Here He Comes Again



The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –

  1. A method of contact;
  2. A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)

We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.

The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.

You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Words reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.

25 thoughts on “Here He Comes Again

  1. santaann1964 says:

    This post was a God send. Mr.H you truly have no idea how you have been sent to all of us!!!!! Do you?

  2. santaann1964 says:

    I’ll say it’s like a Stephen King horror. Indeed the only Narc I will have in my life is Mr. H. Because of H , I will welcome my Narc. I’m actually waiting for the idiot. I’m so ready! He’s planning his grand entrance and I’m one step ahead of him. I’m safe now Mr.H. He will not get an ounce of fuel from me. Emotional less. 😂

  3. Danielle says:

    Your insights and talents might be put to an intriguing new use. Perhaps you would be interested in enhancing your fame, status and even legacy by consulting with an American political organization which must become educated in how to respond to and anticipate certain narcissistic behavior from an opposing entity. Worthy of your consideration?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed it is worthy of my consideration.

  4. Danielle says:

    Towards ease in identifying the upper elite, upon reflection, would you say that your characteristic lip smacking while talking would be a give-away? It does wreak of haughty self-righteousness in almost a stereotypical fashion….

  5. Donna says:

    My divorce is going through court tomorrow, its a joint application so no need to attend. This last week, I have experienced what I believe to be a hoover but a very unusual one…in my opinion a pointless one… I’m no contact and have been for 2 plus years now (apart from lawyer interactions etc) with a domestic violence police order in place.

    The first text I received I knew instantly it was him – gut feeing. With each following text, I am further convinced it is him. I am not giving him the fuel he so desires, by responding or even calling the number to check who answers….but I am interested in your take, HG.

    The texts are from a mobile number, pretending to think I am a manager of this supposed persons shop…there’s lots of little hooks of pity in there – illness, need help etc. I believe all of this information is designed to ensure I text back to say ‘you have the wrong number” because that is what an empath would do, worried that this poor person is going to experience issues from me not responding

    I am guessing the divorce is on his mind, he’s feeling pushed into a corner and I was thinking he is either hoping to engage in an anonymous banter with me by text, or wanting to feel superior that he has “tricked” me – what POSSIBLE fuel is he getting from this???

    A lot of these behaviours just don’t make any sense…but they do on this forum, so return we do, for advice! Great divorce package by the way HG – gleaned some valuable information. thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thought Fuel from imagining your reaction and attempting to obtain Proximate Fuel by causing you to respond direct to him.
      Glad you found the Divorce Package useful, it is a platinum-clad package of information and tips.

  6. Tizzzi says:

    Hello HG,
    I was just wondering, why not to say hello wearing a smile and acting as if he cares instead of acting indifferent IF the aim is to establish a new contact with “ex victim”? This method used by narcissists could be read as indifference from an ex victim and she will have her answer, she will see that he doesn’t care and say to herself “i was right he has no affection at all!”. Using this method narcissists expose themselves.
    Plus, when the victim doesn’t react at all do you feel she doesn’t have fuel to give and you forget about her in a moment? Or do you feel enraged by her strenght?
    Hope you answer.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      His narcissism may not be operating as effectively as it might be. Remember, the narcissist’s narcissism is highly effective but not always 100% accurate in the way it causes the narcissist to function.
      The narcissist does not know he needs fuel, therefore doesn’t think that the victim does not have fuel to give. Instead the failure ot react (and remember people often given fuel when they do not realise) will cause wounding and will result in the ignition of fury.

  7. DoForLuv says:

    I didn’t contact him after he tried to hoover me last week outside when he was so loud screaming my name and have that little conversation . I walked past him while he was in his car but I was with my Mother the next day he sists on that porch . I haven’t contacted him I don’t want too I get annoyed when I see him . But my defences are defiently low because I thought he was done for now . Yikes !

  8. DoForLuv says:

    He is doing this now . He just sits on the porch at someonelse house nearby my new house . I did the same any way like I didn’t see him either . The next day the person who lives at the place where my narc ex was at runs after me trough another alley looks at me but I kept staring at my phone acting like I didn’t notice this is all so odd to me .

  9. Debs says:

    Also he said sorry today but it is not real! Don’t ever fall for the sorry to hoover you in they are not sorry it is a word it means nothing to them. Read between the lines mixed amongst the I’m so sorry is the pity play the I am a bad person, everyone must hate me crap and then the coup de grace manipulating you by doing the opposite of what you asked knowing it will hurt you, knowing you’ll be sat at home confused, hurt and in limbo. It also about control. He has got a years worth of fuel out of me today because I was stupid and made the fatal mistake of breaking NC. As HG says the apologies are a way of luring you back in everything a narcissist does is for fuel to get a reaction good or bad it gives them power. Stay no contact regain the power for you

  10. Debs says:

    Hi all

    I had this benign hoovering in the form of stalking. Driving round where I live, the area where I live and also getting emails – couldn’t contact me as I’d blocked his number but he got though on email until I figured out how to block that as well!

    Please everyone stay no contact. I made the mistake today of unblocking my ex to get my things back off him. Worst thing I could’ve done. He replied pretty much instantly surprise surprise and I got the I am so busy for next 2 months but of course I’ll sort this for you and I’m so sorry for hurting you I am such a bad person I beat myself up everyday over what I did to you and I’m sure everyone hates me for it blah blah blah.

    It successfully hurt me, showed me he still retains the power to manipulate and control me and also confirmed to me once again the true evil I am dealing with.

    I also have things of his which after he tried to kill me in his car in a rage he was desperate to get back he couldn’t live without them end of the world bullshit. Now he doesn’t care about these things and why because he knows having his things here means he takes rent free space in my head, it causes me pain, he gains fuel and by not allowing me to get my things back from him he retains the ultimate power and control over me.

    A successful job well done by my ex narcissist today and more fool me for breaking no contact today to try and allow myself to heal by breaking the final bind that ties us together still. Possessions.

    Listen to HG when he says go true no contact. Block block block everywhere. I made the mistake of breaking it today not because I want my ex back not because I miss him but because I was trying to regain power of myself by not having anything tying me to him anymore. It was a big mistake. As HG says you are bound forever it’s never over until one of you dies. Strong words but it is true I’ve seen this today. I know with certainty if I’d believed his I’m busy for two months every minute every day bullshit today then in two months I’d contact him again to have him do the same thing again over and over again. Why because he can because it’s his instincts and defence mechanisms from his disorder kicking in.

    I would never have believed that he was a narcissist but he was and is and I have experienced first hand the touch of the devil that’s the only way I can describe it. No contact!!! Close the available doors that are still open, don’t let a Hoover in. Cut all ties and heal one day at a time it is hell, a hell we never had any choice in being put in but we do have the choice to pull ourselves out. I know that’s what I am working on every day one step at a time. Please do not make the mistakes I did today. I cannot tell you how awful it has made me feel

    Not only that I know the stalking will come back in force again as I said NO today. It will cause a rage and now I will be looking over my shoulder for a long time yet again because to gain control back the only way he can do it is to stalk and give me fear that way with a benign hoover.

  11. Korova says:

    Hello HG.

    My question is – If you are dating a mid range narcissist and afrer a few golden weeks (sex included) he starts fights, manipulations, triangulations (flirting with other women), projecting and silent tratments (mainly because you do not do what he wants you to do, not because he has someone new already – it looks like he is trying to make you “love him more”) is it devaluation? And if you do not contact him during silent treatments and pretend to move on, after a few weeks he hoovers you with undying love confessions, pretending it was just a regular misunderstung between two lobing people – does he really thinks he is again “in love” with you at this point and he truly wants to make it work this time or is it just an ego thing and he wants to prove himself you will come back but aoon after all the problems will come up once again?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are an IPSS and these are Corrective Devaluations which arise because the narcissist feels a slip in control over you and therefore doles the CDs out to assert control.

  12. Claire says:

    Would being vomited on by someone’s disgust at you be wounding or challenge fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Challenge Fuel.

      1. Lorelei says:

        How was this in moderation for two years?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It wasn’t. Look again.

      2. MB says:

        What if someone vomited on your shoes due to the nervousness of meeting you in person? Good thing you don’t wear sandals!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They would be made to clean it up and then given a good larruping.

          1. MB says:

            I had to look that word up! You knew I would. Thank you for all the mental stimulation HG.

  13. Bekah B says:

    Thanks for posting this, HG, in lieu of my current circumstance that I am racking my brain about.. This one talks about how curiosity is piqued and triggers the victim to reach out.. My curiosity is piqued, but I must not stray from my stride of NC, therefore I will not contact him and try my best to stay out of all of his spheres of influence.. I’d rather suffer in silence with my emotional thinking than look to him for any answers.. I don’t know when and if another hoover attempt will take place, as I consider it quite bold of him and the highest of attempts to hoover me by showing up at my house, unannounced.. (and then for me to subsequently ignore him).. To what extent he will go from here as a mid ranger, I simply do not know..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You need not look to him for answers, look to me. Consult with me and I will drive you forward.

  14. Veronique Jones says:

    This is why we have you we don’t need to get closure from our Narcissist they won’t be honest with us anyway and you are the only narcissist welcome in my life HG

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