Try Walking In My Shoes
I always wake before you. This allows me to slip into the en suite and lock the door and deal with the horror of confronting another day without you seeing me endure this daily ritual. Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection. Is this what I have become? The bleary-eyed, stubbled, exhausted creature that gazes unwaveringly back at me. No, I do not recognise that thing. How old it looks. The lips are thin, the hair thinning and clumped. Its shoulders rounded and slumped in resignation. I feel refreshed from a solid night’s sleep yet whatever is looking back at me does not accord with that feeling. The fear crawls across my skin and I rub at myself trying to dislodge that cold grip but it never works. The inner dread rises as I contemplate another day at the grindstone trying to piece together what I am, that long arduous task which never gets easier. In point of fact, the task becomes more difficult with each passing month as my advancing age screams at me about my mortality. How that banshee tortures me as she howls in my ears about my waning powers. I feel the tears welling as every injustice I have ever suffered is heaped on my shoulders by an uncaring and oblivious world. Does it not see my pain or does it just not care?
My mobile phone is clutched in my hand. I rarely let it leave my side and I place it on the counter besides the sink and then grip the counter as I continue to look at my reflection. My knuckles whiten as I fight the urge to scream at how empty I feel, how bereft I am and how this is so damn unfair. I try to wrench my gaze away but I cannot. I am entranced by what I see. I do not recognise this person. Where has that shock of white come from in the hair above the left temple? That is not me. Its skin looks dry as if it has been subjected to the dehydrating suction of some foul shade that visited in the night. The horror continues to escalate and it is only the chime of my ‘phone which breaks this terrible appreciation of the thing in the mirror.
Grateful for this interruption I shift my eyes to the ‘phone and see that a message has arrived from one of my coterie of admirers, Samantha. The pilot light inside of me flares into life and there is the slightest surge as the fuel begins to flow. I should wait until I have showered but the hunger is too great already and it must be addressed. I open the text message and like a starving man being given his first meal after fasting I devour the words of admiration.
“Good morning handsome, I missed you last night, I will call you when you are at work xxx”
The flame increases in size and strength as I close the message and smile .I turn on the shower letting the stream of water heat up as I flick to the texts that Samantha sent last night whilst I sat on the settee preoccupied with my activity of flitting between her texts and a conversation I was engaging in with a new prospect on facebook. I re-read a handful of the texts from Samantha with their declarations of admiration for me and I feel my strength returning. I put the phone down and step into the shower and relish the hot embrace of the jets of water. The fear has shrunk away and the dread sensation has been pushed back down. I liberally apply the shower gel, enjoying the sophisticated scent as I use a different product on my face, scrubbing away the dead cells and then another to cleanse and wash. I turn the taps and the water stops. I reach for a thick towel and pat my face dry feeling rejuvenated. As I stood beneath the purifying water my keen mind raced whilst I formed my machinations for the day. Always plotting and always scheming. The prospective fuel that will be garnered from the new sources that I am pursuing coupled with the dose of triangulation I will involve you in is causing me to feel excited and powerful. I pick up a bath sheet and admire the toned nature of my body as I dry myself and embark on the next stage of my preparation for the day by shaving and brushing my teeth.
A little while later my phone has chimed again and this time it is a colleague wanting to arrange lunch as he wants my advice since I am an expert on a particular topic he has to present on. The flame inside rises higher now and this spurs on my delinquent mind to consider additional ways to garner that oh so precious fuel during the day. The hunt for fuel is unending. The craven hunger that rumbles inside of me cries out for it and it is my sole preoccupation. The beast inside must be fed. Yet, now I am feeling strong. I haven’t applied my after shave and already two admirers have seen fit to worship at my altar and the games have not even yet to be played. But they will. I reach for the fragrance and splash it into my cupped hands and apply it to my neck as I look to the mirror. The handsome me has returned. The piercing blue eyes shine, the tousled, shiny locks of hair await the application of some wax to style them, the unblemished skin and close shave accentuate my chiselled good looks. I flash that winning smile as another surge of power flows through me. God I look good.
I return to the bedroom, ‘phone in hand and find you have now risen and I can hear the sounds of movement in the kitchen downstairs as you prepare breakfast as you always do. You will shortly bring me a mug of fresh coffee but I think I will complain that it is not hot enough and criticise you, just to see if I can provoke a reaction from you. It should not be too hard, I know precisely what to say. I notice the bed has not been made and rather than attend to it and help you, when you pass me my coffee with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I will cock my head towards the dishevelled heap and tut. Ah, yes, the master of games knows his stuff. I dress as another text arrives from another friend who wants to organise a golf game and asks for help with his swing, praising my technique. He is after more than assistance with his golf since he wants me to place work with him. He will have to provide me with more fuel yet to even be considered and of course, I will send the work elsewhere since there is someone who will give me something I want in return in a sweeter form and in larger amounts than my golfing chum. Still, the disappointment on his face will no doubt provide me with a hit too.
I can hear you coming up the stairs and I decide I will take a look in the full length mirror since I am fully attired to admire how elegant I look. I dress in a manner which says to anyone who meets me that the first move is mine. I stand and give a contented nod at my statuesque reflection. I look fantastic. I start to smile and then a bolt of anguish shoots through me as the craven creature that first lurked in the bathroom mirror appears. It is only for the briefest of instances but it causes me to exhale. My expensively-dressed self returns and the relief washes over me in an amazing way. The creature has gone again. He does that though. He likes to make fleeting appearances throughout my day to remind me that I must keep finding fuel. My quest for the potent fuel must be at the forefront of my mind at all times. As if on cue, you enter the bedroom, a veritable reservoir of fuel. You greet me as I cock my head to the unmade bed and tut. I feel the rush of power as your smile evaporates and you look crestfallen. The games have begun and my day is off to a great start. I only hope that creature stays away from me.
18 thoughts on “Try Walking In My Shoes”
That’s what makes me think he will come back later… I’m an inexhaustible source of energy
They always come back. I remember saying that to my narc about previous ex boyfriends (that I didn’t then realize were narcs) they would come back months or a year later with regret and I would tell them to eff off. But with him I wouldn’t. With him it took three times. You don’t want to be there when he comes back because the abuse gets worse each time and it happens faster because you are being punished for whatever happened before.
two months after rejecting me, he returned to FB, then I threw him out of my friends, I guess it was hoovering, in is covert narcissist, he will blame me, he has long-distance relationships behind him so I don’t think he appears quickly, my person can only to serve for triangulation, but I will not give him this satisfaction, I saw what he did with his ex-wife and with me, I suspect that I will forget about him when he decides to remind himself, I see that he is waiting for me to speak, but even if I would , something inside does not allow me, sometimes I think that I behave like a narcissus, I also blame former partners and also think that I could come back to them if I tried …
That creature in the mirror, my dear H.Gee, is sweet revenge from the Empaths who could never win! As we learn to rise above the rubble, as we have soul ( and of course with the knowledge from you , the Master) we shall continue to look at a more beautiful reflection each day and with each stone we unturn. Somehow it makes me smile and feel some sort of gratitude to the Universe who will return your creature each day with more power ripping aging that will tear at you by the hour. I strive to keep ego out, but from the heap of rubble I have pulled my soul up from, is still a pool of nasty ego at the very bottom that is just loving the image of you cringing at your truth in reflection.
Honesty and a display of vulnerability. The narcissist needs the fuel of negative and positive emotion directed toward them. I feel I need the outlet to direct my negative and positive emotion outward. Is that what a co-dependent is? I will have to read more about that.
HG. Is this from experience or just an illustration Do all schools of N experience this?
In differing forms, it is an amalgam to convey the concept.
Than you for the profound article, HG. Only a strong person – a Narcs, an Empath or simply a strong human being can show their vulnerability and face their inner demons . And you are such a person.
Yes this actually made me sad and made me remember seeing that vulnerability and how I wanted to fix it. Thank you HG for also making it clear that it’s not fixable.
I called that creature “Crumpledstilskin” because I’m a total smart ass. Then I would kiss him and run off and make coffee but I heard him call me a little bitch lol
Cyn….lol. Little bitch. Look who’s laughing now. When people call me a bitch I am like…thanks, I put a lot of hard work into it
I get this. There are similarities in you and me. Each time I read it, it’s a gut punch. I must read ‘Chained’ again. Have you approved the new cover yet?
Dear HG, it is an honour to read your work. You are the best writer in the world. I am fascinated and privileged to learn about you. Love from your Geyser Carrier Empath.
HG, Thank you for sharing your inner world with us. You always were, are, and ever will be more than good enough. When the creature tells you otherwise, these are fears born of lies and abuse. I know saying this changes nothing, but it bears repeating for the sake of accuracy (what we empaths call truth).
A very honest article; thank you, HG. I could say more, but there is no point.
I could see, feel, sense that vulnerability, that creature peep through more often as my narc aged from 60-65, as he got wearier and lazier about keeping the mask on.