SEEYOUINCOURT

A former girlfriend of mine, Elizabeth, took the foolish step of instigating legal proceedings against me. This vexatious litigant decided that I owed her a sum of money. I will not trouble you with the intricacies of the dispute but it revolved around an investment that she made. The investment did not work and being the type of person who cannot accept that she could get it wrong, Elizabeth looked to me for redress.

At first it began with a couple of telephone calls. We had parted company but I was pleased to note that she had retained my mobile number (I of course had ensured I had kept hers)and she telephoned me requesting payment of the investment sum. Initially I decided that I would string her along and explained that I would look into it to see what I could do. There was of course no prospect of her recovering that money. I do not indulge in repayments and moreover it was her own idiocy that resulted in her loss, she ought to have undertaken some due diligence beforehand and if she failed to do so then on her head be it. I enjoyed receiving the texts and calls from her as she asked when she might receive the money. I fobbed her off using my charm and well-honed powers of procrastination. Her demanding nature served as delicious fuel to me.

The calls ended and instead she penned a couple of letters. They were rather well written, eloquent perhaps, albeit it misplaced both in fact and in law. I replied to them, after all, it would be ill-mannered not to do so, but now I rejected her assertions out of hand. I wielded my power of no and had no need to explain myself. I am not accountable to her. I am not accountable to anybody.

The next letter made threats of police involvement and I laughed at those. I knew that would get her nowhere and I replied in such terms. I pointed out how such an action would be entirely misguided and if she raised a complaint she would find herself in the receiving end of litigation from me. She wisely heeded those warnings.

She did however maintain her claim in the civil arena and she instructed a firm of solicitors to recover the money that she claim she owed. I ignored these letters. I was becoming bored of these demands now and besides I had other targets to attend to. I thought she would get the message and cease with her tiresome pursuit but instead she issued court proceedings against me. In order to be satisfied that I had them she chose to instruct a process server to effect personal service of the court papers rather than send them through the post as anybody would do so normally. I entertained myself avoiding this process server. I would then agree to turn up at an appointed time and place to be served but then fail to do so. This meant more cost for her and more frustration for her.

My evasion of her attempts at service resulted in her securing an order for substituted service and one evening the papers and the accompanying order for this method of service to be effective were shoved into the letter box by my gate. I read through the papers and scoffed at the allegations. Whilst tempted to handle the dispute myself I decided I would instruct my own lawyers and purposefully chose an expensive outfit, far superior to the local hacks hire by Elizabeth. I attended my first meeting with a partner in the firm (I was not being fobbed off with some junior solicitor, I wanted the head of commercial litigation in this City firm acting for me) and issued my instructions.

“I know all about risk, costs and so on so save your breath. You are to defend this claim, counterclaim against her and then delay and prevaricate at every step of the way. Seek extensions, deliberately delay responding to letters, send incomplete material and look to frustrate the process. Do not go so far as to incur an interim cost order against me, that will cause her to think that she has met with a measure of success and that is unacceptable. I do not care about your bill, I can easily afford it, but I want her wracking up a large bill so she gives up. Understand?”

The partner smiled the cold grin of a legal shark and nodded. He was my kind of man.

Thereafter my lawyers delayed in acknowledging the claim until the last moment. They sought an extension for the defence and counterclaim and then another. When Elizabeth refused the third request, my lawyers applied to court and obtained it. She sought an extension when filing her defence to my counterclaim. We agreed, since it slowed the matter down. My lawyers filed requests for further information about her caseand then more. We slowed down disclosure, released ours in a piecemeal fashion and pored over her disclosure lists and sought additional documents and launched further applications against Elizabeth. We sought documentation from third parties and made applications against those parties in order to delay the provision of witness evidence. Oddly enough, several of the witnesses she wanted to rely on became unco-operative to her and the threats of witness summonses against them merely caused them to dig their heels in.

Throughout  this we suggested mediation and then changed our minds and then changed our minds again. This caused a hiatus in the litigation. We would not accept their suggested mediators and we kept changing the ones we wanted, so we decided a court had to make that decision. More cost and delay. We chopped and changed our dates of availability and then agreed a date which we then altered at the last minute owing to unforeseen circumstances. Then the mediator became unavailable (he was an accountant who suddenly found himself instructed on a different matter- I wonder whose company did that?) so a new one had to be appointed so we went through the rigmarole of all that once again. The costs mounted and mounted, they were of little consequence to me, but they soon outstripped what Elizabeth was claiming.

The mediation was fruitless. I spent most of my time engaging with the attractive trainee solicitor from the firm engaged by Elizabeth and drawing some rather pleasant if unexpected supply from her. We were never going to settle and made outrageous demands of them throughout.

The litigation resumed as we moved towards the preparation of forensic accountant reports and lay witness statements. Then there was silence from the opposition. Three years had elapsed from the commencement of proceedings. Her solicitors came off the record as acting for her and nobody replaced them. She was now acting in person. Her funds had been exhausted and nobody was willing to act on a conditional basis.

Bit by bit her demands lowered and lowered and lowered until just recently she suggested that we adopt a drop hands basis, namely she bears her costs and I bear mine and that is it. After delaying my response I decided that this was entirely acceptable, after all, there was a huge risk if it went to trial that I would lose and be stung for her claim, interest and costs. That did not trouble me, it was the fact of losing to her that did. I instructed my solicitors to accept her proposal, draw up the relevant consent order and have it signed and then I sent her a note.

“Dear Elizabeth,

I recall the last time we spoke on the telephone you demanded money for your idiotic investment and declared you would “see me in court”. You never had a chance of getting me into a court room for the trial of this case. I always win.

Regards

HG”

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HOW TOMAKE AREQUESTTO A NARCISSIST

The most effective approach when dealing with our kind is GOSO, namely Get Out, Stay Out and do so through the imposition of a robust no contact regime.

The value of achieving this means it is often worth making certain sacrifices in terms of having that final word (see The Last Word ), writing off money owed to you, kissing good bye to that gay unicorn sculpture or even hoping for some kind of explanation as to what has happened. The benefit of achieving no contact will often outweigh trying to address those outstanding matters. Keep in mind also that not only do our kind not provide you with closure ( Closure Denied ), will not give you answers and also use any interaction to future fake and give you false hope, we also utilise outstanding issues (money, possessions, payment of bills etc) as the maintenance of Ever Presence and as Hoover Triggers. The attempt at a successful no contact regime is littered with the residue of the narcissistic entanglement.

Nevertheless, there may be occasions where you feel it is necessary to make a request of our kind in order to seek some kind of outcome or resolution. This requires careful evaluation to determine whether it is a step worth taking and if it is, how should this be effected? Here are some dos and don’ts in respect of how to make a request to a narcissist. Keep in mind that these points are not stand-alone and impact on one another in terms of the overall outcome that can be achieved.

  1. The first significant point is to take heed of the very title of this article. Make a request. Although it may sicken you to have to be polite and civil to us after the way you have been treated, if you make a demand you will get nowhere. In accordance with our need to always maintain control and the upper hand, making a demand of us is the proverbial red rag to the bull. Dependent on how this demand is made, it will either be Challenge Fuel ( so expect us to provoke you to get more delicious negative fuel and we will respond in an intransigent, obnoxious and obstructive manner to this demand) or it will wound us and thus you will ignite our fury. This latter response will mean your demand will be dead in the water and you will be subjected to either heated or cold fury. No matter how much it pains you, do not use phrases such as

“You have to do this”

“You must pay me immediately”

“If you do not do this then…”

Instead, you should utilise phrases including

“It would be appreciated if you could….”

“I hope that you might be able to….”

“Would you be so kind as to….”

We baulk at being commanded to do anything, since we are the doers and not the done to. No matter how right you may feel about making a demand, no matter how justified or entitled you may be, resist the temptation to couch your interaction with us in such terms.

2. Timing. This is crucial in terms of maximising the potential for success with your request. Naturally any request made to us during the relevant golden period is highly likely going to meet with success but that is of little help to you. You are not likely to be asking for your antique banker’s lamp back during the golden period or requesting that the utilities’ bills be settled promptly. Your request is usually going to be made post-escape or post-disengagement and it is in those instances that the issue of timing becomes paramount.

a. Do not bother with making any request in the immediacy of your escape from our kind. By immediacy I mean the first month post escape. Your escape will have meant that you have been deemed to be a traitor. If you make the request during the Initial Grand Hoover (our concerted attempt to pull you back under our control and into the Formal Relationship again) then it will only be seen as further evidence of your treachery. If you want money to be repaid, that not only signals to us that you have no interest in coming back to us, but making such a request will either be Challenge Fuel or Wounding. If you make your request following an unsuccessful IGH, if we do not have a replacement IPPS (assuming that was the position you held) then your request will in all likelihood be agreed to on the basis of you returning to us. Do not fall for it. This will be a future fake. We will agree to returning those items if you come and see us (so we can apply more pressure to draw fuel from you etc) but the return of the possessions will not happen.

b. If you become aware that we are pursuing a new IPPS interest and that is in the early stages (first few weeks of the pursuit) then do not bother making your request. You will remain painted black, seen as a traitor and also we will be concerned that you are trying to make us look bad in front of this new prospect. Furthermore, our inherent wariness will mean that we will treat the request with suspicion, regarding it as a Trojan Horse for the purposes of you trying to inveigle your way back in to wreak havoc on our new golden period.

c. If we have an embedded IPPS and all is sunny in paradise in Narcworld, this is your optimum opportunity to acquire a favourable outcome. The reason for this is that we will be far more secure in our golden period with this new IPPS. Furthermore, the maintenance of the façade of us being kind, decent and honourable will be of importance and whilst there is no absolute guarantee that we will acquiesce to your request, your chances are much greater. We want to be seen as magnanimous, that we bear no grudge, that we have moved on and we want to show the new IPPS (and members of the coterie) that we can exhibit benevolence. Of course there will be limits to this largesse, but by approaching us at this time and adopting the other points in this article then you will increase your chances significantly of a favourable outcome.

d. If we have dis-engaged from you, you have been painted black also. In all likelihood there will be a new IPPS and therefore in terms of timing you should pay heed to the above points.

e. If we have dis-engaged from you and there is no IPPS (as far as you can tell) there will be no point making the request because you will remain black because we have chosen to dis-engage from you with no IPPS to bolt on. Such a step may well have been taken as a consequence of total treachery on your part – exposure or massive wounding – and therefore any request made at this time will be met with being ignored at best and horrendous malign hoovers at worst.

Timing is most important and you need to be able to recognise where we are likely to be at with regards to our dynamic with other appliances before making your quest,

3. Do not make the request in person. No matter how hard you try to remain neutral, by appearing in person before us, you will provide us with fuel through what you say how you say it, the tone of your voice, your facial expression, the look in your eyes and so forth. This means that we will give the appearance of considering your request but all we will focus on is either gaining more fuel from you or pulling you back into the Formal Relationship (dependent on when this happens). Even if you make the request when we are at 2c above, your appearance in person will defeat the request because we see the opportunity to gain fuel from you (either positively by agreeing and future faking you so you keep revisiting us or by provoking you to give negative fuel) as far more important than looking good for the appearance of the façade. Keep in mind also that your emotional thinking is far more likely to govern your responses if you are with us in person and this will result in your providing automatic responses which will go against your aims.

4. Do not make the request by telephone. Although the quantity of fuel will not be as great as if you made the request in person, there is still a decent quantity to be obtained and we will seize on that opportunity rather than focus on making us look good by agreeing to your request. By speaking to us, you are again more likely to give us fuel and also to be governed by emotional thinking as we goad you – be it for positive or negative fuel.

5. Do not make the request by text message or social media message. You will end up clipping your message in a way which will make it appear like a demand. It is also easier for us to ignore.

6. Always make the request in writing and that means either in an e-mail or a hand-written letter. Why do this?

a. Evidence. Your request is not guaranteed to meet with success but where it eventually leads to (perhaps police involvement or through the courts) will be boosted considerably by having this evidence in place and not having to rely on oral evidence.

b. Best Front Shown. You will be far more considered, logical and restrained in a written request than one made in person or by telephone. Keep in mind that some of our kind will film/record you and use edited ‘highlights’ to discredit you when you become angry, frustrated or exasperated.

c. You will be able to take your time in composing the most effective request. You will be able to reflect on it, remove as much fuel as possible, avoid anything which would be construed as demanding or wounding and maximising effectiveness.

d. Even if you do provide some fuel, the written word conveys the lowest quantity by reason of the absence of hearing the tone, seeing the facial expressions and so forth. The written word may be emotive but it is low in terms of the quantity of fuel and may even just be Thought Fuel based on how we consider you to have been when you wrote the correspondence.

e. Building a ‘paper’ trail. If the request is not agreed to and you therefore have to use a formal channel – complaint to a body, commence litigation or use the police for instance, the fact you have created a paper trail will move matters heavily in your favour.

7. Never plead, cajole or threaten. This will cause us to scent there is fuel in the offing and/or wound us and therefore we will focus on the fuel/healing the wound you have caused and your request will be forgotten about as we go off on a different frolic.

8. Provide some flattery but do not go overboard. It is acceptable to write in terms such as

“I know you are a reasonable person”

“I know you are the right person to assist with this matter”

“I know you can resolve this for both our benefits”

Note the use of “I know” and not “I think”. Using I know is a strong assertion and leaves no room for doubt. However, do not become obsequious or over the top in your praise or compliments, because this will either cause us to sense more fuel is on offer or we will regard you as taking the piss and this will be Challenge Fuel. In either case, this causes us to focus on the fuel and/or asserting superiority and your request will be lost in the process.

9. Make the request once and once only. If you do not get a response or the response is rejection do not go back. All we will do is future fake and provoke you. If the request does not meet with success then you have made your point and you should then proceed to escalate the matter through a formal channel. Don’t keep chipping away asking “did you get the e-mail” (put a delivered and read receipt on it). Don’t demand that the request is answered (see the point about demand above).

10. If the execution of the request requires the delivery up of property, the return of possessions and such like, politely request that this is done through a third party and specify when they will attend to collect goods or deliver property etc. With regard to money you can arrange for this either be paid into an account or if it is cash have it handed to the trust worthy third party. Do not suggest that you will meet with us to execute the request. This will cause us to see an opportunity to gain fuel and deny the request or string it out and delay.

11. Ensure the request is clear. Do not suggest any meeting to discuss it. Do not invite us to advance counter proposals. Do not fudge the issue. Identify what needs to be done, make the request in a clear fashion noting precisely what should be provided for example, when and how. Invite a third party to review the written request so it reads clearly and there is no scope for misunderstanding. We will exploit a lack of clarity in order to contact you in person and thus draw fuel etc.

12. Politely request that the response from us is sent to a third party. You should always make the request (do not do so by proxy as this will insult us and wound us that you could not even be bothered to do the courtesy of asking us to begin with and your request will immediately fail) . However, detail in the request that performance of the request and confirmation should be provided to a third party who you can trust. This will deny us the opportunity to try to hoover you and dodge the purpose of the request. It also means that you may also maximise your prospects of a successful outcome when you are painted black still. If we do not have to deal with you (when there is a concern that you might for example interfere in the blossoming seduction of a new IPPS) then this is likely to improve the chances of it happening.

13. Identify the school of narcissist you are dealing with and tailor the request accordingly. The Lesser will have lower energy levels and risk an ignition of fury more readily, therefore look at ways of making his compliance easy – send someone to collect rather than wanting him to come and deliver for example. The Mid Ranger will want to be seen as the ‘good egg’ so factor that into how you phrase the request. The Greater will be above such trivialities and you may benefit from suggesting one of the Greater’s people liaises with one of your people to execute the request.

14. Do not offer a reward or incentive for compliance. This will then be the focus of our response and this will be sought without acceding to the request. If you show you are willing to give us something in return (which we regard as being entitled to anyway) we will focus on that instead.

15. Seek my assistance with a bespoke solution to the relevant situation so all factors are considered and taken into account and I can assist with the drafting of a request which is far more likely to succeed.

16. If the request does not work, do not be disheartened. Instead, if you have followed this article you will have avoided giving much fuel, you will not have made a show of yourself, you will have breached no contact of course but not in a way that is going to cause you huge problems and you will have established a constructive platform which will allow you to, if you wish, to escalate the matter in order to bring about compliance through an alternative method.

THE NARCISSIST'SREALITY GAP.jpg

The Lesser Narcissist. Whether it is the out and out loser that is the Lower Lesser, the usually useless Middle Lesser or the successful but overbearing bully that is the Upper Lesser, the three have certain common traits. One of these traits is their delusional state. The Lesser exists in a bubble convinced of his or her good looks or innate strength or irresistible sexiness. They think everybody likes them, they think if you don’t then you must be an idiot and you are not worth bothering with. They believe themselves to be great at sport, or writing, or whatever hobby and if they do not win or receive an accolade well the game was fixed, the paint was the wrong sort or the judges are retarded. After all, anybody who cannot see that the Lesser is a swaggering champion, well, they must need their head seeing to, right?

The Lesser cruises through life doing what he or she wants, taking whatever they want, behaving as they please and nobody is allowed to stop or interfere with this god-given right. They are completely oblivious to their shortcomings – that bloated beer belly just shows a certain joie de vivre, going bald is a sign of virility, wearing that same jacket is a mark of classic attire. Their narcissism enables them to maintain their perceived superiority (where often none exists) through the application of this delusion. They just do not see their failings, their inadequacies and failures. The self-defence mechanism of the Twin Lines of Defence will either deny any such failing or deflect it away by ascribing it to being the fault of someone or something else. Thus, the Lesser escapes culpability, maintains superiority, gathers fuel and barrels through his or her life wreaking havoc all around and never suffering consequences.

Now, the fuel crisis will cause the bubble to burst, but this article is not about the effect of the fuel crisis but rather the reality gap. When fuelled, the Lesser suffers no reality gap whatsoever. He or she is oblivious and served totally by the delusions of their narcissistic perspective because that is what enables them to exist and function.

What then of the Greater? There is no doubting that the Greater can point to substance to support those bold pronouncements. Look at the money, the high status career, the successful public life, the adoring crowds, the power that is wielded, the records made, the books sold, the art created, the countries invaded, the factories opened, the gadgets invented and the elections won. From captain of industry, Olympic champion, pop star, politician, royal, leader, spin doctor, fixer, striving executive, acclaimed actor, feted artists through to hundreds of other positions and roles, the Greater populates the higher echelons of achievement. His or her narcissism has enabled such an ascent. With no sense of remorse, no conscience, the desire to be the best, a total belief in one’s ability, a sense of entitlement and operating with absolute expediency it is little wonder that the Greater narcissists clamber into these positions.

Is there delusion with the Greater? Indeed and it manifests in the form of embellishment and exaggeration because the innate paranoia of the narcissist means that it is never enough. He may be popular but he sees that he is immensely popular because the narcissism demands it. The narcissism enabled him to scale the heights of political power to begin with and then feeds the need to stay there and want more and more and more because non sufficit orbit terrarum.

Thus the Greater will have considerable power but sees its reach as being even further. He has wealth but embellishes its degree. The narcissistic perspective insists on there being a reality greater than there is. It is even better than the real thing. The combination of that which has been achieved and the belief in added achievement results in the application of power on a tremendous scale, which in turns feeds the narcissism. Round and round it goes. There may be a reality gap, but similar to the Lesser, it is not apparent to the Greater save when the effects of a fuel crisis manifest.

What of the Mid-Range Narcissist? He or she can also achieve. Not on the scale of the Greater but beyond the Lesser. The Mid Range Narcissist, particular Middle Mid Range and Upper Mid Range will secure success, good jobs, excellent incomes, academic achievements, sporting achievements and so forth. Many friends, well-liked by family and the community (that good old facade at work there) and convinced of their own innate goodness.

However one of the fundamental differences between the Lesser and Greater Narcissists compared to the Mid Ranger is the basis on which the application the reality gap operates. The Lesser’s superiority is based on aggressive provocation, albeit in a rudimentary and base manner. The Greater’s superiority is also based on aggressive provocation but in a far more streamlined, refined and magnificent manner. The Mid-Ranger’s perceived superiority has its foundation placed on passive provocation – the silent treatments, the jealous smearing, the office politicking, the pity plays and so forth.

The consequence of this is that this passive, defensive superiority, as opposed to the driving, thrusting aggressive superiority of the other two schools, results in the Mid Range Narcissist suffering periodic reality gaps. He of course will have them and in a massive way as a consequence of a fuel crisis but as stated above, that is not the subject of this article.

The Mid Range Narcissist is afflicted by episodic instances of a detachment between his narcissistic perspective and reality. This is part of his narcissism because this is what enables him or her to operate in a passive aggressive manner through seeking sympathy, exhibiting jealousy, inviting pity and demanding help and support. The Mid Range Narcissists will occasionally get a glimpse of what he is as opposed to what he wants to be. He suddenly sees he is the middle manager salary man and not on the fast track to the board. Whereas the Lesser sees he is holding a semi-skilled position on the factory floor he either sees that as what is best for him and he wouldn’t want to be a “white collar wanker” or he believes he has never made it to management because the existing managers are cocksuckers who are clueless and have no idea how to run a company. The Greater is either at the board already or on his way. The Mid Range Narcissist once believing he was destined for that executive position suddenly realises he is not. He once believed he brought influence to bear beyond his current status because he was talented and just ripe for promotion, he is suddenly aware that this is not the case. The football career was not as glittering as he wanted it to be. She is not as popular as she wants to be. She isn’t able to win the races as she desires to.

The shortfall between what the Mid Range wants to be and believes him or herself to be and what they actually are manifests and delivers a crushing blow to the Mid Range. It can come out of nowhere, a sudden fountain of self-loathing which surges up unexpected and unwelcome. The Mid Range Narcissist immediately seeks to escape this reality gap by complaining, raging, sulking or smearing. Their jealousy of those who are what the Mid Range wants to be is unfettered. Their dejection at their position requires immediate succour from those around them, to flow with pity and sympathy until the moment has passed and with it the danger to their existence.

Accordingly, should you ever witness a Mid Range Narcissist exhibiting some kind of panic attack, a wailing and bemoaning of his or her lot in life even though there is no fuel crisis evident, then you have witnessed the appearance of the Mid Range narcissist’s reality gap.

Understanding the narcissist is the key to achieving freedom from his or her manipulative wiles. Few people achieve it because the world view of the narcissist is distinctly different from that of other people. People make the mistake of regarding the actions and words of the narcissist from their own perspective. Once they regard these actions through the narcissistic lens then comprehension and knowledge can be achieved. How is this done? It is done by reading all about how the narcissist thinks and behaves, how he regards situations and why he responds in the way that he or she does. A series of observations awaits here which will give you further insight into the narcissistic mind direct from the narcissist himself and in turn you will gain knowledge. A useful and insightful tool that will assist you in grappling with the perversions and delinquencies of the narcissistic mind and thereafter enable you to achieve understanding and ultimately freedom.

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