The Vainglorious Twenty
To say that my kind and me have a high opinion of ourselves is to put it too low. We are superior, of an elevated status and ethereally stunning and wonderful. Our achievements are magnificent, our accomplishments legion and we leave you mere mortals trailing in our wake. We know you look on, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, a mixture of awe and envy washing over you. How good it must be to be like us, you wonder. Well not only are we spectacular and scintillating we are generous too, so generous that I can share with you twenty of our excessively vain and self-centred comments. You may have heard a number of these said to you, about you or just uttered in your general earshot as we gaze nobly towards the horizon. If you have, you know you are dealing with one of our kind and that we wholeheatedly believe these comments irrespective of how pompous, hypocritical ,vain or ridiculous they may sound.All that matters to us is ensuring we gain a reaction to them.
- I don’t complain, I advise.
- I do, I am not done to.
- Don’t be sorry. Be accurate.
- I turn heads. I turn sexual preferences.
- I own you.
- I have every right to do this.
- I never lie.
- I achieved all this without any help whatsoever.
- I made you what you are today.
- I am very much in touch with my feelings.
- I hate liars.
- It is all down to me.
- I am a god.
- If it wasn’t for me, nothing would get done round here.
- I think of everyone but myself. I am too giving at times.
- It can be hard being this well-loved.
- I cannot help being so popular.
- They are my people. They get understand me,
- Everyone wants to either be me or be with me.
- I am the puppet master and the piper. Deal with it.
49 thoughts on “The Vainglorious Twenty”
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HG,
Do mid-ranger’s do this? As in Nadege’s examples (thank-you Nadege for sharing those!) – do they often fake one-sided phone calls?
Yes they do. It is a form of triangulation.
WhoCares,
MRNs do that not only in romantic relationships but also in social and business relationships. Two different people who witnessed that said that the MRN faking the telephone conversation wanted to look ‘important’ in front of them but such a silly behaviour made the MRN look worse. Also, two narcissists did that to me for other reasons.
My exN did something similar: bragging extra loud over the phone about the next exotic place he HAD to go on business so that standbyers could overhear and obviously be green with envy. Not! Pitiful really.
This is funny indeed!
Once, I overheard a telephone conversation between the narcissist I am involved with and a friend of his:
“Oh, so you need someone who is strong enough to lift a television up your stairs?”
(…)
“Well, of course I can do that.”
(…)
“You know me, I am the kind of guy who is always there for you if you need help.”
(…)
“Yes, well, that is who I am: helpful and strong. No problem, I will see you in ten minutes.”
Now, I will give some background information: the telephone call was fake to begin with. His phone was switched off, he was just talking (very loudly) to an audience (me). He does this all the time, it is hilarious.
The telephone conversation was, obviously, unbelievable, because all the sentences were unrealistic: who talks like that to a friend? Who repeats the initial question (oh, so you want me to…) and starts to explain how helpful he is?
Another fake telephone conversation went like this:
“I would like to make reservations for four people.”
(…)
“I want the best table, of course.”
(…)
“Money is not an issue, I simply want to have a fantastic night, no matter the costs.”
(…)
“Yes, you arrange that for me, thank you.”
The background information: a friend of mine had told him that we had been to a star restaurant, and that we had had to pay an enormous amount of money. He does not have a lot of money. He would never go to a star restaurant, because he prefers to buy clothes and other somatic-paraphernalia with his money, but he wanted to impress me and that’s why he explained to his switched off-telephone that he likes to spend a lot of money.
Brilliant. A mid Range Narcissist in effect.
Yes, I have to admit that I suspected him to be a greater narcissist, but he is simply too transparent. Then again, he is great (may be not ‘greater’) when it comes to stalking. He has been stalking me for more than 8 months now. Not online (I do not engage in social media) but around town (I like to make long walks). I got desperate from seeing his car emerge in the darkness, and I escaped to the woods and the beach. I walk during the day, now. And in the woods, he would never be able to hunt me down, or so I thought. But he is, he absolutely is.
So, he emerges on a path, where he is jogging. I can not believe my eyes: how did he find me here? I make random walks, I improvise and turn left and right without thinking. But there he is, no doubt about it. I walk back home, confused (was that really him? Am I losing my mind?) and as I approach my house, I see him riding a bicycle and he is wearing a different outfit, as if to tell me: “That could not have been me, jogging in the park, could it now?”
So, so cunning.
He changes directions, vehicles (different car, different colour, and ten minutes later he is riding a bicycle), and he changes his outfit all the time. It is sick. But it is also quite brilliant (‘great’), because I keep doubting my own mind. Not only because he is so resourceful and subtle, but also because I can not understand how he finds the time to follow me around. He must be watching me full time, because I do not walk at the same time every day – no, of course not! – but where does he find the time? What about his job, his clients, his newborn baby, his LIFE?
I hope. HG, that you can recommend me one of your books when it comes to stalking. I think there is nothing I can do about it, and that I will just have to accept the ever present shadow, but maybe you have written about this subject?
There is always something that can be done. You should read No Contact, Black Hole and do this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Don’t MRNs realize that we notice there is nobody there and that they make themselves look ridiculous and silly?
No because their magical thinking (manifesting as part of the narcissism) blinds them to it. If you point this out to them, the narcissism immediately shifts to counter this Challenge with a further manipulation. Every time you do something which challenges the narcissist, you will go up against the Twin Lines of Defence which operate promptly and (dependent on the school of narcissism) with a range (some ranges wider than others) of manipulations to always preserve control. It does not matter if those responses are contradictory and inconsistent because the narcissism operates to avoid recognition of that. Every time you ‘thrust’ with a sword towards the narcissist, the narcissism will always parry (sometimes with a larger sword, a smaller sword, a mace, a chair, a stick of celery – thus differing in effectiveness and plausibility but that does not matter to the narcissist).
HG, I love this answer! The analogy of the twin lines of defense to picking up different weapons with varying degrees of effectiveness made it very clear.
I call them bobbing an weaving conversations. I have come at LMR at work with a scud missle of evidence. He may pick up a limp celery stick (GPS location data is incorrect) to combat it, but he will not back down. It’s like trying to nail jello to a wall.
Since listening to the How to Handle the Narcissist at Work, I’m keeping all my evidence to myself for an eventual third party to review. There is no such thing as a logical discussion to bring about a resolution with a narcissist. I accept that now and I’m less frustrated.
No wonder your kind hate me so much 🤣🤣🤣
That makes sense. Thank you, HG.
And the GN? Mine had a habit of simply turning away and stating “I haven’t the time or interest” as he masterfully readjusted his focus to attend to something that delighted him. I do envy his ability to focus only on what he wants.
There is a such a powerful command of energy…insanely attractive and destructive. I see what I want. I appropriate it. I enjoy. I move on.
Unbelievable.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Haha “stick of celery” …l like that !
When I challenged the weasel, (which was often) I noticed he used to give me this “look” then back off (quite often followed by the silent treatment or sometimes he would put on his boxing gloves and we’d go a round or two) …he did like a challenge as well
He lacked a lot of common sense
Toward the end his “look” became just blank ….nothing, empty, dead!
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi nadege…lol im sorry but this made me laugh! The lengths they wont go 😄
Hahahaha that was a funny story 🤣🤣
Nadège,
Some of their behaviours make them look like an idiot.
I have read about an app that calls your cell phone so you can have a fake conversation.
Omg hahahahaha thank you so much for the good laugh. I realize, sadly, it’s true but you gotta laugh 😂😂. What pathetic nonsense.
Haha! This one made me laugh.
In a work situation with a mid range… would it just be best to compliment them all the time? Or best to remain “grey rock” in the office?
No contact is the aimed for response. How To Handle A Narcissist In The Workplace is what you need.
Yes I am interested in that one. Particularly because I think the workplace is the hardest to go NC. Reason being… you leave your job to start another one only to discover another narc in the office lol. It’s inevitable there will always be one or two at work.
I find the lesser/Mid-Range to actually be a lot easier to handle. Typically not many people in the office like them anyways. But a greater is a good reason to seek other employment.
I also have the narc trait of pride. And I have a hard time wanting to hinder my own career due to diffcult people in the office.
Empath007, the answer to your question is not as straightforward as one would think. HG goes into all the shoulds and shouldn’ts with all things narc in the workplace. I highly recommend the Narcissist at Work package if you are affected by them at work.
I sure am ! in ways I wish I wasn’t.
I second this. They are everywhere. We want harmony and they manufacture chaos.
Exactly. You can’t avoid them
So constantly switching jobs can’t be the answer. Especially if it’s ones career path.
Switching is smart when
A) you romantically entangled with one at work. Because they will contiune to make your life a living hell (thanks HG for enlightening me on this one! And WHY they do it)
B) a greater/Mid-Range is a position above you and are trying to wreck you…
Sometimes leaving can beat them to the punch.
I’ve been in both scenarios. Handled the second time much better then the first 🤣
They are like an infestation of cock roaches at my job. Each time they like one of my Facebook posts I cringe because they disgust me after some recent behaviors toward people I care about. I didn’t delete them because it would be obvious. One messaged me the other day to ask if I wanted some clothes. (She threw stuff around toward me during a trauma a few months ago)
Like I would want used clothes from her??
HG is like a can of Raid! I actually had to buy ant/roach killer last week and I was so embarrassed that the clerk would think I had roaches! I was like, “This is for ANTS!”
HG. Hi. I am still nc 8 weeks today. I have a very random question. The last time in 2018 that I was “deleted” at around 8 weeks I developed a sinus infection and was sick for 2 weeks.
Again this time around at 8 weeks same illness.
Can the purging of et cause physical illness? I just find it strange as I have never had sinus infections before. It is rare for me to even get a cold
Thank you
Your humble empath
Your immune system will be weakened owing to being in a state of hypervigilance and/or because you are neglecting other areas of key personal maintenance (sleep, hygiene, exercise, nutrition etc)
Kim e: So true indeed regarding the immune system being weakened. I suffered from incredible, incredible exhaustion. From the workplace Narcissist (and largely his 4 major bitter and envious and malicious Lieutenants, I learned after coming to Narcsite including the audio tapes). Ones health can be destroyed in so many different ways, if not reigned in, in a timely manner, during these various forms of entanglements, depending also upon how long they go on, AND how many people are actually involved, and their exact place and function in the hierarchy and fuel matrix: I underweighted this aspect of the entanglement. The other people involved. A big mistake. I also neglected various paperwork that I am slowly resolving. So far, no major catastrophe. I finally started working on it all the past few months that I have been disengaging from them all. Slowly getting my strength back I changed gyms out of necessity of my disengagement from them all, and finally started going back last week, to a different location, as well. Just one tax matter I better conclude, and I forgot about it until your question and HG`s reply. Thank you for your question. So, one can also neglect administrative personal matters that can have negative future consequences: All these things piling up to break one down.
Friday night and I am working to build my business after being destroyed and f______ reading this?????? OMG!!!!!!! I F__________ want revenge and the sick thing is that I CANNOT employ my intelligently thought out, life destroying strategy!!!!!! Why?????????????? Because I would destroy a life and that would hurt someone…..But he keeps doin this?????https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLH6JLXuYtQ
Michelleolover45, I’m glad you are here. I’m sorry your business was destroyed; good on you for not giving up and choosing to rebuild. That will be a great revenge and poke saying “you didn’t destroy me!”
I always told him he owned me. He liked that. It’s true. He’s in my blood. How can I ever get him out of my system? I feel him there.
Total submissive mentality.
Anonymous, I told him he did. It pleased him. I got what I wanted. Nobody owns MB.
MB: We are not Narcissists, so we do not have a special place to store people and forget about them, so to speak, when they should at least be `on the shelf` in our life. But, we can learn from Narcissists to not let the past destroy our future as much as we do. So we have to fight the memories of them in a different manner. But we have to fight. Whenever you think of him, say, STOP. Absolutely every time. Say, STOP. Or give yourself some specific time of the day, like 15 minutes a day to think of him, and also remind your thoughts when they come along about him, that you have a time to address him, so back down until them. And respect that specific time, and then shut it down and say, STOP, to yourself every time the thoughts pop up again. At worse, think of the full reality of him and the experience. For example, think of how when you were thinking of him, he is thinking of others, or planning to break a promise to you, or form a lie to you. Or making plans on shelving you or something. While you are thinking of him, he is on his cell or internet trying to find someone else, or enticing someone else, Looking at photos. And, energized to do so from your supply. Or whatever he did that you know of….the sorrowful and painful stuff. Think of the time you have already given to him and time runs out. Time is precious. Think of time and focus that you lost time with him. Find a formula to battle the thoughts, based on your personality. Make yourself do 5 pushup every time you think of him: Jesting. But, find a battle plan. to battle those deceitful and slovenly and illogical and unrealistic emotional thoughts. Before I ghosted the Narcs at my job, I used to say to myself that HG is standing next to me, whenever they came around me. I posted that on here. So in my mind, I let HG fight these people for me. They started looking at me oddly, because I rarely spoke more than a word or to to them anymore, instead of being my wordy over-communicative self. I was so exhausted dealing with them all, on my on. So that is what I did. Do something like that with your thoughts, based on your personality. But, you do have to fight those thoughts. And they will rewrite what happened of focus on the emotionally pleasurable ones and not the logical ones. They are sneaky and so love to push themselves to the forefront of your mind. Kill them.
And they will rewrite what happened *and* focus on the emotionally pleasurable ones and not the logical ones.
I appreciate your comments. These are practical suggestions. It is very difficult. It is like my mind is an insistent child that demands to find the highest and best good in every person and circumstance. The golden fairytale MUST have been true because it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I keep trying to “get power back” that I never really developed. I remember observing his non-emotional responses in business and trying to develop that non-caring, selfish posture. It seems to me that I have should have more self interest and be willing to rise at the expense of someone else’s wellbeing….it is always a no go…I supported him in his lies and deception….ugh it just gets so complicated…I excused so much in the name of true, soul love. I am waaaayyy too intelligent to have wound up here, I tell myself. I love that . you use the word slovenly in conjunction with emotional thinking. This helps me understand things in a different way….I would never be slovenly with my body, or eating habits or business dealings….so I must be able to control my thinking. Stoicism calls!!!
MichelleOliver and MB: Re: `Our` Narcissists. We liked them. And we even loved them. There is nothing shameful about that, nor criminal. Or, we had no initial choice in the matter, for whatever reasons. The problem is that we entangled ourselves, or were entangled with, something stronger that we could successfully maneuver. Like complex netting. An intricate web. Now we have to fight our way out. That is all. There is no shame about thinking about them. They happened. Life happens. We are not going to be able to have our memories wiped out. Or, a lobotomy. It is not necessary. We just have to decide that we want to live beyond both them and the experience and successfully, and find out all the best ways to do so under our individual particular circumstances. And make plans to reach zero impact on being harmed and stifled ongoing and going forward now, in our various situations. We are here because the pain began to outweigh the pleasure, and/or progress, even so to our stubborn emotional thinking (that is still lurking to express itself in the matter, even when it is out of form. How soon our emotionally thinking forgets and lies, yes?). We may never be our old selves, but no one is. It is impossible to live life and not change, for anyone, except perhaps when one is in a literal coma, and even then the mind of the comatose person is probably still working and changing. We just have to be mindful and take it day by day, and take what we are learning here very seriously once we know and are convinced to our own selves that the information and guidance works. But, we still have to do the work. Sigh. And go through the pain of healing and growing. Growing pains. It hurts. That is why it is called Growing PAINS. HG Tudor can tell us 24/7, to stop crossing the street during a red light. And he can tell us why and how and show us what can and usually happens if we continue to so. And he sure does, and in so many substantive ways! However, we may still say, it is difficult, and we are used to crossing when it is red, and so far, we have not been in a deadly accident, but then one day: BOOM! He was right after all, about the crossings. Our time frame for implementing necessary changes was used up a bit. BAM! So we do the best we can with this info. day by day, and do our utmost to implement as much as we can and will, steadfastly, before BOOM! and BAM! happens.
PSE, I like the way you think! This is wonderful advice. I have HG on my phone reminding me at all times not to text. (I pretend it’s HGs hand holding the apple although he hasn’t confirmed.) I drink from my logic defenses mug. I’ll say STOP! when thoughts try to creep in. My biggest problem is I *enjoy* thinking of the good things and I don’t want to stop. I just need to realize that they are unproductive for my healing. It’s all ET. Nothing good can come from reliving the memories.
I feel like I do it to keep the memory from fading and slipping away since I know I can never experience it again. It’s a “safe” way to interact with the N that isn’t really safe at all.
MB
I did not see this comment previous to asking you a question elsewhere about memories. You can disregard it.
NA, I wasn’t ignoring your question. I’ve been thinking about it. Memories are sneaky things. They can take on a life of their own. I enjoy fantasy and dreams and fairy tales and what ifs. I spend quite a bit of time there when I’m bored with this life. I’m thankful to have had the experiences with N that I did as it gave me fodder for fantasy. I think the biggest difference is that I didn’t experience anything *bad* that turned the whole thing sour. There was mostly good. I have the answers to the questions that puzzled me, (Thank you HG) so now I can enjoy what was fun about N. But only in my memories. Still no contact suicide. I know. The memories come less and less often. Sometimes I don’t want them and halt them. I knew the exorcism was working when I realized a day had passed and he had not even entered my thoughts. Eventually, it will be many, many days and the memory will be so distant it will have no impact. And to be honest, that makes me a little sad.
Dearest MB,
I came across this quote …..
“Women, we are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. It’s not our job to fix them, change them, parent or raise them. We want a partner not a project”
Never let anyone “own” you MB…. you’re giving your “power” away
The only person who owns you is “you”
Know your “worth” precious and “never” rely on a man for “anything” and I mean “anything”
Be independent !
Mr Bubbles n I work in perfect harmony ….he lets me do what I want 🤣
Writing a list of the good n bad about your narc, puts it in perspective
You have the blood of a queen my lovely …. not worthy of a peasant !
Now go put your crown on beautiful one and rule your emotional kingdom 👸🏼
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
This crazy desire we have to please them! I get the in my blood feeling…it’s so pervasive.
MO45, I got addicted to the reinforcement he provided when I pleased him so it made me want to do it more. I would have done it forever. But the shifting sands caused him to reject me when my behavior hadn’t changed and it caused too much pain. I came here and found out that they are incapable of being pleased forever. The rules change so that they always win and you lose. I had to stop playing.
MichelleOliver: It is not crazy to desire to please, in general. In fact, it is better to give than to receive, says the wise proverb. We just go beyond moderation sometimes, and for too long, and to the wrong person, and we neglect to take into consideration the entire scenario at times. We love to give, to the point that we become selfish in our giving, emotionally speaking. Forgetting moderation. But, we learn and adjust. We too can evolve and become wiser and wiser over time. Especially, when we finally say, enough, and we finally say to ourselves and understand that a certain behaviour of ours is no longer beneficial to our well-being, or beneficial with a certain person or certain people. At that point we have evolved. And that is great! We just have to go through the process necessary to implement a few changes in our natural behaviour. Change is not usually fun, but it is for the better, and it is necessary, at times. I am tired of beating myself up over many of my characteristics and traits and talents that are actually good, just because I misunderstood a few things, or was inexperienced about a few things, or was not moderate in certain areas, or made some mistakes. I just need to grow and evolve some more. I am glad to be me. And I am the only me there is.
My MMR said #9 about his ex wife. He’s also said #7, 15, & 17.
He also thought he was God when he was a teen, he said.
My LMR narcoholic said #14 but none of the rest. “Deal with it” and “Whatever” were his usuals. To the point that I changed his name to “Whatever” on chat. It amused me to get a pop up on my screen saying “Whatever” (says) “Whatever”
WolfAF. Changing his name to, Whatever, on your chat was great. Now, that`s style! LOL.