The Dirty Empath : Relationship Breaker


The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.

There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).

Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behaves in a way which is empathic with other people.

There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the cadre of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them. The DE is the class of empath and there are various Dirty Empath streaks.

One of the dirty streaks which runs through the Dirty Empath is that of Marriage Breaker (or Intimate Relationship Breaker). This streak is based on the narcissistic trait of selfishness.

This situation arises where the DE becomes involved with somebody who is already in another relationship. The DE is single. The other person is not. There are those empaths who would never have a relationship with someone who is already committed to another. The level of refusal varies from those who might engage with someone who is dating other people but would not if they are in a steady relationship and not at all with someone who is living with another person and is/or married, through to those who refuse to countenance any romantic interaction with someone who is engaging with other people, at any level.

The Dirty Empath will not actively seek out a romantic relationship with someone who is already married. If the DE knows somebody is in a relationship, they will not pursue that person as that offends the empathic traits of the empath. The narcissistic trait of selfishness is not so strong as to override the empathic traits and cause the DE to want to pursue and engage in a relationship with someone who is already taken, committed to somebody else and so forth. Such an act is the preserve of someone who is a normal (even then it remains unlikely) and is more likely the response of someone who is narcissistic (not an empath and not empathic) or a narcissist.

Accordingly, a Dirty Empath will not target, pursue and engage with a person who is already in a romantic relationship.

That point made, what are the circumstances which give rise to the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker? There are three.

The common thread where the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker (“DEMB”) arises is where the DEMB is targeted by the other person. The person will be highly narcissistic or more usually, this person will be one of our kind.

Addressing the three circumstances :-

The Ivory Response

The DEMB is seduced by the Other Person (“OP”). They do not do the seducing. The OP does not tell the DEMB that they are in a relationship and if the OP is (and most likely will be) a narcissist, the DEMB will be the Candidate IPSS or Shelf IPSS. The DEMB may well be strung along in this fashion, oblivious to the fact that the OP is in a relationship, for some time. They may have suspicions but as ever, the OP will use plausible deniability to assuage those concerns. In the usual style of the seduction of the golden period, the DEMB will be taken in and engage romantically with the OP.

You may be thinking that since the DEMB does not know the OP is in a relationship, was not the pursuer and has been seduced, is it not somewhat harsh to describe them as a DEMB? Possibly, but the fact remains that they are romantically entangled with another person who is in a relationship and thus that comes within the umbrella of DEMB.

However, there comes a point where the DEMB finds out that the OP is already in a relationship. This may happen whilst the seduction is ongoing, it may (more likely) occur when there is devaluation or during a period of being placed on the shelf. The DEMB having learned of this will not immediately walk away from the OP. They will, in accordance with their status as a truth seeker want to gain answers from the OP. The relationship will continue. The DEMB will also make it his or her mission to tell the spouse or partner of the OP what has been happening, thus they earn the epitaph of Marriage (Relationship) Breaker or at the very least, disruptor.

The DEMB will fail to get adequate answers from the OP. The DEMB will not however just retreat, upset and distraught at having ‘been played’ and lied to. This is where the DEMB’s selfish trait flares up. Their moral indignation at their situation must be attended to. They will not withdraw and allow the OP and his or her partner to mend matters and patch things up. No, the DEMB will :-

  1. Ensure the OP’s partner knows what has happened in detail and will encourage them to walk away from the OP;
  2. Ensure other people know about the OP’s behaviour;
  3. Ensure the OP is told precisely what a low-life, cheating bastard he or she is.

Once 1,2 and 3 have been achieved, the DEMB then walks away from the carnage caused and endeavours to remain out of the hoovering clutches of the OP, the OP now desperate to find a new IPPS since in all likelihood the actions of the DEMB have caused the narcissist OP to lose his existing IPPS and be looking at a fuel crisis.

Accordingly, the DEMB is not whiter than white because (unwittingly) they engaged in a relationship with an attached OP. They cause carnage through their response to learning of the cheating behaviour of the OP towards themselves and the OP’s IPPS (and possibly other IPSSs). They are not completely blackened however as their response has sought to achieve some good, albeit for selfish reasons. The DEMB walks away from the OP (and tries to stay away) and accordingly the response arrived is off-white, hence ivory.

The Point of No Return

Similar to the above, the DEMB does not know that the OP Narcissist is attached to someone else. The DEMB is pursued, seduced and falls for the OP. At some juncture, the DEMB later learns that the OP is with somebody else. This could be during seduction, when being placed on the shelf or through devaluation.

The response is not one of ivory however.

Instead, the DEMB has reached The Point of No Return. Such is their addiction to the OP Narcissist, such is their desire to keep that person as their own and ‘beat’ the OP’s partner, the DEMB’s narcissistic trait of selfishness rises to the fore, overriding the empathic traits and causing the DEMB to fight for the OP.

He or she will do whatever they can to maximise their chances of being retained by the OP over the OP’s Partner. The combination of the seductive addiction and their own selfish narcissistic trait means that they will :-

  1. Tell the OP’s Partner about their existence;
  2. Focus on winning back/retaining the OP’s interest;
  3. Possibly even smearing the OP’s Partner themselves in order to achieve their aims.

The DEMB’s usual empathic traits are outshone by this single, strong narcissistic trait of selfishness to the extent that they appear to have taken leave of their senses. They want the OP, they see that they should be the one who ‘wins’ the triangulation and they will keep on trying to secure this outcome again and again, even when placed on the shelf or devalued. Of course the OP may well find their relationship with their IPPS in tatters but will not be unduly concerned as the Narcissist OP will feed on the twin stream of fuel and either remain with the original IPPS and dis-engage from the DEMB IPSS or choose the DEMB IPSS instead and continue with the shelf arrangement with them or make them the new IPPS.

The DEMB in these circumstances has reached the Point of No Return, they want the OP and notwithstanding the carnage caused, the roller coaster ride which awaits them, they earn the title of DEMB justifiably.

The White Knight

In this scenario, the OP tells the DEMB that he or she is with someone else. Nevertheless, the narcissist OP will adopt the tactics of

“We are effectively separated.”

“We are only together for the children and lead separate lives otherwise”

“I am being abused.”

“It is a loveless marriage”

“I have tried to make it work but he/she just isn’t interested any more and I have not left because x, y or z”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”

The DEMB adopts the role of White Knight riding to the rescue to save this poor OP from their misery, their banal existence or the clutches of the tyrant spouse. It is the familiar story of faked misery and abuse manufactured by the narcissist OP, the cultivation of the DEMB in the role of rescuer, the OP as ‘victim’ and the OP’s Partner as the ‘perpetrator’. The DEMB operates through a hybrid of empathic traits (doing the decent thing in rescuing the poor downtrodden narcissist OP, exhibiting compassion for this person etc) and also the narcissistic trait of selfishness because they want to be with this person, they want to ‘save’ them even though they are attached to someone else. Yes, they have been duped by the OP’s manipulative act and illusory behaviours, but nevertheless, the DEMB knows this person is attached and because they do not walk away, but instead engage in the relationship with the narcissist OP, they earn them mantle of DEMB.

Thereafter, this White Knight DEMB may be the Candidate IPSS and becomes crowned as IPPS, only then to suffer the devaluation and then learn the truth about the nature of the OP and what he or she did to the innocent OP’s partner. They may become the Shelf IPSS and find out the truth when they are on the shelf or possibly (though rarely) have been dis-engaged from. Once the White Knight realises they are not the rescuer, their response changes and they may respond with an Ivory Response or continue to fight for the OP, as per the Point of No Return. The fact remains, they knew this person was with someone else but they engaged with the OP and went along with the seduction despite this state of affairs. Yes, they may well have done so for noble empathic reasons but they also did so for a narcissistic selfish trait also.

Thus the Dirty Empath Marriage Breaker arises in three different ways, all of which either dent, damage or destroy an existing relationship between the narcissist (or narcissistic) OP and their existing partner.

52 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath : Relationship Breaker

  1. Why me? says:


    I know a guy I worked with who was married to a female narcissist. He wasn’t happy and said he was sacrificing his happiness for his daughter and he wanted to leave when his daughter was a little bit older b/c she was still in elementary school. He loved his daughter so much but he felt torn about giving his best to his daughter and for somebody special. But then he met somebody and felt a connection and they had a affair. It sounds to me that he is codependent in a way.

    So, HG, is it possible that a male codependent can be married to a female narcissist and have a affair and really is staying in the marriage for his daughter b/c she is so young?

    I ask because usually I see the codependent women stay and cater to the narcissist. But I started to wonder about male codependents….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would question the basis of the evidence about his unhappiness and his supposed sacrifice. He may be the narcissist and not the person he is married to. If he is the sole source of your evidence that he is the one who is unhappy, that he is making the sacrifice, that he is the one who is in a loveless marriage and he is being abused and he is having an affair, such evidence is questionable as to it veracity and tends to support (although further scrutiny is required) that he may well be the narcissist.

      1. Why me? says:

        1. So, are you saying that male codependents (even though are male) don’t cheat even if they are married to a narcissist and are being abused?

        2. I assume that this is because codependents have low narcissistic traits then, correct?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, I am not saying that.

        2. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Why me, from the very brief information you have provided he sounds like he could well be a narc himself rather then codependent. It sounds like an all to familiar story. Possibly his wife is even really lovely, although she may be a narc also. Of course he might not be a narc. But if I was a gambler I’d place a firm bet he’s a narc.

        3. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Why me?

          I think any person, Empath or otherwise can do pretty much anything if the circumstances are right. Co dependents have low narcissistic traits but under certain circumstances, if there was an erosion of their empathy due to prolonged abuse or being under threat for example, they would behave differently than their norm. In your example, I think HG questioned if the guy was a narcissist, not because a male codependent in a loveless marriage with an abusive partner would never have an affair, but because there are a number of red flags fluttering as regards this guy’s story.

          I am in a loveless marriage ( Pity me)
          My wife is abusive ( but I’m not, so, pity me)
          I am sacrificing my own happiness for that of my daughter. If he actually used the word ‘sacrifice’ to explain that, then for me, alarm bells would ring even louder. ( I am also a martyr but am going to glorify myself a bit by telling you)
          I felt a connection so commenced an affair. (I would never do this if not for the fact you / she was so special. I might blame you / her for this later as well.)

          The guy might be a codependent don’t know, but he does sound very narcissistic in your example.

      2. Why me? says:

        Okay, thank you, HG.

  2. Cloudy says:


    Nobody is saving me once im in the water, except my lifejacket.


  3. Cloudy says:


    Seeking honesty is what kind of trait?

  4. Jen says:

    Oof – this hit close to home for me today.

  5. Dhalia says:

    Maybe my comment was too harsh, i apologize for that.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      Dahlia on here there is no need to apologize. The longer you are here with us you will discover that we all have one thing in common, we were all ensnared by one, or for some of us, many narcissists in are lifetime. You are hurt, angry, confused, and feel as if your world just came tumbling down on top of you. We all have felt that way, some still do. As you have just read from the others on here, this is not a place to judge others, it is a sanctuary where we are surrounded by people who have gone through similar situations and understand. You are now in a place where you can receive the help and knowledge that you need to get through this. We will be here to help you and answer your questions, You need to read, listen, and consult with HG. There is no one else that will give you the correct information and guidance to get you to a place of understanding, healing, and peace. Good luck to you! Take care.

    2. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

      Thank you Dhalia. FMT is right, no need to apologise. Wishing you all the best with your healing.

  6. Lorelei says:

    I actually did break up a relationship (they were engaged) once. I feel bad that she was hurt by ME and him. He was a narcissist though—maybe I saved her as she ditched him. I could give not one F**% for cheating on my then husband. Ever. I hated him. I’m more narcissistic about sex than some narcissists possibly. They rationalize being good people but.. Would I sleep with a married person now? Only the couple. It can’t be a secret thing—but rarely are healthy people having such interactions.

  7. BL says:

    Under the white knight where both narc and DE are in other committed relationships and neither have plans to leave those partners, what’s the true goal of the narc? To try to destroy the relationship of the DE (but then this could ruin their relationship as well if the DE has nothing to lose by going to the narc’s partner), to see how far they can push the DE and then walk away so they feel stupid? It truly is SO addicting and I know I need to walk away from the constant hoover and devalue, I just keep struggling with the why and what was the point.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fuel and control, the fulfilment of the Prime Aims.

  8. The Harlot says:

    I got entangled with a married narcissist. We dated a long time ago when we were very young. He sought me out on FB and it all lit up after 5 months of being friends. I never meant for it to happen. I think he had an agenda when it came in to my house. He started telling me the typical things unhappy married people say; it’s a loveless marriage, you name it. I fell for it, knew him from years ago, felt safe and got involved. Pretty quickly I was being thought of as loose by him. Because I was with a married man, (him) he felt I was loose. Started devaluing me and wanting to be with me all in one. Calling me a whore. It was awful. He wanted out of his marriage. Told his wife, etc. Told his wife he wanted me. She confronted me. Do I feel bad about it? Yes and no. I would never normally get involved with anyone married, or in a relationship, that has never been my thing. I did it because I knew him as a kid, my mom had just died and he made me feel safe. He was familiar. Now, not so much. I ended it because he triangulated his wife and myself and he was the most jealous man I have ever meant. He is separated and living with his wife but always thinking I am with other men, to the point of contacting someone he thinks I might be with. It was awful. And now, they have both come together to try and destroy me, which kills me because he told me he was separated and she allowed him to stay with me every weekend, which led me to believe she knew. What married woman allows a man to drive two hours to stay with a woman every weekend and on holidays? Well, it happened. And, now I am single, feeling broken, etc. They are supposedly getting a divorce. Why don’t I feel awful about it? Because she is a narcissist, too. She has done a smear campaign in epic proportions trying to destroy me and so many other things. The way they both have handled it is insane. Both victims, I am the sole person to blame. She refuses to look at how or why this happened. She put him on the back burner and admitted it. Anyway, the whole thing sucks. I feel ashamed but more for myself than anything else. I am better than this crap. The both of them took me to court. Made false allegations to try and put a PFA on me. They lost.

  9. PolyBait says:

    In my case, a polyamorous relationship. The perfect disguise for a narc. A relationship that requires “honesty” from all parties. lol
    HG this would be a good topic for you to write about.

  10. Fuel Shortage (Gabbs) says:

    The Policy of Truth:

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You can file me under pillock as well. We can be pillocks together. My marriage was already over when Piano Boy targeted me, I was the process of divorcing.

    When you say this…

    “Narc “rescued” me, as it were, and always made out that what his wife didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. After all, he claimed he loved her, and in his opinion he was nothing short of wonderful to her, so his affairs would not cause her any problems as long as they were secret.”

    THIS. WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. The rescuing. The “what my wife does not know won’t hurt”. etc. He saw nothing wrong with his behavior and relationship with me. He too, told me he loved her despite his infidelity and that his infidelity did not “negate” his love for her. Pretty much everything you just said.

    So again…NOT ALONE.

    Now I am friend zoned as he “does the right thing” for all of us and focuses on her and his kids. Yet he is still “there for me”. I am sure there are others; but I have no proof.

    1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

      Gabbs I bet there will be others. Mine had others.

      *Fist bump to fellow pillock* !

  11. Pati says:

    It also takes 2 to tango. It just happens

  12. Gypsy Heart says:

    Yes, I have the black streak also. It is something I am not proud of and feel shame in myself every time I think about it.

    This article was so on point. He was relentless in his pursuit of me. Once he had me hooked, I made so many excuses for myself to try and justify it. I thought because his wife also cheated on him it was OK. I just need to remember two wrongs don’t make it right.

    1. Gypsy Heart says:


      I just read Dahlia’s judgement day. Don’t let it get to you. Just ignore it. We all have something in our lives we wish we hadn’t done. It can’t be undone. Sometimes the shame we feel ourselves is bad enough without someone coming on here and trying to shame us. It’s OK to have differing opinions but this should not be a place of judgment. It is not constructive and serves no point except someone’s ego.

  13. MB says:

    TPOT, you’re not a pillock, you were ensnared and your ET was clouding your logic. Of course we have our part, but don’t beat yourself up. It’s an addiction. “This is your brain on drugs.”

    1. Dhalia says:

      Oh sure, the ‚addiction-excuse‘. If it‘s that easy then the narc is excused as well since he is ‚addicted‘ to fuel.

      1. MB says:

        Dahlia, I acknowledged our part in the dynamic. It is an addiction. It is not an excuse.

      2. Kim e says:

        “If it‘s that easy then the narc is excused as well since he is ‚addicted‘ to fuel.”

        Narc’s are narc’s and empaths are empaths. We are created/made different but have to live the way we do because of the way we are created. Some say a Narc evolves due to childhood trauma. Others say it is a chemical imbalance. Whatever the reason, they are what they are and yes, in my view, they are excused since they are addicted to fuel. I understand that they manipulate, hurt and at times completely destroy people BUT they have no choice. This is the way they were created/made. I never ever blamed my N for what he did to me as I understand he doesnt know he is doing it. I have escaped for the time being but my addition to him is still very high. I am the lucky one as after time passes, I can over come my addition. He can not. This is his life forever. Love him or hate him, yes, I have excused my narc.

        1. Dhalia says:

          To me the narc might be excused because its a personality disorder. Thats not the case for an empath. Can‘t see any excuse or valid reason for someone like this. So ‚strained‘ to me is an understatement,

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        No one is saying it’s an excuse Dhalia. We’re not asking to be excused. It’s a reason and a very valid one.

        Can I presume by your statement that you’ve lived a saintly life?

        1. Dhalia says:

          No, i am no saint but i never participated in breaking up a marriage that possibly involves children. No, to me there is no valid reason for such an act.

          1. Kim e says:


            That is the great thing about this blog. We are all entitled to our opinions and do not judge when they are expressed. You must just have different morals than others and that is fine. Just do not judge based on what you would do.

          2. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Enough said.

          3. Pati says:

            I used to feel the same way too. I wouldn’t want to break up someones marriage either especially when it involves children, But if I were to find a different person that has kids and is not a N I would choose it anyday over being with my N which I have kids with. It sounds selfish but everyone deserves happiness..

          4. NarcAngel says:

            At first I gave you benefit of the doubt that your statement was opening up discussion on whether or not the narcissist should be afforded some understanding of being under addiction in the same way empaths experience it, but your subsequent comments have proven that not to be the case. I would say there’s no valid reason to be shitty and judgemental to others who happened to get caught up in something that just has not (to this point) happened to you, but here you are. You can talk all day about what you hypothetically would or would not do, but you are just really guessing until it does. Are you here because you have been entangled with a narcissist? because I’ll bet you would have used the same sanctimonious tone to tell others that that would never happen to you before it did.

            I would have welcomed my mother cheating in hopes of finding someone who would not abuse us, or at the very least abuse us less than the filthy cretin she was married to. So spare me the save the children line.

        2. Joanne says:

          Exactly. None of us are on trial here. We are not looking to be let off the hook (as repeatedly stated by DEs in comments all across this blog). I just don’t understand where people find value in placing judgement on others. Congrats for living by such a high moral standard that you can say with such conviction that you would never do such a thing. Some of us are human and mess up and take OWNERSHIP of it and try to move on, doing better.

          1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

            Dahlia, there is zero excuse for what I did. I will always carry the guilt of it. Being unable to time travel though, I cannot change it.

            However, Jesus said whoever is free from sin should cast the first stone.

            We all sin differently. If your soul is free from sin, feel free to have a pop at me. If not, maybe first remove the plank from your own eye before pointing out the splinter in your brother’s eye, as it were.

          2. Dhalia says:

            Yes, I am jugdemental in this case. I was the wife with children. I broke up as soon as I found out (what came afterwards was not funny at all). He won`t leave us alone, controls and until this day acts in many ways as if we were still together. He even wanted to install cameras in my house to check if i have someone new. I read all the Messages the so called “empath” sent to my narc ex. It was just distugsting. So much “me me me”. She was jealous even of my children and didn`t want him to spend any time with them. But then again maybe she was a narc herself. Regardless to me there is no excuse for such a behaviour.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            From the information provided, you are likely to have been ensnared by a narcissist (use the Narc Detector Consultation – it will help you) and therefore

            1. You are the victim of the narcissist who is/was your husband,
            2. The other woman may also be a victim (like you) of the narcissist or may also be a narcissist (they do collide).

          4. Joanne says:

            Thank you for providing the context. I am really sorry for what you’ve been through and can see you’re hurt, angry, tortured and more. There may be no valid excuse for infidelity (once again, none of us are looking for one), and while I can appreciate the position from which you’ve made that comment, it is not helpful or valuable to shame the DEs here. We are regretful for what happened, for our involvement in it and trying to understand exactly how and why we made decisions that went against our own moral code. We didn’t set out to be unfaithful to our spouses or to become involved with a married person. We made mistakes and now we are looking to right them.

            I’m writing this mainly because at some point a new reader may stumble upon these articles like I did one year ago, and I would hope they feel less alone in their situation rather than judgement for what they already know was wrong.

          5. alexissmith2016 says:

            Dhalia, it sounds awful what you’ve been through, it truly does and I’m sure you were loyal and loving to your husband also. It is quite possible that the OW was also an N. It is also possible she was an E. He could have brainwashed her and invoked strong feelings of jealousy in her which she may not have otherwise felt. HG will be able to help you with that.

            I haven’t ever broken up a relationship but I can certainly empathise with those who have and how this has come about. Due to the brainwashing and susceptibility to the addiction they create resulting in our desperation to be with the Narc (pre knowledge) it can heavily dim any empathic traits we have.

            That does not remove the pain and anguish you have experienced merely an attempt to explain that it is harder than many can imagine how we all come to find ourselves in the situations we do and largely through no fault of our own

          6. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

            Dhalia, I’m sorry that you went through that.

            For clarification, my narc did have kids yes but not from his current wife.

            They were from his first wife, who he had already discarded and put through a very heavy bout of smear campaign.

            I understand why you are bitter about this topic and lashing out, but aiming it at people who already admit their guilt and feel bad about it is preaching to the converted.

  14. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

    Hmm I’m not any of these things. I knew full well he was married, and he always said his marriage was perfectly fine.

    However my marriage, on the other hand, was not fine, and hadn’t been fine for several years.

    Narc “rescued” me, as it were, and always made out that what his wife didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. After all, he claimed he loved her, and in his opinion he was nothing short of wonderful to her, so his affairs would not cause her any problems as long as they were secret.

    I resisted for over 5 months, despite all his tempting words and flattery, but then one day he kissed me quite unexpectedly, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t stop it. After that one thing led to another.

    I wanted him so much that I convinced myself he was right, nobody was getting hurt so it didn’t matter. That was complete selfishness, I do realise that, but I was trying to justify it to myself so I wouldn’t feel guilty.

    So I’m just a pillock.

    1. Joanne says:

      Your last paragraph is what I told myself over and over. I’m not looking for excuses here (for you or for myself) but as MB states, it is an addiction. For more than a year this narc was pressing my boundaries with his flirtation, knowing I was married and when he made his real move, the love bombing and pursuit were relentless. I resisted for a while, but the contact (messaging) alone was getting me addicted – before even meeting up with him in person. Once we met up, I was a goner.

      I realize this “black streak” has been there forever, and as much as I’d like to view myself as a good person, loyal, etc, this is a real trait in me. I just hide it well, from myself and others. Now that I have a real awareness of it, I believe it will help prevent me from getting into trouble ever again.

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        TP and Joanne, we’re only human. I’ve beaten myself up about this again and again and again. we became addicted in the same way others have. It’s no different. Who would have thought a bit of harmless flirting could have lead to what it did. I’m not proud of myself but we have to push on. I agree the streak was always there, dormant then awakened. At least we have awareness and recognise we’re not alone.

        1. Joanne says:

          Thank you, and yes it is so comforting to know I am not alone. A year ago I left a comment on the Married Target, fully expecting to be lit up (and believing I deserved that) and was shocked by how many replied with words of support as having been in a very similar situation. Now we push on!

          1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

            Thank you, both of you. It’s nice to speak to other people who have been in the same situation.

            It’s hard to shake the guilt, but also there’s the fact that if I’m honest with myself there’s always a part of me that will love him. I have tried to shake that off for 2 years but it’s impossible. Narc really was like a drug.

            But I’m wiser now, thanks to my own reflections on my life over the passing of time, plus this blog!

            Joanne I know what you mean about expecting to be lit up.

            alexis – exactly! It started out as harmless flirting! Until it wasn’t so harmless any more.

            I really appreciate the support, ladies 🙂

        2. Lorelei says:

          Alexis—I really thought HG was a bit dramatic by stating it to be an addiction until I let it saturate more and more. It’s interesting how I’m able to dampen some of my own behavior with awareness. It’s an entire process. I don’t always behave but I’m aware now of the exchanges more and more. By behave I mean flirt if I want something. I’m actively not dating. Flirting to get men to do things seems fairly useful.

          1. alexissmith2016 says:

            I wouldn’t even give flirting a second thought Lorelei. I was always pretty flirty anyway which is what got me into trouble in the first place but I’m now much worse than I ever was hahha. With all this knowledge from HG I make sure all the Ns of the world do everything I want them to with nothing whatsoever in return lol I maintain a very safe distance once I have what I want.

            I know HG said an E can’t turn into an N lol but I do sometimes wonder whether I have.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Then that is your emotional thinking at work.

          3. alexissmith2016 says:

            Agh It’s okay, I am learning. This is on a very low level. people I see now and then for short periods who don’t have and will never have my contact details or know where I live.

          4. Lorelei says:

            Great Alexis! Yes! Men are so predictable anyway. You get in their space and seem helpless and the dumbest eat it up until they don’t!

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