A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 93

It crossed my mind , not for the first time, that the reason you wanted to vaguely keep me in line through extending the hand of “friendship” following your discard, moving in with your new supply and having a child together, is so that I wouldn’t go after you for the substantial loan I made when you were in a financial bind. Also, you knew I’d keep quiet to her, my replacement supply who you cheated on our two year relationship with. I’m sure you strategised that if I was kept in a state of forgiveness for you and understanding, you’d be safe as houses from exposure. You tried to control me through that. 

The trouble is that you overestimated your hold on me. You never accounted for my strength and your weakness. You thought that you could keep me dangling with the merest whiff of attention. But it didn’t work, because I’ve done a lot of study on your personality disorder, and I’ve had a great deal of time to think about all you’ve put me through.

These past few months distance from you has given me a lot more perspective, and I’m less easily lulled by memories or pulled by thoughts of us. I’m susceptible still, but the breath of victory is also in my lungs. Winning against your control of me, beating the addiction I had to you. So much so that it propelled me to ignore your Hoover attempts over the past few weeks, and to push you on the loan you owe me through my very succinct LinkedIn message.

That’s what sent you over the edge. It wasn’t me calling in the loan. It was your dawning realisation that you’ve lost control of me. That, and you don’t have a clear path back because you live with her, we haven’t seen each other for months, there’s no way you can leave the bed you share with her to try and reel me back in the way you’ve always been able to do in the past. She’ll never stand for it, and I’ve denied you access.

This must be scaring you witless. Your empty promises, your threats, your attempts at manipulation – none of them are having the desired effect any longer. I’m a loose cannon in your life. By you denying the loan of $20K, I threaten real exposure that you can’t think your way out of. That’s why the unbridled rage. You’ve lost control, and I have it. You’re on high alert because you know that if I choose, she’ll have it too, and you’ll have even less than you do at the moment.

You’ll be scrambling with her right now. You know I’m coming for you and you know it’ll be difficult to hide it from her. I’m sure you’re packing her full of promises and reminders, sex, declarations of love, and stowing of happy family memories in an effort to stave off any damage I could cause. You’ll be lining your ducks up to call on it all in the event she does discover the truth. You’re clearing a path to remind her of what she’s risking if the shit hits the fan. She won’t understand what you’re doing or why, but she’ll be revelling in this new golden period in the sun hoping it’s here to stay. It won’t stay though, it’s unsustainable for you. You’ll lose your temper sooner rather than later because my bet is that it’s on a knife’s edge, and she’ll be left dazed and confused. Only when she learns the truth might it make some sense to her.

I think you were being totally honest when you said you hated me. I’m sure that’s true right now. It’s probably always been true. I don’t think I’ll mourn the loss of something I never had – your love. I’m a long way towards accepting that you never did feel that way because you don’t know how. Hatred on the other hand; rage, disgust, envy, emptiness, fear, coldness, misery, feeling numb – I’m sure they’re all too familiar. That’s the extent of any genuine emotion you feel.

The mask really did slip when you discovered that I would not eviscerate myself again for you on command this time. I’ve now seen that unvarnished face full of all the blackness in you. He’s out, and you can’t pack him away from me again, and you’re terrified of what that might mean.

You should be.