I was once engaged in a discussion with Dr E. This was some years ago, but I am sharing it with you as it will provide you with some insight into my mind, the mind of the Greater Narcissist. It will also answer various questions you are likely to have and they can be applied, with suitable adjustments, to the minds of the Mid Range and with even further adjustments, to the minds of the Lesser Narcissists.
As part of the discussion with De E, we had happened on the subject of relaxation and rest.
“When would you say that you relax?” he asked me as he adjusted his spectacles.
“You do not relax.” Dr E said it more as a statement as opposed to a question.
“That’s right. How can I relax when there is so much to do, so much to be done and I have a mind like mine?”
“Tell me, what is your mind like?” he asked.
“What do you think it is like?” I responded. I always like to try and get Dr E to pin his colours to mast the early on. That way I am in a better position to manipulate the conversation.
“If I knew that there would be no need for all of these sessions as I try to understand your mind,” he replied.
“But I thought you told me that you know all about my kind and me?” I responded.
“I know about the condition that it is suggested is applicable to the way that you behave, but it would be arrogant of me to assume that I knew the way that your mind works. That is part of the work I must do with you, to know your mind and to enable you to know your mind also.”
“Oh I know my mind, doctor, don’t trouble your thoughts with that,” I smiled.
“I am pleased to hear that. Do tell me about it then?”
“Well where do I start? It is formidable, magnificent and effective.”
“Well, let’s return to what was being said in the earlier part of this conversation shall we? You explained to me that your mind does not allow you to relax.”
“I actually said ‘how can I relax when I have a mind like mine’.”
“Of course, please, explain that to me in more detail.”
“My mind is like an engine. It is like a supercomputer. From the moment I switch it on until the moment I disengage it when I go to sleep it is whirring, formulating and computing.”
“So you engage your mind, switch it on?” asked Dr E.
“Absolutely. It fires into life once I wake and from that moment onwards it is always working things out, plotting, scheming and manipulating. It absorbs information, it recalls information, it seeks opportunity, it devises, collates, assesses, evaluates, remembers, it wages war and it defends.”
“I see. You mentioned that you disengage it when you go to sleep. Tell me more about that.”
“It is pretty simple really. I lay my head on the pillow and decide that it is time for it to be switched off. It is like pulling the plug. As soon as it is done then my mind goes blank and I am straight to sleep.”
“You do not lie awake contemplating what has happened during the day or what you have done or what might need to be done the next day?” asked Dr E.
“No. I have worked all of that already. There is little point in contemplating what has already happened. It cannot be changed and cannot be altered. It has already served its purpose. There is nothing to be gained in returning to it.”
“But do you not like to sit and recall your memories?”
“Sometimes but I only do so when I know that I can use them in some way. For example, I will recall memories for the purpose of telling a story to someone of for the sake of explaining something. I may recall certain memories for the purposes of assessment in order to use them to address something in the now. They must always have a use, a purpose, a point. In those situations they serve a purpose to me. Otherwise a memory is just a spent and useless thing.”
Dr E remained silent as he scribbled away in his black and red notebook.
“Do you purposefully select these memories?” he asked. I nodded. I knew what was coming next. I was prepared.
“And you select those memories because they serve a purpose for you?”
“You do not like to look back on events and reminisce?”
“No. That is a waste of time. It is revisiting something which has happened. One has already experienced this and whatever has been derived from it has already been derived from it. It is pointless to keep returning to something when one already knows what it is.”
Dr E continued to write.
“Do any memories just surface without you selecting them?” he asked. I nodded again.
“What do you think about those memories?” he pressed.
“I do not.”
“You do not think about them? You do not embrace them?” he asked.
“I do not.”
“What if they are persistent, some thoughts are. They appear in an intrusive manner and remain. Does that happen with some of your thoughts, with memories perhaps? How do you deal with those unwanted recollections, particularly the persistent ones?”
“In the same way I deal with your unwanted and persistent questions, I deny their existence. Move on.”
Dr E looked up and met my gaze. His mouth opened very slightly as a further question formed on his lips. Fortunately for him he interpreted correctly the look in my eyes and the question met its demise just as quickly as it had been born and he looked away.
There was a pause as he wrote something.
The bastard had deliberately paused in order to cause something to fill the gap he had created. I always have to fill the gap. We all do. In that instant the frozen scene of that frozen day exploded in my mind’s eye.
‘You fucking sly bastard’ I thought as I continued to look at Dr E who was continuing to write. He did that on purpose. Who did he think he was, trying to play games with the Master of Games? Impertinent wanker. I felt the barbed remark rising inside of me, burning and acidic and I was ready to let it fountain from me and spatter against him but I halted. No, not here. Not now. Too soon. Another will get it instead, they will bear the burden of Dr E’s foolish attempts to better me. The first person I encounter on leaving this place will receive what Dr E ought to receive.
The rising fury had at least shattered the image. It was gone. I was safe.
Dr E sparked into life again.
“What about feeling worried about what might need to be done or feeling regret at something that has happened? Those are the types of thing that can keep a person from sleeping as their mind pores over and analyses such things.”
“No. That is redundant and a waste of time. I do not worry about things. I get on and control them. I have nothing to regret. Every decision I made was the right one at the time,” I explain.
“But what if it is not the right one in retrospect?”
“I do not look back on what I have done and ascribe any judgement to it. That serves no purpose.”
“I see. So your mind is devoid of anything when you go to sleep?”
“Correct. The machine has been switched off and thus I go straight to sleep and I always sleep well.”
“Do you dream?” asked Dr E.
“Could you be more specific? Do I dream or do I have dreams when I sleep?”
“Tell me about both,” suggested Dr E.
“I do not dream I do. Dreaming is for the romantic and the fantasists, I create and do.”
“Very well and what about dreaming when you are asleep?”
“You may do but fail to recall them?” suggested Dr E.
“I never dream.”
“Okay. So between waking and sleeping your mind is always racing yes? Tell me, what causes it to race?”
“Fuel. Where will my fuel come from, who will provide it, how much, how can I get more, will there be enough, who else do I need to provide me with fuel, what will be the best way of getting fuel from this person or situation, who can I rely on to be a near constant supply of fuel, why has the fuel dropped, why has this fuel stopped, why can I not obtain the fuel, how can I increase the fuel?”
“Do you think of anything else? For example, how a view across some hills might be beautiful or how you are looking forward to going to a football match with a friend?” asked Dr E.
“I will think how beautiful the view is to tell someone later to make them jealous that I saw it and not them so they react and provide me with fuel. I look forward to the football match to spend time with someone who will provide me with fuel and to enable me to study how they behave at this match so I can harvest more fuel.”
“So your mind is focussed on fuel all the time?” Dr E asked.
“Do you find this tiring?”
“Sometimes but once I gather the fuel it makes me feel powerful and this dispels my fatigue.”
“And if you cannot obtain the fuel, I suppose the tiredness becomes greater?” suggested the doctor.
“There can never be a time when I cannot obtain fuel. That is why my mind works so hard and is always racing.”
Dr E nodded and made more notes as he did I thought about how my last text message to Kim will have upset her and I felt a surge of power as I began to consider where I would take Samantha this evening in order to show her off at a suitably impressive venue and then I recalled that I needed to send out some more e-mails to continue my campaign against Andrea and there would be an opportunity tomorrow at work to show off with the presentation that I was making and I knew that I needed to make a couple of unpleasant telephone calls to a colleague in order to keep him on his toes and in awe of my power.
“Yes, it is always racing,” I added as Dr E continued with his writing.
“Racing and winning that race,” I concluded and I felt the familiar restlessness as it was now time to leave his consulting room and continue with the race.