Twisted

 

TWISTED

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

 

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8 Comments

  1. My answer is both.

    If one analyses only the last paragraph, it is obvious that those words belong to both.

    “Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense.”- words of empath. But it can also be narc’s when used projection and blame shifting.

    In my case we didn’t have almost anything in common. ( big age gap, different interests and lifestyle and so on)

  2. I just asked my narc if he was talking to a mirror because he was going on as usual claiming how negative I am and never listen to him. He was the only one of us in that conversation saying anything negative. The mirror question stopped him for a second and he quickly said No. I had done very well nine years ago starting out at the office, but he as my boss wouldn’t help me develop because he was too busy triangulating me and compartmentalizing me. He apparently would boast of my accomplishments to others, I’m sure he would take credit for me, but if those people told me, I’d say it couldn’t have been me, he never says anything nice about me. What I learned growing up with a narc mom is that no one was supposed to ever like me, I was second place to everyone else or everyone else is more important than me, and that I wasn’t to be taken seriously. Narc’s will give you inferiority even when you know inside that you’re not.

    I’m having situational anxiety or depression from breaking up with my narc and making changes in my life with my job and my social life. A year ago I discovered narcissism here, that the people in my life weren’t real. It was hard to fathom, or to realize they never loved me. We live in a bizarre world of everyday people walking amongst us pretending and wearing masks, mothering us, marrying and dating us, employing us, and tearing us down because it makes them feel better. If I’d grown up in a normal family, if I’d never have met this boss, what a difference it would have made. But believe me, the families in the big beautiful new houses we drive by are all dealing with the same issues as those in the smaller older homes. Narcs think the one who has the most toys in the end wins. But their shiny newbies never last, never make them happy, they always have to make sure there’s a source of fuel around to get them through every function of their day.

    It bothered me to think my boss who’s been fired will just shake it off and land on his feet, powerful as ever. But I realize he’s not happy, he’s not capable of it, he’s got issues he creates at home, he’s always angry, he’s on a hamster wheel of repetition and routines.

    Change begins. Flying out of a birdcage you’ve always been in to a window ledge means having to leap off the ledge, fly like you never could before, and not knowing where to fly to. Freedom is being brave and bold, and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, and feeling the beautiful breeze across your smiling face. It’s jumping into a cold pool, it’s shaking off your fears, and finally living as if you grew up in a normal family and never met that particular boss. Cry if I must, like a child being born, this, as it turns out, is life.

  3. Definitely a narc’s words. While I was devastated that he threw away what I thought we had and discarded me like trash when all I did was love him, I never objectified him.

  4. Those words are too thought out, emothional and numerous to be mine.
    You are a con man who used me with no regard. Just for a fun time, money and glory and when it got “real”, no fun, you finally had to work and I realised I was doing all the work and questioned you without rose coloured glasses you left. You threw your dummy out of the pram as you went then cried like a baby to see who would pick you up and cuddle the “poor widdle victim” next. never turning your head to see the destruction of your family especially your vulnerable children behind you. I made me feel good all those years, I made the business, I kept the children happy and made great holidays. You were just my anchor keeping my head just below the waterline and unable to move forward. Your cowardace helped the anchor to be raised and we are sailing away without you.

Vent Your Spleen!

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