick Or even dying without them What he did to me was in immoral unethical and legal. Still unsure as to whether or not he’s a greater Or an upper mid-range but he’s definitely a narcissist there are those that know his behaviour is bad and they just back him Originally I argued with this man because he hurt me After I said my peace I was actually gonna let it go but that just seem to make him worse and then it becomes something much larger than that what if you did it to someone weaker than me Thankfully it’s all stopped Considering how out of control it got I’m pretty sure the Hoover bar is quite high he knows I’m not week now or stupid A lot of the overs were done by people he knew most of them actually I don’t think he’s got that much control over his fury and I assume he needs to keep face so he will start doing the right thing acting as if it’s choice on his part because he such a great guy but it’s really because he has to Today I actually feel sad I wish I didn’t know what I do what he is, it will keep me forever on my guard I have been thinking a lot about my reactions and you’re right HG Everything I do is based on emotional thinking even when I logically looking at stuff there’s still a part of me when I don’t want to admit to that want that back that wants to be oblivious like the rest of them are I’m not jealous that they have him in their life I’m jealous that they have that ability to only see the good in him where as I got a bit closer than most I allowed myself to let him in I usually don’t he did the one thing I don’t expect narcissist to do and that show humilityAnd I fell for it that’s why I’m not sure if he’s a greater or not for a narcissist that would have to be preplanned they don’t have humility I usually don’t do that with anyone not sure if I can anymore

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