GOSO ONE

What is G.O.S.O. ?

It is the golden concept of ‘Get Out, Stay Out’ which is what every victim of our kind ought to apply to their situation.

Whether you have realised that you have been ensnared by a narcissist or you now realise that this particular person is an abuser, GOSO is always applicable.

Those who have not been caught up in an entanglement with our kind may regard this as blindingly obvious. Of course, what they do not realise is that GOSO has two formidable enemies ; us and you – thus applying GOSO is far harder than they realise.

Of these two enemies it is evident why we are the first one. We regard you as our property, no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix, from NITS to IPPS, you belong to us and you are there to serve the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. The higher your status in the Fuel Index, the greater the effort that will be applied to keep you in place. You will be fully familiar with many of the various manipulations we use to ensure you go nowhere and remain in situ. Our Devil’s Toolkit is used to make sure you are compliant, pumping out fuel and under our control. This control is often substantial, however, you start to recognise the manipulations, you learn about gas lighting, triangulation, word salad and so on and begin to see when these are used. You begin to realise that you should not be treated in this way and with your increased understanding you start to loosen the grip that we have on you.

You begin to see matters in a different light. You now see an abuser, a narcissist, stood before you and not the person you once thought we were. Your resolve increases, your determination solidifies as you realise that you need to remove yourself from our toxic influence. You know what you are dealing with now – it is time to get out. However, there is a second enemy that has loomed into view – you.

You are your own enemy or more specifically, your emotional thinking is. You know you need to get out. Getting out maybe the clear act of ending the formal relationship, moving out of a property or moving us out –  implementing no contact and that is the ultimate aim. Sometimes it is getting out of the abusive environment even though you cannot implement no contact, but you are getting out of the influence and detrimental behaviour that you have endured for so long. Whichever one it is, you realise it is time to get out.

It is then that this second enemy of emotional thinking strikes. Emotional thinking is a con artist. Its sole aim is to ensure that your addiction to us is fed. Emotional thinking does not have your interests at heart, although it will pretend that it does. You are trying to remove yourself from one con artist just as another appears although this one is just as hard to spot as our kind. Your emotional thinking wants to always be your first response in any situation concerning our kind because it wants to ensure that you keep feeding the addiction to us. This means that you have to keep engaging with us, thinking about us, seeing us, doing things for us. By remaining within our influence, the addiction remains fed and emotional thinking will do whatever it can to maintain that situation.

Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. It has no interest in the fact that your self-confidence has vanished, that you are utterly exhausted, that you are confused, that you are nursing a broken arm, that you are bleeding money, that your sense of self is evaporating, that you have lost your friends, that your job is suffering and a hundred other misfortunes. All it cares about is ensuring that you do not get out. By stopping this happening, the addiction is fed.

Accordingly, this sly and devious emotional thinking will occupy your thoughts as quickly as it can in order to keep cool, hard logic at bay. Unfortunately for you, it does this with considerable ease because :-

  1. You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out;
  2. You have been repeatedly conditioned by our manipulation to adopt emotional thinking, so that it is always the immediate response when you are making decisions;
  3. Your ability to cope will have been reduced. Emotional thinking offers you the ‘easy’ option (but not the right option) and when you are ground down, this has considerable appeal.

So, what is the consequence? Your logical thinking tells you “This person is bad for me, I need to get out.” Before logical thinking can add anything else, your emotional thinking surges and drowns it out and instead fills your mind with what it wants you to think. Indeed, so significant is this emotional thinking that it becomes your only way of thinking and ‘takes over’ in terms of what you do. Emotional thinking is governing you and because it is, you are unable to see that it is. It removes your insight. That is why you often look back and think “What the hell was I thinking? That wasn’t me”. That is because you were placed on auto-pilot by your emotional thinking and you took a course of action without realising the impact of it, because your logical thinking could not get a look in.

How does this emotional thinking manifest? It is devious as I mentioned, because what it does is masquerade as something which is linked to your empathic traits so it convinces that what you are doing is actually ‘good’ and the ‘right thing’ to do. All part of its conning nature. Thus, when you have that brief moment of logic and decide that you need to get out, emotional thinking is alerted and realises there is a danger to getting its fix of the addiction to us. It surges and manifests in many different ways, such as :-

“But if I leave, how he will be able to manage. I will feel bad for him.” – this links to your traits of decency and feeling guilt.

Logic would say

“Why be concerned about how we will manage? He has never been concerned about how you have managed? You do not have to be responsible for this person. Get out.”

Yet logic is unheard.

Emotional thinking will say :-

“But what if he can change, he said he will get therapy and he has made an appointment. What if I go and miss out on him changing for the better?” – this links to your traits of hope and the desire to heal.

Logic would tell you

“He is a narcissist. He will not change. He cannot change. You have no need to stay. Get out.”

Yet logic is unheard.

Emotional thinking will say:-

“Now isn’t a good time it is his birthday/her mother just died/she has a big project at work/he isn’t well.” – this links into your traits of guilt and decency.

Logic would tell you

“Now is the right time. He spoiled your birthday/ she didn’t care when your father died/ he has never supported your work/ she never looked after you when you were unwell. You deserve better. Get out.”

Yet logic is unheard.

Here are further examples of the emotional thinking which stops you getting out. Are any familiar? What would logical thinking be telling you in response if it was heard?

“I don’t have anywhere to go to and I like living in this house.”

“But what if the children want to see him and that upsets them?”

“I am frightened of what he will do to me.”

“He said if I ever left him he would post those videos and pictures on the internet.”

“I don’t want to feel like I have failed and give up on us.”

“I know she is seeing someone else, what if I go and they end up happy together? Why should I give them a clear run at a relationship together?”

“But I still love her.”

“He needs my help, i cannot walk away from someone who is needing help.”

“She hasn’t got anybody else but me.”

“It will be too hard to do it. I just need to find a way of making him happy instead.”

“What will I do for money? He controls it all, I will be destitute.”

“I am scared to date again.”

“What will people think though if I go, it will make him look bad at work and to his friends.”

“It could be worse, I mean, she is wonderful sometimes and the sex is amazing. I can put up with it for the good times surely?”

“I am getting old and I don’t want to have to start all over again.”

“I would go, but I have to stay for the sake of the children.”

“I am not giving up, you have to fight sometimes to save a relationship and I am a fighter.”

“I just have to love him more. Love will save the day. It has to.”

Your emotional thinking will use fear, guilt, hope, dedication, valiance, selflessness, status, loyalty and more besides to make you stay and derail your attempt to get out.

A fundamental part of Getting Out is to recognise that it is your emotional thinking that is talking to you, that this is not the right way of thinking and that this emotional thinking is a con artist.

By disciplining your mind to recognise emotional thinking, you will then allow logic an opportunity to make itself heard. When logic makes itself heard, emotional thinking will fight back, but the more you engage in recognising this emotional thinking and allowing logic to make itself heard, the easier it will become until you will instinctively realise you are adopting emotional thinking and you will then apply logic. Keep maintaining this discipline and you will then find that logic will start to prevail and you are conquering the second enemy so that you now see no reason to remain and your stated desire to get out will be fulfilled.

How might you bring about the state of affairs? The major one is to build your understanding by reading. This develops your logic and provides you with material that your mind can go to instead of just finding emotional thoughts which will not help you. You need to have a repository of material which your mind can access which reminds you of what you are dealing with.

There are also numerous techniques to adjust your thought process, but I will explain one to you now. One method is to find a totem. Find an object, it might be a polished stone from the beach, it might be a lump of amethyst, a piece of jewellery belonging to someone special, an unusual coin, a stress ball – it can be anything so long as it fits into your hand. This then needs to be placed somewhere you will see it every day – on your nightstand, on the console table by the front door, next to the sink in the bathroom. Every day you must take the totem and wrap your hand around it, feel it in your hand and then ask yourself

“I must GOSO. What would logic tell me to do?”

Chances are the first response will be a piece of emotional thinking similar to those listed above. Halt the thought and assess it. Is this logic or emotional thinking? Recognise what it is. If, as expected, it is emotional thinking then destroy that thought by working out what the logic is – you will find the logical thinking will appear quicker than you would imagine because you have been building your understanding.

Do this every day around the same time. You will then find that when you have an emotional thought you will recognise to go to your totem, hold it and reject the emotional thought and work out the logic. You may need to go to your totem a dozen times a day, but steadily you are building your logic, reducing your reliance on emotional thinking and then you will find you are doing it without needing to go to your totem because you have reset your thinking. As this happens, you will then find the clarity and resolve to get out and not be stopped.

It is not easy. We instinctively know that your mind is fighting to prevent you from getting out and we rely on this in tandem with our own endeavours to keep you under our control. However, by building your understanding and resetting your thinking, you will get your emotional thinking under enough control to act on the need to get out.

28 thoughts on “GOSO ONE

  1. Tamara says:

    This is the first time I have read this article. It actually helped me snap out of an emotional situation I was having at the present time where I felt shattered. And now, after having just read this article, I feel logically hopeful, again, because I looked at it from a “logical perspective”! It gave me new and fresh clarity!

    I will find something, as your article suggests, and it will be a reminder to me to think “logically, and not emotionally”. Yes, it will take a lot of work, self-discipline, and perseverance (especially for someone, such as myself), but I know that I can do it if I keep at it.

    This actually is a great DBT Skill, but I’ve always had difficulty implementing the DBT Skills due to intense emotions, but I find that this post, here, has made this particular skill doable, whereas the DBT book that I purchased several years ago, turned out to be fairly useless because, though it explained “what to do”, it never really gave a working example.

    So, thank you, Mr. Tudor.

    Also, is the GOSO, Part II, out, yet?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. GOSO Part 2 is the consultation as detailed in the menu bar.

      1. Tamara says:

        Oh, I see. Thank you very much! Love this!

    2. lisk says:

      “Logically hopeful”

      Not sure if that’s an oxymoron or not, but I like the sound–and hopefulness–of it!

      1. Tamara says:

        Lisk,

        Thank you; sort of a paradox, oxymoron, with a vague hint of lavender icing along the edges (lol)

    3. B says:

      Tamara, something I have done that is helpful is put a word or phrase on my calendar every day to help reinforce my reasons for getting out, i.e. “lies about everything”, “shows no compassion”, or specific things “lied about his father’s military service”. Fill your calendar as far out as possible then recycle them as needed.

      1. Tamara says:

        B, this is such a good idea. Thank you.

        BTW, what you said about the military reminds me of how he lied and said he was demoted from being a Sargent and flying helicopters due to drug use in his arms but because the Commanders liked him so much, they begged him to come back and be a Sargent, again, and fly his helicopters!

        He also claimed he was some sort of hero, or something, despite the drugs he said he used in his arms, back then (because that’s how much they all loved him, and everything).

        Of course, back then, I totally believed everything he said, and I was like, “Wow…” He fed me so much B.S.

        1. B says:

          One of the stories I was told, in great dramatic and elaborate detail, was how devastated he was at 11 years old having pitched in the Little League World Series and lost the game. And how he cried and locked himself in his room for days. I cannot tell you how that story affected me and sucked me in…I wanted to make it all better for that little boy. It also colored my understanding of why he was so competitive in his career in sales, how he was so driven to prove himself
          As it turns out, the rosters for all LLWS teams are on the Little League website. And guess what…his name was not on it though his team’s was. I am guessing the actual devastation was not making the team as baseball was a huge thing in his life. I also heard another whole story which I assume is bullshit about why he did not play pro after college.
          I was floored when I found that website and could not imagine why he made up such an elaborate and dramatic story like that😳
          There were others, of course. So sad!!

          1. Tamara says:

            Ya, some of their stories are so ‘over the top’! I can actually look back, now, and laugh about some of them… lol. BTW, he wanted me to call him “Sargent” as his nickname (and, I did). 🙄

          2. B says:

            Mine had a (sweet) nickname for me and never ever called me by name. He had one too and I always used it.
            HG: What’s behind this nickname business?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Do see the article ´Pet´.

          4. B says:

            Thanks HG. I read it just now. I am pretty dumbstruck.
            The nickname he uses for me is the same my ex-husband used (I told the Narc about it one day and that was that.
            Thanks again. I am learning.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome. You will learn a lot here, B. Keep reading.

          6. B says:

            I already have HG.
            I have been successful NC with my raging Narcissist mother for more than 20 years but the empath she molded me into has struggled her whole life with relationships with Narcissists of all kinds. This last one has to be the end for me.

          7. B says:

            Commenting on my own comment…as I thought about this, I realized that my “so sad” final remark is the clear sign of an empath. I actually feel sadness for him and his ridiculous lies. Most normal people would think lies like that are sick or evil (in their blatant attempt to manipulate) or simply gross.

          8. Tamara says:

            During Golden Phase, I was “Angel”, “Honey”, “Sweetheart”, “Sugar”, “Beauty”, “Ladybug”, ETC.,., but during Devaluation, I suddenly became “demon spawn”, “b*tch”, “brat”, “freak”, “Maniac”, “possessed by four demons”, ETC.,.

            I always told him that I hated to be called: “Tam”, so that’s what he made sure to call me in his condescending voice. I hated that, and he knew it.

            He wanted to get married within two weeks of knowing me, and being that he was a Somatic Narcissist, it figures that the song he wanted played “just for me” at our wedding was “Rag Doll”, by Aerosmith. (Such a romantic fellow, he was).

            https://youtu.be/fCeRXHyBQsA

      2. lisk says:

        B, I could put “Remember the silent treatments?” on the calendar every day. Just recycling a consistent reminder of one of his main methods of abuse every single day would make it easy to forget about him for good.

        1. B says:

          Lisk it also helps when you are tempted to contact him. Focus on the Reason du Jour and hopefully you’ll get angry enough to maintain no contact.

  2. Caroline R says:

    HG
    This is one of my favourite articles of yours.
    I love it on YouTube video too.
    High rotation on the playlist.

    Thanks!

  3. olderandwisernow says:

    Great article and as always you helps us balance our ET with logic. I am finally away from the Greater N/psychopath. I was his DLS who was ‘too busy’ to meet him any more and worked to slowly step away from him without any drama. He recently married his live in GF of three years who has been financially supporting him. She has a nest egg that he now has access to. He married on the same day as my daughter’s anniversary last year and wore the ‘Master’ bracelet I gave him a for our ‘ceremony’. (I am psychically connected to him and today saw his wedding photos within 1 minute of his post- when I would normally look there once every two weeks.) He used to hide all his FB stuff but broadcasts on public view. I know none of these are coincidences and that he is triangulating me and many others. Interestingly, there are no good memories anymore since I realize that none of it was real.

    Thank goodness for HG’s post because although I feel a twinge of hurt, I feel more relief that I got away from him fairly unscathed and sadness for her knowing what the next decade will be like for her. My next phase will be to GOSO. No more peeking at social media. I can’t change my number because I use it for work but I don’t pick up blocked calls (he used to call that way).

    A huge thank you to HG for all the great articles, advice, and mentoring. I would not have been able to see those photos today and feel relief if it had not been for you. 🌸

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome OAWN

    2. Caroline R says:

      Olderandwisernow
      I feel for you.
      Such heartache!
      You’re among friends here.

  4. Kel says:

    Excellent! So our ET was created by narcissists, and for me, the narcissist household I grew up in. I always thought I was a positive person, but then I realized recently that I was really always seeing things as the glass half empty, not full, due to my ET, worrying, stressing. I realized I was actually a negative person who believed in positivity. Wow, what a difference it makes once you realize that. Wording it as you do, that ET’s our enemy, an artificial creature, hoisted on us by a narc, is truly enlightening.

  5. E&L says:

    Hi HG,
    1) Does being “Normal” mean a person is more stable?
    2) Does being “Normal” mean a person is less likely to compromise their own moral code or integrity?
    3) Is there an inherent benefit to being “Normal”?
    Thank you if you are inclined to answer.

    It seems that the notion of narc/empath creates a bad/good assumption. But let’s say a loving, devoted, destitute mother steals pills for her ill child. And, those pills took decades to become FDA certified after years and years of animal testing. No one would call the mother a narc, except maybe the animals having been exploited by a dominant species. And, the mother’s empathy and devotion for her child is a catalyst that allows her to break the law.

    You are a Narcissist, yet you help an enormous amount of people on this blog. Good and bad judgements are personal. And, maybe, the “Normal” can live without such restrictive constraints from the extremes. Live and let live, let it be, and so on.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi E&L,

      1. A normal is less susceptible to being ensnared and is less likely to remain ensnared if ensnarement occurs. Are they more stable? I do not think it is a case of stability.
      2. Yes albeit they do not have a moral code as high as the empath.
      3. Yes.

      There is no objective standard for good and bad, it is all subjective as I have explained previously.

      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        What is the benefit to being normal HG?

        Would it not be rather dull?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have no desire to be normal. If you are normal however you are far less likely to become ensnared by our kind and if you do, you are more likely to walk away from the ensnarement at an early juncture. Normals do not consider themselves boring.

          1. Alexissmith2016 says:

            If they are contented and not on a constant rollercoaster with a narc and do not consider themselves to be dull, it must be quite nice actually.

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