For the Sake of Argument


Would you like to know what is going through my mind when we argue? Thought you would.

I do enjoy an argument. I love to start a squabble, a contretemps and escalate it to a quarrel through to an altercation, a fight ! By now I am sure you have realised that the reason I do this is twofold. First, I am provoking an emotional reaction from you which gives me fuel. Secondly, it enables me to put you in your place and control you by being abusive towards you. I keep it within the realms of stinging and barbed verbal abuse but there are those of my brethren who do like to let their fists do the talking. That is not my style but we cannot shy away from the truth of what is being done in the name of “a discussion”.

I know from experience and also from reading numerous comments and observations that you regard arguing with me akin to banging your head against a brick wall. You cannot understand the stance we adopt in an argument. Surely we must recognise that what we are saying makes no sense? Do we not realise that our position lacks logic? I will endeavour to enlighten you. I recognise two types of argument. The first is created by me. The second is created by you. What they both have in common is you are at fault.

In the first type I generate an argument out of nothing. You find this disorienting and confusing. In fact,I will often do this after we have just done something delightful together (throwing you from a height is all the more delicious – see Get Ready To Drop). I will invent some offence (why did you just look at that man across from us, when you did not) or I will seize on something utterly trivial (thanks for taking that last drop (and it was a drop) of the sauvignon blanc). I will level the accusation at you. You will at first be stunned because everything was going swimmingly. You will then be perplexed as my accusation is either untrue or so minor to be negligible. Why is he getting so het up over nothing? Indignance will then rise inside you as your inner self questions whether you are just going to sit and take this unjust accusation. I am shouting at you now and you either run away or fight back. It might go something like this.

“Oh thanks for taking the last of the wine, I wanted that. I have hardly had any.”

“Sorry? There was only a drop left.”

“But you didn’t ask me if I wanted it did you?”

“I didn’t think to, there was just a dribble.”

“You didn’t think? That’s the trouble with you. You never think.”

“Oh come on, besides you’ve had plenty of wine anyway.”

“Are you saying I have a drink problem?”

“Woah, where did that come from?”

“You. You are always doing this. You do something selfish and then turn it into an attack about me. Just because you cannot stand for someone to point out when you have done something wrong.”

“Good God, what are you talking about?”

“That’s it, try to dismiss me when I am making a valid point.”

“I only poured a drop of wine into my glass. It is not big deal. Here, if it troubles you so much, have what is left in my glass.”

“No, it’s too late. The damage is done. You are trying to make light of when I am pointing something out to you.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Oh I am ridiculous am I, well that’s rich coming from someone who drinks a bottle, at least one, a day.”

“Where do you get that from? No I don’t.”

“Yes you do. I am concerned about your drinking, have you ever considered getting some help?”

And on it goes.

When I start an argument like this I am not interested in proving what I am saying is correct. I am already right in my mind. You should note that ‘right’ and ‘correct’ are not necessarily the same thing. The whole purpose of this type of argument is for me to upset you and turn an otherwise pleasant experience into a horrible one. This is about exerting control so that you become wary about upsetting me. Next time you will always ensure you offer to pour me a glass of wine before tending to yourself for fear of causing an argument. Of course,, the next time I will be arguing about how you took the last profiterole instead even though I had eaten five more than you already.

The second type of argument is where you level a complaint or accusation at me. Invariably what you say is correct and you have valid grounds for raising it. You will also do so in a calm and level-headed fashion because that is your style. When you do this I do not hear what you are actually saying to me. The validity of your argument is meaningless to me. The piece of paper that documents your point may as well be written in Sanskrit for all the notice I will take of it. All I hear is you criticising me and I hate that. I absolutely hate it. How dare someone like you, who is inferior to someone like me, have the audacity to suggest I have done something wrong. I do not hear your words, I do not see the video recording you are playing back, all I hear is an unjust and scathing attack on me. Your words are drowned out by the raging fire that surges through me. The noise of the flames renders me deaf to your cool logic. I will deflect, deny and launch my own attacks (usually predicated on inventions) in order to beat you back. I am not interested in the correctness of what is being argued about. I am only interested in stopping the burning sensation I feel from your criticism and to do that I have to extinguish you. This is when I lose control and lash out. I will hurl savage insults at you and I will smash items of property (in my mind I am smashing you, just another object in front of me when I do this) and some of my kind will engage in physical violence. You will try to make me see that I am wrong (any healthy person would do this) and you are utterly flabbergasted as to why I cannot see what you are saying to me. Now you know. I cannot see because of the fiery rage that has erupted.

How do you deal with me in these two types of argument? Well, I am saving that information for another time. In the meanwhile, see if you can piece together that ornament I just have hurled against the wall.

10 thoughts on “For the Sake of Argument

  1. Shelf Fuel says:

    When my Piano Boy MMRN is “arguing” with me he tends to spin it back on me like it is my fault. When I point this out and tell HIM that he is over-reacting or reading too much into it (the same shit he always says to me) he then says stuff like “well how should I react? what should I say?” And then when I tell him he can react however he wishes and say whatever he wants but that does not mean he is right. When I say that he then pours the sugar back on me again “Oh we will get through this, we always do, I love you so much”.

  2. Whitney says:

    HG I’m over the LMR Somatic and see clearly he treated me worse than an animal and felt powerful when I was pregnant. And I don’t feel angry, I pity him.

  3. Desirée says:

    Can narcissists have some form of emotional thinking as well, or is it all fury? I am asking because there is an aspect of my ET that can be very vile, vicious and furious, not unlike what I have seen from the narcs I have been entagled with. While I understand that it’s very different and my emotions in this regard are caused by recent abuse, it did make me wonder.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes narcissists have emotional thinking.

      1. FYC says:

        “Yes narcissists have emotional thinking.”

        HG, Will you please expand on this? I’m sure we all would like to know more about how the N experiences ET. Thank you very much in advance!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Brief example :-

          1. Narcissist has history of 10 failed romantic relationships. Evidence suggests that those relationships were poor ones and relationships do not last, because they each failed. This is the logic.
          2. Narcissist believes current prospect ‘is the one’ and previous relationships ended because each time it was the ‘fault of the other person.’ ET.

  4. K says:

    HG… You’re leaving us hanging! Definitely experienced these two types of conflicts… In fact I am enjoying a silent treatment because of one I think since I have been tinkering with the narc like a bad empath -I know I need to stop… It just keeps my ET alive. I’m interested to see the follow up information.

  5. WiserNow says:

    This would have to be one of my mother’s greatest strengths – starting an argument out of nothing.

    She is a victim narcissist. She is elderly and ill, lives at home, and needs support and care, so total ‘no contact’ is not entirely possible.

    Throughout her life she has had her co-dependent husband beside her and he knows only too well that arguing with her is futile. Her golden child is wrapped around her little finger and thinks and behaves in a similar way. So, I think she likes to raise the dust (i.e. get some fuel and control) with people who are more susceptible to being provoked into an argument (like me).

    She has used, abused, exploited, insulted, devalued, belittled, invalidated, ignored, emotionally neglected, and harangued the people close to her for years and years, and STILL she expects her stupid pity plays, gaslighting, neediness and pathetic word salads to work. They don’t. I am entirely fed up of her and her empty, endless, victim mentality that has no end. But… I cannot simply walk away.

    Sorry for the rant. This article came at just the right time. It is helpful to read this. It helps strengthen immunity. Some things need to be done, but at least they can be done with awareness and with as little emotional thinking as possible.

  6. judia1951 says:

    omg….you know everything…this is exactly what happens! Is there any remedy or hope?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Indeed I do.
      2. Remedy for what? Curing narcissism ? No. For what you have experienced? Yes.
      3. Do not rely on hope.

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