- The narcissist text messaged me (16%, 170 Votes)
- The narcissist telephoned me (11%, 115 Votes)
- The narcissist e-mailed me (10%, 106 Votes)
- The narcissist smeared me to others (9%, 91 Votes)
- The narcissist contacted me through a friend, colleague, family member (either mine or theirs) (7%, 72 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a message through social media (6%, 67 Votes)
- The narcissist drove past a location where I was (home/work/mall) (6%, 58 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my home (5%, 57 Votes)
- The narcissist stood watching me from a distance (4%, 46 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and inferred it was directed at me (4%, 44 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my work (4%, 39 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me outdoors (in the street, on the way to my car) (4%, 38 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a gift (3%, 31 Votes)
- The narcissist returned property (3%, 29 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at a social venue (bar, club, gym, pool etc) (3%, 28 Votes)
- The narcissist wrote a physical letter to me (2%, 25 Votes)
- The narcissist damaged my property (2%, 23 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and referenced me directly (1%, 15 Votes)
Look at the type of hoover which topped the poll.
The narcissist text messaged me
No wonder you received a hoover, you did not impose no contact. You either failed to block the narcissist´s telephone number so he was able to text message you and/or you failed to change your number so that even if you blocked the narcissist, he or she could text you from a different number.
Block or better still change your number.
The second highest vote was
The narcissist telephoned me
The same point re the text message hoover applies here. If the number was withheld so it got through, do not answer. Do not answer any call where the number is withheld. There is no need to answer it. A withheld number can only mean it is a narcissist trying to contact you or it is a telemarketing narcissist trying to sell you a conservatory or asking if you have recently suffered an accident which was not your fault. Nothing good will ever come of answering a withheld number.
The third highest vote was
The narcissist e-mailed me
Block the email address or change yours.
37% of hoovers arose from electronic means. I have warned you all before that maintaining any form of electronic conduit between you and the narcissist amounts to The Wrong No Contact.
Closing the electronic conduit is one of the easiest parts of imposing a no contact regime yet you fall prey to your emotional thinking and fail to do it. Examples of that emotional thinking include
“If I keep open the telephone route between us, he will be less likely to come around to my house.”
Not necessarily so. You may actually be encouraging him to come around to your house by providing fuel and lowering the hoover bar so the narcissist becomes bolder. Even if blocking the number forces the narcissist into attending on your property, guess what, we cannot walk through walls or doors. Do not answer the door to the narcissist.
“I have not blocked the number because I want to show I can resist his hoover.”
You do not need to show this at all. Apply GOSO. You are playing with emotional thinking and run the risk of it soaring when that text message hoover arrives (and it will) so that you are drawn into replying and then the vicious circle of engagement and increased emotional thinking begins.
“I want to collect evidence of what he is like.”
What for? If it is to prove to other people such as friends or family, forget it. You are just continuing a form of engagement and being held in the ensnarement for longer through emotional thinking. You know that this person is a narcissist, that is all you need to know. You do not need to prove this to anybody else.
If you need it for a court case ask yourself, do you really? Have you not already got the evidence because in all likelihood you will have? What are you trying to prove? You would be far better served obtaining independent evidence rather than being drawn into a prolonged ensnarement thinking you are evidence gathering.
“I need to be able to tell the narcissist how much she has hurt me and I feel safer doing so through a text message or e-mail.”
No you do not. You know the person is a narcissist. We do not care, you are just giving us fuel, you are just encouraging us to hoover you all the more, we will reject your attempt to pin accountability on us (this manifests as you trying to control us and we can never allow that to happen) and you will just get drawn into a war of electronic words which will fuel us, increase your risk of further hoovers, make you feel any or all of angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/helpless and cause your emotional thinking to rise.
“I want to see how long it is before he leaves her and tries to get me back.”
You want a narcissist who has abused you to come back to you?
“The occasional text message doesn’t hurt and something, anything is better than nothing because I miss him.”
You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?
All of these are examples of emotional thinking. Emotional thinking is the Enemy Within. All it wants you to do is engage with the narcissist and feed your addiction, but as I explained in The Devil´s Pitchfork nothing good will ever come of interaction with us and one, two or three bad things WILL always happen.
The implementation of no contact is not easy but it is nowhere near as hard as you think it is or will be, your emotional thinking wants you shirking from it, it wants you leaving gaps, it wants you leaving the door ajar, the window wide open and the key in the lock.
Your emotional thinking has you giving the narcissist far more credit that he or she deserves. Your emotional thinking causes you to think that the narcissist operates through cunning calculation, ruthless rumination and scientific scheming. In the vast majority of cases this is not the case.
Yes, a Greater Narcissist will hound you into break down, destruction of a state of numb paralysis because the Greater and only the Greater has the malice and resources to do this. However, even this outcome will not always occur with the Greater. Why is that? It is because the Greater has so many options, so many schemes, devices, designs and becomes bored faster than any other narcissist that he or she will leave you be whilst these other options are pursued. Yes, you may well be winged or teetering on the brink of annihilation but more usually the Greater Narcissist will maul you in some way and then become focused on something else and then something else and you have the opportunity to make yourself scarce. Most importantly though with regard to the Greater Narcissist they are extremely rare and that means the vast majority of victims never meet one, let alone find themselves on the wrong side of one. Of course, your emotional thinking makes you think you have been ensnared by a Greater – how many times do we see on the blog people claim that they have been ensnared by a Greater and it is a honest mistake driven by inexperience, a lack of knowledge and the impact of emotional thinking – and it wants you thinking this so that you in effect give up and think there is no escape and thus you remain in the clutches of what is actually a Mid Range Narcissist instead.
The fact is nearly all narcissists are Lesser or Mid Range and it is those narcissists that you will be ensnared by. I do not dilute the horrific impact of ensnarement with those narcissists, not at all, but you must hold to the logic and not be swayed by the corrupting influences of emotional thinking.
The Lesser Narcissist is a wrecking ball. He is haphazard and lurches from one disaster to the next, whether this is falling out with a family member again, another new relationship or losing his job (if he had one to being with). If you make it hard for the Lesser to hoover you he has not option other than to leave you alone and look for someone else. He is like the burglar who will not attempt to rob the house with closed windows, locked doors, sensors and CCTV. He will move on to the next one with the open window. Lesser Narcissists are lazy, they want to achieve the Prime Aims and barely wish to lift a finger to do so.
The Mid Range Narcissist is not lazy but he or she wants the path of least resistance. Every narcissist wants to conserve energy and gain the maximum return for the minimum input. Mid Range Narcissists are cowards and they pick on those targets which are vulnerable and they appear less dangerous owing to the facade, the Pity Plays, The “I Can Change” Fallacy and the Trouble Nice Guy. This panders to your empathic traits which as ever are corrupted by your emotional thinking so that you end up making it easy for the Mid Range Narcissist to hoover you. You worry about him so you allow the emails to come through, you think you can fix her so you keep open a text communication or you decide that you want to be civil and remain friends. You are being conned by your emotional thinking and breaching no contact.
Only the Greater will embark on a campaign against you which is virtually impossible to resist but the chances of that happening to you are extremely low because
- Greaters are extremely rare , and
- Greaters play with you like a cat with a mouse and will then have other matters to address owing to the fullness of their lives and the extensive fuel matrices.
The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists are able to hoover because victims let them. The victims do not put in place effective no contact regimes. I have seen this time and time again and the poll above bears this out. The poll does not bear witness to the puppeteering master villain who has plotted long and hard to scale the mighty defences of the victim to effect a hoover, no, he picked up his phone and sent a text message.
Easy to do.
Just as easy to stop.
I guarantee that if you tell me how you have been hoovered, I will tell you how it could have been stopped and how it could have been stopped without too much effort. We need fuel. We absolutely need fuel and if we cannot get it from you, we HAVE to go and get it elsewhere, but because your emotional thinking making you make mistakes in your attempts at no contact, you are conned into never putting it in place in the first place and/or not maintaining it properly and you end up being hoovered.
You can stop the hoovers.
Two factors want to break your no contact.
Us, the narcissists.
You, through emotional thinking.
And more than you realise it is actually you that brings about the breaking of your no contact, but what that also means is that you can stop it.
I have the tools and you have to wield them and then and only then will you stop the breaking of your no contact and achieve freedom. You can do it.
The Way To GoSo (Get Out and Stay Out)
Divorcing The Narcissist – What To Expect
How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist
How To Handle The Narcissist At Work
59 thoughts on “The Breaking Of Your No Contact”
If your narcissist has strong borderline traits/ fear of abandonment, is it still best to shut all forms of communication down and not respond to anything? And if you get a Hoover, to just give a neutral response?
My person hates not getting responded to (which is why I think he loves to stonewalling others). I therefore don’t want to trigger him upping the ante and trying to track me down some other way. I just had some malice directed at me recently, gave a neutral response, and it’s been quiet. I’m wondering if that should be my same course of action for the next Hoover, rather than shutting down all electronic communication?
The issues of strong borderline traits, fear of abandonment are red herrings. If you are dealing with a narcissist you apply a rigid no contact regime. You should ensure that hoovers cannot get through and if they do, you ignore them.
Your second paragraph contains a common and understandable mistake made by victims and is evidence of incorrect information and the effect of emotional thinking, pushing aside logic. I recommend that you utilise these
and you arrange a consultation with me, PK, so I can assist you in detail.
Quote of The Day: [` This is very much me. In the many times I have attempted to manage/control outcomes with the narc (and failed), it really seemed that he was plotting and scheming when it was ME who was doing all of that. It has taken me way too long to really accept that he was not putting all that effort into me, at all. He is very intelligent, so it seemed natural to think that he was deliberately scheming. But I guess the greater the intelligence, the smoother and quicker the instinct.`] ~~~~joann
HG, if during one of the contacts while not properly implementing “no contact,” if someone tells the narcissist that his decisions give the impression that another narcissist has power over him, how would an UMR or lower Greater handle that? The assumption is that they will file it away later. How would they use it later if that feel that they are losing control of the appliance?
I note what you have done there with regard to trying to foreshadow what my initial response would be!
1. You should be asking yourself why am I not imposing total no contact when I know I am dealing with a narcissist. That is the first point.
2. The comment would be challenge fuel and therefore the recipient would be moved to assert control over the speaker. I cannot state how this would be done because I have no information as to the situation in which it is said, the manner by which it is stated and general context, so there would be too many potential outcomes for me to be definitive. What I can state is that the comment is challenge fuel and therefore the recipient narcissist would exert control over that challenge, how that would be could be varied.
Only “trying to…”? Was I at least close?
Thank you for the points, HG! I understand your comment in #2 about the variation based on different factors. Would the fact that the narcissist is a UMR or lower Greater make it more likely that the calculated response will be more benign in nature to assert control of the appliance who is showing to be not as under control?
Slightly, I still made point one though did I not?
UMR will not be calculated. Greater would be. The response being benign or malign would depend on whether the appliance is painted black or white.
You did make point #1, yes.
I personally understand there are times where full “no contact” cannot be implemented. Your point, though, is an important one to understand personal agendas when interacting with a narcissist when knowing one is a narcissist. I am trying to decide if I should smile at the “slightly” or go back to my seat with paper and pen quietly.
This hypothetical conversation did not occur in real life. It is a question of trying to understand what could happen considering the type of narcissist and the need for control. I appreciate that you provided further information to help with that understanding!
I’ve already finished to translate this article and now it’s available in my blog. It’s amusing for the expressions used by you, which make the concept of “breaking no contact” much clear. You’re cool, HG!
HG I’ve written about this narchole before. Dumped him nine years ago. Three years ago he crawled out of his hole emailed me I told him to lose my number and blocked him. This year later he did it again from a new account. This time I told him to him to cease-and-desist or all future correspondence will be forwarded to whatever boss he has. And I blocked him. He takes his job and his reputation seriously and he knows I would definitely forward any future correspondence to whatever boss he had and he doesn’t want to look like a nut.
This is a business email attached to my name so I’m keeping it.
And between the nine years I’ve married and became a widow.
I lurked and saw his new victim is a male hopefully this is it. He obviously knows I can’t stand him he’s crossed too many lines there is no forgiveness. I truly believe he won’t be reaching out anymore.
He will hoover you when there is a Hoover Trigger and if the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.
The effect of your threat will fade over time and thus the hoover bar will lower. If you want more accuracy as to the level of risk (and there is a risk) I suggest you organise an email consultation and I will assist you further.
I will. Need advice about dating as a widow who owns her own place lots of males vetting for a sugar mama. I do laugh at narcs who fail to snare me they think I’m a typical vulnerable oversharing empath, ha, no. Looking forward to working with you.
HG, goong to PayPal the one hour phone audio consultation have a question before purchase that I didn’t see or missed, do you record this? I would need a recording of the fabulousness. Or is there a recording from the Skype audio?
If you ask beforehand that you wish to record the consultation you may do so, it makes sense to do so as I convey a lot of information and it can be useful to be able to return to it.
Dear HG, my Saviour.
The MMR adopts my vocab and viewpoints in conversation with other people. Is that common human behaviour?
It is common behaviour of a narcissist. It is the acquisition of character traits.
Dearest HG: I adopt a lot of your words and phrases: PSE approves. Good to read. Best fit. Variation of a Theme. Methodology. And on and on….. I can not even think of all that I borrow from you. Now, I am feeling guilty…. is it a little annoying to you when I borrow from you? Am I being Narcissistic?
haha PSE 💙 Everyone copies HG.
Do the Narcs copy you? You have a lot of character traits!
I noticed copying in many subtle ways and I thought, he is lost inside, he is finding meaning, that’s good.
Whitney, what the 4 Narc`s Lieutenants/minions (only one of them would I guess had full NPD) at my job did to me Was Bad: First they would criticise me about something that had to do with my personality and character traits, and even argue/debate with me about it so that I would change, and I would not change the matter about myself in discussion, often to their disbelief, and then weeks later they, one of them or the other, would copy me on the same matter, forgetting that they had criticized me about it. I was constantly flabbergasted. Often, I wanted to say, I thought you did not like that, or thought that was overkill, or that I need to change that, etc. but I never did say anything, because I never wanted to be in a tussle with them, because I was so careful, because I wanted to look pleasant and such, in front of the Narcissist that I was infatuated with. I went through this for 3 long years with the 4 of his Lieutenants, especially when he was away from the workplace, or on vacation or whatever. Until I came on Narcsite, and said, No More! I removed myself from that workplace. To copy is a form of flattery or something like that, I heard. But to criticise a person over something and then later to copy the same thing you criticised the person over, right in front of the said person, because you forgot you criticised the said person, is Narcy, I think. Very.
I’ve noticed this lately
Not just you PSE. The way he speaks is a bit contagious
this is my favorite narc behaviour. he/she also adopts your dreams, your favorite tv shows, music bands etc
tell him/her “i want to see Japan” , he/she can go to Japan with his new lover.
tell him/him “i am a fan of Queen” , he/she can buy ticket to Bohemian Rhapsody movie for himself/herself before you buy
his wife liked everything in instagram that i said to him (even rare ones) and he often asked me something about his wife’s interests.
it’s annoying but one more reason to forget him.
HG, would a narc ever go to a silent retreat? And if so, why?
To take a break from being inundated with questions every day would be the most likely explanation.
And that is why, HG Tudor, you are both my most favorite and least favorite N all wrapped into one! I can’t see who liked your response but it goes for them too!
You both deserve lots of angry emojis for that!
Plus I ask good questions – and you know it! And I allow you to pass off some of my traits as your own without saying a single word!
If you own me, it means I’m an empath and therefore a truthseeker. I’m entitled to ask lots of questions.
That’s part of the empathic covenant!
i feel lucky most of times ; don’t have to see him, no mutual friends, no social media accounts, blocked everywhere.
maybe it doesn’t make difference but sometimes it feels more difficult because it is dis-engage. i know it doesn’t matter who started it but sometimes i feel like i said :
“heey, you can’t fire me, i quit !”
The analysis and the explanations you give under each is very helpful for dealing with emotional thinking and getting into logic mode. I use these and they are lifesavers. They also help to counter the immense social pressure applied to do the excuse thing you’ve mentioned many times.
You are most welcome Leslie and you are correct about the social pressure which is commandeered by emotional thinking and used against you.
Dearest HG: Logic Blast!!!!
Good one. Chock full of cold, hard logic cutting away all the excuses.
“Your emotional thinking has you giving the narcissist far more credit that he or she deserves. Your emotional thinking causes you to think that the narcissist operates through cunning calculation, ruthless rumination and scientific scheming. In the vast majority of cases this is not the case.” –> This is very much me. In the many times I have attempted to manage/control outcomes with the narc (and failed), it really seemed that he was plotting and scheming when it was ME who was doing all of that. It has taken me way too long to really accept that he was not putting all that effort into me, at all. He is very intelligent, so it seemed natural to think that he was deliberately scheming. But I guess the greater the intelligence, the smoother and quicker the instinct.
Hmmmm, interesting, Joanne. I have to think about this.
But first, I have a question to HG:
What is he difference between empathic ’emotional thinking’ and narcissistic ‘thought fuel’?
Emotional thinking has to do with: imagination, unrealistic expectations, romantic fantasies, hopefulness, optimism, the need to analyse and understand etc.
What about thought fuel? Where does that come from? What is the source? How can a narcissist – who has no empathy, and hardly any emotions – fantasise about the emotions he creates and controls?
He knows what fear looks like on the face of a victim so it is not difficult to imagine fear being caused by him. He has no empathy for that feeling, only the sensation of power derived control, namely fuel.
Very thorough in addressing the actual problem and eliminating the excuses. Most times when I read: “I am no contact”, my inner voice says: “You mean you have not contacted the narc directly/first, but you’re waiting”.
Dearest HG: Can you tell me any techniques you use when your fury is activated to calm it down. Sometimes something angers me so much that I can barely function for up to 2 days. I can not attack the person that causes the fury, either, because it may be a corporate entity or a person in a business environment, and it would be a pyrrhic victory, at best. What can we do when we are not a Greater to redress our anger when it grabs a foothold and it is the Blinding Anger?
Yes I manipulate and gain fuel. I cannot advocate that you operate in a similar manner.
Anger is a healthy emotion in many instances as explained in Fury, have a read of it and see how it fits with your situation. If it does not, I suggest you consult with me and I will assist you because your anger is likely to be a product of emotional thinking.
Dearest HG: Fury is next on my list, after Outnumbered but not Outgunned, unless another Blind Anger event happens and intervenes. I have gone years without a Blind Anger Event, and forgot about such a thing, and now 2 events the past couple of months. My anger comes from being violated in some manner and my ensuing desire for immediate justice that I am unable to obtain for myself. I remember when I first read your article on Minions of Darkness, and I felt Blind Anger, but that feeling was beneficial at that time and circumstance, because it strengthened me to remove myself from those abusive 4 people. Otherwise, I perceive that you are saying my E.T. then takes the great anger and runs with it–I have to put a stop to this, at times: I am in absolutely the wrong City for Blind Anger t, at every circumstance when I feel violated. Thank you.
PSE, I highly recommend the Narcissist at Work package in your situation. I work with some narcs and one in particular made me livid on a daily basis. We went rounds and never got resolution. He tied me up in knots! After listening to the package, I’ve calmed. I think it could do the same for you. You can’t control THEIR actions or reactions, but HG assists in helping you control YOURS. It will help you take your power back.
MB: I bounced: I left those 4 Minions of Darkness, for them to find new territory for their pitchforks, plus the Narcissist I left as well, because they came as a package deal. Riches such as myself will not be easy to find. Too bad. But, they all will be just fine. They all are energetic and in good health and they have each other. I need to look into this anger issue, though. It is a different issue, not workplace related. Workplace drama is dead. I will start with the book Fury as suggested by HG for starters. I may have an undercurrent of anger after dealing with those 5 people for so long, and keeping my cool, but I really do not know. I alarmed myself twice in the past couple of months when this great anger happened within me. That is why I mentioned it to HG, in case an emergency happened he would know that I was having this problem, if I arranged a consult. I have a feeling I may have lightly mentioned it once to him already, but I don’t recall. I think I did mention it, come to think of it, and another reader said, it would be good if we could have HG on speed dial, as a response to me. Thank you, MB and HG.
PSE, I’ve had that blind anger too. Eyesight literally gets blurry. It used to happen to me nearly daily when I was a child and I would lash out and hurt my sisters. I don’t really know how I did it, but it was age 6-8 that I decided I couldn’t allow my temper to get out of control and hurt people before I knew it. (I remember the moment and the incident that I made the decision although not my exact age.) I really think it was one of the forks in the road I took that helped form my personality. I have had it happen a couple of hands full of times as an adult, but it never makes me lash out physically as I did before. But I do say horrible things VERY loudly and use language that I don’t normally use. I am ashamed of myself when it happens and wish profusely that I could have a re-do. It happened twice with the N at work I was referencing in my earlier post. After the Assistance Package, he doesn’t rile me at all any more. I would say you can apply the knowledge to any non-intimate narc in your life. HG can correct me or a consultation might be of greater benefit in your situation.
Fury is about the narcissist and has some interesting background on HG. It is fundamental reading for Tudorites and may give you some insight but it’s purpose is not to help you control YOUR reactions. I just wanted to let you know.
Ah yes, blind anger. I’ve had a few outbursts in my life. Always provoked by narc abuse. Never otherwise. My biggest (by far) blind anger moment was discovering the kids dad was cheating. I picked up and smashed his big flatscreen , then picked it up and smashed it again for good measure. Kicked over a standup ashtray literally spraying the room with ashes, and clocked him one in the jaw.
I then got in my car and drove to the cheatee’s (a friendly acquaintance of mine) and drove deliberately right into her convertible . I was only going about 30 k , but I did in her fibreglass bumper.
The next morning I was talk of the town (and not in a bad way) as both my babydaddy and the cheatee were less than popular local figures.
Oh, and I never went back to him. (After many years of going back after other abuses , this was the final straw) and THIS had happened during a brief reconciliation after 6 years of separation! Fucker. I think that in itself is what pushed me over the edge. That I let myself be hoovered only for him to cheat.
I had zero reputation for anything shady or outrageous so the incident didn’t stick to me- other than being recounted by amused witnesses at drunken get togethers for a while.
I rarely get angry , but I’ve had blind rage a couple of times and every single time was catching out a narc I was IPPS to, cheating.
It’s the betrayal. Not even HIS betrayal – but me betraying myself by ignoring my intuition only to feel stupid .
I highly recommend reading about Non-Violent Communication (NVC).
I took up the study of NVC after a major discard by my Narcx, after he accused me of being “abusive” and “destructive” and completely stopped talking to me (he would not pick up the phone when I called, nothing). I felt terrible, like I really needed to work on myself, like I was an abuser. I bought his accusations hook, line, and sinker for 11 months, and then restarted our relationship with high hopes, believing that my newfound NVC language would make our renewed relationship a great one.
I soon discovered that NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION DOES NOT WORK ON/WITH/FOR NARCS!!! A narc will take the NVC communication suggestions and word-salad them to death. That’s what Narcx did with it anyway.
However, I do find NVC very useful to me my everyday life, with parents, siblings, co-workers, cashiers, etc. and primarily with myself and my own emotions/reactions/responses. Its concept/theory really helps me understand where my and others anger might come from.
I hope HG posts this message of mine. I know he knows that NVC is zero competition to him and his work.
Lisk: It is more of what MB is saying. It is a Blind Anger. Where you want to take a baseball bat into a China Shop and smash everything in sight, because you are not allowed by law to touch the person that offended you. That the only address presented to you is NVC and to file a complaint, or go to the Better Bureau Business or spend endless time at small claims court or something, when you really want to reach out and touch the violator, and obtain justice for yourself, and you can not, by law. And you feel a resulting Blind Anger that takes a while to remove from ones nervous system. NVC is the alternative presented that brings on the Blind Anger. I will keep an eye on it. I will read as suggested about fury and consult, if I find a problem growing. I live in NYC and Blind Anger will not work for me. Plus, New York is a Walk Away State. One can not Stand ones Ground in New York, by law. One has to Walk Away when possible, at all times, even if one is the victim. And then seek address through various forms of NVC and time consuming and economically draining legal redress. I have to stay within these parameters to retain my freedom, which is of utmost importance to me. Not the principle, but my freedom.
My mom’s friend has been engaging off and on with a narcissist for more than a dozen years. In that time he has married and divorced multiple rich women (one even ended up dead?) and upon getting married, he will contact my mom’s friend afterwards. Every time.
She tries to rationalize it by saying, ‘It’s just dinner,’ when he takes her out. And she convinces herself she has the best time with him, blah blah but every time he will up and abandon her after a few weeks or a month and she never learns.
My mom has said she doesn’t want to hear about this guy anymore, and so her friend doesn’t mention him or if she still sees him. I did hear a story when my mom’s friend called the guy when she was lonely and sad and he responded, ‘Well, look what the cat dragged in.’
He says really shitty comments like that but she has convinced herself that she could only be happy with him, even though he only ever marries rich women who end up dead or divorced. This is a guy well into his 60s too.
I asked my mom what her friend thought was so great about this guy. ‘Oh, he just very charming.’ Ugh.
Another charming narcissist. Boorrrring!
Tick, Tick and Tick…..
I changed all phone numbers and deleted my email details the very same day that I walked away. I don’t live anywhere near him either. We have no mutual friends. I’ve not heard hide nor hare of him since and I am so grateful for that and for the strength and determination I had to cut him out of my life for good.
‘Never again, will he be blessed enough to see my face or hear my voice….he is dead to me’
Nothing beats TOTAL No Contact to completely heal from this nightmare experience.
Oh forgot to add…I’m not on any social media either. I only go onto YouTube, under a false name, to watch videos.
So apart from him deciding coming to my home, miles away which will be an effort for him (and he knows he will definitely have the door shut on his face), he may as well consider me person non grata…
Well done. Logic Defences activated.
A telemarketing narcissist … ;D
do you think greaters are rare in general, or do you think there are many psychopaths who are actually no narcissists??
And just one comment:
I had imposed no contact a few weeks ago and hadn’t seen the most current guy in a month. Then yes, I was so stupid to a) to want to return his t-shirt (I know …), and b) got worried about him (I know …), and c) wanted an answer from him to my letter (yes, I know!). So yes, I did give me lot of pain, but also closure, because only now I have proof that he was lying straight to my face, and that he is an asshole, and that I had NOT made a mistake in blocking him, because an empathic part of me kept wondering and feeling bad about it. So now, he’s back to no contact and will remain there, but not without getting to experience that I am deliberately ignoring him.
1/6 people are narcs. 1/20 narcs are greaters?
1/120 people are greater narcs? Pretty close to one percent of human beings are greater narcs.
One out of 100 are Greater Narcissists? That is a LOT! Is age a factor? Are they like 40 and over? I think Drew Barrymore has been a Greater Narc. but because she was young and famous and female, I think she goes undetected…I digress… but 1 out of a hundred is too high, yes???
Haha, “telemarketing narcissist”! Nice function description for a job offer. 😈
Bravo HG! 👏