That Really Gets My Goat


You ought to know by now that control and fuel are what we narcissists need and desire.

Control over you.

Fuel from you.

These are the fundamentals and our existence is founded on these two items. Obtaining them, by any means, is the everyday interaction between us and you, our appliances. This is what gives rise to the manipulations, be they good such as showering with compliments during the seduction or be they bad, such as, subjecting you to a silent treatment when devaluation comes calling.

By reading my work here and in my books, you have become increasingly familiar with the vast range of manipulations and you will identify with some of the “stand out” forms of manipulation, such as physical violence, sexual abuse, gas lighting, silent treatments, earth-moving sex, the withdrawal of sex, circular conversations, triangulation and many more.

What you may now have realised is that many of those minor irritations that a narcissist engages in are also part of the application of control. What you chalked down to a somewhat annoying habit or an exasperating behaviour as being that and that alone, is actually incorrect.

In the context of the world of the narcissist is yet another way to exert control and gain fuel, with the minimum of effort and the maximum of plausible deniability as to what it actually is achieving.

“What are you talking about? I do not do that!”

“Good god woman, so I leave a damp towel on the bed, get over yourself!”

“Oh what a trauma, I have left the kitchen light on again. Nobody has died you control freak!”

“You can talk, you are always putting crumbs in the butter.”

What do you see there? The annoyance of an individual to having some petty irritation pointed out to them? Or do you see denial, minimising, exaggerated comparison and blame shifting?

It is important to recognise that narcissists and non-narcissists engage in the same behaviours but is the reason behind it which assists your understanding. If somebody keeps leaving a wet towel on the bed after a shower, it does not mean that this person is a narcissist. If a non-narcissist does it, they are forgetful and no doubt pre-occupied with a thought about something else and when it is pointed out to them, they will apologise and correct the problem. If a narcissist does it, it evidence the sense of entitlement, lack of accountability and the latent application of the need for control. This runs through us and applies to everything we say and do, because the need for control is always required when an appliance enters our spheres of influence in some way.

It is often the case that our kind will have a “go to irritating habit” which our narcissism applies because it is easy to do, it is easy to be dismissive about it, it is easy to claim you are over-reacting to something trivial and it easily allows the assertion of control and the gathering of fuel.

What is the habit or what are the habits which the narcissists you have been involved with which has or have really got your goat and why?

This is not about the major manipulations some of which I have listed above, but it is about giving you an opportunity to highlight and explain what are those seemingly trivial and relatively unimportant things that the narcissist did or does which really got your goat, so you now understand why, since it was a narcissist clearing his throat every five minutes as loudly as possible or licking the knife clean at dinner, it was instinctively designed to get your goat and control it.

Over to you!


134 thoughts on “That Really Gets My Goat

  1. mcthriver says:

    How long have you got? 😂

    Complaining about these petty things made zero difference, so mostly I didn’t complain and just ignored them. I learned to do that very early on and made excuses to myself (it’s a just a man thing, his mother didn’t teach him good manners, it’s just a few seconds of my time to fix this, I will sound like a nagging wife if I complain etc).

    I couldn’t see at the time the insidious control and manipulation that was taking hold. My eyes are opened wide now!

    When I occasionally let my guard down and did complain / explain why I found it irritating, I would be labelled as a criticising control freak, naturally, or be barraged with a list of all my own mortal sins, such as allowing stray hairs from my head to fall out and tarnish his environment, or be accused of havng OCD and being impossible to live with.

    Here are just a few:

    The question “Where is / are … ?”

    Always pouring himself a drink at the dinner table then leaving the jug as far away from me as possible and starting to eat so I have to interrupt his meal to ask for a drink. Every time. He does the same even with guests at the table.

    Inability to flush the toilet properly – surprises left along with an inordinate amount of toilet paper.

    Skid marks on the duvet cover. (Is he actually proud of the fact he can’t wipe his own arse?! Especially given the inordinate amount of toilet paper used?! 🤣)

    Toilet seat left up, dirty undies on the floor next to the laundry basket, socks under the sofa, chewed chewing gum on the table etc etc

    Hovering next to me and mouthing things at me when I’m on the phone. (He actually went through a phase of putting his hands in my knickers and fingering me when I was on the phone to my mum 😡).

    Leaving the back door open 100x a day (then berating anyone who so much as dared to do it once, obviously).

    Ditto with leaving lights on.

    Leaving the lids on bottles and jars unscrewed so that when you pick them up the bottle/jar falls to the floor.

    Leaving dirty plates on top of the dishwasher instead of inside it.

    Putting the washing machine on to wash a single shirt.

    Etc etc

    I really do sound like a nagging wife with OCD, don’t I?

    Mission accomplished! 😖

    1. Kathleen says:

      No- Not a nag to expect clean, considerate non-manipulative behavior. he sounds unsanitary, manipulative and dirty. Ewwww. Yuk.

  2. Kathleen says:

    Brother Narc: Driving (very) slow when knew I had a plane to catch, driving very slow so that others on traffic would get annoyed (rolling up to red lights at a real slow creep so people wondering if out of gas or broken down),
    Being late, begin asking about changing food order /pickup order after everything had been determined with several people) . Always asking people in the negative “ you don’t have x do you “ or you don’t want to go to the movies do you” or “that isn’t x ?right”. I realized asking in this negative form is fuel gaining because it puts the other person immediately on defense and “it got my goat” my stomach cringes- That’s my intuition telling me I’m being played/manipulated.

    Also with narc romantic female – PHLEGM in sink!! What is it with them. ???
    Her nephew had been staying at her house(triangulating) and she said he did it but then there was a time he wasn’t even around and it happened and I’m like WTAF?? I also was asked once if it would annoy me if I if she left the kitchen cabinets open a little bit. LOL because her ex used to get really mad about that LOL oh my god there’s probably more but These are the micro aggressions the salami slicing that drives you insane as they gather fuel and other people just think oh gosh you’re just sensitive. Thank you H G I love these

  3. Cindy says:

    Leaving surprises in the toilet. He was proud of them.

    1. MB says:

      So much disgustingness! Flicking toenails, phlegm in the sink, athletes foot powder, surprises in the toilet. Yuck 🤢

      1. WAF Tudorita says:

        Little boys 🐍 sure know how to gross out little girls 💩 🤮

        And we ARE dealing with little boys- perpetually caught in toddler (Lesser) or high school (MR) mentality .
        No idea where the Greaters are stuck. College? Lol

  4. WAF Tudorita says:

    In arguments, diverting from the original point or any hope at reconciliation by repeating what has been said in the conversation so far . (with his slant)

    Like, don’t tell me what I just said-then you said- then I said – I WAS HERE , it was in the last four minutes !
    My teen hates it too. We actually laugh about how dad does this ,now that he’s old enough to have out-matured his father emotionally.

    Buddy will just reroute the entire conversation and make it about —the conversation! (who said what ,) it’s circles in circles.

  5. Just Me says:

    Missed the stool and peed on the floor every morning. Too many more to list, but recalling them angers me. HG, I thank you for the understanding… now how do I forget?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You tackle your ET, I will assist you through a consultation.

  6. WiserNow says:

    One thing I noticed in several relationships with narcs was that even when they got control over something, they still weren’t satisfied and needed more, as if the initial fuel was quickly spent and forgotten they had to manipulate for more. I know why they did this now, but it was annoying back then.

    For instance, the narc would want me to do something for them (e.g. buy some particular groceries they liked/needed) – this was the ‘first’ step in their ‘control’.

    If I did the first thing without complaint because it was sincerely something I didn’t mind doing, they’d say something contrary to get a ‘second’ helping of control.

    For instance, after bringing home the groceries they wanted, they’d say something like, “didn’t they have it in the bigger size? It would be better in the bigger size because it would last longer.” Or, if I actually did buy the bigger size, they’d say, “why did you buy the big size? That’s going to last forever and go stale before I can finish it.” Either way, they’d end up being dissatisfied after getting what they wanted. And they’d make me feel like I failed even though I succeeded in doing what they had initially asked. A simple ‘thank you’ seemed impossible for them to say.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are in essence correct when you state

      “One thing I noticed in several relationships with narcs was that even when they got control over something, they still weren’t satisfied and needed more, as if the initial fuel was quickly spent and forgotten they had to manipulate for more. ”

      What you are witnessing is the fact that control exists in millions of compartmentalised tranches and although you believe the narcissist has got control, that is a repeated and frequent need, hence the outcome you have described in your comment.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Yes, now I see that their need for control is constant and dominates everything they do. They want to control everything around them. It becomes all-encompassing.

        1. lisk says:

          Aha, yes!

          To get out and stay out means to no longer be “encompassed!”

          1. WiserNow says:

            Yes Lisk, it feels so much better to be free to think and believe what you want to think and believe instead of focusing on what the narcissist is thinking. They want to control *everything*, including other people and their thinking and emotions.

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. WiserNow says:

            Ok HG, they ‘need’ to control *everything*.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Majority don’t know of the requirement therefore it cannot be a want, it’s a need.

          5. Pati says:

            They get a sense of relief from it if I am not mistaken.

        2. Lorelei says:

          Yes Wiser and I believe much of smear campaigns are a form of control too—he controls what people think of me! “She was a bad housekeeper.” Correct in that —I hired someone but only because he wore me down and didn’t help but he saw none of that. To others they interpret the house was dirty and he was victim living that way. The house way not dirty! It’s a twisted way of demonstrating a truth that is askew. Our realities are different due to the control..

          1. WiserNow says:

            I know what you mean. They smear you to other people and then you are denied any compassion or support that you actually need and deserve from those other people. They are like vultures – it’s never enough for them.

            This kind of twisted way of kicking you when you’re already down made me aware that those people who choose to believe the narc instead of their own eyes and their own logic aren’t worth worrying about. Trying to convince those people of your *truth* is a lost cause. You’re better off conserving your energy to focus on your own self-care and reducing your ET.

    2. lisk says:

      “Either way, they’d end up being dissatisfied after getting what they wanted.“

      Thank you for reminding me that it did not matter what I did and that “trying” was pointless.

      This is why now I will just be who I am and not try to live according the fantasy that someone made/makes me out to be. What a relief!

      1. WiserNow says:

        Yes, it’s a relief and it makes life in general much more enjoyable. Just be who you are. You are an empath, which already makes *you* more compassionate, more considerate, more courteous and kind than most. That’s not overstating things, that’s factual. It’s where we are on the spectrum. It’s logic! 🙂

    3. liza says:

      YES!!! they definitely do that, mine once showed a me a music played in guitar and said it was his favorit but he would love te hear it played on piano, i wanted to please him and thank him for sharing with me his favorit music so i got he piano sheet and played it for him, and then i saw his face decompose and turn darck, when i asked what the matter, he said that it remindes him of the woman who broke his heart.

      1. WiserNow says:

        I know exactly what you mean. It’s like they can never be satisfied or honestly give you appreciation or thanks. You can’t win with them. I used to often think of the saying, “you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.

        When I saw your comment, I thought to myself that it would be lovely to know how to play a musical instrument, and you know how to play both guitar and piano. I love listening to music and I think it would be great to know how to play an instrument.

        I think that your ex-narcissist was jealous that you had these skills and that you could play the same music both ways. He reacted to his own jealous feelings of inadequacy by causing you to feel upset and jealous of the ‘woman who broke his heart’.

        (By the way, I’m not saying that you *were* upset or jealous. Maybe you were or maybe you ignored him, I don’t know. The point is that he instinctively ‘offloaded’ his negative feelings on the ‘source’ (as he saw it) of those negative feelings.)

        By making you upset, he shifted his own negative feelings and was able to keep thinking of himself as ‘superior’ in his own mind. He couldn’t tolerate you being ‘superior’ in any way, even though you played the music for him in order to show him that you cared about him and his feelings.

        Narcissism is a complex disorder and it’s very confusing when you don’t see or don’t understand what is really happening. I’m sorry you experienced that, but I’m also glad you were able to see the truth and find the information that helped you.

        1. liza says:


          “you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. absolutely! they want you to fail, and if you don’t, they will minimize and criticize you accomplishment.

          i was not really upset it was in the begining i thaught that he was still in love with her so i took some distance, at the moment i just didn’t want to become some replacement, but then, he was chasing after me saying that she is definitly dead for him, and the stupid me was like “come on, you can’t punish him for his past life evrybody has an ex ” and a week later liza was back under his spell.

          sadly, i don’t play guitar, just piano, the guitar version was in the movie.
          You can definitly learn an instrument i you want to, start by practissing 30 min a day and the rest will come.

          thank you for your cheerful words. i send you big hugs.

          1. WiserNow says:

            You’re welcome Liza, and thank you for the big hugs 🙂

  7. ava101 says:

    I like goats.

    The exnarc saying “I’m a baby goat, too!”, to draw the attention back to him.

    Are we talking about slices or just minor ways?

    There are behaviours which are doubtful, when regarded as single instances, yet. The narc saying “I like your underwear”, when standing next to him almost naked when getting dressed, or saying “another hair do would suit the shape of your face better”. Or seeing a picture of a famous model of the empath’s nationality and saying “Ah, that is a woman of your nationality that is attractive”. Or saying, “we are just friends (when having sex all the time), so why would I have problem with being seen with you in public by other women?” Or saying, “I don’t want to have sex now (when cuddling naked), I have come twice today watching porn, because I was so horny (knowing the empath wanted to see him and have sex with him). Or saying “you were looking like predator at me”. Or keeping future faking for months about when he would have more time to spend together, “after his thesis is finished”, while at the same time, he doesn’t seem to be responsible for either the thesis getting done, nor for planning to spend time together.

    The list is endless, taken individually, those instances can make your head spin, indeed, and what is really ,really not helpful is when one talks to “friends” about what happened or was said one night, and they make excuses no end, like “oh, he is under so much pressure”, or “but he was so committed to his ex, that he stayed on in her political party he had joined for her, even after the end of their relationship.”

    Some narcs are easy to spot and even kind of harmless that way, when one knows what to look for, but there are some that are much, much more subtle, and almost impostsible to tell if one is being manipulated, when not looking at the whole picture, it makes doubt oneself easily. The ones that are constantly operating at a very, very thin line, are insidious, and also those noone among their friends ever doubts.

  8. Chihuahuamum says:

    A huge get my goat is when he says how much ive spent on him compared to what hes spent on me basically devaluing me and poking fun at the fact ive done more for him. He doesnt realise how tacky and pathetic he looks saying that instead hes focused on making himself look like the more worthy one. Hes a cheapskate 🙄🙄🙄

  9. Chihuahuamum says:

    Another get my goat is related to the i hope i dont forget plans and thats my birthday. He wont say anything until a day or two before and say i almost forgot or i hope i dont forget. Lame.

  10. Chihuahuamum says:

    Another get my goat moment…when we make plans and he says…”i hope i dont forget”…grrrrr!!! I just roll my eyes bc i know its meant to minimilize the importance of our plans and also cause insecurity insinuating he may not be there. A definite piss off! A typical person would maybe say ok ill jot that down but its the way its said i know its intent.

  11. Chihuahuamum says:

    Id say mostly covert triangulation and withdrawing but one example sticks out and i know its intentional to minimize what ive told him. He will intentionally take something i told him and either pretend he doesnt remember us talking about it or get it fully wrong what i had said. Your typical person this can happen when people are preoccupied and not fully listening but he has an incredible memory and is fully listening so i know when he does this its meant to minimize what ive told him in a past conversation. Very covert! I never feed it by getting upset i just correct or repeat what he supposesly failed to remember or get right. Narcissists are so insecure they need constant control. So afraid people will have a backbone and not be controllable. My narc isnt in control of me i am. Any imprisoning ive been in is of my own doing and in my own mind. The power over myself has always been my own power and not his!

  12. Em says:

    Being terribly suspicious of me and what I was up to. Constantly asking his friends to spy on me.
    Claiming one of his friends was the father of our second child.
    Being jealous of me having friends. Being jealous of me talking to his friends.
    Coughing up phlegm and spitting into the kitchen sink.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Phlegm in the sink. I just dry heaved.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Me too NarcAngel. That alone would be grounds for divorce.

        I’m sorry you experienced these things from your narc partner. He sounds like a gem (not!)

        1. Em says:

          Ten years divorced! Didn’t realise he was a narc until I was post another MRN and discovered HG.

          1. WiserNow says:

            It’s good that you’re divorced and it’s also great that you discovered HG. Having the knowledge is so helpful.

            I know what you mean about not realising. I didn’t know for decades that my mother and other people I knew were narcissists. It amazes me sometimes that there’s still very little said about this subject in society in general. It needs to be better understood by everyone.

      2. Em says:

        NarcAngel – sorry!
        Boy did I enjoy getting all these annoying little habits off my chest – excuse the pun.
        This was all about my LMR/ Lesser N ex husband not the UMR who brought me to this site. These were the things that irritated but I was made to feel were too insignificant to complain about and made me feel a bad person for complaining as he often told me I was a nag if I said anything. Such a relief to read this article and realise it was all part of the game and narcissism. A relief to rant about things I’d forgotten.
        It felt good another light bulb moment. Thanks HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi em…the phlegm…🤢 thats so wrong!

  13. Gypsy Heart says:

    You don’t have to post this but:

    Narcissist #4:

    * This Pamela girl really “gets my goat!” Wow!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I think we should.

  14. Em says:

    Going out every Friday night – calling it boys night out – I was never ever allowed to go. It was sacrosanct even if I arranged a baby sitter. He’d take me out on a Saturday if at all having slept till lunch time because of Friday night out.
    He never took his turn to baby sit.
    Never decorating coz I was a nag – until I moved out then got the whole house done.
    Going out to test drive and buy a sports car without me and without telling me.

  15. Gypsy Heart says:

    Narcissist #2:

    *Delete my program’s on the DVR when it was
    full, knowing I hadn’t watched them yet.

    *Chose the easy chores on the list, and left me
    with the unwanted chores.

    *Stood over me listening in when I was having a
    phone conversation with a friend.

    *Would come in and take a dump when I was in
    the shower, even though we had another

    Narcissist #3:

    *Left the toilet seat up all the time.

    *Would never know where his reading glasses
    were and would borrow mine then lose them. I
    was constantly having to buy new readers for

    *Would throw beer bottles on the bonfire when.
    asked him not to. I was afraid the kids would
    step on broken glass; and I would end up with
    a flat tire on my riding lawn mower also.

    *Would regularly make the statement “you play.
    with fire; you get burned” (referring to our
    affair). I finally came back with “or you become
    the whole damn fire!” That put an end to that
    statement (see those memes come in handy

    HG, are you planning on using any of the reader responses. Please don’t use them on shieldmaiden; we like her. You can use them on Leslie though. Im ok with that!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. HG only goes big.

  16. Em says:

    Told me I wore too much make up – or not enough make up.
    Yes the car! Complained like mad about the mess in mine yet his was 10 x worse.
    Saying annoying phrases over and over and laughing at his own jokes.
    Doing DIY (very rare and badly done) but never clearing up.
    Getting mad at me if my car broke down and I rang for his help – wouldn’t let me join a breakdown service.
    Would throw peanuts up into the air to aim for his mouth – missing and leaving them round the house.
    Smoking in the house even though I asked him not to and being angry if I mentioned it.

  17. Em says:

    Sitting in his favourite living chair Applying his athletes foot powder into his socks puffing the powder
    Everywhere to create dust. Leaving said powder tin on the fireplace mantle coz he’d need it tomorrow. Picking his toe nail and flicking them across the room. I was making such a big deal if I asked him not to.
    Never washing up.
    Never paying for drinks- he had a reputation for being tight.
    He to this day 10yrs post divorce continues to bad mouth me, smear me and rewrite history to our daughter. Talk about hold a grudge.

    1. MB says:

      Ugh! Flicking toenails is reason enough to GOSO. Narc or not. 🤮

      1. Em says:

        It was so great to off load this!! I’d forgotten.

        1. MB says:

          Em, throw it on us! We can take it. I’m glad it helped.

  18. jessrnny says:

    Constant whining about the ex wife cheating… omg… They were married 20 yrs and the cheating started in high school. I told him it seems like he liked it and to stop whining. Plus, I told him he’s a cold fuck and I’m not surprised his wife cheated. Anything to get him to stfu….

    1. Yolo says:

      You gave him some of his own medicine. I am sure your last statement injured his ego . 🥂

  19. empath007 says:

    This is an interesting one. I lived with a normal for a long time who was notorious for doing these things… when confronted there was never an apology. Always resistance.

    I do classify him as a normal because… this drive for fuel did not seem to be present in him…. in fact, he hardly socialized. Almost never actually. He found people boring and uninteresting….

    Anyways… I did research on him as well (this was a long time ago) and be more fit the category of a passive aggressive. But not necessarily a narcissist….

    Has anyone else had this experince with people who are passive aggressive in nature? And can it exist separate of narcissim?

    1. Brigitte says:

      In my experience, yes and yes…annoying to say the least. Mine was diagnosed with OCD, which he used as an excuse for everything!

    2. Blue says:

      Some things I’ve done that really upset my spouse include:
      -Demanding the house be organized my way and reprimanding him when he doesn’t follow my rules
      -Tossing his belongings without his consent
      -Telling him to “give me the short version” or to “hurry up” when he’s talking (this really gets under his skin!)
      -Withholding information

      1. WiserNow says:


        Why did you do those things?

        Also, did you do them repetitively even though you knew they upset your spouse? Do you still do them?

  20. Joanne says:

    Unnecessary, petty provocation. Subtly (“jokingly”) belittling something that I enjoy or have a positive opinion on, and continuing to provide reasons as to why it is stupid/bad/inferior/etc. This would prompt me to defend it, which would result in some petty “arguing” back and forth. When he found me to be sufficiently annoyed or frustrated, he’d become all cutesy and sweet. His goal wasn’t to change my mind, it was to get me riled up.

    1. Supernova DE says:

      Yep. The MRN said stuff like “You’re honestly so cute when you’re mad.” Or “Look at you trying to be all angry at me.”

      1. Joanne says:

        Yes, exactly that!! And “Wowwww, you get SOOOO MAD.” It seemed playful at the time and I KNEW he was doing it to get a rise out of me but it was really annoying. I can easily see how something just like this could quickly turn into arguing over “real” things and then him turning the tables, making me out to be some unreasonable hot-head for having a reaction.

        1. Supernova DE says:

          Joanne you just described every argument I ever had with him lol. In retrospect I can see how EVERYTHING in his mid range brain boiled down to him thinking “damn she is sooooo unreasonable” haha

  21. Ol says:

    My Mid-Range Narc a professional boxer and PT, would hold the boxing pads. When I went to punch, purposely not give me any resistance so I wouldn’t punch hard or fast thus getting me frustrated and annoyed! Drove me insane! He’s obviously deny, and fuel up 😤🤪

    1. Mercy says:

      Ol, next time miss the gloves and catch his face. See if that gives you any resistance.

    2. Anm says:

      With my daughter’s father, I can’t stand his high energy. He is loud, rude, and doesn’t know how to reciprocate in any which way. Poor manners. Drama King.

      At our last settlement conference, we had a retired judge who was trying to help us mediate. He argued with the judge for about 10 minutes over whether or not Halloween was demonic.
      People always fall into his trap of arguing about dumb stuff or listening to his long made up stories. Sometimes I snap and tell him I think he has dementia.

      The rules of time doesn’t exsist for him. He’s allowed to be late, he doesn’t have to give notice, and he doesn’t have to put our daughter to bed at the appropriate time. This is his logic of course.

  22. Better Call HG says:

    The Irish goodbye. Happened multiple times and annoyed me, so I confronted the narc about it. Was told it was no big deal, and I explained why I didn’t like it and asked her not to do it. Didn’t matter, the narc still did it.

    1. ava101 says:

      What’s an Irish goodbye??

      1. HG Tudor says:

        A Backdoor Boogie. Leaving by the rear of side door without actually saying good bye, usually because the person departing is drunk.

        1. WAF Tudorita says:

          I always exit social scenes without goodbyes because I find the process horrifically tedious .

          I’ve defin done it to men In my drinking days lol

        2. ava101 says:

          I see. And fits very well. Have an Irish colleague who does what he wants, he often can work from home and is gone for hours. Or just gone completely. Noone cares …..

      2. MB says:

        I had to Google that too Ava! We learn so much here.

    2. Anm says:

      I remember reading in Seventeen Magazine when I was a teenager to,
      ‘Never say goodbye at a party or let your crush know you are leaving. Doing so will keep you mysterious and make your crush look for you.’
      It never worked, and I found out in my 20s that it is actually a turn off.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No doubt the advice of one of our kind.

  23. Elisa says:

    If that any of the narcissists whoever of them lesser, mid-range or greater narci.. if they attempt hoover and I didn’t responded the first time hoover they attempted on me, will they not Hoover me anymore?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, that is incorrect. There is always a risk of a hoover, you can affect the level of risk. Organise an audio or email consultation with me and I will explain it to you.

    2. Pati says:

      My N would put his wet towel on the bed. He would take his coffee to go in China cups and leave them in the car. He would use my expensive hair products,eat my last piece of cake without asking ,clean up the house and put my things where I cant find them. I would carry heavy groceries while he is on a business call. HG the list goes on and on.

      1. Brutal Truth says:

        Sounds more like a slob (to me, a regular non obsessive person) than a narc. Marry a super clean person if it’s important to you. You can’t call everyone a narc who gets on your nerves.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’ve failed to read the article.

        2. Pati says:

          Hi Brutual Truth,
          Actually he is very clean. He does these things on purpose to of course get a reaction from me (negative fuel) He is very neat one minute and the next minute he will leave things lying around all on purpose ! When we have visitors our place is spotless you can eat off the floor. Just insane!

          1. FoolMe1Time says:

            Pati since you are new here and in the beginning stages of learning, I am going to inform you of something you do not know. Brutal truth is a narcissist that slithers on here at times from the sewer she lives in. You can of course correspond with her if you’d like to, but I would advice against it. She has been on a lot this week so I am surprised you have not seen any of her nasty comments to HG and some of the other commenters? From time to time she changes her name, but originally she started out as Pamela. Please be careful if you want to continue commenting with her. Take care dear. 🤗

          2. Pati says:

            FM1T OMG thank you so much I wasnt aware !
            I definitely wont respond !

          3. FoolMe1Time says:

            Just be careful. As you are reading comments on the blog today I’m sure you will see a few that will confirm what I’m telling you. Usually NA is right on this one, they go back a little ways. NA must be organizing her cabinets today? Brutal bitch was being facetious in her comments to you Pati. It’s best just to ignore her and give her no fuel. 🙃

          4. Pati says:

            FM1T wow ! My goodnes,Just a question who is NA sorry for the dumb question . I defintely do not want to give her fuel. Thanks again for looking out for me greatly appreciated!

          5. FoolMe1Time says:

            NA is Narc Angel, she is not a narcissist! In fact that woman is a narcissist slayer. She has been with HG and the blog for a long time, beside HG, NA has taught me so much, especially about controlling my ET, boosting my confidence, and I cannot day enough about her! I absolutely love NA! I’m sorry if you misunderstood my comment. I was surprised NA was not all ready out there taking care of business. Do not fear NA, she’s the best! 🤗

          6. Pati says:

            Thanks again FM1T your awesome!

          7. FoolMe1Time says:

            You’re welcome Pati.

          8. Pati says:

            FM1T thank you for clarifying Hugs

          9. FoolMe1Time says:

            You are welcome Pati. 🤗

          10. WAF Tudorita says:

            New show on HBO –
            – NA – Narc Slayer
            I’d watch.

          11. Lorelei says:

            I need NA to organize my cabinets!

          12. HG Tudor says:

            There are only 24 hours in a day you know

          13. Lorelei says:

            I am actually packing up my kitchen! I legitimately need her for when it all gets put away again.

          14. FoolMe1Time says:

            Haha good luck talking her into that!

          15. Lorelei says:

            Julia Roberts movie comes to mind!

          16. FoolMe1Time says:

            Umm No! Don’t think so. Lol

          17. Lorelei says:

            I swear I need a narc detector on this PhD handyman. He only had one big red flag—he’s on his way over for a laundry list of chores. Haha. He’s useful. Can we sleep with them first to not waste the $100?

          18. HG Tudor says:

            It is never a waste using my services, you know that. Get him detected!

          19. Lorelei says:

            Ugh—stuff doesn’t need fixed forever like every day.

          20. FoolMe1Time says:

            Absolutely not! Get a narc detector done on him, that’s the only way to be sure.

          21. Lorelei says:

            He’s in my bedroom fixing a drawer. I’d rather eat lunch. Think I can get him to do a chair rail while he’s at it?!

          22. Lorelei says:

            Uh skip that—enough material to suggest narcissism in the past half hour to make the test drive unpalatable. Well fueled though—you wouldn’t believe the crap he’s fixing now! It’s like amazing. Fixing ground wires or some such stuff. I’m cautiously yet mesmerizingly staying away!

          23. FoolMe1Time says:

            Just stay away! No test drive needed ever!! Lol

          24. Lorelei says:

            Lots of victim crap.. But he ate my to-do list up like Tim bits!

      2. Bluekat says:

        Hey, Pati. I’m laughing just thinking about someone trying to drink out of teacups in the car!!

        Regarding the house cleaning, idk if he’s like me in this, but I can’t stand the idea of anyone seeing my home in disarray. Do you think he could be cleaning before they come over for a similar reason? Has he ever refused to let someone over if the house isn’t presentable enough in his mind?

        1. Pati says:

          Hi Blue Kat,
          I am the same regarding the cleaning of my house.
          I do like it clean when I have guests over for sure .

  24. Claire says:

    Shoving a protein or a chocolate bar in the car ( no matter his or mine), then disposing the wrap near the gearbox or under the seat together with an empty bottle of water. Although he has told nicely in numerous occasions do not litter; never bothered to remove them from the car and put in the bin. Of course I did it every time . Otherwise he is clean but littering in the car drove me nuts every time. Of course he was smiling, why not – the servant will clean the car.
    Another form of control – making a fuss every time when I wear shorts or short skirt/dress outside in a hot summer day.
    At home it was very welcomed.

  25. Quarty12 says:

    Insisting on stirring the food and adding extra ingredients when you are the one cooking

    1. Brutal Truth says:

      Are you serious? Where are you people coming from?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Read the article.

    2. ava101 says:

      So classic, that cooking thing. And then “why do you have to destroy everything”, when pointing out that allergic to ingredient put in.
      Turning up heat, turning off heat, …

  26. liza says:

    He was jealous of evryone i interacted with,he started with boys ” i saw how he looked at you”, “i know him he is a pervert” ,” why do you always laugh to his jokes ?” so i limited my interaction with them to a minimum. then he went to girls “she is jealous of us”, ” they are monopolising you” ,” don’t you know what she is saying behinde your back? ” and at some point he became furious even when i played with the little kittens i found on the campus, we were not leaving toghether in out culture we don’t do that, so when i was on facebook and he finished talking to me he insited that i go to sleep even when i say that i’m not sleepy. i really i’m not submissive, i was irritated ans saw that he wanted controle, but i feel easily guilty and i didn’t like to see him make a sad face so i eventualy complied and i thaugh that he was a good person and he was my first so had no other reference to what is normal and what is not.

    1. liza says:

      oups! sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes, my brain refuses to acknowledge them until it is too late

    2. Susan says:

      Oh Liza. My heart breaks over what you describe. Your post is filled with so many classic, very clear examples of a narcissists controlling, fuel gathering techniques contrasted with the examples of your empathic traits. You explain the situation with such awareness now with an enlightened view. You got out. I know there are so many in the situation you were in. Thank you for sharing

      1. liza says:

        thank you for your kind words Susan, i could get out thanks to many good persons i had the chance to meet at the right moment, and i didn’t go back, thanks to this blog that unabled me to understand that the person i loved did never exist,. i hop everyone here will make it .

  27. MB says:

    One N startles me every chance he gets. Hides, jumps out, and makes a loud noise. It’s just a joke, right? He’s been told I don’t like it. Does that matter? Nope. MB just can’t take a joke can she?

    1. Cindy says:

      A big, fat YES! on that one MB. Creeping up on me, hiding, ambushing. I couldn’t take a joke either.

  28. MB says:

    Nice goat! Alpine?

    1. WhoCares says:

      I won’t be dredging up this kind of stuff from my entanglement; it will just serve to make me annoyed for no purpose.

      But on, another subject …
      MB, aren’t goats the sweetest? Nothing cuter than a baby pigmy goat traipsing along, on those teeny, tiny hooves, kicking up its in heels in happy, go-lucky fashion.

      1. MB says:

        WhoCares, goats are precious! Just don’t pet the bucks! They pee on themselves to make them smell good for the does. 🤮

        1. WhoCares says:

          Pahaha – I didn’t know that MB. Well, there’s a bit of Everpresence…

          1. MB says:

            I know goats!

          2. WhoCares says:

            And frogs.

          3. MB says:

            Yasss! MB loves some herps!

      2. lisk says:

        Same here, WhoCares. No dredging up these particular details.

        Plus, some of his behavior was so quirky, I’d probably end up outing him (and myself!) here.

        1. WhoCares says:

          lisk – ditto re: the quirkiness!

      3. liza says:

        WhoCares, baby kitty cats are the cutest thing in this univers and then commes
        hedgehogs <3 <3 <3

        1. WhoCares says:


          Thumbs up to kittens 💙…but an ambivalent nod to hedgehogs. I have ‘pet sat’ a hedgehog; cute to look at but how do you warm up to something that hisses and pokes its spikes out towards a reaching hand, OR that adorns itself with its own spittle balls?!

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Oh I don’t know……in retrospect it seems we did warm up to that once, only it wasn’t a hedgehog………

          2. WhoCares says:

            Too true NarcAngel – except that there are no false pretenses with a hedgehog. If you go ahead and get pricked because you pet a hedgehog it isn’t like it was advertising itself as a fluffy bunny.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            I know, but even after I put my cheaters on and could see, I just put mitts on and kept petting it lol. I put it down to charity, but now I’m on a crusade to save the gay blind whales HG made me aware of instead. No danger there.

          4. WhoCares says:

            Haha – well, the hedgehogs AND the gay blind whales need love too!

          5. liza says:

            indeed hedgehogs are to be loved from afare they get easily scared and they don’t handle stress well, patting them and touching them too much might even shorten their lifespan. by the way that also aplices to rabbits ( yes the univers is cruel, we can’t pat rabbits and can’t exclusively feed ourselves with choclate)

          6. WhoCares says:


            “yes the univers is cruel, we can’t pat rabbits and can’t exclusively feed ourselves with chocolate”

            This made me giggle.
            And I’m really bummed about the chocolate thing.

    2. Pati says:

      He would blast the music/tv loud when I am sleeping.

      1. Brutal Truth says:

        That could be just an asshole.

        1. Pati says:

          True or just being a Narcissist!

        2. Pati says:

          I believe he did that when I was being devalued and painted black .

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