Why the Narcissist Makes It All So Difficult
You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.
You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.
You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.
How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.
We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.
14 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Makes It All So Difficult”
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I see what you mean WA: I guess any and all existing need is a vulnerability which can lead to ensnarement.
Speaking from my own experience, wounds from an early trauma create a strong need which leads to an almost chemical fusion with the trauma and need of the narcissist, welding the two together and making the ensnarement a true prison. Narcissists have a fine tuned radar for sniffing out such trauma wounds and targeting victims accordingly. Even though needs which are unrelated to trauma can be targeted and exploited, I believe the strongest ensnarements often do involve early trauma, of which the empath may or may not be aware off. Lack of awareness increasing the risk of getting seriously entangled.
One of the biggest eye openers for me has been to realize how my past makes me such an attractive target for narcissists.
Offers of help and support come from kindness right… Only why does “support” feel so unpleasant, controlling, patronizing? I know, it is me, I am messed up for being so ungrateful, there, you even tell me so. What is that buzzing noise that keeps getting louder and louder? And where the hell does this fog come from? I can’t see a thing… Yes, I know you mean well, yes you are right, it is me, I am messed up.
I see what you mean WA: any and all existing need is a vulnerability which can lead to ensnarement.
Speaking from my own experience, wounds from an early trauma create a strong need which leads to an almost chemical fusion with the trauma and need of the narcissist, welding the two together and making the ensnarement a true prison. Narcissists have a fine tuned radar for sniffing out such trauma wounds and targeting victims accordingly. Even though needs which are unrelated to trauma can be targeted and exploited, I believe the strongest ensnarements often do involve early trauma, of which the empath may or may not be aware off. Lack of awareness increasing the risk of getting seriously entangled.
One of the biggest eye openers for me has been to realize how my past makes me such an attractive target for narcissists.
Offers of help and support, they can only come from kindness right…. only why does “support” feel so unpleasant, controlling, patronizing? I know, its me, I am messed up and ungrateful, there, you even tell me so. What is that buzzing noise that keeps getting louder and louder? And where the hell is this fog coming from? I cannot see a thing … Yes, I know you mean well, I am sorry, yes, it is me, I know I am messed up.
As long as “you have to”…
I grew up with my whole life and still dealing with it to this day. It’s like therapy for me reading this. Thank you 🙏🏼
You are welcome. It is the brutal truth and it is the only thing that shall set you free.
Good evening. I cannot help this but I feel bad for them when coming from this aspect. They are missing out on so much peace and contentment. Can you please tell me if there is such a thing as a narcissist collapse? If you’ve done a video on this already I apologize as I’ve not found it yet. Thank you!
Read Fuel and Fury.
Great peice hg puts shit in perspective so crystal clear and besides it’s just like this a complete mirror of what I just read so good I read it twice. Believe it or not shit is still hard to understand…oh well I guess that’s why you get out and stay out and you never…mirror… the …..narcissist
I don’t have any feelings of fear or control. I have feelings of attraction for a handsome face but I don’t feel obligated to act on them cause of the insidious manner in which they are displayed. And outside weirdos don’t bother me either. Either I am born with the ability to block people out or I have trained myself not to validate people’s existence. Unless, I have an intimate real relationship with a person. But I broke up with a guy a month ago after I decided it wasn’t going anywhere and I have blocked him out too. If he hoovers, more power to him.
Meh.
I used to refer to my relationship with my kids dad (even separated and just co parents) as being in a WAR.
Until I found your site.
It’s actually a relief to understand why that is. -it doesn’t feel like a war anymore. It feels like he wants to be in a war, but I don’t have to be .
Hi HG and everyone,
This is my first post here.
I discovered this blog recently when I did a search on NPD. It was the second time round I have been looking up information about NPD. The first time was about five years ago when I did a search on the problematic behavior of the narc I was involved with at the time. The recent search was prompted by the situation that I am dealing with a narc co-worker at the moment. Revisiting the subject of NPD and reading HG’s material here caused me to reflect with deeper understanding on my relationship with M., the narc who opened my eyes to NPD about five years ago The reflection together with the benefit of hindsight due to the time that has elapsed since the past relationship gave me insights in the empath-narc dynamic which I like to share here in the hope that it may be of benefit to others.
During an eruption of fury at the sudden onset of devaluation, I remember this extraordinary experience I had as I looked at M. in his rage; I had the distinct sense of looking into a mirror. The (verbally) abusive behavior I witnessed was alien to me but I recognized the agony that was behind it. I knew that excruciating agony well from my own experience, from my own past. I have come to believe that the strong connection between the narcissist and the empath is due to the fact that the narcissist and the empath are so very similar to the point of being almost identical, not in outward behavior, but in what drives them. The major driving force shared by both the narcissist and the empath is the attempt to rewrite history.
The “difficulty” the narcissists creates is due to the Narcissistic Play which is all about rewriting history: with every relationship the narcissist is re-enacting the abuse from the past. Only now s/he is reversing the roles by casting him/herself in the role of the abuser, the one in control, and casting the victim in the role of the abusive parent/caregiver. The meticulous way the narcissist employs to select and seduce the empath for the role of the abusive parent is akin to the way a movie director goes to great lengths when selecting the right actor / actress for the lead role of his film; everything has to be just right for the play.
The empath as the co-actor in the Narcissistic Play has to have the right disposition which will allow the narcissist to inflict the abuse that was inflicted upon the child. This re-enactment with the reversal of roles is an attempt by the narcissist to rewrite history and to erase the agony that resulted from the abuse. The narcissist is unable to face and deal with the emotions connected to what was done to the defenseless child, hence the attempt to erase it and deny it ever happened. The believe that the past can be erased is at the heart of narcissistic magical thinking and is a coping strategy of denial once adopted by the defenseless child and still being continued in the present by the adult.
The empath shares the same believe that the past can be rewritten: s/he believes the past abuse was their fault / responsibility and if only they could have acted differently they would have been able to prevent the hurtful events from happening. This too is magical thinking, making the empath the perfect co-actor in the Narcissistic Play; the empath is trying to help, that is to change the narcissist as the abuser in an attempt to heal wounds, to make right the wrongs of the past. Magical thinking, the believe that history can be rewritten is why both the narcissist and the empath endlessly repeat the same abusive cycle over and over, always with the same result but continue to believe in a different outcome. That is until one of them wakes up and breaks the cycle. Impossible is nothing but the one who wakes up is unlikely to be the narcissist.
The past as a given can only be faced and dealt with, it cannot be changed, it cannot be erased or undone. This means that the Narcissistic Play has invariably only one outcome; failure. That is the fundamental reason why the relationships of the narcissist are doomed to fail. It has nothing to do with the empath failing to provide what the narcissist needs even though that is how it may appear from the narcissistic perspective. The failure to fulfill the needs of the narcissist / child belongs to the abusive parent/caregiver and lies in the past, that failure can never be undone, no matter how much abuse / control the narcissist exerts in the present to undo. To the narcissist the world is a hostile place and others are appliances because they all wear the face of the abusive parent/caregiver. Change can only come if and when the narcissist is willing and able to stop denying the events of the past and face the difficult emotions of being vulnerable which are connected to the abuse, deal with it and move on. Only then an alternative script can be allowed to develop.
The empath as the co-actor in the Narcissistic Play never ever fails the narcissist but always dutifully shoulders the complicated role s/he was cast in as the abuser-turned-victim, delivering an outstanding, Oscar worthy performance each and every time, yet always feeling guilty and a failure for not doing enough to right wrongs. This enables the narcissist to shine in the reversed role of the abuser, the one in control and to obliterate – even if it is only for one fleeting moment – the memory of what happened to the defenseless child. This fleeting moment of oblivion is what the narcissist craves more than life itself. Alas, the agony from the past can only be momentarily numbed by the narcissistic drug, it cannot be obliterated. So the Narcissistic Play continues endlessly to obtain that drug and numb the agony again and again.
However absurd, perplexing, incomprehensible, abusive the behavior of the narcissist is, it makes sense when it is traced back to its origin: the desperate attempt to deny the painful emotions, to re-write history and to erase the past, because the narcissist believes facing the painful feelings connected with the abuse will destroy him/her. That is why, for the narcissist, the Narcissistic Play is a matter of life and death.
HG, I understand if my analysis may perhaps be uncomfortable to read for you, I hope you will nevertheless allow this post to appear on your blog since it can be of help to fellow empaths. You are quite articulate about your condition, that is a rare gift and truly helpful. As said, reading your work has deepened my understanding of the empath – narcissist connection by providing answers to some of the questions I could not ask M. Thank you for your willingness to share.
I wish for you what I wish for M. whom I still love; I hope you will one day find the courage to allow and face the difficult emotions of the past, go through them, come out of the other end and be free and self-sustaining.
Even though you may presently prefer the trill of the Narcissistic Play and the high of the narcissistic drug, I hope one day your desire to be free from these enslavements will become strong enough to enable you to face what you could not as a child and know that, even though painful, these emotions do not have the power to destroy you.
Emma
Childhood trauma being replayed by the empath may be one driving force.
There are others 😊
Would you care to elaborate WA?
Replacing a family member in order to subconsciously resolve things is one reason an empath is into narcs.
Another is they flatter our own narc traits – they boost our pride, (at first) and ego.. maybe they fulfill sexual needs, they flatter us. We overlook our own values to selfishly fulfill other needs. Maybe boost our low self esteem from previous narc experiences . There’s a myriad of factors