In The End It Has To Hurt
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
8 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt”
Prime article. Devaluation is the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around. This is always helpful to read.
Hi MB. I love the strawberry ice cream example! It’s so useful and a perfect illustration. I remember in my years of utter bewilderment wondering why he was seemingly unfettered by the horrible environment in our home and it also now makes sense. He had total control so while I just wanted carefree happiness he was operating with a totally different agenda. They don’t do happy—they power/control and the occasional ice cream sundae. HG—I wish you would have come along a decade ago. You would have saved me a ton of misery.
Hi Lorelei, IPPS is obviously no walk in the park. I would’ve jumped in with both feet if I’d had the chance too. Finding HGs work will forever save me from that thinking if opportunity should arise again in this lifetime. I don’t know if I have complete “carefree happiness” but it’s pretty damn close! Good for you getting out and again, Happy Divorce!!
Thanks MB. I’ve been dealing with the “business end” elements for the past week. There is a lot to do upcoming and unfortunately one phone conference I have to do with he and an insurance rep or I potentially lose $3000 if I don’t do the meeting. (Long dumb story) Lots of paperwork, financial reconstruction because we were slipping assets under the table in a sort’ve legal manner.. It’s just hard work and no way around it. I have estate planning to do ASAP.. I am absolutely ecstatic though and I’m glad there is no legal attachment to me from the marital component. Once the business stuff is finished it’ll sink in more.
Hmmm… Let me tell you , how it is with me..
If I try a new ( let’s stay with the ice cream example) ice cream type. A type I’ve never heard about . I try it first, and if I come to the core of the “ice cream ” and it only taste terrible and bitter, I throw it in the trash ! I don’t try it again and again ! It takes only one try for me, to know this “ice cream ” is horrible !
Susisorgloss, are you saying that as soon as you find yourself in a relationship with a narc, or an otherwise toxic relationship, that you GOSO immediately?
I only made this experience with a Narc once… ! The nightmare costs me 3 years of my precious life time!!
I know the signs now !
I would leave this toxic bs emidiatly , YES !!! If someone would promise the heaven on earth, and claim to be
“Mr. Perfect “…. I’m out…👍🏻💯
Hi susi…great analogy! So many times ive ignored my gut feeling or red flags and keep giving individuals chances only to find out i was right about my suspicions about them based on the konwledge.