Calculation and the Narcissist -Part Two
I explained in Part One about how the mind of a Lesser Narcissist functions with regard to his or her interactions with the various appliances in the fuel matrix. The Lesser always operates through instinct, although, as I explained, a victim makes the mistake of believing that the Lesser Narcissist has planned.
I shall now explain what happens with regard to the Mid Range Narcissist.
Before I provide you all with a worked example, it is necessary to provide these preliminary observations again.
I often read comments along the lines of
“I am ensnared by a narcissist and he knows exactly what he is doing, he is calculating it all and is determined to destroy me.”
I have no doubt that such belief is honestly held, but it is usually incorrectly held.
Why is that?
- It is only Greater Narcissists that are aware and operate in a calculated manner. Greater Narcissists are very rare indeed and therefore as a matter of statistics, if you have been ensnared by a narcissist, it is highly likely to be a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.
- Mid Range Narcissists can appear to operate in a calculated manner owing to higher cognitive function. This is called “Instinctive Planning” which I will explain further in relation to this subject.
- The effect of emotional thinking. Yes, as you know emotional thinking obscures the use of logic and it does this repeatedly and in thousands of different ways. One of those ways is to cause you to think that the narcissist has planned and is operating in a calculated fashion because this will cause you to obsess more over what the narcissist is doing, talk more about what the narcissist is doing, try harder to contact the narcissist in order to halt this supposed calculated campaign against you and of course what are you doing if you do one or more of those things? You are engaging and feeding your inherent addiction to the narcissist. Accordingly, your emotional thinking absolutely wants you doing it and will make you ignore logic and honestly believe the narcissist is acting in a calculated fashion.
- The projection of your world view. Obviously you look at the world from your standpoint and because of this you think that anybody who engages in such behaviours as the ones you are experiencing must have planned them, because if you acted this way, you would know what you are doing and you would have planned them. This entirely understandable viewpoint of yours means that you cannot help but regard the behaviour as pre-meditated and calculated. You, as an empath victim do not manipulate through instinct. You have no need to do so, you are not designed that way and in fact if you ever (in the unusual event) try to manipulate somebody you tend to fail at it because you are just not made to do it and you are not practised at behaving that way. We on the other hand are designed to manipulate and for those who are not as evolved as the Greater Narcissist it is done through instinct. You impose your worldview on our behaviour, that is not high-handed of you at all, but it is incorrect.
Thus, these factors result in you erroneously reaching the conclusion that the narcissist is operating through calculation towards you.
How then do narcissists operate and what is their state of knowledge. Firstly, you ought to read these articles (or revisit them)
Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Lesser
Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Mid Ranger
We must have control at all times over environments and that means the people within those environments and of course that includes you. The Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not realise this is what they require, this is known at an unconscious level. The Greater knows that control is needed and also has vastly superior abilities to achieve that.
To assist you with the comparison between the schools of narcissist, I shall use a similar scenario to that described in Part One of Calculation and the Narcissist
The narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist. This means that he does not know what he is, he will never know what he is and cannot change.
The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (dependent on sub school) . The Mid Range Narcissist usually has a higher cognitive function than the Lesser Narcissist (but not always – it is only one factor) and may give the appearance of awareness or insight but that is actually part of the manipulation.
Let’s proceed with the example.
The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (“LMRN”) has experienced a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria have been met, primarily because the victim is the Former IPPS (thus potent fuel), has provided large amounts of fuel when there have been previous hoovers, the LMRN knows where the victim lives and it is a short drive from where he lives. The victim has not entered a new relationship. There is no restraining order against the LMRN. He and the victim are in the process of a divorce. The LMRN has a Shelf IPSS. The LMRN has received correspondence from his lawyer whereby his latest offer to the victim within the context of the divorce proceedings has been rejected. The letter was to the point and this has wounded the narcissist. He needs to exert control over the victim. Accordingly, he drives over to the home of the victim seeking to exert control over her.
At the point of reading the rejection the narcissism (if it could speak) would state as follows:
This letter threatens my control. This is unacceptable. Control must be asserted immediately. (This is the Unconscious Response)
The narcissists fury is ignited by the wounding nature of the letter. He does not think
“I do not have control, I must go and get the ex under control.”
What he does think is :-
“WTF! How dare she reject that offer. Good God, that was a generous offer, she is so damn greedy, she will have me living out of a dumpster at this rate. I am going to go and find out why the hell she knocked this back and see if I can talk some sense into her. She needs to know she is bleeding me dry and I do not have much money left.” (This is the Conscious Response and this is driven by the Narcissistic Perspective. The narcissist through this Narcissistic Perspective sees the victim as the problem. His Sense of Entitlement (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) demands that he preserves his financial position. His Lack of Accountability (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) tells him that he is not responsible for providing her with a particular level of support and these narcissistic traits (and others desires) work together to make the narcissist do something to assert control.
The narcissism is thinking
We need control. Go and see her and use a Verbal Tirade and Pity Plays in order to assert control. We will use his Heated Fury (because as an LMR he has some Lesser Traits) and Cold Fury (as he is Mid Range).
Note he does not think :-
“How can I get her to do what I want? I know, I will use some forceful language with her and if that does not work I will make her feel sorry for me by explaining how I am strapped for cash, yes, she will feel sorry for me, change her mind and then I get my way.”
His response is instinctive driven by his narcissism which wants him to assert control and also to gain fuel to repair the wound caused by the content of the letter from the lawyer.
Driven by this instinctive response, the narcissist gets in his car, drives across to where the victim lives, marches up the pathway and he knocks at the door but the victim does not answer the door. The victim maintains no contact by not opening the door to tell the narcissist to reason with him to leave her alone. The victim does not shout through the letter box telling the narcissist to “Foxtrot Oscar”, the victim does not gesticulate through the window for the narcissist to go away or open the window and pour water down on the waiting narcissist. No matter how tempting those responses might be, the victim must not execute them because that is engagement which means
- Fuel Provision
- Potential adverse consequence , and
- Heightened Emotional Thinking
aka The Devil’s Pitchfork : The Three Bad Outcomes of Engaging With A Narcissist
Previously the Victim would engage through pleading, shouting and even threatening. All of which is Challenge Fuel and only encouraged the narcissist to keep asserting control and indeed lowered the Hoover Bar to prompt further hoovers.
Accordingly, the victim´s failure to respond amounts to wounding. The victim is the Former IPPS and therefore is at the top of the fuel hierarchy. This failure to respond is “in person” and therefore the result of this is massive wounding for the narcissist. This is on top of the wounding which has already occurred because of the rejection of the narcissist´s offer.
The narcissism is stating, if it had a voice
“Situation critical. Existing wounding not repaired. Extensive wounding now caused. Fuel level plummeting. Immediate action required. Facade must be maintained although facade is being strained. Increase use of Heated Fury and launch the Verbal Tirade.”
The narcissist does not think :-
“I am struggling to gain control here, what shall I do to make sure I get it?”
As the narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist he would not smash the windows (his Mid Range facade maintenance would prevent this from happening) and his response instead is to hammer on the door, shout to the victim and prowl around the house looking for a way to get in (but not break in) to confront the victim so he can assert control face to face and gain Proximate Fuel. Note again that these responses are from Heated Fury and they are instinctive
He would look to provoke her by saying such things as “I know you are in there hiding away you gold digger” and he would gain Thought Fuel (which is weak but still fuel) thinking about the victim cowering inside. The victim meanwhile has called the police. The LMR will not yet break off because his narcissism will still be driving him to “get hold” of the victim and the Thought Fuel will prevent any further wounding, but his fuel levels are perilously low (as a consequence of the two wounding events). He keeps shouting and is now causing a scene (thus his facade has slipped BUT since he is Mid Range he has not yet tipped over into criminal activity) so the neighbours are looking out of their windows. Of course their reactions as tertiary sources provide the narcissist with some fuel which enables him to keep the shouting going. The police turn up and the narcissist has a fairly robust discussion with them but again stays just on the right side of the law. The response of the police officers gives him fuel. He avoids a fuel crisis because of
Thought Fuel with regard to the IPPS
Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source Neighbours
Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source police officers
but he came close.
All of this behaviour was instinctive. He did not think “I had better be careful what I say and do because the police are here” he was actually quite forceful about what he had to say with regard to the behaviour of the Former IPPS. He maintained a Verbal Tirade about the Former IPPS but his narcissism prevented him from launching into a Verbal Tirade at the police officers (if they had Challenged him this may have happened and he probably would have been arrested). Note that he is not thinking about the possibility of arrest as that is a future event, all he cares about is gaining control NOW but because he is LMR his narcissism protects him to a degree (a Lower or Middle Lesser probably would have assaulted a police officer) and steered him into applying Pity Plays towards the officers.
The narcissist did not think
“Ah the police are here, I know, I will keep shouting the odds about that bitch inside and then give them a sob story to get the cops onside.”
No. he actually thinks
“This is so damn unfair. She sits in the house and has not got the common courtesy to come out and speak to me about this, when all I am trying to do is be reasonable. Maybe the police will see my point of view.”
The provision of fuel, the Mid Range influence with regard to facade and the range of manipulations deployed by the narcissism for a LMR Narcissist means that by telling the police how unfair this all is and they giving it nodding sympathy enables the narcissist to feel like he has control in the now. His attempt to control the victim has failed, but the situation shifted to a need to control the police officers and the Pity Play worked as the police officer gave fuel, agreed with the LMR that it was a difficult and unpleasant situation and suggested he visit his lawyer to discuss the matter further rather than get into trouble. His narcissism feeling that control over the situation had been achieved allowed the narcissist to depart and head over to this lawyer to discuss the situation further.
All of the actions of the LMR were instinctive. He did not plan. He did not calculate. He operated from moment to moment as he sought to control the situation moment to moment and you saw how the situation was fluid and the target of his control varied and how he gained fuel to alleviate the wounding, although his fuel levels remained relatively low and other appliances would be manipulated through the day to get those fuel levels rising again.
29 thoughts on “Calculation and the Narcissist -Part Two”
How would a LMR narc behave in court proceedings, will they follow through or evade proceedings if evidence is against them?
Considering they are not good at finance management they aren’t very good at keeping a fortune for themselves so engaging in court battles likely to drain money and effort inevitably too. So will they keep going to court ?
Thank you for providing an in depth analysis of LMR hoover.
This is a detailed matter and best addressed through consultation.
So interesting. Even tho both my kids dad and my narcoholic are just utter shit shows in life- they both DO have some awareness of facade. Both would keep it together (unless drunk) enough not to assault an officer.
I originally had them both pegged as LMR.
But it’s hard to look at these two train wrecks and not think “Lesser”.
Esp the kids dad as he has bare minimum fury control
Ahhh one of these days I’ll get the narc detectors on both of em. I wanna know do I can cross reference for future sightings
Can’t wait for part three.
Wow this is so good HG
I know. I am the best. Pleased you found it useful.
And what is next? Now she is painted black. He hates her. He finds new IPPS who listens to his pity story and falls in love with him. They are happy and in love. He doesn’t think about ex wife. But narcissist’s life is not a fairy tale. He starts some casual fights with IPPS. She is tired and escapes. She goes no contact. He is lonely and desperate. And then suddenly he meets ex wife. She is healed and happy. Się breaks no contact and is kind to him. They share a good laugh about the past. Narcissist comes to conclusion he still loves her. And the cycle begins once again.
HG/everyone else, I am only a week into No Contact per your strategies and it just infuriates me because my thick skull can’t understand why a Narc needs so much fuel.
What does a Mid-Ranger WANT? Why weren’t you enough for them, if you were supportive and awesome and loyal? Was out last night and heard that my narc ex had already brought someone new/random along with him somewhere. I was hoping that post-No Contact blockage by phone would upset him/make him feel remorse, but apparently he seems dandy…
Have you read Fuel and also Fury? You may wish to consider consulting with me also.
What does the MR want, same as all narcissists The Prime Aims.
Welcome. Narcissism is a disorder. They don’t think like us, so you trying to reason with your way of thinking will not work. No one is ever enough so it’s not you. Keep reading and it will become clearer with time.
For me “hoping that post-No Contact blockage by phone would upset him/make him feel remorse” is not going no contact, but trying to manipulate the Narc back. Playing with a Narc is playing by his or her rules. You shouldn’t go no contact to get the Narc doing or feeling something. Going out and hearing something about the ex also seems not quite no contact.
You demonstrate how violence could have erupted at several points in this scenario. I appreciate how you left that possibility open. The MRN is notoriously considered a puss, but that is subject to change moment by moment. They are still dangerous.
It is fascinating ‘hear’ the internal voice of the Lesser and Mid-Ranger. These new articles are excellent.
MRNs make too many mistakes. It is evident that they do not calculate or plan.
It would be interesting to hear the voice of a Greater in the future, if possible.
Greaters take care of all details and do not leave anything to chance. They can get away with criminal acts.
Great explanations HG ! People often say they know what they’re doing- But I never really believed that… I think every now and then my mid ranger had a tiny glimpse that something was wrong with her But it was either too frightening to continue pondering or something it doesn’t really matter. But yes instinctually they operate to gain fuel, control And maintain the façade. Everything else is just window dressing. Thank you HG for taking such time to spell these things out for us!
You are welcome.
Dearest HG: Just Amazing. All of it. And the example with the police is so true. This school is very good with authority figures and is usually able to charm and create rapport with them. And sometimes they will pretend that you may be inside, but injured or unconscious and can persuade the police, or your property management personnel to go inside of your dwelling, saying that you have been ill and they have not seen you for days and you may be in a medical crisis, and thus persuade them to breach your dwelling for a `Wellness Check.` I bet the Narcissist would obtain a great dollop of fuel for such a breach of one’s space, while one is hiding inside.
Yes, they like to use the excuse that they are ‘concerned’ or ‘worried’ about their victim. This make them appear as caring, responsible people who want to ‘help’ others.
E.B. For sure. And if one loses one’s cool during the breach, one will truly look like a mental case before the authorities. Double the fun-the breach plus the resulting chaos, especially if one shows aggravation. Plus the scenario will be recorded somewhere against one with either the police or the property management department, if one is renting. The games will always be played.
I can relate to all that you said. Yes, they play their games and we look like the crazy one.
It is not allowed to record or videotape someone without their knowledge in some countries. They will also post those videos on social media.
Rules do not apply to them. Lessers do not care if other people are watching. Greaters find clever ways to do it in order to avoid being held accountable for their actions.
I have seen narcissists and their Lieutenants holding their smartphones in their hands every time they came to provoke me. I did not react. One of them was a verbally aggressive police officer, who used to hit children. Her violent husband used to smoke illegal drugs. They used to fight with each other a lot until they turned on me. They used to breed dogs in their property and sell the puppies. Luckily they moved a couple of years ago. I ignored each and every hoover, both malignant and benign.
Yes, living in a rented flat can be hell if there are narcissists, especially if they stay at home all day and their only hobby is to target neighbours. It happened to me many years ago. Two female narcs raised a complaint to the property management company. They told them something about me, it was a lie. I had declined something they wanted previously. The whole thing was so ridiculous that I thought those women must be mad. Later I learnt they like to fight over petty things.
They targeted my husband with malignant hoovers too and he called another neighbour who had just moved. A friendly, peaceful elderly man who lived alone. He had lost a lot of weight and became very ill. I thought it was due to his age. This man told my husband that one of the narc women had poisoned his cat and he had taken her to court. We realized what we were dealing with and decided to move (only to find more narcissists including a malignant one).
E.B. Always record if possible when being victimized. This statement that people say like you say said is vague: `It is not allowed to record or videotape someone without their knowledge in some countries.` In actuality, it may be the case that the video may or may not be used in a case of law. But, it still can be used in the court of public opinion, as evidence not shown, etc. To friends and family and supporters, etc. And it is legal in some cases, as well to tape without informing, even in those said countries. It depends. What does it depend upon? Who knows? So tape. And who says everything that happens in life ends up in court. Good people always interpret the law in a way that benefits their persecutors, for some reason. Good people are groomed easier to go against their own cause, for some reason. Persecutors want no evidence against them of course, and they are the ones that push the idea that documentation can be illegal. So document them in every way imaginable. Yet, they record and save and videotape within an inch of their lives. Let the law be sorted out later, if it ever reaches that point. And the knowledge that you have evidence tortures the opposing side, whether or not it is legal to have, because it can be accidentally leaked, etc. And when something is heard or seen or rumored about existing, it will not be forgotten. If a jury hears that you have tapped your neighbors yelling at you, for example, and the judge says strike that memory, to the jurors, the jurors will still remember it. And so will the judge. One time I had a problem with property mgmt over an issue, and they were hostile about it with me and did not want to fix the issue in a substantive manner, for 2 major reasons that I will not say on here, and I told them to fix it and that I have film of it and it is all documented, but that I do not like that sort of hassle, if possible. But, I told them I will certify and mail and email them all my documentation and filming of the problem for more evidence if they need it, and if it will help them to resolve the problem, since they do not seem to believe me. Oh boy! Did they become friendly and understand everything at that point. They told me they believed me and would fix the problem and that they did not need my evidence. I told them thanks, because that type of thing of putting together video and written evidence and certifying and emailing tired me out, and I just want them to fix the problem, I told them. They did. And, with a smile. I had never documented anything, in actuality. And when I researched the problem earlier, the main remedy that I could achieve by taking them to court was to be able to break the lease and move. So, I never mentioned court to them, because the remedy was not good for me. And they would never forget that I threatened the with court, so I never threatened that route. I did not want to move, so I threatened with evidence to be sent to them that I did not have, and that documented evidence had nothing to do with the court system. But, they do not want certified evidence of that sort sent even to them of course. In short, document. Good people do not document enough. Video and audio documentation is the best. Then written, including a private diary. Good people for some reason, in general, are not that interested in Law, either.
Thank you so much for your long comment. It was really helpful and I will take it into account next time I find myself in a similar situation. I am glad to hear it worked for you.
Yes, it is true that using a video as evidence in court is not always accepted. I usually learn as much as I can about local regulations to prevent myself from making my situation worse. Videotaping someone without their ‘knowledge’ is not allowed. It is allowed to do it without their ‘consent’, though.
I avoid litigation. It can take over 10 years and the problem is seldom solved. A waste of time and money.
I prefer to settle things out with the other party before filing a lawsuit. I have done this in the past with a company and it went well, much better than expected. The people I had to negotiate with were not narcissists.
Dealing with narcissist is different. In this case, I prefer to use the time and money I have to get away from them.
Although I document as much as I can, I guess it is true it is not enough. It is not always easy to get some evidence and if I get any, it is dismissed. I am not believed and if they do at first, they change their minds after having spoken to the narcissist. The narcissist is the poor victim. I am the perpetrator.
If the mid range has a poor fuel matrix containing only a ipps, and one ipss who leaves and is not replaced.
How does it change the dynamic of the ongoing relationship during times of devaluation with no secondary source for the narcissist to turn to
The narcissist would
1. Use NISSs who will be painted white,
2. Potentially seek out a fresh IPSS,
3. Probably hoover an existing IPSS of the Shelf (although you may have excluded there being anybody on the shelf in your scenario)
4. Utilise tertiary sources.
The devalued IPPS might be turned white and experience a Respite Period.
What I’m trying to ascertain is,
Do ipss’s play any role in prolonging or shortening the life span of the relationship between narcissist and ipps
Yes, read No Contact, it is explained there.
In one short answer do they prolong or shorten?
See No Contact.