Why Yes Is Not Always Best

WHY YES, IS NOT ALWAYS BEST

Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.

 

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24 Comments

  1. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING , I RECENTLY SAID TO MALE NAR C. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? “I WANT YOUR SOUL ” YOUR LIFE FORCE. I WANT TO OWN YOU! I WANT TO DESTROY YOU. . MY GOD HE MUST’VE HATED ME FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. 👹

  2. I had the opportunity to say recently to an ex narcissist wanting something from me for the first time felt so empowering not feeling that guilt

  3. Hello HG,

    Do MRN bosses (in the workplace) prefer a buffer, middle men that they can say no to, but in the end they concede as it’s the best outcome for the business and they know they can’t win? Why say no in the first place? What is the dynamic?

    And if so, what is with the new guy? The kiss-up that takes on everything and can do no wrong? Not sure if I’m dealing with an N or just a norm who’s PA?

    Thanks,
    m
    p.s. I think I know the answer after reading your stuff. Just wondering what they see in the up and comers who can do no wrong? How did they earn that status? Do address this in one of your books?

  4. Thank you, HG, for all of the advice you give in these emails. If my Nex ever asks (he won’t because I am in Grey Rock mode) me for anything, I will just say “no.” Since he likely sees it as a sign of strength, he will likely take me seriously and go away.

      1. Just one last post divorce business issue to resolve and then I go completely no contact. We still have an adult child together so I may have to deal with future wedding and grandchildren. 🤮

        1. I am an adult child of divorce. I respect my parents feelings and never make them attend events together. And there are grandchildren involved. Hopefully your kids respect your wishes not to see him in the future Joanna, cross each bridge as it comes.

          1. Thank you, empath007! They say they will absolutely respect my wishes. I hope they mean it but those bridges haven’t come yet. I just wanted to set my boundaries with them. 🥴

        2. Joanna—I promise it shifts, it is shifting. You DO NOT have to deal with him at a wedding or with grandchildren. I refuse and my kids have told the doctor they are bothered by the constant comments he makes. Need I even tell them why there is never verbal contact? NO. They see with their own eyes. A wedding—different table and zero eye contact. Easy. It’s not as impossible as it seems. It’s becoming the only viable possibility actually.

          1. Lorelei: You are absolutely correct about it shifting. They absolutely see it and I believe feel protective of me. Thank you for your words of encouragement. <3

  5. Such an important lesson. Saying no does not make you a narcissist or mean you are being offensive to someone else. It means you are showing respect to yourself. Healthy people have boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. Those who are offended by a no are those who would invade and abuse yours for their own gain. Why would I care about saying no to someone like that? Why would I care about the opinion of someone who wants me to say yes for their own gain? An abuser might be offended? That’s rich.

    1. NA,
      I agree. They violate your boundaries and play the victim role when you say No to them. If they do not respect your right to have your own values and to assert yourself, they do not deserve your respect.

    2. NA,
      I am learning that it is not only narcissists that can not take no for an answer. When I think of people who I thought genuinely cared about me, but was actually using me to try and gain information, or was simply saying things to get attention from me and others for there own selfish gain, it makes me sick! I have been working on and learning about boundaries and I realize now how many boundaries some individuals have crossed that I didn’t even realize. I myself have crossed boundaries, however I did not know it at the time and I never have done it to hurt anyone or for my own personal gain. I simply did not know, and thought I was helping. I am still learning Sister!

      Btw, you did see a picnic on the beach, it just turned out to be nothing except a field trip for me to use the advice and signs that I have been taught here to look for. Little Sister aced that! I shut that shit down quick! Hahaha 😘💞

  6. Wow, that was truly enlightening for me. I had no model of this, really. Had I known this all along!!! You’re right, this, is the the position of power.
    Off to practice No on people. 🤔

  7. NO YOU CANT DRIVE MY CAR RECKLESSLY, NO YOU CANT BE MEAN TO MY ANIMALS. NO YOU CANT BE RUDE TO MY FRIENDS ,NO YOU CANT. SAY ITS OK TO HURT ME BECAUSE I DON’T COUNT I’M JUST YOUR TOY TO DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING. WITH .🐷🦊🐑 YOU ARE A WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING YOU ARE A PIG. I WAS THE ONE WHO LOVED YOU MORE THEN YOU EVER DESERVED .

  8. So true we dont like to hurt other peoples feelings while in the end we are only hurting ourselves! HG is teaching us to be strong.

    1. Yes exactly! I don’t like to say no because I fear hurting someone’s feelings, even if they don’t care about mine. But you can’t hurt a narc’s feelings, at least not in the way we get hurt.

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