Poll : What Has Narcissism Cost You?


KTN Poll - H.G Wants To Know Post Graphic


Everything has a price and narcissism is no different. What has narcissism cost you? Did you find yourself paying for anything or even defrauded as the savings accounts were emptied and you found loans in your name that you did not even take out? Perhaps it has cost you friendships as you fell out with those around you or you had to cut off an innocent parent when going no contact with a narcissistic parent? Maybe you were left suffering from anxiety and hyper vigilant, your sense of security snatched away and you no longer felt safe? Did you lose your home? Has it cost you a relationship with a child? Perhaps you feel it has taken your sense of who you are?

Whether this cost appears permanent or it was a temporary state of affairs and you have brought about recovery or restitution, do share your thoughts. Choose as many of the options as are applicable before casting your vote and as ever, please do expand on your situation in the comments.

Thank you for participating.


What has narcissism cost you?

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103 thoughts on “Poll : What Has Narcissism Cost You?

  1. Whitney says:

    Dear HG, someone’s life is all I selected.
    Other than that, I’ve only gained. Better understanding of myself and others, because of you.

  2. Anm says:

    Every single one of those options and some!!!!

  3. Omj says:

    I think ability to focus and spend my energy in the right places in my life … work – friends – family – nothing really gets down when you are entangled.
    So indirectly money – ability to focus in my career ( before him I had a great career)
    Cost me so much energy , seepless nights …
    Self esteem – thinking I am so unworthy compare to all those woman that dethroned me ..
    Thinking I was only good for my brain and for sex.
    Ability to believe that I am worth caring for – that my needs are important too.
    The other day I had a friend here and he was very caring not patronizing but caring about my needs – I was in choc … Gees it is possible that someone cares for me without wanting something out of me?
    I think also stole some decency too- now cheating – lying – is ok.
    It costed me 3 years so far… with this one am drawn 4 years with another before and 3 years with another one before.
    Reading myself now makes me a bit depressed.
    Because I am nowhere near from GOSO.
    I have left so many times – it’s a joke.
    Maybe he stole my ability to go too?
    But all the time where I did not do my work to my true ability and talent because he was in my head or we had a fight or he did something crazy…
    He stole my ability to be pissed – I got used to be stolen. That is sad.

  4. lisk says:

    The only one I did NOT click on was “Someone’s life.”

  5. WokeAF says:

    Just money.
    I’ve reclaimed everything else.
    In fact, everything else is In fact, all the rest is in BETTER shape. Weirdly.

    It wouldn’t be though, if I hadn’t found this site.

  6. candacemarie1212 says:

    It cost me thousands of dollars I had in savings. My salary was enough to support my daughter and I. After the ex narc moved in my spending went up. I had to support him as well and he had quite an appetite . Yes he was a bit over weight but what really amazed me was how many sodas he could drink in one night. He always wanted to buy things we didn’t need just because it was on sale.
    I also lost my trust in people. Before I always thought there was good in everyone.
    Im not interested in dating anymore and I can’t see that changing anytime soon.
    I also voted for my looks. I gained a few pounds because my ex had a terrible diet.All he wanted was high fat foods. If I told him these things aren’t good for you, he denied it.
    After we broke up I had to find myself again I couldn’t believe how far I had drifted from who I used to be. It might sound ridiculous but I was watching an old TV show I used to love when I was younger. The whole time I was watching I had a sense of sadness. It was because back then I was a different person , the person who I was before I met the narc. Even though this show used to bring me happiness, now it is a reminder of what was and what is now.

  7. SMH says:

    I did lose my trust, my sanity, my sense of self, etc but only temporarily and I did not lose any money, family, job or friends. Thank goodness I was only an IPSS.

    I gained things too, however, including from MRN, for instance, a wider perspective on the world in all ways (personalities, geographies, lifestyles) – I did not realize how insular my world was. And an openness that I did not know I was capable of, and that was okay. I also gained a ton of knowledge from HG and from all of you here. I did not know what boundaries were. I did not know how to say no. I did not know how to not feel guilty (still working on that one – in fact I have to make a call tonight and say no without feeling guilty – I will probably say yes instead). I did not know how to stop trying to fix things. I did not know there were other people like me – same experience, same troubles.

    I feel very fortified and safe in myself now. I have been waiting for this moment for what seems like a very long time – but like the letter writer who wrote about finding herself again, that has happened to me too – but it’s a better me than the me MRN found more than three years ago now. And it will happen to all of you who doubt that it will. Trust me that if it can happen to me after escaping him not once but five times, after endless therapy sessions, countless anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts, after the things I said and did, it can happen to you too, and it is within your control to make it happen.

  8. Miss A says:

    It cost me EVERYTHING! Self esteem, $$$, people I loved, friends, job, home, pets, reputation… so theres that! However, I will rebuild it ALL….I have half rebuilt already.

  9. the vinyl analysis says:

    It cost and still, lastingly, costs (I’m getting it back, though!) my self-esteem, sense of “who am I even, now?”. Feeling like garbage next to women who he’d triangulate with me, even if it was a one-time flirting incident just to trip me up; women I would never in a thousand years feel less than, inside or out. But he managed to make me feel that way.

    Cost me my time, oh my precious time. I’m 27 and wasted 4 years. 4 years in your should-be-blissful 20s is a waste indeed. Cost me sleep, health, time I could’ve been laughing, smiling, rowing a boat…anything.

    And the worst, cost my PEACE.
    But, I am a week into No Contact and let me say, I am feeling like a new person. It’s like poison being sucked out….

    1. Ugotit says:

      In the long run I’m very very lucky my narc only caused temporary insanity in me but I didn’t lose money , kids , a job or a home and I feel now being a year and two months no contact that I’m just about fully and completely healed mentally

      1. the vinyl analysis says:

        Right?! It’s hard but worth it. You become happy with your new life soon after

    2. WokeAF says:

      My narcoholic – I felt poisoned while I was with him. I actually told this to people -that after spending time with him I would feel poisoned .

      Felt the same way with two MMR cerebrals I had brief flings with in the past , and said the same thing to my friends then too.

      Never felt poisoned by my kids dad (ML I think) or my MMR elite. But neither of those two seem to have the sadistic or malign streak

      1. the vinyl analysis says:

        I hope you’re free now!!

        1. WokeAF says:

          Yes I’m free. I didn’t live with him I don’t have any financial attachments we don’t have kids I just walked .
          Oh and I didn’t warn him first ha ha

    3. WokeAF says:

      . “Feeling like garbage next to women who he’d triangulate with me, even if it was a one-time flirting incident just to trip me up; women I would never in a thousand years feel less than, inside or out. But he managed to make me feel that way.”


    4. Joanne says:

      Good job on the no contact. Keep it up! 💪🏼 You are so young and there is so much ahead of you. You sound like you’re on the right path and know exactly what to look out for now!

      1. the vinyl analysis says:

        Thank you Joanne!! Makes me smile ❤️ why is narcissistic abuse so uniting for the victims? Crazy amount of support on here

        1. Joanne says:

          So much support. When I first began posting here it was more of a confession in a comment. I was so ashamed of having an affair. I returned to this comment later that evening expecting to be admonished by other readers – something I felt I truly deserved. I was shocked to find comments of empathy and understanding, including confessions of others who were in the very same situation! This blog and the support I have received here have been instrumental in my healing <3

  10. zwartbolleke says:

    From being a little kid I was always told: you are worthless, you have no skills, you are not good enough, so changing that in your head is not an easy thing. Certainly cost my self-esteem.
    My father never told me he had brothers (still alive) a sister of my grandmother (still alive), it took me 46 years to discover I have a hidden and large family who are totally strangers to me. So yes, cost me my family. (My father doesn’t know I discovered this! 1 point for me!!)
    It took me 44 years to find out ‘something was not quite right’ with my father. When I finally realized it, my whole world broke into pieces. Cost me my sanity, my trust in people.
    At 45 I fell pray to a psychopath narcissist romantic partner. Cost me my sense of safety.
    It took me 46 years to finally realize that also my mother is not what you expect of a mother, not to use the N-word. This time, no more tears for me…

    1. Vandenboss says:

      Did you always believe the things he told you,never thought ” you’re the one that’s good for nothing?” And when you found out diden’t you have a ” YES” moment ?
      Did you seek counseling ? I’m having counseling now and i must say i am getting send from one narc to another lol
      They diden’t diagnose me with a personality disorder tho. They would have done so if they thought they could get away with it haha.. I believe one of them almost got a heart attack when i was venting my thoughts.
      Anyway Youtube helped a lot and i’m gonna send HG some $ and let him empower me even more.
      Get back everything they took from you including your trust in people. And remember, the world diden’t change you’re just no longer ignorant and that is a good thing !

      1. zwartbolleke says:

        Thank you for your kind words.

        Yes of course I believed I was worthless. For 45 years being told by your father you are worthless and have no skills, what other option was there for the little me, if your father tells you you are worthless, than it must me true. It is only now I realize my parents sabotaged everything so that I would not succeed and they could say: you see: good for nothing.
        They pretend to have participated in my succes (I finished my law studies, payed every € myself, have a job, my own house, my own dance academy and my cats!) yet all they did was sabotage from the day I was born.

        It is only ‘by accident’ that I discovered none of this was my fault and that I started doubting the sanity of my parents. It is by reading books about psychopathy that I got this: “Wow oh my god this is exactly my father” uncomfortable feeling, and than booom… my whole world shattered into pieces….

        That was only 2 years ago so everyday on this website is like: Wow oh my god!

        I had a very very good therapist, she is very well known with psychopathy and I was helped with EMDR therapy.

        But spending your €’s on Mr Tudor sounds like a very good plan, I will follow your example so he has plenty to spill on his next holiday!!

        1. vandenboss says:


          Great to hear that you made it this far after all ! Yes, i’m all too familiar with them trying to take credit for the things we’ve achieved against the odds lol unbelievable !!
          I’m starting in a cognitive behavioral therapy right now.At first glance it looks a little boring to say the least.still gonna try to finish it,dont want to be a difficult patient. I deff will be trying this EMDR therapie in a later stage,heard a lot of good things about it…sounds more appealing to me.
          Yes dont want HG to burn out ! Although i believe he is capable accumulating enough fuel that it could potentially affect the WW oil prices 😉

          1. zwartbolleke says:

            Ha ha Vandenboss! Yes we need to prevent that from happening, ha ha!

  11. mgeraudm says:

    Well, after all has been said and done, after a 10 year long war against multiple targets… here’s the casualties list:
    -our family business worth about $10M and with it, my job
    -since I lost my job, the ex-narc-wife kicked me out
    -So I lost my home, with 99% of my earthly possessions, including every penny I had saved for 40 years
    -my sons’ haven’t spoken to me for almost a year, as they are also hooked to their narc mother
    -my mother who we lost to cancer – 99% chance it was caused by father’s narcissistic toxicity
    -and with all that, my whole family: cousins, aunts, uncles won’t even answer the phone… I only speak regularly to my sister, who lives a thousand miles away….
    Long story short: I lost everything to what ended up being quite a large coven of narcs. Good riddens.
    Now we (my sister and I) live in empathic, loving rebuilding peace.

    1. Our Avatars look so similar. I d

    2. *I did a double take!

    3. zwartbolleke says:

      Wow, heavy story. I’m sorry for you…

    4. empath007 says:

      I’m so sorry for all of your loss. That’s a lot of stress to be built up over the years.

    5. WokeAF says:

      I’m sorry for all that. Happy u and sis are ok

  12. Desirée says:

    From all the Polls you have conducted, this is the most painful one by far. I don’t know whether to choose all those options or none of them. It’s almost impossible to assess the damage because it goes so far back I’m not sure how to trace causalities

    1. Desiree. I have been re evaluating my entire life and it is odd to realize that nothing was as it seemed. For now, I am willing to say it is better that I did not know in the past. However, It is a tough call to make, though. Going forward, I can definitely say it is better that I know about all this.

      1. Desirée says:

        PSE, I agree. After reading HGs work, it’s like the life you remember flashes in front of your eyes but this time, everything is shown exactly as it truly was. There’s no point in dwelling on how things could have been, reflecting on this Poll just took me back in time for a second. I am very lucky to have found HGs work. It will prove even more useful moving forward.

        1. Desiree: Indeed.

        2. WokeAF says:

          It never ends does it!? Suddenly a memory will flash through your mind and you’ll be like “ohhhhhhh. THAT’S why..”
          I have 24 years history with my kids dad and weird different random memories keep popping into my mind out of nowhere – and I finally understand what happened .
          It’s actually a huge relief

          1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Woke: Flashbacks Are Us. Yes. Then we move on. If I have learned one thing from Narcissists it is, that although reflection and learning from our past is truly great, to not also move on is disasteredly.

    2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear Desiree n Princess,
      Sadly, I can relate…..this question is a “powerful” one as it is a reflection on ones life
      I ticked all the boxes
      That someone’s life ….was mine
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      Ps Mr Tudor, this is your best poll yet

      1. Madam Bubbles: It is so very thought provoking, but we shall reflect but we shall not wallow. We shall continue on.

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest Princess,
          Definitely not wallowing but merely a reflection
          I’m the best I’ve ever been now, thanks to Mr Tudor and all you lovelies
          Ive also discovered upon reflection, I’m a magnet primarily for the “legal” profession …. police officers, magistrates, judges, chuck in musicians n sports people ….there you go …. I must give good fuel ⛽️… 🤣
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  13. empath007 says:

    I have a few

    -friendships- however these were superficial work relationships and I did not shed any tears over any of them. If they side with an abuser they are not people I want to associate with anyways.

    -trust- I am skeptical of everyone.

    Time (and I agree with SP including commenting here)

    The worst one though is my job…. I haven’t quit yet because I was able to transfer offices, but it still leave this big open connection between us so he still indirectly Hoover’s me from time to time. I’m contemplating quitting but I am so stubborn I just feel like I shouldn’t leave.. he should lol. And it will be a cold day in hell before I bed my career for him.

    But if I loose my job that will be my biggest loss from it all. As I love my job.

    Otherwise it’s all stuff I can work through. I just need another man to distract me in the bedroom and I will be ok lol.

    Coming up on a year N/C!

    1. Joanne says:

      1 year!! 👏🏼👏🏼 Great work, especially from within his SOI!! 🙌🏼

      1. empath007 says:

        Thanks Joanne!

  14. Kiki says:

    I treat everyone with suspicion until they prove otherwise I trust very few people and I am very careful with any personal information
    I can honestly say I have 3 / 4 narcs in my circles at work and personally lots of normals but real empaths are very rare
    The work ones are tough

    I can predict when one of these narcs is going to manipulate or try and smear devalue me .
    I have this internal radar that spots it before it even happens .I have never been mistaken yet .
    HGs works give me a special insight and have honed my intuition

    As a natural introvert but with poor boundaries the above things may have pushed me further into my shell I’m not sure if that’s good or bad but I like it


    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      Kiki: I love this sentence and I am experiencing the same, and it is as if I’m living on a different planet now: [ `HGs works give me a special insight and have honed my intuition.`] Kiki, my intuition is better now, because it has more knowledge of human behaviour to work with, but I have to learn how to deal with the heightened intuition: knowing something and knowing how to handle something are 2 different things, in different scenarios. A learning curve comes into play.

      1. Kiki says:

        Hi PSE
        How are you keeping?

        Yes it’s a real strong intuition isn’t it , before I would get the off feeling but didn’t understand why , now I’m more observant and really notice behaviours thanks to HG .It made me wary but it’s a good thing .
        It’s like being aware that you could be walking amongst a poisonous snake that smiles too much but not with their eyes
        You just know their dying for a bite.
        predicting behaviour is something I’m getting very good at
        esp the nasty manipulative stuff
        I seem to sense when it’s about to happen especially if I don’t jump to the work narcs tune The behaviour becomes predictable
        HG has given us a great gift I will be forever grateful I just wish narcs left us alone like they do most normals I know .
        No such luck I draw them from the woodwork it seems


        1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

          Oh Kiki: Work Narcs are the worse. Do not talk to them. Do not stand next to them. Be sure to be aware whom their friends are, and you can not talk to them either, except about the weather, and such topics. Drink a lot of water. (good for you anyway) When they crowd you, excuse yourself to go to the ladies room. Or say, I am sorry I couldn’t sleep last night and have a bit of a headache. Or, excuse me, I have to go make a phone call. Or, I have a little cold, so I do not want to get too close to anyone, just in case. Or you have to go to the mail room. Or go to the moon, etc. Keep polite distance and few words. It is best. Narcs are all over these workplaces. What you said made me laugh: [`It’s like being aware that you could be walking amongst a poisonous snake that smiles too much but not with their eyes
          You just know they’re dying for a bite.`] ~~Kiki

          1. SMH says:

            PSE, You are the best adviser on here about work narcs (HG excepted, of course – wouldn’t want to insult him)!! I haven’t even thought about work narc in weeks. Left him in the dust with money under the door :). Best thing I could have done and you cheered me on – thank you very much for having my back.

  15. Iris says:

    I chose
    -Friends -I had to work on building/rebuilding friendships because of the insidious way I had been isolated
    -Money -I’m self employed and gave up so much of my time to the narc that my work took a backseat and my business stagnated.
    -My trust in people -I’m suspicious of everyone now and second guess most interactions I have with people. I’m dating but finding myself unable to open up with anyone.
    -My sanity -I second guess myself over everything in my life, I have a high level of paranoia and my worldview is negatively skewed.
    -My safety / sense of safety -He is still stalking me (6+ months post NC) so I cannot go about my day without the fear that he will turn up. I suspect this will be an issue for some time yet.

    An additional one that is not in the poll: It cost me time; I wasted so much time thinking about him (I still spend time thinking about him) and spending time with him. I could’ve done so many more enriching things over that time. But post entanglement I have a new appreciation for those things I lost and have worked so much harder on getting my life back on track that I think I’m in a better place (not in all ways) than I was pre narc, so not all is lost! And it’s very much thanks to you HG

    1. Joanne says:

      TIME…yes! I hate to think of the amount of time I wasted thinking and stressing about him.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Mmmm that’s actually true. Either thinking of him, or commenting here, haha.

        1. Joanne says:

          As you said in your other comment, “meeting” HG and all of you is definitely an upside, so I don’t feel that time is wasted at all. I am fascinated by the topic in general, and HGs writing on it. I enjoy interacting with all of you. I do get sick of “hearing” myself commenting on my situation at times, though.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Hahaha Joanne, I feel the same. I’m sure everyone is tired of my comments about dick pics and abs selfies. Such is life!

          2. Joanne says:

            SP – 2MSAO!! 😂😂

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            2MAE, Joanne. I’ve already translated that 😎

          4. Joanne says:

            2 month affair exorcism, SP?

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Hahaha nooo! It’s my Spanish version: “Dos Meses de un Affair Estúpido.”’ I like the last word estúpido estúpido estúpido as I think of his stupid face.

          6. Joanne says:

            😂😂 but it sounds so much nicer that way though! Exciting and exotic 😂😂

            ¡Estupido! 💃🏼

        2. Tammy says:

          I’ve rid my life of so many narcissists and have no desire to meet or date anyone that I might actually welcome a dick pic at this point. LOL. (I’m kidding… mostly.) Haha

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Tammy, I can hook you up! 😝

          2. Lorelei says:

            Sweetest—you have a penis?

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Better than that! I have many penises! (Technically they are the same, but from different angles and backgrounds). Sharing is caring!

  16. blackunicorn123 says:

    It’s cost me different things at different times, but the overriding one is that it has taken my sense of self. I simply am not the same person I was before. I am two people in one body. I would say that I used to be naive in my view of the world, because now I feel about 100 years old. I don’t trust anybody anymore and I never will. I consider that a good thing now.

    1. Joanne says:

      I feel this in a way, although I’m not sure it’s the same. There is the me that has selfishly risked everything to be with the narc, then there’s the me that simply wants my old life back, and wants to forget it all, but can’t. These two co-exist presently – almost like the 2 lives I was living back when we were still carrying on the affair. I have the luxury of being able to stifle that other me, to tuck it down and pretend it does not exist. I know you do not have that luxury as you are often within the presence and threat of the one person who has seen and knows that other “you,” while everyone else around can only see the “you” that the rest of the world knows you to be 🙁

      1. blackunicorn123 says:

        Joanne, I couldn’t have put it better! My two selves co-exist inside me, only my old self is “dialled down” as HG puts it. So much so, I don’t really associate the old me to me anymore. It’s like a ghost inside me. It’s like the feeling you get when you look back on childhood – you are/were the same person, but yet different now. The person who “selfishly risked everything to be with the narc” is now dormant, a memory, but still takes up a lot of space in my head. I don’t think I can go back to her, and although I miss this part of me, I don’t want it back because I don’t trust it. I too am trying to get my old life back, but am also finding it hard. Not because I want him back (I actually feel sick when I see or think of him), but more because I can’t forgive myself at the moment for being so utterly stupid. I’m trying to come to some sort of peace about it so at least I can start trying to get it all back. It didn’t happen in a vacuum, in fact outside influences were a big factor to what happened, but it was still me that did what I did, and my guilt sits in my mind like an enormous toad. If I can sort this bit out, I hope to forge on ahead as the new kick-ass, ninja me, but with the added bonus of being at peace with myself.

        1. Joanne says:

          Not because I want him back (I actually feel sick when I see or think of him), but more because I can’t forgive myself at the moment for being so utterly stupid. –> I feel this too. I really wish for that forgetting potion to just make it all go away. I can’t imagine having to see him, I am sure that makes things 100x harder 🙁 You’ll get yourself back, each day a little stronger and a little wiser and eventually peace <3

          1. blackunicorn123 says:

            Thanks Joanne, lets hope one day it will all be over and forgotten about by both of us. It’s good to have a goal!!!! I want to look back in ten years time and it be a distant mistake that no longer has any bearing on my life. We CAN do this!! X

          2. Joanne says:

            Yes we will, BU 😘🙏🏼

          3. SMH says:

            Joanne and BU123, Rooting for both of you! Don’t let the bastards win!

          4. Joanne says:

            Thank you, SMH! Rooting for you too 😘

    2. Dear Black Unicorn: Think about how much so many of us care about you and claim a few of those years back, and please get a consult if needed about that person, if you want to. Also, there is the Angel Fund if finances is a burden. If I could `disappear` that shocking person, believe me, I would. ~~PSE

      1. blackunicorn123 says:

        Thanks PSE, I will consult when I get a chance. My business life is manic at the moment and I just haven’t got time. I can’t even come on here very often at present and I really miss everyone and their sass!!
        I didn’t mean my post to come across as self-pitying, because I don’t feel that at all. It was meant to be more of a statement of fact, because there is a definite schism between the old and new me, and I can really feel it. I’ve also accepted it and I don’t mind the new me in many ways. I have new skills. I’m more honed and kick-ass for a start (haha) and I feel much much wiser. I’ve just lost that “dreamer” element I suppose, that spontaneity, the magical thinking. Sometimes I miss it and I feel 100 years old, and sometimes I really enjoy using my new skills! My business is definitely better for it at any rate! Xx

    3. empath007 says:

      BU is is still buddy buddy with your husband too?

      I can relate to your feeling as well, I feel like he brought out some dark things in me I had perhaps been suppressing. I don’t feel as happy and optimistic about the world, that’s been hard. .

      1. blackunicorn123 says:

        E007, yes he is unfortunately, although I am still working on that as much as I subtly can.
        I’m sorry you’re feeling it too. It’s like a grief for the old version of us. I’m glad there are elements of me that won’t ever surface again (the dark things), because I’ve learned my lesson, but I’m sad too to lose the old “positive” elements. However, I would have to reluctantly concede the new version of me brings benefits because I’m stronger and not so silly. I try to focus on that as a benefit. Maybe it’s the price worth paying??

        1. empath007 says:

          I find it interesting he hasn’t told your husband about it… you must be painted white still.

          I’m definitely painted black 🤣

          1. blackunicorn123 says:

            Me too….. it’s my greatest fear that he will in the future. It’s his only leverage over me so I now think he won’t cash that in until he has to, when I am painted black. I’m reducing my physical contact with him as much as I can, and not really engaging him by text, except to maintain the pretence we are still friends. I’m surprised he hasn’t twigged because he’s normally very astute about any shifts. I’m really concerned about his reaction when he finally realises he’s “lost” me. At the moment I think he thinks he still has me in hand. Either that or he is giving me one last chance to come round. I have to go through the eye of the needle at some point and I’m tired of putting it off and living under the fear of it. I may as well get it over and done with. No matter how long in the past it will be when he finally tells him, it will still be catastrophic for me, so there is no point in waiting it out any more. If I can get rid of him “nicely”, without animosity, it would be a dream come true, but he’s a narc, so what are the chances of that?!

          2. empath007 says:

            Yes that would be a nerve wracking situation to be In. You are painted white and he definitely thinks you will “come around”. Isn’t he married as well? Perhaps he just doesn’t want to mess with his own facade. But likely he’s befriending with your husband to get to you… I think I’ve said this before but you should control the narrative and tell your husband yourself. It would probably be better coming from you then him. Maybe your narc won’t ever tell but then it seems you will have to put up with him as a punshiment for a long time which is ultimately not good for you.

            That’s a crappy situation. You’re handling it a million times better then I would… I would have cracked under the pressure and told my husband right away 🤣 but I’m odd at best lol.

  17. Jenn Adkins says:

    Honestly, I think I gained more than I lost through the interaction with my friend. I lost some of the trusting innocence, but I gained some wisdom that not all who are friendly can be trusted fully. Trying to understand his behavior did cause introspection of my own behavior, and I do think I came away a better person because of it. I realized how being a people pleaser is another way of seeking external validation and I learned out to seek it internally. I learned how to be accept that some people cannot be helped if they don’t want to be and it’s okay to leave them to it. I learned not to take people’s actions at face value. I learned how to love and forgive from afar without subjecting myself to more mind games. I learned how to put myself first, and not doubt my own feelings or allow others to control them. Perhaps this isn’t the normal scenario, because we were merely ‘friends’ (although I’m sure he wanted to see me more like a groupie than a friend), but I feel like I won, because I walked away a wiser and happier person with plenty of love still in my heart.

  18. Cynthia says:

    Although I know who I am, I rarely feel her. I rarely feel much other than dread or determination to feel other than I do. Exhausted I guess, physically and mentally. Some of the ptsd symptoms have faded because I have moved and removed myself from social media he has no idea where I am for now. I have meds on board; the nightmares are lessening; he isn’t sitting with me whispering in my ear seething in the night or cooing me back. But his punishments had long lasting effect. After 5 years I am avoidant of so much. He has cost me my joy. He has cost me the last 8 months jumping out of my skin. It took 3 times to leave for good. 8 months out I feel more ripped off because I am still so affected. But I won’t let him win. The deep sound of that voice will fade…

  19. Joanne says:

    I didn’t take the poll this time around, because although there was a high cost to this engagement, I feel as if I am managing to rebuild those things that were lost. I updated my answers from back in February:

    Friendships – some people will never understand what a relationship with a narcissist is like, so they don’t have the knowledge or capacity to really support. I also made a choice to let go of the resentment I had toward my friend’s failure to understand. This narc is not worth my losing an old, dear friend.

    Self esteem – while this took a massive hit initially, overall this experience has taught me that I can’t place my self worth in the opinions of another. Or any external validation for that matter. It has pushed me to work on finding internal acceptance and confidence from within myself, not from how he or ANY MAN views me. This is a slow work in progress…

    Happiness – I can feel happy again. There is ever presence all around me, simply in the form of my own thoughts, eg, a memory of a text he sent me while I was at a specific shop might haunt me while I’m at the same shop nowadays, but it doesn’t drag me down the way it used to. Damn my memory to hell.

    Libido – this one struggles but I can’t blame it all on him.

  20. susisorglos66 says:

    I can say ( with a huge pleasure!!) ,
    that he didn’t get what he wanted!! 😉😀
    He surly wanted my money, but I saw through this freak very early, so he didn’t get anything !! Well, he let me pay in a restaurant and I made him a gift to Christmas ( where I didn’t get anything 😂). That’s all ! You know,what I don’t understand (or maybe it is our protection..) that they (not you H.G.🙃) acting soooo strange !! YOU MUST SEE THROUGH THEM… The nightmare costs me three years of my precious life time.. We were living in different countries..
    Blessed are all survivors..

  21. deniseisdone says:

    The Mid Ranger took away my self esteem and self worth with his disappearing act – had he even attempted to give me closure so I could understand would have help me tremendously. I’ve never had that done to me and really didn’t know exactly what even happened. If only IT had had some sense of courage or respect for me I could have handled it quicker and with grace!

    The Greater, for a time, took away my sense of safety. Sadly when we meant I was attracted to him – almost like a magnet – his qualities (wit, charm, sense of humor) was most endearing. However, things turned quickly – he started saying “I am so innocent” (yes regarding sex) when he broached the subject. He voiced his desires and I voiced my true opinions (all negative) and when he stated “I needed to be tamed” I instantly feel his evil. He was persistent which only scared me more. Thankfully he went back to the east coast (he’s a plant manager) and my sense of safety did return. I work in the medical field and meant him quite by accident – again I was attracted to him instantly. He’s a lesson well learned!

  22. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Dearest HG: 1) Friendships. I had to removed myself from shared friends within the tentacles. 2) Career path was interrupted. I still have to decide what to do about this. So far, not so good. So I checked Job as the best fit.

  23. Tammy says:

    I chose several from the list but would also add my health. And because of that my sense of safety is affected even more than it normally would be. I check my doors often to make sure they are locked and wonder if or how I would fight off an attacker if someone were to get into my home. Any time I’m out some where I’m also always looking over my shoulder or fear I’m being watched or followed.

  24. Christopher Jackson says:

    Man what a good question I have been ensnared by a couple of you all at 3 that I can think of I’m sure there were more dont want to think about them but none the less one I just had was recent with a basketball coach he has been future faking us by canceling arrangements and conversational crumbs not returning phone calls or text messages not showing up but the whole time he has been smiling in our face when he has said that he was going to give the money back and he hasn’t fucking rat bastard. The other one I had was my barber was a single father I had three cars he said that he wanted to use my car and he would pay me the money back or make payments to the car in two weeks of having it he let someone else drive the car and she wrecked the son of a bitch into the back of another car waiting at the red light already stopped because she wasn’t paying attention she was on the phone. He said he would pay me back and never did once I started reading tudor I was like ok this guy is one of the brethren. It’s been a year now since I have seen him…when you know you go and also you get out and stay out.

  25. Vandenboss says:

    I’d ticked them all,although ever since i woke up,almost two years ago,most don’t apply anymore.

    1.My trust in people,I make a distinguish between people and those with a personality disorder,so trust in people restored.
    2.My self-esteem, Waking up made my self esteem go through the roof ! I was right all along, it was them and not me.
    3.Money,Waking up made me care about everything but money, resulting in me having enough.
    4.Safety was a concern when i was little….big boy now.And father is,old, senile and incontinence.
    5.Sense of self,GREAT !
    6.The desire to date/meet someone new, YES !
    7.Friendships,small inner circle, who are all in the know.
    8.My sanity,compared to my fans,GREAT !
    9.My libido, Great again,did had get used to doing empaths in the beginning.(dont have to tie them up first)
    10.My job, Find the job for me that suits me well and i never have to work again.
    11.Physical injury, long time ago.
    12.My looks,Got me in trouble in the first place.
    13.My family, I hope they do well and soon wake up.
    14.My home, Got it back,although i sometimes miss living on the streets.
    15.Someone´s life. Thinking back…the wrong one went to jail.

  26. Jess says:

    The Lesser cost me physical injury and a job that I had. Tons of money. The greater cost me my trust in people. The MidRange cost me myself esteem.

  27. myriflemyponynme says:

    “Nia”, an arabic word that means much more than innocence. It implies that bad things would slide if you discipline yourself to be good at all cost.

  28. Lorelei says:

    How about an alternate view asking what we have gained?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That’s easy – me.

      1. Lorelei says:

        You are a behavioral genius HG—but I’m not sure a narcissistic psychopath is the prize I was looking for in my life. I’ll take it—but a trip to the Maldives would have been at least equally appealing.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha thank you Lorelei.

        2. Lorelei: What a Great Descripton that you stated:: [`You are a behavioral genius HG`] Lorelei, I hope you do not mind if I borrow this description of HG Tudor. Behavioural Genius! Entirely Correct. I can not wait to use it. I love it! PSE considerably approves.

          1. Lorelei says:

            Yes Princess.. He is. I thought the narcissist thing was potentially a ruse but I’m afraid not. It actually makes sense someone in his position would study people. Borrow all you like! We love the HG! Haha

          2. Lorelei: Thank you so much. I had the thought without your more explicit wording. I always say that HG Tudor Understands all people on the behavioural spectrum from Emphatic to Narcissistic. But, now I can add that he is a Behavioral Genius and absolutely nail what I mean. Many study, but how many do truly understand people, is the question. Thank you, Lorelei!

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Lorelei, I answered this poll the last time it came around by saying precisely that. I’ve lost the person who I thought was my friend, nothing important really considering he is fake. What did I gain? This whole situation has opened a portal of self-discovery beyond anything I imagined. I have met HG and everyone in this blog, a lot of knowledge, and lots of laughs with people who wouldn’t judge me for being “too sensitive.” Furthermore, I love my husband much more now that I know how lucky I am to be married to someone as emotional and empathic as I am. It has also taught me to stop fantasizing about more romantic scenarios and instead focus on the one I already am living.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Of course my entanglement was not too long, I was just an IPSS, and we don’t have kids to share which makes a huge difference…

      2. Lorelei says:

        Excellent Sweetest!

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          If WordPress and I got along together, I would give you a “like.”

          1. Lorelei says:

            Thank you Sweetest. I like! I’m still amazed at the (my) global issue associated with the entanglement/s. How complicated it’s become!

          2. Lorelei says:

            Your “like” works now!

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Yay I fixed it! I’m likable and likabling now!

          4. NarcAngel says:

            How did you fix it?

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            It was quite annoying actually, I got trapped in a vicious cycle of entering my email and my password and going back to my email. So I clicked at the bottom, right below “password.” There’s a option to request “reset password.” Once they do that you need to wait a little and then sign back in, and it worked!

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            NA, I just posted a comment with directions but if you have trouble finding your homepage, look up one of your emails saying “subscribe to comments on thread” and that will lead to that.

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