Raising the Hoover Bar

 

Raising the hoover bar

 

The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.

There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.

I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered out mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. These hurdles may well raise the bar so it is less likely that the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, meaning it is less likely you will suffer a hurdle. Knowing what these factors are and how we regard them is crucial in formulating your defences to maintain No Contact.  What, then,  are those hurdles?

  1. Your Whereabouts

If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.

  1. Your Accessibility

In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave or note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.

  1. Gullibility of Friends and Family

We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.

  1. Happy and Contented

If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.

  1. A New Interest

If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.

  1. Your Fuel Potential

You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.

  1. Your Knowledge

If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.

  1. The Façade

This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.

  1. Energy levels

If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from primary sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.

  1. The Type of Narcissist

 

The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Mid-Range and Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other hoovers because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.

These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.

22 thoughts on “Raising the Hoover Bar

  1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Dearest HG: I went to the gym today, because it would be practically empty, and I could peacefully enjoy it, but I was surprisingly hoovered by text by The Turncoat Lieutenant, my replacement NIPSS, former best friend at work. I believe it is a obligatory/malign/benign Hoover, because my disappearance keeps being mentioned at work (spheres of influence-and possibly a great annoyance to that Narc. clique, but unfortunately, I have no control of people asking about me) and also, she probably would not be adverse to giving an update about me to the Narcissist, as well: Plus, she possibly could be curious. So, the Hoover was carried out as follows: ~~Turncoat Lieutenant: Good Morning PSE! It`s _______. You have come up several times in converstation at work. I`ve checked on you a couple of times and I don`t want to over do it…but I wanted to know if you are feeling any better? PSE: Hi. Better. Taking it easy. Thanks. ~~Turncoat Lieutenant: OK! we don`t have to link up at the job you know – we can always just have a coffee…or something. (emoji kiss). PSE: Sounds good. When I get better. HG: Hoovers are so exhausting. She sounds so robotic and a bit pushy. Not like she used to sound when she texted me. I feel a little afraid of her. And, I feel pressure. I told you that the Narcissist is a Major Sulking Handful. Well, it never bothered me to help regulate him, and I enjoyed it, but I am DONE, with them all. I guess I am sensing her annoyance and a possible smear, developing. Not pretty. I cut my gym visit short and returned back to my apartment. (I was almost done anyway). I still have my Big Little Lies episodes to catch up on, a bit later. Thankfully.

  2. foolme1time says:

    Abe,

    Why the sad face? Is this not what you want, or has it become something you were looking forward to in order to see if you can handle a Hoover? 🙃

    1. Abe Moline says:

      Just joking, FM1T 🙂

      Don’t worry, I’m not wishing for a hoover.
      And actually there was a sort of an attempt last week, but she did not engage me, we just ignored each other.

      I’m not sure what it was, but she definitely knew I was supposed to be there, while she actually did not have much reason to appear.
      As I already said somewhere else – if she keeps appearing, I’ll stop attending that place, although there are some other people there I really enjoy meeting.

      There’s still my ET, wanting it, inventing various reasons why I should welcome a hoover.
      But I know what it is and I keep it at bay.

      One meeting was enough. My curiosity was satisfied. Done.

      1. foolme1time says:

        Abe,

        Me worry! Why where ever did you get such an idea? Haha.

        I believe my curiosity was peaked because you view this differently then other’s do, especially me. I do not ever want to see my ex narc again! I also know that reading your comments to IT that you are more like my sister NA, your logic in handling her was quite obvious and doing so without any emotion was also quite apparent. I knew you would be a great asset to this blog. 😉. I also know you like to learn and that this fascinates you, If you ever want to see a whole different breed of empaths, normals, and narcissists, you should visit HGs Instagram account! Smh.

        I am sorry you still have ET at times concerning your ex, but I was very happy to read that you can keep it under control. Thank you for answering my questions, and yes, I was worried about you! 🤗🙃

      2. Abe: Hoovers feel differently, I find, from different people, but in the end, they all have to be put down. I enjoyed my Hoovers from His Somatic Highness at my workplace. But, the question is, why? For 2 reasons. 1. I did not believe it would happen, because he has so many sources and he is always topped off, and I was a NIPSS. So although HG says these people can be triggered to Hoover you, if you enter there sphere of influence and the Hoover Execution Criteria is met, I thought, sure, but not in my circumstance. So, I was so surprised when it happened, not once, but twice, that I saw for myself that HG Tudor`s advice and directions were not only true for others, but also for myself. 2. It felt good to my emotional thinking.as well. But, I never for one second did not realize that it was still that Hoover vacuum cleaner that has the mission to suck me back into the garbage and debris and refuse and roller-coaster and merry-go -round, once again. So, I could not embrace it in any fashion. However, when I was Hoovered by his turncoat Lieutenant and one of his regular Lieutenants, I did not feel much reward, even for my emotional thinking, because these 2 people can turn malign and assist in a smear campaign, and I do not want unnecessary enemies, as much as possible. So I felt a bit alarmed by the hoovers of these 2 people and I had to carefully and cooly and delicately respond to them, since they are also workplace people. I was happy when I was next hoovered by a completely pleasant person, a couple of days ago, that I like very much, in his coterie. So it hurt to carefully make a polite but short response, to this pleasant person that I like because, unfortunately, to complete a successful disengagement protocol, I have to disengage from this person as well. Everything is going well, logically. Of course it is all emotionally painful, but my emotions are slowly catching up with my logic. It was touch and go for a while. I even changed gyms, because of all the above mentioned people, but at the new gym, last week, I could not believe that one of the members of his coterie, a rude guy that is more so on the periphery of the coterie, that had never spoken to me before. was there. I ignored him as if I did not know him and he still came up to me and said, Hi. I said, hi, and walked away. I saw him again the next day, and he more forcefully said, Hi, to me. I said, hi, and left that area immediate;y. He knows I am a friendly person at work, so he is aware that I am not communicating with him. I hope he does not tell His Somatic Highness that I am at this new gym location, but there is nothing I can do about it. This new location is only 3 blocks from my apartment, so it makes since that I would change gyms and go there and hopefully they all do not put together that it is part of my disengagement from them, protocol. I have used the info. that I am ill to disengage from them all, while slowly changing my scheduling location, hours,etc. It is not their business why I left them. Although they may be smart enough to slowly put it together, because of how they treated me during the Narcissistic group madness that went on in that workplace, but they have no proof. Lots of draining Hoover madness is part of the Narcissism Dynamic.

        1. Abe Moline says:

          FM1T,

          You won’t see me on IG, I don’t have an account and I don’t intend to. I am also not really interested in details about HG’s dynamic with SM, I kind of already know where it’s going and I just expect (without any sort of impatience) the inevitable denouement.

          I will be afk for a few days, so don’t worry if you don’t see me commenting (or very rarely) for a week or so. I will surely not be hoovered in the meanwhile, I just have other matters to attend to (nothing troublesome, quite the opposite) 🙂.

          PSE,

          Fortunately, I don’t work with her. We just cross our paths sometimes. I hoped I could keep going to that same place because she was supposed to no longer come there for a while, but it seems it’s not quite as I expected…
          I’ll probably have to let go of those people too. Some of them are indeed lieutenants and coterie, but other are great and I’m really not happy about losing contact with them…

          I don’t care if they figure out that I am avoiding her, they probably saw this already last week. My pride indeed made me think for a while that I “lose” if I avoid, but I know it’s not true and I fully accepted that it’s not. I no longer care about that, I know I am right to do so, she deserves it, it’s her fault, not mine. I actually became proud that I am capable of avoiding her (very interesting how mind works and changes perception).
          But losing those people is still making me a bit angry and sad. It is bound to happen though. 🙁

          1. empath007 says:

            Hey Abe I have a lot of common friends with my narc too. I’ve turned down more events then I can count due to the fact that he would be at them.And will contiune to do so until he won’t affect me anymore.

            I understand it’s difficult
            To avoid living your own life just because you may or may not run into them. I have a strong pride streak and I don’t enjoy others dictating what I can and can not do. But I also think it sends a strong message to the narc that you will be ignoring them from now on by not showing up.

            You can think you have it under control but the more you see her at those events the more of a Hoover trigger that is for her. And let’s face it… she’s probably doing it on purpose to show up. Don’t give her the benefit of the doubt. She doesn’t deserve it.

            It’s really tough but I had to cut out friends of mine because of the narc. I had to make the decision that anyone who is blind to his ways is not worthy of my time or attention. That I am
            Better off alone then surrounding myself with people who act like survallaince cameras for the narc.

            All his friends are restricted or blocked on my social media.

            If they are true friends that will tell itself in time. But you don’t need to be associating with them.

            That may sound harsh and unreasonable… but I beleive your putting yourself at risk by seeing her.

          2. Abe Moline says:

            You know what? I’ll do it!
            Next time I get there will be the last time, only to say good bye to those people I still respect and will miss.

            I’ve already been thinking about this for a while. Last night and your comment (and others’) made me take the decision.

          3. foolme1time says:

            Abe,
            I hope you enjoy the other matters you have to attend to. Take care my friend. 🙃

          4. Abe Moline says:

            Thank you FM1T.

            I’ll take care to enjoy as much as possible. 🙂

            Have a beautiful weekend yourself!

  3. Abe Moline says:

    I think I tick most of these. And she’s a MR.

    Oh, well… there goes my hoover… 🙁

    1. Kiki says:

      Do not wish for the hoover Abe
      Especially out of curiosity that will be a big downfall. I thought I could handle it. look what happened. :-/ I ended up ranting like a deranged lunatic here, I wonder where the sane logical Kiki is gone.
      Trust me you are in a strong position now.

      Kiki

    2. Kiki says:

      Hi Abe

      You are male.

      I didn’t realise , it’s funny because you are quite logical and direct in your advice .

      I wonder ,and please Ladies I don’t mean to be sexist it’s just a question but do men in general have a greater ease in going from ET to logical thinking.

      Kiki

      1. Abe Moline says:

        I touch a bit this subject in my comment here:
        https://narcsite.com/2019/05/17/the-prime-aims-6/#comment-265566

        And, as K points out in same thread, HG also discusses this (men vs women) a bit here: https://narcsite.com/2017/09/26/why-is-the-narcissist-always-on-my-mind/

        I still have ET. It’s just that I got better at recognizing it (it’s actually easy – anything that makes you want to engage with the narc, to miss her/him, to think about her/him, and so on – is ET). So when I get these thoughts, even if I act upon them (for example, I still think about her, I was there when she arrived and I did not leave), at least I know what it is and try to avoid in the future, to find a way to fight them and give them less and less importance. In time, it gets easier.

        1. empath007 says:

          Good for you Abe! I struggled with my pride for a long time as well… but ultimately have been very happy with my decision to avoid events he’s at. If people want to be his best buddy and forget about me then in my mind they are not at all worth my time, I don’t need them.

          She’s showing up to bug you.. when you start not showing up time after time… its gonna eat at her. And just like that… you gain a little bit more of your power back.

      2. K says:

        Kiki
        In most cases, I think that men are better at transitioning from ET to LT than women. I can see the difference in Pale Horse’s and Abe Moline’s comments.

        1. MB says:

          Where is Pale Horse? I haven’t seen him since I’ve been back. That’s a good sign though. He moving on and making progress.

          1. K says:

            MB
            He checks in once and a while.

        2. Kiki says:

          Yes I see it , a weird thing is females are now outdoing males in the logic area of maths and physical sciences .
          I always believed as a female scientist men have more logic and it was our brain differences but I wonder now is that all conditioning of females to feel more ,to love the fairy tale and prince.
          E thinking is encouraged from a young age in girls ,play with dollies , play house , etc.
          I was more interested in garden bugs at the time and my poor mother didn’t know what kind of a child she had as I hated creepy dolls.
          I can say the females in my field are much smarter than the makes ,sorry guys but it’s true.
          I wonder if there was a world of zero social conditioning of females what the next generation of us would be like .A strong smart kick ass generation I imagine.

          1. empath007 says:

            It’s beginning to change Kiki! And as a result men in general (not just abusers) are having a harder time tying women down for anything long term anymore. Fact is (at least from the majority of examples I’ve seen in my own personal life) that men tend to just drag us down if anything. Most of my girlfriends are successful all
            On thier own, the men they are with tend to just leach off them.

  4. Courtney Westbrook says:

    My abusive narc ex told me that a part of him loves me more than anyone else and another part of him wishes he pressed down harder. I asked him why he feels this way? His response “Haah, I don’t know.” This was after writing me an essay on how much he loves me, misses me, and wants to try again. Anyway, moral of the story is do no break contact no matter how beautiful and flowery their hoover attempt is. It’s not worth it.

    1. Anm says:

      Gollum from Lord of the Rings was some Empath’s Narc Ex. He “loves the precious”, but also “hates” it.

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