A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 94

H,

I have been mulling over whether or not to take any more further time from my life to do this. I slept on it, and decided to move forward with this letter.

It’s been 4 months since I completely vanished from your life and left no trace or tracks or paper trails to where I went, where I’ve been, and where I ended up. I know you began smearing me long before the devalue and discard phase commenced. This was done, so in turn, when the devaluation and discard phase began; it would be easier to have those in your sphere of influence on your side and completely indifferent to questioning your wrong doings.

My escape plan went as followed:

I knew I was going to do it in such a way that would frighten you, cause you paranoia, as well as stress. I suppose I took Karma into my own hands because of the mental, medieval style, emotional trauma I suffered at the cause of your manipulation and financial abuse. I left absolutely zero avenue for you to use to contact me. I hope the mailer daemon sent the message loud and clear, you will never find me. Anyone who ever so slightly, tried to contradict my story to yours, was cut off completely. Gone. Dunzo. Finito. I no longer have any ties, affiliations or communication, or obligation to anyone who knows you, knew you, or even likes you.

I knew by disappearing without saying goodbye, or without threatening that “ I was going to leave and never see or speak to you again.” You would fall into a state of panic; I am privy to the dark secrets about your life you so desperately try to hide from your other sources of supply. They don’t know about your children, or where they are,  or why they are, where they are. They don’t know about the woman before me, who I will refer to as “Her”. Her untimely death may not have been at your hands H, but ultimately, you knew she wasn’t well. You knew you should have never gotten involved with Her. She died right before your eyes. I know it terrified you that I could have contacted her family at any moment, and give them your whereabouts. I know it terrified you when I vanished, because your employer has no idea who is actually working for them. Luckily for you, you work a lowly retail job. I am cognizant of every single person you’re hiding from, for a multitude of reasons. People you “borrowed” money from and disappeared, friends of yours whose sisters you slept with behind their backs, and a chorus line of abandoned, angry, scorned lovers. This includes the mother’s to your children.

O! How I reveled in all the power I had to destroy your entire existence! (Sorry, I’m feeling rather Shakespearean)  It was MINE. I had your very livelihood in MY HANDS. The thought of coming back at you like a category 5 hurricane coupled with an E5 tornado, to STRIP YOU BARE was exhilarating. I smiled thinking of you losing your job, I cackled thinking of the electricity in your home being shut off, I chortled at the thought of an eviction notice being served to your front door. I was in bits thinking of you, YOU, Mr. loafers with no socks (This is why you have corns) applying for welfare benefits.

It was then I realized I was coming face to face with my own monster.

She is extremely spiteful, vindictive, and is a force of nature to be reckoned with.

I don’t like her. I don’t like her at all.

It dawned on me, I can do this. I can do it all. But it would make me no better than you, when I’ve always been better than you; since the beginning. It’s why you chose me.

I was better than you from the beginning, I was better than you during our fakelationship, I was better than you when you discarded me, and I am still better than you. I always will be.

Disappearing, ghosting the way I did, was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I wish you the best H. Everyone deserves happiness, although I do not think it will ever happen for you. Your happiness is in the form of a destination addiction. You think you’ll be happier with the next holiday, or the next paycheck, or the next woman, or the next job.

Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

Good luck in life H, you need it more than I do,

Alice