Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist
The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded. Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?
When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –
- If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
- If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
- Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
- Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
- Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.
Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.
- If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
- We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
- We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
- The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.
In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.
Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.
In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.
There are three points to bear in mind.
The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.
The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.
The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.
Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,
“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”
8 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist”
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Bekah B
If you are no contact, then how did you know that he had gotten off the train in the past two hours? And, how did you find out about the return trip? Go to YouTube and listen to: No Contact? No It’s Not! parts 1 and 2
He is going back to his IPPS because she is the main provider of fuel, traits and residual benefits. You ignored him so he was probably wounded. No one knows what’s happening in his fuel matrix except for him and he will stay with his IPPS as long as it suits his purposes to do so. You did not miss an opportunity to gain knowledge because you are NC and you are not supposed to be communicating with him at all.
For the past 7 months, he has had a new IPPS so that indicates that he has disengaged and you have been deleted. You are persona non grata and it looks like you were pestering him in the past so he maligned hoovered you. Read the link below. Your ET is off the charts and he will be back.
https://narcsite.com/2019/06/18/5-common-no-contact-mistakes-no-4-the-need-to-sign-off-9/
Hey K,
This is such a late reply, but I’m just now seeing that you commented on this post back in June..
The thing is my ex has a prepaid debit card that is his one and only way of receiving and spending funds, since he cannot open an actual bank account due to bad credit and misuse of accounts he has had in the past.. This card was established back in 2018 when I filed his 2017 Federal tax return.. Being as though I did that and ordered this card for him, everything was set up through my email account and cell phone number so I could properly file the return.. However, once he received the card and used it ever since, he had never removed my email address or phone number as recovery items to log into the prepaid app associated with his card.. (we have since gotten that all squared away at the end of July this year).. So, with my phone number associated with his account back then, I was able to view all of his transactions.. And after realizing his patterns over the duration of time he traveled every month to go see his IPPS for 3-7 days in a row, I concluded he always took the same train route and would arrive back to our town in South Carolina roughly around the same time of evening.. So the combination of transactions over that weekend and his patterns verified for me that had just arrived back to SC on June 2..
I was able to conclude he did not go back up to Virginia following the in-person hoover attempt at my residence—there was a transaction that occurred on the train the previous day that just didn’t post until the following day (when I posted the comment on this post).. And I never did confirm what was happening in his fuel matrix, because as you said, no one ever knows for sure, except him..
I realize now I was not full and total No Contact.. Perhaps I never have been.. With my email address and phone number connected to his prepaid debit card account throughout my entire pregnancy, I was always tempted to be a “truth seeker” and sought to maintain some type of connection to and knowledge about his life, his movements, his activities, etc. by monitoring his transactions.. I realize this was feeding my addiction and probably that is why it is sooo hard to let go now, as if I haven’t made any progress at all.. I know I can’t do that now because it is unhealthy and it is simply not helping me, whatsoever..
Still, I ponder about this day and have mentioned it in my ‘Letter to the Narcissist’ because, honestly, it was the last time I feel like he made an attempt to reach out to me with purpose.. There was a huge risk in just showing up unannounced like that at my residence and he took it, which I still consider a *huge* thing for him—he was always so entitled, yet extremely vulnerable to rejection that he would NEVER make a grand, sweeping gesture as this without knowing for sure we were in a good spot (and we obviously were not).. My emotional thinking leads me to believe I may have made a mistake in not allowing myself, at the very least, to go downstairs, open the door and look him in the face, asking him why he was here.. But I know it’s the ET that keeps me stuck.. Sometimes I wish I could give up a little of this core part of me so I could trade it in for some rationale.. But then I know I wouldn’t be me anymore and would probably be heartless..
Hello Bekah B
You didn’t have to explain or justify anything to me regarding NC, however, it’s a good example of your truth seeker trait coming to the fore.
More often than not, we are not true No Contact and that’s why it’s very important to keep reading the articles because it takes time to get your ET under control and establish the proper NC/low contact regime.
His attempt to reach out to you “with purpose” was a hoover and he did it for fuel. You made the right decision by ignoring it, although your ET is telling you otherwise.
You don’t have to give up your emotional core. That’s where your humanity lies and that’s a good thing; hold on to that part of yourself and never let it go. However, recognize that there are others out there who will take advantage of you because of your kindness and empathy. That’s where the rationale comes into play. Your ET is running the show and it’s steering you directly towards the narcissist.
Focus on balance. Stay here and read and keep reading until you get your ET under control. It really works.
Magnificent work here, marvellous HG. A question: does a narc ever make long-term relationships with anyone he’s not blood-related to?
All our relationships are long-term ; they last until either you die or we die.
Ha, ha, a good one. As a chance of hoover never dies
Thanks again HG I have learned so much from you 🙏
Calling all Tudorites’, (and especially our moderator, HG’s) assistance with an analysis of my most current circumstance..
As you all may know, I am expecting the second child of my MMRN.. I have not contacted him since March 22.. On that night, I sent a “sign-off” text message, letting him know I know about his current IPPS and I wish him all the best from here on out.. He did not respond, as I expected him not to, and I only know of him making two more contact attempts since—one in April, which was a malign hoover text message expressing he “could care less” about God knows whatever question he believed I asked him through an anonymous channel on Facebook.. (I did not ask him anything); and the other attempt in May on our daughter’s birthday.. (however, I blocked his call).. I am 73 days strong in NC.. However, last night, I heard several “ticks” on the windows of my living room in my upstairs apartment.. My daughter was actually the one who alerted me to what was going on.. And when I peered out the window blinds, very briefly, I saw her father, downstairs throwing rocks up at the window.. I do believe he saw someone peer out the blinds.. But as soon as I realized it was him, I backed away and just retreated to the back of my home, keeping quiet for the next hour or so..
I do believe he was wounded by my non-acknowledgement.. I have all of the reasons in the book to no longer have contact with him, the major one being the fact that he abandoned me while I am pregnant now.. But even still, I was not about to acknowledge him or let him upstairs because I knew he had *just* returned to town, coming from spending the weekend with his IPPS in Virginia.. Like ugh!! He had just gotten off the train within the past two hours.. So just… NO… Ya know? I was pretty anxious for the rest of the night, but I was able to quell that with constant self-validation in making the right decision.. He does not deserve my acknowledgement or to have access to me and my daughter, given his treatment and callous discard of us during this very delicate time.. I’ve been reveling in this thought all day, feeling very self-assured, confident, and downright proud of myself..
… BUT…
I just recently found out that he is now back on the train.. And my guess is he is going right back where he came from—to Virginia to be with his IPPS.. Now I am confused and anxiety and self-doubt is surging within me.. Why is he going back there? Did I significantly wound him to where he had to go back and be with his “saving grace” to lap up her fuel and address this wound? Or did he initially have a squabble with her and last night sought to hoover me to heal that wound, and when discovering I am no longer of access, decide to go back to her? How long will he be up there now? Did I miss an opportunity to gain some knowledge about what is going on and has been going on with him for the past 7 months? I just don’t know.. Please help!!