The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers

THE TEN TYPES OF VICTIMTHE NARCISSIST HOOVERS

I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –

  1. To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
  2. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
  3. To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.

It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.

  1. The Wish You Well

Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.

  1. The Optimist

This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?

  1. The Guilty

You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.

  1. The Navel Gazer

You are obsessed with understanding  who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.

  1. The Healer

You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.

  1. The Nymph

You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.

  1. The Tourniquet

You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.

  1. The Old Reliable

You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.

  1. The Contender

You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.

  1. The Burning Oil Well

Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.

Do you recognise yourself in there at all?

15 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers

  1. lisk says:

    Pre-HG, I played all of those roles at a one point or another in my long relationship with Narcx.

    Now I play none of them and keep the HEC to an absolute minimum. ( I really think it’s at zero, but know that HG would not agree that Zero HEC can be attained prior to death).

    I would not have been able to be in this position without this blog–and that means without HG and the Tudorites.

    Many thanks to All.

  2. WokeAF says:

    Where is the category where you interact because you’re in complete jaw-dropping awe bc you recognize you’re looking at and you just want to poke at him to hear what he has to say next and if you can predict it ? 😆

    11. The Troller – you think you’re sooooo smart and want to troll the narc to test out HG’s insights, boost your own ego and get a laugh. You are at high risk of ET taking over and getting hoovered. You’re responsible for your own idiocy .

  3. WokeAF says:

    HAHAHAHA!! The Nymph

    Except I don’t hate him.

    And it’s not payback. It’s maintenance 😉

  4. olderandwisernow says:

    The Wish You Well… why does my sense of decency ignore his lack of it? For all the harm he has done it boggles my mind that I can be civil. Maybe it is more of a morbid curiosity.

  5. Tammy says:

    Before I understood the narcissist behavior and the need for GOSO, I have actually been the one to make contact with the narcissist to see how they are doing or wish them happy birthday, or other well wishes. HG, Does that mean the empath is doing the hoover or do you see it as something else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The victim never hoovers, only narcissists hoover.
      If you make contact with the narcissist you are causing a Hoover Trigger. If you send the narcissist a text message, your message is a Hoover Trigger. If the HEC are met you get a reply (that is the Hoover). If the reply is pleasant that is a benign hoover, if unpleasant, it is a malign hoover.

      1. Tammy says:

        Thank you for clarifying. That makes complete sense.

  6. Leigh says:

    This article has been extremely enlightening! It seems I’m the burning oil well. Now I at least know the dynamic and I can correct it and try to control my reactions. Since I was only a secondary source, how long will the hoovers continue? Will he ever get bored?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The hoovers will continue so long as there are Hoover Triggers (which there will always be – it is the number of them that you can affect) and the Hoover Execution Criteria is met (you can reduce the risk considerably through a robust no contact regime). He is far less likely to become bored of you as a Shelf Secondary Source. I recommend you consult with me so I can receive pertinent detail about your circumstances and thus assist you in detail with this question and the establishment of your no contact regime.

      1. Leigh says:

        I can’t go complete no contact because we work together so I try to avoid him at all costs. I’m not on the shelf anymore. He ended the formal relationship almost 4 months ago. He didn’t speak to me for almost 3 months.He stopped coming to my office, calling & texting. Then about 3 weeks ago, the interoffice phone calls and him coming to my office, started again. I cut him off at the pass by responding like a bitch and he hasn’t returned. My belief is that he doesn’t want to start the formal relationship again. He just likes to screw with my head. Is it emotional thinking to say “What do I care if he keeps on hoovering me as long as he doesn’t try to start the formal relationship again?” Don’t some narcissists just hoover for fuel and not necessarily to start again?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Leigh,

          1. You can do no contact. You can move jobs, difficult? Yes, but not impossible.
          2. Yes that is emotional thinking because it breaches the first golden rule of freedom, well done on recognising that potentially that is what it is.
          3. Yes a narcissist will hoover for fuel and without resurrecting the formal relationship. I gain the impression this was an intimate relationship and therefore since you refer to being on the shelf, you were a Shelf IPSS. You retain that position even though now he is taking you off the shelf (to hoover) and interacting with you without intimacy.
          4. I appreciate it is a difficult position owing to the fact you remain in a work situation and do not feel that you can shift jobs (and also feel ´why should you do that?´) I recommend you consult with me Leigh and I can assist you negotiate this situation successfully.

          1. Leigh says:

            I read your blog and your books and l listen to your videos. Each day I learn a little bit more and I try to correct my behaviors as well. I believe with knowledge there is power. Thank you for supplying that knowledge.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You’re welcome

  7. Maria says:

    I was The Healer, The Tourniquet & The Burning Oil Well, with my narc. All in that order (1 & 2 overlapping) before I settled on 3 and then finally NC. It happened over a 2 1/2 year period, so it ran the gamut. I was largely codependent through 1 & 2 before I had enough of being toyed with and became a Super Empath. I am not sure if I’m phrasing all of that right or if I’m confusing things.

    Thank you, HG. From an outside perspective, all 10 of those personalities/responses to hoovers seem desperate. We need to see ourselves from the perspective of a narcissist in order to never want to subject ourselves to those mind games again. These things are painful to read but very helpful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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