This Is Not No Contact! No. 1
If you believe that you should demonstrate the strength of your apparent no contact regime by allowing the narcissist to send you text messages so you can ignore them, you are being led by your emotional thinking and you do not have a no contact regime.
This is an executed, albeit unsuccessful hoover and you are placing your head in the lion’s mouth expecting it not to bite you. It will do so eventually. You do not need to take this risk.
You do not need to know what the narcissist is writing to you.
You risk becoming angered, upset, hurt, irritated or some other adverse feeling as a consequence of reading the text message.
Initially the narcissist will receive Thought Fuel if the narcissist knows the message has been received (although this is shortlived) and therefore this increases the risk of being hoovered (all else being equal in the Hoover Execution Criteria).
You are also increasing your emotional thinking by allowing this communication to take place, by reading it (or even if you do not read it) by being led to think about the narcissist (however momentarily) as this text message has reached you. This leads to the risk of reaching a tipping point which will cause you to respond in some way and thus you find yourself stuck on the Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery.
If you think it is entertaining to toy with the narcissist by allowing the text messages through and ignore them, you are being led by your emotional thinking which is corrupting your empathic trait of justice and/or narcissist trait of pride.
If you think you need to know that the narcissist is still interested in you (don’t worry, we remain interested until either you die or we die) you are being led by your emotional thinking which is corrupting your empathic trait of truth seeking and/or your narcissistic trait of pride.
Block the number.
Better still change your number.
Get Out. Stay out.
28 thoughts on “This Is Not No Contact! No. 1”
I have tried this, thinking , no problem, I just wont answer. As HG says, it doesn’t work.
I want to offer up a theory as to why, in addition to what HG says about us being ruled by emotional thinking.
During lovebombing, especially if the Narc messaged u frequently throughout the day, the Narc addiction was set up, and “dosing” was every few hrs. We were unconsciously hooked on Narc heroin, but not just to the Narc attention which set off the dopamine and oxytocin. We had a bell “ding” and a face/chathead reinforcement with each msg from the Narc. So in addition to them setting off love chemicals 40 times a day with their attention, it was anchored with a sound and picture 40 times a day.
Our chances of surviving no response to a Narc text is 0. Just the ding, just the chathead, or any reach from the Narc will automatically dose you with Narc heroin.
Although I’m the weakest ever at standing up to my Narc, I do know this is happening. I can even feel it.
With any contact you will get dosed, and then another trip around Planet Narc. But remember the ding or chathead will dose you too.
What say you on my theory, HG.
We’re like Pavlov’s dogs with a chemical addiction.
In essence this is linked to the emotional thinking, it is your emotional thinking which is being injected each time you have any form of interaction with the narcissist. That emotional thinking obscures logic and also generates an emotional response (in some instances this will be the hit of dopamine which you refer to) which causes a pleasant sensation and thus compels you to seek more of it. The ET generates other emotional responses as well in other instances, which is designed to compel you to engage with the narcissist in some form.
How many new articles in these days, HG! I suppose this is the first article of a serie of several numbers, and afterwards you are going to write the No 2, No 3 and so on, are you?
I may just jump to number 4 Stella, just to keep you on your toes!
Infact I notice you often do that. For example with the “Letters to the narcissist” that are numbered, you recently skipped some of them by jumping from 59 to 61, and then 63 etc. You did the same with the series such as “The Errors of Ignorant” and “The Golden Rules of Freedom”. I’ve already understood that was done intentionally to keep your readers on their toes and it was not a forgetfulness of yours. It would be simply impossible as you are too clever in nature to make such mistakes. Marketing strategy or evidence of your narcissistic traits? 😀
HG, you are right as always and your voice of reason gives me strength. These should be your commandments 1. Thou shall block narcissist or change number.
Indeed I am.
After learning the characteristics of a narc, the manipulative tactics and that no contact was necessary, I did not truly understand how a slight, benign seeming response could be such a dangerous breach of no contact until I read fuel. Fuel put everything in perspective. It seems the narc’s world and very existence revolve around the constant intake of fuel. So any response, even nonverbal, can be detrimental.
I found out recently that DIL was allowing FB messages through from her Matrinarc. She insisted that she found them amusing and wanted to see what she was saying. I told her she did not have a need to know and although she believes she can handle it, she will reach a point where she WILL be affected. Furthermore, she had not blocked her mother from her FB either. (Her mother had blocked her and has recently unblocked her – Parental Hoover Time much?) She “wanted her mother to see how well she was doing without her”. Textbook, right?!?
I had a talk with her and sent her an HG YT recording. She blocked her and admitted that she feels less anxious now knowing she won’t see anything Matrinarc has to say. I’m so proud of her and glad I have the knowledge to spread.
Well done, MB.
Ripples to waves MB. Good work.
I find no verbal clutter around the words No Contact, but for those who do, this will be an excellent series. You have previously written lengthier articles on No Contact, but perhaps the brevity and specificity of this format will make it clearer for those who still think it means that they don’t INITIATE the contact. Proof that you continue to identify the most effective ways to have your messages received and to remove any loopholes that could keep people who legitimately want success from achieving it. You are an exceptional educator.
Many thanks NA, I appreciate your comments and observations, which as always, are of value. I agree, that by providing such information in a “punchier” format, this is aimed at enabling people to grasp understanding faster and of course if they require more detail by which to drill down, they can organise to consult with me.
Hey NA! My seester! I miss you. Haven’t been on the blog much. I sure am loving these new articles, HG!
Life tends to keep us busy at times but I am always happy to see when you make time to visit and comment. In the interim I think of you whenever I see Unicorns and glitter and wonder what you’re up to.
NA, glitter and unicorns are my ever presence! #yourewelcome
NA—I appreciate the phrase verbal clutter!
I also like the shortened, specified versions myself.
HG, last night at a concert (after 6 solid weeks of No Contact), I drunkenly unblocked my narc ex and sent him a video of the concert, (the artist was a shared musical taste). He responded and we exchanged about 3 texts. How do I come back from this? This morning, I feel horrible, weak, and stupid. It was going on 6 weeks, abiding by your NC rules, and it’s all to sh*t now…
1. Your ET took advantage of your being drunk and caused the no contact breach. If your ET was much lower, even being drunk would have not caused the breach. ET is the problem.
2. You start NC again.
I recommend that you organise a consultation with me to assess your no contact regime and to assist with regard to understanding what you must do and how ET impacts on you. I look forward to assisting you.
Yes please I’m interested. Do I email you directly?
You may do so email@example.com or use the options in the menu bar and follow the instructions there.
I have done similar, sent a friendly, benign text and hated myself for it afterward, regardless of how he replied (or didn’t reply). Just get back on the NC horse, in a couple days it’ll be off your radar, erased 🙂
Thanks Joanne ❤️
We gotta keep going!!
(How ironic, as soon as I reblocked, I saw a blocked VM from him last night….they must pick up on it subconsciously. Nuts!)
I didn’t know you could still see vm’s after blocking…interesting.
On IPhones, yes. But you won’t hear it ring; if the blocked party calls, it goes right to VM. But they can leave you one. If they do, it will come up under “blocked messages” in your VM tab