This Is Not No Contact! No. 3
The temptation to check the narcissists social media is strong, often irresistible. After all, you need to know what he is doing, who is he with after he disengaged from you, is he writing about you? Does that cryptic post have something to do with you or is it aimed at someone new?
He said he was not in town this weekend, so how come he has checked in at the bar in the city centre? Why is he posting memes about loyalty? Has he fallen out with the new Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are those comments about never trusting part of a smear campaign against you? Why are the pictures of him and you still up when he is no longer seeing you? Why have the pictures of you and him been removed so quickly at the end, does he not care at all?
Where is she? Who is she with? What is she doing? What does this mean? Why has he gone there? Who is that person in the picture? Why did he not take me there? Why is she with him? Why has he chosen her?
Questions. Questions. Questions.
And you went snooping on the social media to get answers. You may get some, but more usually you will only generate more questions. Even if you gain some answers, they will lead you to want to learn more, you think you are playing detective, piecing it together, but all you are continuing to do is engage with the narcissist by doing something in relation to the narcissist (viewing his or her social media), then talking about what you find with other people (often at length) and/or ruminating over it.
Always the questions? Always the pondering?
Think you have gained some knowledge? Maybe, but your emotional thinking will make you think you are making progress and keep you hunting. If you do not turn something up at first, your emotional thinking will keep you hunting again, convincing you that everyone has something on social media and therefore the answers will come in due course.
But this is not breaching no contact is it? After all, it is not as if you are spending time with the narcissist or talking to him. There is no direct contact and how can he even know that you are looking at his Facebook posts, watching his Twitter feed, spying on his Instagram activity?
Firstly, the narcissist expects you to be doing this, such is the entitlement and grandiosity. Thus, Thought Fuel will be generated, for a short time at least.
Secondly, by engaging in this you are of course inviting being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork. You may not be providing any fuel, but you will be suffering an adverse consequence because you will become confused, irritated, hurt, angry and so forth and thus you are losing. You are also increasing your emotional thinking and thus remaining on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery. You will not reduce your emotional thinking by engaging in this activity and furthermore, by keeping it high, you will keep engaging further, hunting, sifting, analysing and spying. With the continued consequence as you go round and round and round.
You do not need to know what the narcissist is saying, doing, seeing or boasting about.
Your emotional thinking corrupts your empathic trait of truth seeking to make you think this is a necessary and logical step.
It is not.
You are breaching the first golden rule of freedom.
You must halt this activity and the the most effective way is to remove yourself from social media (for a time at least) and ensure you do not look at the narcissist on social media in any shape or form.
26 thoughts on “This Is Not No Contact! No. 3”
The last time I was going to check his social media, I went to create a new account (This was quite a while ago) and accidently found myself in his account. This had not been my intent, but since I was there, I had a few minutes and looked around, found he was doing the same stuff–lying, cheating, judging. It wasn’t my business, though, so I closed it out and haven’t done it again. He found out of course, and I pretended like I didn’t know what had happened. We had been no contact and I met the hoover criteria with that one.
I can tell he is thinking about me because the wedding ring finger sounds off. It is a physical sensation. I have symbolically been taking the ring off and throwing it away to get rid of this connection. One day, so frustrated by it still happening, I “put the ring on” and tugged at the cord. After no contact for a week, he called me that day.
One day I went through my deleted pictures and accidentally found the pictures of him, specifically of his…you know what. Always loved that thing. I looked for a minute, then shut it down. So what happens–he calls me that day and says he misses me doing things to that.
Obviously I’m not no contact. I’ve given up on that for now. The addiction is still too strong. I’m not seeing him or spending long times talking to him or wanting to go back to him, and I expect no contact to be possible in the future. I have found a new love and it is all I want.
I’m aware of what he the ex narc is going through because of HG and because of the connection, but I don’t feel compassion for him anymore. The connection, though, is trippy. How can such a thing exist with someone who doesn’t feel? It’s a hard thing to let go of. I hope such is possible with the new love.
Congratulations on the new love.
I am guilty of this. This is a tough one.
However, in the future, do you think it would be wise to add a potential boyfriend to social media to spy on him to determine if hes a narc? As there can be signs on social media of this. I could restrict any new prospects from seeing my profile… and just casually watch theirs while things are new?
As they say, When in narcville… do as the narcissists do lol
Yep, my biggest mistake. I was suicidal for a time after seeing him with his new IPPS on facebook.
Ouch. Hope you are much better these days Kay *big hug*
After 6 months of no contact (half assed version- no reaching out or responding but that mess wasn’t blocked either. I wanted my ego stroked to see the fake ‘I MISS YOUS!’ i blocked him abruptly. Heeding advice on this- also this way I am denying him the thought fuel of me reacting to his sad little ‘So happy at my reunion !’ photos. That’s in October and no he has no audience. YAY!!
Kill the Mouse!
Hahaha – FM1T!
I heard cyanide is effective…For mice that is
Cyanide is effective for a lot of things Mercy! 😈
Hello HG. Wonderful article and oh how I pray people would listen to you!! You are also correct on most therapists do not know what they are doing, who they are dealing with, etc!! Unbelievable! I feel for their patients so bad. Have you ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker as an expert on narcissism? Do seminars, weekend group counseling, a TV show…anything to get your knowledge to so many? Thank you.
Thank you DID. There are many platforms that my work needs to appear upon. I also undertake some work with regard to assisting individuals with regard to motivational matters, achievement and leadership.
“I also undertake some work with regard to assisting individuals with regard to motivational matters, achievement and leadership.”
Is this assistance with regard to your work/consultations on Narcissism? Or is it something you do related to your work in your personal life?
It is separate from my personal life.
Thank-you. So it is both separate from your work on Narcissism and separate from your personal life?
Yes, although I’ve utilised it for some people who are victims of narcissism
Okay. Thank-you for the clarification.
Sorry, I am not trying to be obtuse but I’m genuinely interested in what context you offer that service.
Email me please
Thank-you, I will.
The temptation is strong indeed. We are in the most challenging era ever for No Contact. Your logic has time to talk you out of driving past the narcissist’s house or writing a letter. A Google search can be done in ten seconds flat. Logic doesn’t stand a chance! ET is driving the mouse.
Good point MB!
I admit to thinking how simple it would be to Google my narcissist’s name but I do not.
So true! “Back in my day” when something didn’t work out with a guy it was out of sight, out of mind. I never had an urge to do a drive by or call afterward (granted these were not likely to be narcs). Although he is blocked from viewing/contacting me, since all his accounts are public I can easily look at him any time I want.
OTOH, when I found out how he’d conned people into funding his Great, Worthy Cause, then suddenly announced his move out of state, which he’d obviously known about for months, it helped me see what a slimebucket he was. He never got anything material out of me, just emotional fuel, but I wasn’t singled out because I had Done Something Wrong. He’s a predator. Not a very polished one, at that.
Also, he looks worse than he should in the time that’s passed since we were in the same room. I actually made up a file of chronological images titled “So-and-so aging badly,” and whenever I start feeling regret over what coulda-shoulda-woulda happened, I look at it to remind myself I’m not missing much.
Everybody gets older: people go gray thinning or bald; people get too pudgy or too scraggy; some try to hide it with weaves, nips, tucks, implants, stomach stapling, etc. That’s not the issue. What I see in his picture is his character (or lack thereof) manifesting in his appearance.
Of course, some higher-functioning narcs will hide it better, and look quite distinguished. Lurking would only make the empath feel worse.