The Power of Demise




“As long as I have a want. I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”

So said George Bernard Shaw. To us satisfaction is not death but we derive satisfaction from death, the death of others. I wrote about how I rarely attend funerals and explained the reasons why, but that is not to say that we will not use the instances of dying and of death to our distinct advantages. Indeed, where the spectre of death looms waiting to cut that last slender link between the person and life, with his sharpened scythe, our kind come crawling from the woodwork in order to avail ourselves of the copious fuel that is available. Should you see one of our kind re-appear after an absence, there is a reasonable chance that the sickly sweet smell of death has attracted us.

Should we learn that a family member or friend is about to shuffle off this mortal coil, then this presents a marvellous opportunity for our kind. To begin with, the façade can be maintained through demonstrating false compassion about the circumstances of the person whose demise is imminent. We know all the phrases to rollout to the procession of visitors and comforters who are drawn to the bed of the dying individual. We delight in keeping a vigil besides this person even though we may not have bothered with them in years. Should someone be as bold to question why we have appeared now of all times after remaining away, we will seize on such an unwarranted observation to castigate the questioner.

“How can you ask such a thing like that, at a time like this?”

“This isn’t about me; it is about Uncle Malcolm.” (How we say this with a straight face still surprises me.)

“You can talk, what have you done for her lately?” (Which will be asked even if we know that the questioner has been a total rock to the dying individual)

Our response will be designed to draw an emotional reaction and allow us to drink of the fuel provided.

We will provide the rudimentary appearance of caring, although it is all for show. We will of course leave the heavy lifting work to other people. We are not there to change the pus-ridden bandages or sooth the fevered brow. We will not clean up after someone soils themselves or spills food and drink down their front from shaking, tremulous hands. Not at all, but we will do what we do best and shower words of empty kindness, false compassion and fake consideration towards the ill individual. This makes us look good in the eyes of all assembled and their nods of approval and muttered thanks not only provides us with fuel but adds to the façade’s maintenance. We are a good stick for travelling all this way (we were coming anyway for another reason) and offering such eloquent words of comfort to all assembled.

Watch us as we move amidst family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours who turn up to see if they can help as we position ourselves as gatekeepers. Nobody gains admittance without seeing us first so that we may suck in the fuel that comes with such a heightened emotional situation. Tearful siblings, stern-faced uncles, bewildered cousins all ripe for us to send a pleasant and supportive comment towards, purely to receive their thanks, gratitude and approval.

We will not allow the person whose sands of time are running out to inhabit centre stage one last time as we camp on to their ground, usurping them through an exhibition of apparent concern and compassion. Watch carefully and you will see that we do not actually do anything for the dying person, that is not our role, there are minions for that and it is all beneath us. Instead, we see this as a chance to draw fuel and appear to be a supportive individual who is pulling everyone together and ensuring that the dying person’s final days are as happy and as comfortable as possible.

We have seen enough times what needs to be said in order to produce the tears, the slowly dipped head and the weak smile, the attempt to be brave despite the heavy sadness. Inside we do not feel this as we greet each person. We feel empowered at the fuel that flows. We hover by the bed, watching over the new arrival’s interaction with our charge, commenting on what we have been doing for them (in fact it will be someone else who has cared for them but we are content to take the credit) so we gain additional approval and thanks. We regard these visitors as having come really to see us, to thank us for our work, our generosity and our greatness, rather than the dying, shrivelled person in the bed nearby. Like some morbid cuckoo we appear and take over this person’s final act, claiming it for ourselves, our fuel lines snaking towards anybody and everybody who appears.

Of course there even remains the opportunity to draw fuel from the dying individual. Though they may look at us through morphine-hazed eyes and mumble medicated words which are difficult to discern, the tightness of their grip on our arm or hand tells us plenty about how they appreciate what we are doing. As their time on this world draws to a close, we still see the chance to pull some fuel from this person as we trot out the familiar platitudes at a time like this. We do not say them to convey comfort, but only to ensure that appreciation, gratitude and thanks comes our way and in turn fuels us.

As guardian and comforter-in-chief we position ourselves at the centre of everything during this period. We do little but direct others and issue our spoken commands and observations, all of which being self-serving. We will endeavour to create yet more fuel by leaning in low and listening intently as the dying person speaks, perhaps their last words as we nod and gently pat them with our hand, the chosen one for their final speech. We will take these words and use them to our advantage. Should the grieving widow, let’s call her Emily ask what her now departed husband said, we might dismiss his actual words and say,

“He said, tell Emily I am sorry for what I did.”

Her look of confusion at our false utterance will provide fuel. Alternatively, we might say,

“He said, tell Rose I love her so, so much.”

Her puzzled look as she asks “Who is Rose?” generates a further dollop of fuel.

Then again, we may pretend that some huge secret has been imparted to us and that we cannot say what it is in order to draw questioning and attention to ourselves.

Indeed, there may be instances where there is that last chance to draw some negative fuel, to make those dimmed eyes flares one last time in shock, hurt and confusion. An opportunity to lean in close and whisper a final caustic sentence, designed to consign this wretched person to spend their final moments in torment, unable to respond effectively, their grimaces and clawing indicative of the discomfort that has been caused by the parting savagery that has been gently spoken into their ear. A parting burst of negative fuel which underlines our sense of omnipotence that we can still achieve this even at a time like this. Such an act is usually saved for someone who we truly believe deserves it.

I have watched in my time a master practitioner at such behaviours. From silent child made to sit and observe, through to knowledgeable adult who can see straight through this veneer and who knows what is really being done. I have seen all these moves, actions and behaviours meted out by this supposed bastion of compassion and all the while I knew what was really going on.

I may not have copied those behaviours extensively myself – usually because time has never permitted me to spend such days providing such a vigil – but I have seen it when younger and snapshots when older, as well as recollections from others which all fits together. I know what she does. When she arrives, immaculately attired, heels clicking away on the floor as she assumes centre stage, I focus on that click click clicking and know that the death watch beetle has arrived.

I have learned and I may yet choose to apply those lessons should the need arise, but I know for sure that I will seek that last fountain of negative fuel before the death rattle. I know who I will save my choice comment for in order to achieve that satisfaction from death.

20 thoughts on “The Power of Demise

  1. Kiki says:

    Thank you again everyone ,I’m sorry if I’m wailing too much but I need to get it out .
    You are all so so kind.
    I used to journal this ,but no I’m not going back to that ,I’m not giving my energy to it.
    I will snap out of this , the feelings come up in waves.
    It is actually kind of weird and almost funny if I look at it from a distance.

    My logical thinking

    Narc I am always thinking about you .
    Me Hmmm you haven’t seen me for years .

    Narc Our friendship is important to me

    Me You can drop me like an old newspaper ,over and over again ,again you haven’t seen me in years.

    Narc I’m confused

    Me. So am I but it’s strange you never expect me to feel anything I just am supposed to be there ALWAYS.

    Narc You are so caring and supportive

    Me. You are NOT a bit supportive towards me ,it’s all you you you.

    Narc I need you

    Me When it suits you only ,when it doesn’t I am shoved away like an old toy.You take my energy to bolster your ego ,I’m the ONLY one in the dynamic gaining nothing and being USED to make you feel great.

    Narc We have such a connection

    Me. Only when it’s Hoover time , I bet there are many others ,offering their energy to you ,one you even told me about a friend with no attraction , like yeah , another very empathetic lady.

    And around and around it goes ,different year same story.


    1. foolme1time says:

      Do you not see what you are doing by continuing on with thinking of the good and bad or truth and none truth? That is not no contact, as long as you think of him in any way, shape, or form, even dead, you are feeding your emotional thinking. There is no difference from writing in a journal wasting your time and energy and writing it all out on here. You are fooling yourself and I believe you know that. You know what you have to do and I know when you are ready you will do it! Take care of yourself Kiki. 🌻

      1. Kiki says:

        Hi 1time. You are right but this relapse set me back. it’s fresh.
        If I don’t vent somewhere I Will lash out at him.I just will.
        I cannot pretend it didn’t happen that is why I am here after all.

        If I was totally solid I would not be here on the blog so much as I wouldn’t need to be.

        I do understand what you are saying I was at that stage but I’ve slipped.
        I’m v hurt right now and feeling v foolish and like.a desperate woman. they are just feelings but the kick to my self esteem wasn’t nice.
        I feel rejected and played and I’m struggling not to internalise it.
        I will get past it though.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Stay here venting and posting as much as you need to to get through it. We understand. If you have not done so yet, please consult with HG. He will have you through it quicker and more effectively than trying to deal with it on your own while flooded with all of these emotions. Best to you.

        2. foolme1time says:

          Sweet Kiki I know you will get through this. This is where you should be to vent what is inside of you at this time, please do not beat yourself up over this, that is something that is much easier for me to say then to do! I believe that is why I became so worried about you, I know how foolish and ridiculous at times I feel and it broke my heart to know you were going through this. If my last comment sounded harsh it was not meant that way, I simply didn’t want you to do what I always do and that is let my ET get the best of me. I know how desperate I was at times and it is not something I was proud of at all. It has taken HG years working with me to get to this point of understanding myself and what I do. I simply did not want to see you suffer through this alone. You are an amazing and kind person and a narcissist can see that from a mile away! Take care Kiki.

  2. Narc noob says:

    What will those words be, HG? Most likely kept safe and secure for Matrinarc.

  3. FYC says:

    Hello Kiki, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Your primal human desire to be loved and accepted by another is natural and healthy. You simply placed your faith in someone who was incapable of trust, love, honesty and real connection. Please forgive your self. You are worth everything. Your worth is deep within you and can never be found in another. So please give yourself your own approval to accept this truth.

    Please do follow FM1T’s advice. A consult with HG is the key to a rapid recovery. He will slash through the lies (including the lie that you are not enough) and help you engage your logical thinking so you can heal and gain absolute clarity. Perhaps more importantly, HG will help you develop the tools you need to prevent this from happening again. This is not your fault. We all support you. Take care, Kiki, and be good to yourself until you’re consult. Dont delay, contact HG.

  4. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Kiki: This post is very insightful for our voice, regarding When Was Our Full Horror Moment, and we knew we were DONE with all of this I hope I copied it correctly and it shows up, but if not just type in the search, or go to the beginning of July and find: What Was Your Full Horror Moment. Here are readers discussing when the Pain finally overcame the pleasure of the addiction to the Narcissist. It may help you remember how much you are not alone, and how much goes on in this dynamic, if you review this post again for a few moments:

  5. Tamara says:

    I like to ride on the swing, but only the one on the right, not the one on the left, of course.

  6. Kiki says:

    I. need to get a grip but it’s just bubbling up inside me.
    I won’t give him the twisted satisfaction of knowing this
    My self esteem is in shreds. I want to kick him hard between the legs.
    It’s my own fault. what was I thinking. nit such a swift discard.
    I’m internalising this rejection the fuck is 15 years older and may as well have said nah your not good enough.
    I have to get this out here or I will lash out.

    1. foolme1time says:

      It’s ok! This is what this place is for, this is all your emotional thinking consuming you right now. You are not horrible, stupid, or unattractive. He is the one that is horrible, and disgusting. This has set you back but you will be ok, if you have HGs books start reading them again, if you don’t then you need to start purchasing them right away. This happened because your ET is still to high for you to be thinking of any kind of relationship or to be anywhere near your ex. He knows you and he found his way in, this is what they do. Do as HG says, No Contact! Block, lock, and load baby, load up on as much of HGs information as you can and do it now! I’ll be here if you need me, we have all done this, it’s ok. We’ll help you get through it. I know I have told you before, but I’m telling you again! Consult with HG!!

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Block, lock, and load. Love it. Would make a great t-shirt.

        1. foolme1time says:

          NA you’re rubbing off on me Sister. 😉🙃

    2. Joanne says:

      I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. We have all been there – have given too much benefit of doubt, too many chances. It is ok. You’re human and want to see the best in people. My self esteem was in the gutter as well, and any time I managed to repair it, I’d somehow lose it all again via one misstep in my ongoing communications with him over social media. I’d get too comfortable, tricked into thinking things were good and I’d hand him back the power. I hated myself for it. NC was the only thing that stopped these feelings. I’ll echo what the other girls have said on the consult with HG. It was hugely helpful to me. This was 6+ months ago and it helped me then and it (the very same audio recording) still helps me today. We are all slow learners because their behavior is just so foreign to us. We want to believe them when they are nice and sweet. We want to trust even when they’ve shown they’re not trustworthy. You can start again. You can rebuild. You are worthy and we’re all here for you so vent your spleen ❤️

  7. Kiki says:

    I need a place to vent. I’m sorry everyone I’m just need to vent. I want to lash out at the ex narc I stupidly met.
    I know it’s fuel I know and I won’t, I want to cry. I came so far and I’ve humiliated myself by being so nice and eager.
    I have been played again, and this time I feel sick.
    The fucking bastard played me like a harp. I am so angry so disgusted with myself for listening attentively to his problems.
    Oh he must think he is invincible. Gods gift.
    I feel unattractive and horrible totally humiliated. Am I stupid it looks like it now.
    I feel like I want to scream.
    I refuse to cry how the fuck did this happen.

    Hg you are so lucky not feel like this I wish I was. Narc to punish him like a narc can

    1. Kiki says:

      Ok what have I learned.
      Hg is right Always.I knew he was but my own lack of validation made me want to hope the narc wasn’t a narc but I knew.
      My Et is v dangerous and it has to stop.
      Thank God I didn’t sleep with him.
      Imagine how I would feel.
      He is just pressing my buttons, bringing every ugly insecurity I have to the fore.
      Maybe this is a good thing, time to face my own demons which will stop the fuel supply.
      A healthy well rounded woman would not have been as stupid as me.
      I need to work on.myself.
      I think I m falling into the category of the slower learner here.
      In theory I’m good. I get all the concepts. but walking the walk is hard because of my Own insecurity.
      Desperation plus deep seated insecurity equals Emotional thinking. I wanted to believe the manipulation to feel worthwhile and desired.
      That’s the narcs weapon they know we are insecure in sone way, hungry for love.
      Well for me anyway.
      Sorry everyone I’m just using this like a diary entry it helps.

      1. foolme1time says:

        Kiki it’s ok not to get it right away, what’s important is that you get it! I struggle everyday with the insecurities you are talking about, but everyday I get up and find something positive in myself to work with. Having HG and the support of the amazing people on here is what gets me through day after day. You ignored the red flags because your addiction and ET won out, that is all. Stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself sweetie.

      2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

        Dear Kiki: Are you sure you are truly disgusted though? True disgust is a gift. It means you will not go through this when he swings around again. So, if you are truly disgusted, cry and get it out of your system and then take a mental and emotional break, if you can. Order in and stay home until you are bored enough to resume activities. Write this day down as the day you really and truly became disgusted, and put a star by it for ACHIEVEMENT. However, until the pain or disgust outweighs the pleasure of your hopes, this will be repeated. And we will be calming down Kiki over this guy over and over and over and over. As he drops by for a stopover and then hits the road, again and again and again. This is not a good lifestyle for you, and can ruin your health. xxxx

      3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dearest Kiki,
        Slow down sweetheart…… it’s ok
        You’re allowed to have feelings … thats ok
        You want what you had before …. and that’s ok too

        He’s a dick
        The thing is ….you know he’s a dick
        The thing is also … he will always be a dick and cannot change
        The the most important thing is….YOU can change … therein lies your power

        Don’t cry Kiki, you’ll ruin your makeup ….he’s not worth it
        You dust yourself off , pick yourself up and start over again and keep doing this until your legs start to hurt getting up for a dick (a dick has no memory or conscience btw)

        I’m that “healthy well rounded woman” you speak of who was sucked in by his “please feel sorry for me, you’re the only friend I have” crap ….again n again ….stupid, no …..I believed him, we all did ! I helped a veteran with PTSD (I thought) from taking his life ……he played me for a fool !

        This dick is doing the same to you precious one

        You are NOT stupid Kiki (nor are you a fool)
        You just want to be loved needed n wanted because you have so much to give
        Keep venting if need be .. we are all here for you my lovely
        You’re not a slow learner, you know more than you think
        You’re amazing and you will beat this
        There’s an interesting post on Facebook you may like to take a peak at …. it’s called Hack Spirit… it has some really good “real” positive motivational quotes n articles
        Now wheres your feather duster ? (Achoo)
        Good girl 😊
        Bug Bubble Bear hugs to you beautiful
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      4. Abe Moline says:

        There, there, Kiki.

        See, there are also good things in all this:
        You did not sleep with him.
        You now know it’s ET and it has to stop.
        You now know you have to work on yourself.

        You’re not stupid, Kiki. You just made a mistake.
        On the contrary, you’re much smarter now because you learned something.

        Put a smile on your face, even if it’s through tears and anger, and move forward! 🙂

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