Vulnerable

 

VULNERABLE

Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward. It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.

As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes, I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion. What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you anymore. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before. The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us. From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns. There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.

This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.

“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”

You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if I actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.

All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile. Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact you suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date. Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.

I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.

29 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. cb says:

    Somewhere in our gut,

    there is that feeling that healthy guys are attracted to happiness and confidence, not neediness,

    but we try to overshade those thoughts.

    “Maybe he sees how wonderful I am and wants to save me, he is so happy that he found a soulmate”

  2. Sarah says:

    My observation is that Narcs are trauma seekers. When this happens in the workplace, it can be so devastating to watch. My N boss uses people’s own words and vulnerabilities to hang them later on. I realised very early on that choosing the wrong word could quickly end someone’s tenure within our organisation. As the N’s Strategic Advisor, I have been navigating these land mines for the last 18 months.

    Silence has been my means of survival under this reign of terror. The compromise I have to make to get some useful things done has become too great and it is time to go. Compromise is a question of judgement – how far can you go without espousing a matter of great principle? It is never politically expedient to do the right thing no matter the consequences and you could not survive long in my line of work by choosing this pathway. But, I understand how she thinks, I understand how she views the world and it is absolutely incompatible with my principles.

    I am going to resign from my job next week. I think my boss is a Lesser of sorts in spite of her success. Her fury is very quick to ignite, she is ruthless and she is a dictator. She will not see this coming and I am walking away from 10 years within the same organisation without another job to go to. This will wound her as my reputation is very solid and she will see it as a criticism. I will brace myself for the worst while hoping for the best.

    Wish me luck!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are fuel and control, not trauma.

      1. Sarah says:

        Thanks for the clarification HG.

        I meant seeking information about others traumas and vulnerabilities to manipulate them which provides fuel and control.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Noted and that’s accurate

          1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Dearest HG: Regarding the photo: I remember that you used another photo of a man that was made of mirrors, a little while ago, but I can not find it. And I was reminded then of Quantum Stealth Technology: Especially cloaking that the militaries are working on to cloak individuals. Do you know about all this Quantum Stealth Cloaking for individuals? I looked for a video, and I found this one below, of aprox. 12 minutes from CNN news. it is interesting to me. I guess mirroring a person is sort of stealth as well. Perhaps that is why your mirror images reminded me of the stealth cloaking clothing. To blend in with the source`s desires, and one essentially becomes invisible, when the source is actually visualizing their own dreams reflected by the Narcissist, instead of seeing the Narcissist.https://youtu.be/SOomEaxamiE

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Yes I have heard of it. You are thinking about the cover of Splintered Malice.

    2. lisk says:

      Sarah, please look for and find a new job before you resign from this one.

      Believe it or not, you are in a very strong position right now, as you have The Narc Knowledge: you know how narcs operate and why they do what they do. Just look at all the people around you who react to her and truly suffer because they do not understand where she is coming from. You do not react because you know.

      Work this situation as best you can. Strategize as best you can. Please don’t let the narc put you in a position to self-sabotage your career.

      While I have not yet done a consultation with HG, if I were you, I would head straight to his Consultations page and seek out an audio consultation. https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/

      (The “How to Handle the Narcissist at Work” assistance package seems a possibility, too. But your situation seems like it needs some customized consideration by HG.)

      Please note: I do not work for HG! In fact, right now, I am not working at all–perhaps this is why I am urging you to stay employed!

      1. Sarah says:

        Hi Lisk,
        It is so nice to have the support of the community here. Thank you for your advice and well wishes. I hope you find employment soon if you are seeking it – there are so many opportunities out there and I am sure you will.
        My decision comes from a position of strength and has been well thought out. The N is surrounded by lieutenants whom she brought into the organisation. I was the only Senior Manager retained in her initial restructure.
        When she arrived she employed a consultant to interview each of us, profile us and complete a feedback survey with all organisational colleagues (junior and senior). In short, she obtained a 48 page report on each of us. I survived because my ratings were apparently in the top 5% of leaders world-wide. I am also the CEO’s golden girl; very soon when the CEO retires, this will make me a target. After completion of the surveys N offered me school hours, working from home, a seat in her office. She was determined to secure my allegiance.
        My relationship with the CEO has afforded N many wins. In fact, the directorship do not attend a meeting asking for $ without my support. I influence them as best as I can, but I cannot fight every battle and I am a team of one – it is a delicate balance. I am nobody’s puppet but I am in danger of becoming one should this continue. The impending restructure will see two of the operational leaders I respect most being pushed out as they have spoken out against the N. I will not offer my hand of support in this unjust destabilising manoeuvre. I have a conscience and I value myself enough and what I bring to the table to realise there are better opportunities for me. The CEO will retire at the end of November, it is time for me to go.
        I am fortunate that my husband’s salary can support us comfortably. I only work two days a week which is very rare in Senior Management roles. I have identified a niche that I am going to work to as a consultant. I am mindful of not sounding like an N, but I am highly employable if this doesn’t work out. I am not afraid of closing this door as I see so many more fulfilling opportunities. I have an emotional attachment to the organisation that has supported me to work flexibly while raising my children which is the hard part, but logic tells me moving on is the best plan and the timing is right. I never saw myself as leaving one job before securing another but it is for the best as the restructure commences next week.
        I apologise for the long post but sometimes context helps paint a more cohesive picture. I seek a higher standard of humanity in what I do each day which aligns with my values and skills. I am not fearful of the change, only her reaction (to a certain extent) but the bigger picture is important here.
        No contact (if possible) as we all know is always a good thing!
        Sarah

    3. NarcAngel says:

      Sarah
      I’m sorry to hear that you find yourself in that position. So unfair to have to leave because of that. Have you consulted with HG to discuss possible alternatives? He knows how to deal with his kind and maybe you can avoid having to take such drastic action? Sometimes a solution can be clouded by all of the stress and emotion one feels but another can bring clarity from outside of the situation. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

      1. Sarah says:

        Hi NA,

        Thank you for plugging in to my situation and offering your counsel.

        I have responded to Lisk and provided more context so to save HG’s time I won’t repeat it here.

        I agree that if I wanted to stay I know HG’s perspective would be imperative. My emotional thinking wants me to feel hard done by and to hang on, but logic gives me ample reason to leave. In light of the impending restructure and my designated role as assigned by the N, it is imperative I act now. My actions will speak without my words needing to under these circumstances. The decision to leave means no contact and as we all have learned, this is the holy grail.

        If the CEO asks me questions with regard to my departure, I will indulge him, but only him. Given his tenure is up shortly, it will not be of great importance to him at this stage in his career. I am not under any false assumptions he has the integrity to turn things around either. I do however know he thinks highly of me and has had a big hand in supporting my career. I have been afforded countless opportunities as a working mum (15.2 hours per week). It has been a great wicket for me.

        As I tell my kids each and every day, the good times don’t last but the bad times don’t either. With so many lieutenants working alongside me, it would never be my choice to stay. I leave knowing it is right for me even if it would not have been my preferred exit strategy. My kids are over the moon which is a big win, they have seen the toll of the politics being played on my well-being. My husband wanted me to leave some time ago. The N will not see this coming and she will no longer be a factor in our lives.

        I hope this better explains my mindset and thinking moving forward. Thanks NA.

        1. Tammy says:

          Good luck Sarah. You are making the right move. You will have better opportunities elsewhere. GOSO goes for jobs too, not just intimate relationships. I recently retired (early) and I don’t miss the N who made my life miserable at work. She can go find someone else to pester while I sleep in and get on with my new life. I was there 26 years and I miss a few people but not her. Actually there were a couple of them. Both woman, a co-worker and a boss. They can both piss off.

          “When the pain of staying exceeds the fear of leaving, it’s time to leap.”

          Keep us posted on your journey. 💕

          1. Sarah says:

            Hi Tammy,
            Thanks so much for your shining example of GOSO bringing you peace. This is my greatest hope and as you put eloquently, definitely worth the ‘leap’. Congratulations on your retirement – it sounds like it was very well deserved. I wonder if you have plans to see the world now you are retired? I imagine there is a sense of knowing having completed your working years and a desire to enjoy the fruits of all your labour. No matter which path you choose, I wish you every happiness and thank you for your support.

        2. lisk says:

          I love the fact that the N won’t see this coming.

          Sounds quite strategic to me!

        3. NarcAngel says:

          Hi Sarah
          I didn’t realize that you had given this so much thought and consideration. I made the suggestion due to concern that it may have been something sudden and that you may be putting yourself at unnecessary risk. I understand your reasoning and applaud your confidence. The very best to you.
          NA

          1. Sarah says:

            That is lovely NA, thank you.

    4. K says:

      Good Luck Sarah! GOSO is the way to go.

      1. Sarah says:

        Thanks so much K, I agree – no point trying to save something that is not in my best interests anyway. Come Tuesday, I am taking myself out of the game with a checkmate – G.O.S.O.

        1. lisk says:

          Sounds like the right move, after reading your clarifications in response to NA. (If you replied to my post, I don’t see it.)

          Please pardon my assumptions.

          I wish you well.

          1. Sarah says:

            Thanks Lisk, I appreciate your kindness and support. All of our experiences are relative here.

        2. K says:

          My pleasure Sarah
          I have a feeling you won’t regret it.

  3. Tammy says:

    Luckily for me, my weekness is gone. 🤠 Woohoo!!😘

  4. lisk says:

    Here’s what’s etched in my mind about the early days: I was very frustrated.

    I thought he found me attractive, but he would not kiss me for at least a month into our dating. He would not have sex with me until after two months.

    His reason: “All my relationships since my divorce have gone too fast, and ended with the woman saying something like, ‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ I was so nice to them. They couldn’t handle a nice guy. It’s crazy. I couldn’t have gone through so many women in so short a time had I been a sleazy, jerk. I guess I just want to be more sure.”

    You know, I write that out and it still doesn’t make sense to me.

    Maybe he was just taking his time extracting from me, until the right moment to strike came along.

    1. WiserNow says:

      lisk,
      What you say about his ‘reason’ sounds like a pity play delivered in a word salad to me. Or in other words, a typical mind-game that says, “feel sorry for me because I’m a nice guy but all these women I met in a short time still left me”.

      It sounds to me he wanted to convince you that he was a nice guy, maybe to get you more hooked on him. He probably went with a lot of women in a short time after his divorce and he thought you would stay longer if you thought he was a nice guy. That’s how I would interpret his words. Then again, who knows?!

      1. lisk says:

        You’re right on the money there, WiserNow.

        Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is clarifying.

        1. WiserNow says:

          You’re welcome lisk. I’m forever trying to make sense out of narcs 😉

  5. Tamara says:

    People who have never experienced this do get angry when we tend to keep returning to those memories and wishing to ruminate over them, or even live through them. It is understandable that they should get frustrated, though, as it is not healthy, I suppose. But, it is difficult not to return, at times, to this Golden place, at least until we have fully healed.

  6. Whitney says:

    The MMR: “you’re not as vulnerable as you seem. I’m scared of you”
    MMR and UMR hate confrontation. They fantasize about letting air out of tyres for revenge. They have no outlet for their rage and are constantly jittering and twitching.

  7. deniseisdone says:

    Lord…this is so sick and so true!

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