Narcissist v Shelf IPSS
The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.
- The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).
2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.
3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.
4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist
“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”
This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.
There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with
“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”
The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.
5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.
7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.
8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist
“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”
Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is an instant response from the narcissist by text
“I miss you too.”
The SIPSS sends a further text.
“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.
9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning
“Hi, are you okay?”
Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.
10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again
“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text
“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”
This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again
“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”
This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
12. She waits ten minutes and texts again
“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”
This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.
13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later
“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”
He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.
14. The SIPSS answers immediately
“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”
This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.
He texts back immediately
“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”
He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white
15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-
” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”
Again positive Challenge Fuel.
There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
16. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
17. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”
Positive Challenge Fuel.
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
18. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.
No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.
19. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.
20. The narcissist responds
“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”
The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.
The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.
21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.
The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.
The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.
22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday
“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”
This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.
The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.
23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.
Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.
24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.
When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.
Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.
24 thoughts on “Narcissist v Shelf IPSS”
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Is it possible that a narcissist has only secondary sources for months and months? I am a bit confused by definition of primary and secondary sources. Does it mean a primary is only an official girlfriend or can it be someone narc’s dating for a month and more, talks to every day, sends good morning and good night texst regularly, makes plans with, helps to with everyday responsibilities etc.
It would be highly unusual for a narcissist to have only secondary sources for months and months. There is for most narcissists (i.e. Lesser and Mid Range) either an intimate partner primary source or a non-intimate partner primary source in place. Greaters can operate without an IPPS (or NIPPS) for some time, but ultimately prefer to have an IPPS eventually.
If you want to understand more use these
https://narcsite.com/what-am-i-to-the-narcissist-where-do-you-sit-in-the-narcissists-fuel-matrix/
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
I read all those articles..I was trying to determine my place in HIS fuel matrix but really it’s not important anymore. And, as you said, we never know who else and what else is there, it depends on a lot of factors and on a unique situation so. Thank you 😀
Can a mid nomadic survive for a few weeks without a PS HG If they were in a temp situation where they were receiving lots of fuel from numerous sources? Could it also be possible that someone who was nomadic and committment phobe not be an N? or is this highly unlikely?
1. Read No Contact.
2. Highly unlikely – if you want certainty AS2016, use the Narc Detector.
Thanks HG. I intend to use Narc Detector for another N in my life to determine what school they are (as you are already aware).
As for this one, they don’t impact on me significantly to warrant NC or a consult. It was more out of interest as I have to put every single person I meet in to some sort of box now. And they just seemed to show a lot of red flags but then the vital one re PS (either IP or NIP did not seem to fit, otherwise I’d say everything else did. But then JS didn’t have a PS after his mum died? well I don’t believe so. I would imagine he was a rare exception, plus a possibly a greater? This one most definitely can’t be a greater).
Thanks for your answer and reminder of NC. I’d like to say don’t worry about me, but I know you don’t anyway. Lots and lots of laughing emojis not included just for you because you’re special.
HG?
1. Don’t you get angered or so if the shelf toy isn’t texting? Why don’t you want to text you and asking you to meet her??
2. What if she doesn’t want to play with you anymore?
3. What if she plays with someone else, while you are occupied elsewhere?
4. What if she vanishes from the shelf?
5. What if she gets dusty up there?
1. Do you mean do we get angry if the shelf appliance fails to text us, either unprompted or fails to text when we have texted them? If you do, when you are on the shelf it is not an issue that you have failed to text us because we do not want to interact with you. If we text you and you fail to respond, that wounds.
2. That wounds or is challenge fuel.
3. Not an issue at the time it occurs because we are occupied elsewhere.
4. How? Dies? That’s irritating but there are others.
5. She’s painted grey from the dust!
1. That is so irritating.
4. Blocked him completely on all channels, and he doesn’t have new address because he was focused elsewhere.
5. haha!
I am always like that. :/ Why, HG?
And I had disengaged for several weeks, and been punished for that by refusing intimacy.
So, all I want is now one final meeting, before he leaves the country in 1,5 weeks, because I feel he owes me one night of perfect sex … get the illusions his brilliant side can provide … is all ….
… But no idea how to make him.
Instead he is driving me up the wall by exactly that behaviour — comfort crumbs, postponing coming to visit for weeks now. Always with very good excuses, but also now for the 1st time actually mentioning meeting other people. (Allgedly just buddies, ex colleagues (guys) …. Yes, I do know he had lied about meeting tinder dates **lol** before, so I don’t want much from him, just 1 final meeting, is all.
How?
Otherwise – what would annoy him most?
—-
Am also dating a normal guy, but that scares me much more.
You do not state Ava101 as such but I assume the individual you are referring to is suspected to be a narcissist? On that basis, you cannot control that which is designed to reject control. If you want to understand more about why this is with regard to your personal situation, do organise a consultation and moreover ask yourself “why am I engaging with someone I believe to be a narcissist?”
I have read this so many times, but what struck me today is the way the narc fails to respond “as a consequence of being on the shelf”. That’s brilliant, and so true!
But when you are in that situation it sure feels like they must be angry with you, or they’ve lost interest, and off you go with the obsessing and ET.
The MMRN also used to read my texts, not respond immediately, and then respond several hours later, like no time had gone by in between. It was so odd.
A Normal person responds to texts, every time. And if they read your text, they respond right away. Definitely a red flag if they don’t.
Exactly. Your ET leads you astray, when in reality, you are simply “not in play” because the narcissist is occupied elsewhere. You are the toy in the cupboard as he plays with a different one.
Agreed HG just like a child.
Supernova,
re “The MMRN also used to read my texts, not respond immediately, and then respond several hours later, like no time had gone by in between. It was so odd.
A Normal person responds to texts, every time. And if they read your text, they respond right away. Definitely a red flag if they don’t.”
I have a different opinion. I understand that all of us have a life outside our phones. I do not expect a reply right away. I am speaking about personal relationships. This is not about work or emergencies.
Depending on what I am being asked, I usually need time to answer private texts. It is part of my personality and I do not think it is necessarily disordered behaviour.
I dedicate time and energy as I want to provide a proper answer and not something quick but useless. I know several people who do the latter. It is for me frustrating to interact with them. It makes the impression they just do not care, which I would accept if only they were honest about it.
From my perspective, expecting that someone responds right away would match the narcissistic traits of Entitlement and Superiority: “Drop anything you are doing and respond NOW. I am more important than you and your life.”
EB,
I see what you are saying and how you took my comment as entitled, though thats not how I meant it.
Of course we are all busy and I don’t expect anyone, even the narc when I was engaged, to answer me immediately. What I was referring to is that pattern narcs have with shelf appliances to delay responding as a consequence of being on the shelf.
Such as:
MRN: -goes on about a new sushi place he went to-
Me: How was the food? Would you go back?MRN: -no response but it shows he read my message
This feels weird to the shelf appliance. A simple yes or no would do, and they couldn’t take two seconds to type it even though they were in the text window….ET starts going.
Then 5 hours or 12 or even 48 hours later (presumably when narc now is in want of shelf appliances fuel) he responds to this simple question to restart a convo.
This happened to me so many times and it lead to a lot of confusion, self doubt, and gaslighting. But I don’t think it was devaluation, it was just Shelf Life.
Supernova DE,
I see. Do you mean while chatting (whatsapp or similar)?
Unless he has a very slow internet connection and his messages do not get published *and* he has no other way to contact you, leaving the conversation and ‘disappearing’ without letting you know is rude. He could call you or send you an SMS to let you know. You do not have to tolerate that behaviour.
I started to think everything they do is ALWAYS deliberate. I don’t think it’s about shelf life, it is ALL about control. The same used to happen to me. Why? Because he knew I would go insane when he wouldn’t respond and was testing me to see if I was going to get mad, send more messages or call and demand an answery or if I would accept it as it is, be compliant and obedient as a good girl and a potential partner of his should be. Everything is a test with them and a way of maintaining control
Wow I enjoyed reading this. Thank God for technology. I understand how control is crucial to the Narcissist. Watching what you say or do being painted black or white. Challenge fuel etc. Now I understand why we keep being devalued as IPPS. HG your a life saver! I will keep doing what I am doing,hopefully I could be discarded or sorry disengaged soon it will make my life easier. Your the best !
Pati,
Hoping to just be lucky enough to be disengaged from and then it will be over is your emotional thinking. It will not be over then as he will hoover you back in and the cycle will start over and possibly worse than before. Please at the very least do an email consult with HG.
I have been trying to get out of this and it is very hard. I also hoped he would just go away. He will not. HG is the way……….
Well done Kim, to realise that point in your first sentence is the application of logic.
HG,
Now to apply it to ME! I find it is so easy to give advise and quote you to others. It is applying it to myself that is the hardest. Lets see if it works this time.
Kim
I feel.the exact same way. It sounds like we are in the same boat. I wish you luck trying to get away !!!! Dam my emotional thinking I hate it!
The Hoover will probably be awful.
I am going to schedule an audio consultation with HG soon. He is the only one who can help me. I hope everything works out with you Kim.
Hugs
Absolutely fascinating how the minds of all parties work in conjunction.