Raising the Hoover Bar
The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.
There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.
I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered out mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. These hurdles may well raise the bar so it is less likely that the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, meaning it is less likely you will suffer a hurdle. Knowing what these factors are and how we regard them is crucial in formulating your defences to maintain No Contact. What, then, are those hurdles?
- Your Whereabouts
If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.
- Your Accessibility
In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave or note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.
- Gullibility of Friends and Family
We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.
- Happy and Contented
If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.
- A New Interest
If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.
- Your Fuel Potential
You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.
- Your Knowledge
If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.
- The Façade
This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.
- Energy levels
If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from primary sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.
- The Type of Narcissist
The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Mid-Range and Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other hoovers because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.
These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.
65 thoughts on “Raising the Hoover Bar”
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Timely!
A pub regular who we used to mingle with in Holborn London when we went out to Karaoke has just messaged me. I deleted him from FB ages ago! He was asking how I am nowadays. Random!
It’s a hoover. I’m sat here looking at my phone … … … … …
I don’t want to think about him, i’m thinking about his IPPS… she must be in devaluation and I feel for her!!
HG, please can you help me on this one? Is it a malign Hoover, part of the game? Why? I’m tempted to respond but I won’t.
Is what a malign hoover?
I’m not sure. One that is intended to overtly hurt, one that is not intended to draw you back into the relationship but to punish you, maybe? It has knocked me for six. It says I was to blame. I’ve been erased. – the ultimate rejection. My instinct is to apologise and unblock. I won’t, but I’m shaken.
Mr. Tudor, thank you so much for your blog. Greetings from Ecuador. I want to express my admiration, I think it is requiered a great intelligence and awareness to do what you do and although I understand that your intention is not to help us, your books and work have been my salvation. No contact was the first book I read, definitely having knowledge is necessary for recovery and from my point of view the only way.
I left my boyfriend (of 4-year-relation) because of my narcissist, just after talking during 1 week! In just one week, this narcissist washed my brain, I truly believed that I had won the lottery. I loved him as I had never loved. I definitely consider him a great narcicist, he is very intelligent and has all the qualities you describe. He told me that I was the smartest woman he had ever met and that I was “a diamond ” that he could polish, he told me that I was ambitious, determined and that he could provide me with the substrate to be more successful. He has a lot of money and I let myself be dazzled by that, he took me home to meet his mother and took me to the best places in his country Chile, he paid everything. As soon as I returned to Ecuador, he told me that everything would depend on me, that everything would change and that I should be patient with him,in two years we would get married. From there the devaluation began, the silent treatment and I couldn’t stand it.
All this lasted three months, I broke the relation by Whatsaap, blaming myself for being a “very easy woman”, because I thoght he had devaluated me because I gave him everything to soon. In truth that was the reason why or I thought he had stopped loving me. My narci told me this: “I know you have been thinking like this for the last few days, I know you speak sincerely, maybe I have some guilt in this, I changed for other reasons that are not relevant, we can be friends, you can” use me “whenever you want “, according to the money I lend you, don´t worry I don´t need it now. I told him that I preferred to take distance and since then I have blocked him and implemented no contact.
I realized that I had left a good man aside and returned with my boyfriend (he doesn’t know anything about what happened). I forgot to say that my narcicist is a friend of all my coworkers and although he lives in another country he has constant contact with them.
I have three concerns:
1. If I get into his sixth sphere of influence, will he try an evil hoovering? Will he tell my boyfriend everything? Will he tell everyone what happened?
2. The fact that I blamed myself, despite having broken the formal relationship, makes him think he won? And that I never realized his true intentions? therefore he would act with less evil during the future hooverings.
3. If I marry my boyfriend (whom I left during the golden age), it will damage his ego and it would be worse than if I married someone else?.
Excuse me for the length of my comment and my grammar (english is not my native language) but it is the first one I write in this blog and in truth this has been the only thing that has helped me.
Hello Alejandra and welcome to Ecuador! (said in Sash style!)
Your English is fine. Given the nature of your comment and query I need more information from you to help you and I also need to convey more information to you, therefore you would be best served by organising a consultation with me.
How long will the hoovering last? I know you’ve said that you’ve hoovered after 12 years. I can handle one hoover every 12 years. What about the incessant hoovering? How long will that last? Will he eventually move on and concentrate on his most recent victims?
I need specific information with regard to your situation to answer this , therefore do arrange a consultation
I was hoovered after 20 years in 2009. When he found me (via social media) he said he had previously come to the city where he thought I lived at the time to find me and went through every listing in the phone book with my last name (this would have been in the mid 90s when the internet didnt make all so easy). Very lucky for me he didn’t find me! I would have been toast.
Moral of the story: Never believe that they will never hoover you.
I know he will hoover me again and I can handle once ever 12 years or 20 years. Its this incessant hoovering now thats making me crazy. I’m hoping now that he has a new secondary source and still has his primary source, that he will eventually leave me alone. For 3 months he didn’t even say boo to me. Now the past month, he won’t let up. I’m hoping as they get new victims they will forget about the old victims. Am I being too hopeful thinking that way?
How is he able to keep hoovering, assess the conduits by which he is hoovering you and shut them down.
Unfortunately we work together and their are times he has to contact me for work. I’ve asked him to please email me or call me but he keeps showing up at my office. The only way to truly shut it down is to find another job. Which sucks because I love my job. I limit my reactions and as far as I’m concerned the formal relationship will never be reinstated. I just want the hoovering to stop.
This is why I create such material as this
https://narcsite.com/how-to-handle-the-narcissist-at-work/
Your blog and books have been a tremendous help to me. I don’t know where I would be without them. Thank you Mr. Tudor. I truly appreciate it.
You are most welcome.
As HG says, hope is a bitch. Read the article on hoovering and what triggers it (where is K? She is missed, and not just because she’s better than Google search and certainly the POS wordpress search). Do what HG says- go No contact (real no contact).
HG approves.
Hello strongerwendyme
Here are some articles that might be helpful.
https://narcsite.com/2016/06/27/the-spheres-of-influence-and-what-to-do-about-them/
https://narcsite.com/2016/11/29/its-hoover-time/
https://narcsite.com/2018/01/09/the-seduction-shuffle-hoover-2/https://narcsite.com/2016/07/15/the-follow-up-hoover/
There you are letter after J 🙂
My pleasure strongerwendyme!
Ha ha ha…I left a note for Leigh to check out your comment for the links.
And links are for Leigh. Thanks 🙂
Leigh
This link below may be helpful. When you have the time, type: No Contact Mistakes, into the search bar and it will pull up some more articles for you about NC.
There are some hoover articles listed below under strongerwendyme that you may like, as well.
https://narcsite.com/2017/12/05/the-wrong-no-contact/
I’ve read them and can’t go complete no contact because we work together. What I have to learn is how to not let his hoovers mpact me. Otherwise I have to quit my job. I’m trying slowly but surely to not let him impact my logical thinking.
Leigh
Ok, good. Keep reading and posting here. That’s the best way to get to Zero Impact. It’s rough and it takes time but you will get there. Honestly, I would not want to be in your shoes; you will always be in his first sphere of influence. Good luck!
Leigh,
Are you in the United States? In my state, we have what is called an Injunction Against Work Harassment. It is basically a Restraining Order against someone you work with. It can help secure your position at your job, while making sure the professionalism is maintained.
Of course a restraining order doesn’t make them go away, but it does raise the hoover bar, and you can also document if he breaches the order, and the prosecute if necessary.
I highly recommend this. You don’t need to stay in abuse if you don’t want to
Thank you K. I actually just reread these articles. I should have known not to mix business with pleasure. I just have to ignore him as much as possible until I can go absolutely no contact. I know the only way to do that is to find another job. Lesson learned.
My pleasure Leigh
Rereading the articles really helps with ET. Don’t beat yourself up; you were targeted and it wasn’t your fault.
I don’t know if you are familiar with: How To Reduce Giving Fuel to The Narcissist, but that may be helpful to read or reread, as well.
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/30/how-to-reduce-giving-fuel-to-the-narcissist-4/comment-page-1/
Hi K
Finished painting over all those wall charts? Lol. I’ve missed you.
I’ve missed you too K! Good to see you posting 😊
MB
I have missed you, as well! I was at the library and decided to go on narcsite to catch up.
K, it does take a lot of time! As HGTU Librarian, you have really put in the hours! A vacation was certainly in order and well deserved. I can’t keep up with all the comments anymore. I know I miss a lot and I hate that. I hope nobody thinks I’m ignoring them on a thread I’m not following!
MB
There are a lot of comments and it isn’t easy to keep up. I don’t think people think they are being ignored so relax and enjoy yourself. It’s a low stress blog. If I come across any salacious gossip or a disturbance in the force, I will direct you straight to it.
Thank you K!
My pleasure MB!
NarcAngel
Ha ha ha…I have missed you too. The trim is almost done and then The War Room will be complete, minus the chalk walls. It’s plain but I really like it.
Hello K
Nice to see you!!!
Narcsite missed its librarian!
Hello Twilight
Good to see you too!
It’s difficult to stay out of the library for long.
Lol K
I would rather be in the library then dealing with a Greater (work related), and moving to the country…..ok moving to the country is something I am going to enjoy. Bonfires and starry nights!!!!!
Twilight
The library is fabulous. It’s quiet and there are no Greaters to deal with. Bonfires and starry nights sound wonderful. The country is beautiful and I think you will definitely enjoy it. Good luck with your work-related-Greater. I would not want to be in your shoes. You and Leigh are in unfortunate positions and it’s comments like yours that make me realize how lucky I am.
Twilight
Congratulations on the move. I wish you much relaxation and re-energizing in what sounds like a more natural setting.
Thank you K and Ann, he always is professional and only comes to my office for work matters. These things can be handled over the phone or email though. Which I what I prefer he would do. I know it’s me that has to learn to not let it bother me. This blog and Mr. Tudor’s books have helped me immensely. Thank you Mr. Tudor.
My pleasure Leigh
Work matters are excellent opportunities for proximate hoover fuel. The blog and the books will help keep you on track.
Hi K
Glad you’re back.
All best,
LC
Hi LC
Thank you,
it’s good to be back.
K
I wonder how many empaths are in liove with HG
Of those he targets? Probably most of them!
I’ve pondered the same..
Scary thought, seeing as his entire message is summed up in the idea of keeping the hell away!
HG, I recently discovered that after a year of no contact and blocking it on certain, but not all social media platforms (for my own sanity), LMR narky has just blocked me! I am not tracking it or keeping tabs, and the news was unexpected and not welcome. Past history does not show this person to hoover easily or stalk, at least with me. Could you offer possible reasons for a block after such a long time? It is surprisingly discombobulating.
Discombombulating. Aah, the joys of English!
Bc he knows you’ll figure it out and will react
Sorry that’s was just my opinion HG
How can they know, from so far away in time and space, what will push your buttons?! Are they psychic? I was doing so well.
Yeah it’s instinctive lol. They sense they’re losing control of you . However long you left for last time, without contact, they’ll let you go about a few days or so longer then come hoovering.
Oh my, that’s spot on! It was 6 months last time. Now it’s been just over 8. Why do they do that???
Control
HG, is there a former IPPS or IPSS you have never hoovered?
A couple.
HG, would you mind sharing why you didn’t hoover them? Access difficulties or a high chance of being wounded by them? Or the effort required to hoover is not worth the fuel?
Thank you for educating us.
Both appliances were dead.
Did HG have anything to do with them being dead, indirectly- most likely, but directly? How did it change your fuel matrix, albeit only for a short time?
Did I kill them? No.
They exited the fuel matrix. It was not a problem for me.
So, should I conclude that in order to avoid a hoover, I should become a “dead appliance”?
No.
Read my work. Consult with me. Apply it.
Both appliances were dead.
I feel awful but I actually laughed at this comment HG. Not that they died but at the fact that once again you were correct…only death will stop a hoover